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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2016
Impress your kids by freaking out on a carnival ride
and whacking it until his arm
Ned
gets tired, at which point,
Hickson being a trained professional,
I have a basic rule of
thumb when it comes to car-
nival rides: If the person run-
ning a ride, such as the
Squirrel Cages, keeps a gar-
den hose available for spray-
ing out the seats, I stay away.
That’s because this per-
son’s sole ambition is to make
me — and others like me —
vomit. I realize this person
may be a trained professional
who, on a daily basis, makes
countless split-second deci-
sions on whether to push the
red or green button to stop the
ride.
And, yes, I realize this
individual has nothing but the
safety of his passengers in
mind when he secures a safe-
ty latch by removing his boot
he bolsters the confidence of
his nervous riders by hacking
up a cheekful of phlegm and
shrugging his shoulders
before walking off.
Yet somehow, in spite of
these assurances, I’m still ter-
rified of carnival rides. I think
it’s because, when I was 10,
my “friends” talked me into
riding “The Drop Out,” which
wasn’t actually a ride as
much as it was a barf-a-tori-
um with an observation deck.
Basically, 30 people
entered a circular room and
found a spot along the wall.
Gradually, the walls would
begin to rotate faster and
faster, creating enough cen-
trifugal force to suck the cot-
ton candy from the mouth of
anyone standing within 100
feet.
Once the ride reached opti-
mum centrifuge, occupants
would be stuck to the wall as
the floor dropped out, leaving
them suspended 20 feet above
a pit of (presumably fake)
spikes.
All of this was visible
through a series of windows
surrounding the ride so that,
while waiting in line, people
such as myself could prepare
for the experience by, very
slowly, having a bowel move-
ment.
I still don’t know how I got
talked into this ride. All I
know is I ended up next to
someone whose stomach con-
tents went on display the
instant the floor dropped out.
Due to the force of gravity,
I couldn’t move my head
without blacking out, which
meant watching the sum total
of this person’s food con-
sumption (which was consid-
erable) reconfigure itself on
the wall next to me.
This was, without question,
the longest ride of my life. To
this day, I can still see the
apologetic look on that per-
son’s face as the ride came to
an end and the three of us —
him, his vomit and I — grad-
ually slid down the wall
together.
Since that fateful encounter
I’ve had no interest in being
strapped down, cinched up or
buckled into something
specifically designed to do
things I wouldn’t normally do
without a flight suit and full
medical coverage.
My daughter gets frustrated
by this because she’s one of
those people who is exhilarat-
ed by having her stomach in
her mouth. The one time she
talked me into riding with her
was on the Squirrel Cages.
Everything was fine until
that part in the ride where —
and you know the part I mean
— it starts to actually move.
Admittedly, I’m not a pro-
fessional carnival ride opera-
tor. But I think I could recog-
nize the subtle signs exhibited
of a rider who is in distress.
For example: Someone
who is pressed so hard
against the cage that his lips
are actually outside the door
while screaming “LET-ME-
OFF-LET-ME-OFF-LET-ME-
OFF!” would be a red flag to
me.
Particularly if the rider in
question began doing this
after traveling less than two
feet.
Yet some how these signs
were somehow missed by our
ride operator. I’m not saying
he purposely ignored my
pleas.
Who knows? He may have
been busy looking for a gar-
den hose?
What I do know is that as a
father trying to maintain a
firm grip on three teenagers,
it’s hard enough without hav-
ing the term “squirrel cages”
thrown up in my face.
Figuretively speaking, of
course.
I realize at some point I
will need to regain my
parental dignity and face that
ride again, without the
screaming, to relcaim my
“Dad-ness” in the eyes of my
teenagers.
Then again, I could always
even the score and utter those
two words guarenteed to
induce their own horrified
screaming:
“No Wi-Fi.”
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble.
The 109th Rhododendron
Festival is a fun-filled weekend
for local Florence residents and
travelers alike. People come
from all over the Northwest to
enjoy the festivities and see
some of the most spectacular
displays of rhododendrons that
thrives along the Oregon coast.
“Three Rivers is proud to be
a
part
of
the
109th
Rhododendron Festival,” said
Three Rivers COO Mike Rose.
“We always look forward to
this exciting weekend here in
Florence, and helping great
charities while having fun
makes it even more worth-
while.”
In addition to the family-ori-
ented parade, carnival, street
vendor fair and 5K run, the
fourth annual “Let It Ride”
motorcycle show is another
highlight of the weekend. This
event is hosted by Three Rivers
Casino Resort on Saturday,
May 21, and showcases the lat-
est in custom motorcycles.
An award ceremony will
featuring 50/50 raffles and
awards for best stock, best cus-
tom, best-in-show, and best
street custom motorcycles.
Competitors can register for
this contest on Friday, May 20,
from 7 to 9 p.m., or Saturday,
May 21, from 8 a.m. to 12 p.m.,
in the casino’s event center.
Proceeds from the motorcy-
cle show will benefit St. Jude
Children’s Research Hospital.
Donations give St. Jude the
ability to help children suffer-
ing from cancer or other cata-
strophic illnesses across the
globe, regardless of their abili-
ty to pay for treatment.
Three Rivers Casino Resort
will be the start and finishing
line for the Rebel Rally poker
run. The event includes a bike
trip and poker competition. The
bike trip is a fun-filled tour
around Florence.
Riders will make stops at the
area’s top destinations, includ-
ing Beachcomber Tavern,
Jerry’s Place and Pop’s
Smokehouse. The rider with
the high hand in poker will
receive $1,000 in cash and the
low hand receives $500.
Proceeds from the poker run
will benefit U.S. military veter-
ans and their families.
Three Rivers will also fea-
ture live entertainment from
“The Sounds of The Supremes
and The Drifters” on Friday,
May 20, and Saturday, May 21.
For a full list of weekend
entertainment, visit www.
ThreeRiversCasino.com.
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