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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (May 18, 2016)
6 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2016 Impress your kids by freaking out on a carnival ride and whacking it until his arm Ned gets tired, at which point, Hickson being a trained professional, I have a basic rule of thumb when it comes to car- nival rides: If the person run- ning a ride, such as the Squirrel Cages, keeps a gar- den hose available for spray- ing out the seats, I stay away. That’s because this per- son’s sole ambition is to make me — and others like me — vomit. I realize this person may be a trained professional who, on a daily basis, makes countless split-second deci- sions on whether to push the red or green button to stop the ride. And, yes, I realize this individual has nothing but the safety of his passengers in mind when he secures a safe- ty latch by removing his boot he bolsters the confidence of his nervous riders by hacking up a cheekful of phlegm and shrugging his shoulders before walking off. Yet somehow, in spite of these assurances, I’m still ter- rified of carnival rides. I think it’s because, when I was 10, my “friends” talked me into riding “The Drop Out,” which wasn’t actually a ride as much as it was a barf-a-tori- um with an observation deck. Basically, 30 people entered a circular room and found a spot along the wall. Gradually, the walls would begin to rotate faster and faster, creating enough cen- trifugal force to suck the cot- ton candy from the mouth of anyone standing within 100 feet. Once the ride reached opti- mum centrifuge, occupants would be stuck to the wall as the floor dropped out, leaving them suspended 20 feet above a pit of (presumably fake) spikes. All of this was visible through a series of windows surrounding the ride so that, while waiting in line, people such as myself could prepare for the experience by, very slowly, having a bowel move- ment. I still don’t know how I got talked into this ride. All I know is I ended up next to someone whose stomach con- tents went on display the instant the floor dropped out. Due to the force of gravity, I couldn’t move my head without blacking out, which meant watching the sum total of this person’s food con- sumption (which was consid- erable) reconfigure itself on the wall next to me. This was, without question, the longest ride of my life. To this day, I can still see the apologetic look on that per- son’s face as the ride came to an end and the three of us — him, his vomit and I — grad- ually slid down the wall together. Since that fateful encounter I’ve had no interest in being strapped down, cinched up or buckled into something specifically designed to do things I wouldn’t normally do without a flight suit and full medical coverage. My daughter gets frustrated by this because she’s one of those people who is exhilarat- ed by having her stomach in her mouth. The one time she talked me into riding with her was on the Squirrel Cages. Everything was fine until that part in the ride where — and you know the part I mean — it starts to actually move. Admittedly, I’m not a pro- fessional carnival ride opera- tor. But I think I could recog- nize the subtle signs exhibited of a rider who is in distress. For example: Someone who is pressed so hard against the cage that his lips are actually outside the door while screaming “LET-ME- OFF-LET-ME-OFF-LET-ME- OFF!” would be a red flag to me. Particularly if the rider in question began doing this after traveling less than two feet. Yet some how these signs were somehow missed by our ride operator. I’m not saying he purposely ignored my pleas. Who knows? He may have been busy looking for a gar- den hose? What I do know is that as a father trying to maintain a firm grip on three teenagers, it’s hard enough without hav- ing the term “squirrel cages” thrown up in my face. Figuretively speaking, of course. I realize at some point I will need to regain my parental dignity and face that ride again, without the screaming, to relcaim my “Dad-ness” in the eyes of my teenagers. Then again, I could always even the score and utter those two words guarenteed to induce their own horrified screaming: “No Wi-Fi.” Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. The 109th Rhododendron Festival is a fun-filled weekend for local Florence residents and travelers alike. People come from all over the Northwest to enjoy the festivities and see some of the most spectacular displays of rhododendrons that thrives along the Oregon coast. “Three Rivers is proud to be a part of the 109th Rhododendron Festival,” said Three Rivers COO Mike Rose. “We always look forward to this exciting weekend here in Florence, and helping great charities while having fun makes it even more worth- while.” In addition to the family-ori- ented parade, carnival, street vendor fair and 5K run, the fourth annual “Let It Ride” motorcycle show is another highlight of the weekend. This event is hosted by Three Rivers Casino Resort on Saturday, May 21, and showcases the lat- est in custom motorcycles. An award ceremony will featuring 50/50 raffles and awards for best stock, best cus- tom, best-in-show, and best street custom motorcycles. Competitors can register for this contest on Friday, May 20, from 7 to 9 p.m., or Saturday, May 21, from 8 a.m. to 12 p.m., in the casino’s event center. Proceeds from the motorcy- cle show will benefit St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. Donations give St. Jude the ability to help children suffer- ing from cancer or other cata- strophic illnesses across the globe, regardless of their abili- ty to pay for treatment. Three Rivers Casino Resort will be the start and finishing line for the Rebel Rally poker run. The event includes a bike trip and poker competition. The bike trip is a fun-filled tour around Florence. Riders will make stops at the area’s top destinations, includ- ing Beachcomber Tavern, Jerry’s Place and Pop’s Smokehouse. The rider with the high hand in poker will receive $1,000 in cash and the low hand receives $500. Proceeds from the poker run will benefit U.S. military veter- ans and their families. 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