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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2012)
12 i street roots VI -4 April 1, 2012 Street Roots gets it wrong, again BY WRONG AGAIN R O O T IE T O O T IE FRESH A N D F R U IT Y N E W S S E R V IC E treet Roots sent out a press release and aplogized for all of the unfair reporting is has published in the last three April Fool’s editions of the newspaper. It also noted that the reporting in the other 25 editions of the paper each year may not be the best either. “Sadly, they apologize and then just go out and did it again,” says one reader who was disturbed by all the blatant lies and assumptions in the publication. One political insider says it’s important to note that most of the time Street Roots isn’t fair and balanced anyway, like most of the other media outlets in town. “It’s all just noise.” A spokesperson from S Constituents have come out o f the cracks in the sidewalks on a range o f issues from transportation to the schools to parks to housing to the environments to say the sky is falling due to a decline in revenue at the City o f Portland. Mayor Sam A dam s is thought to be hiding in a bunker somewhere south o f Portland while developing this years budget. Multnomah County said they were just glad someone actually came and talked to them about anything they were doing. “Sure, they botched the story, but hey, it was a story,” said the spokesperson. Street Roots said next year they plan on roasting Beaveton instead of Portland, and will take aim at the suburban way of doing things. “They have screwed up a lot of things over the years with there constant utopian vision about how downtown should be,” said one city hall staffer. “We don’t forgive them for it, we just ignore them most of the time and hope they’ll go away.” “Frankly, I’m tired of it,” said one business representive downtown. “Street Roots is so old news, like two weeks old.” Trail Blazer players hire own staff, hope to avoid injuries BY BLAZEDS EDGE HEAD R IP P E D C IT Y N E W S eaugue sources say, LaMarcus Aldridge and several other Trail Blazers are in the process of hiring their his own private physicians, conditioners and a coach.after more than half of the team goes down with injuries . during the past two seasons. Aldridge told the source that he loves playing for the Trail Blazers, but couldn’t trust the medical staff further than he can throw them. “Look at BRoy and our man Oden, look at Rudy now, and what was coach thinking playing Marcus 44 minutes a game — the guy is like 50-years old.” Aldridge admits that it sucks being an All- Star on a team where half the team are underachievers. “The truth is the Blazers have been trying L to keep the organization so squeaky clean that there’s really no one left in the game that has the moral compass to survive Portland’s expectations. Some say it’s the rain, some say it’s because we’re a small market team, or because John Canzano is a giant d-bag, I don’t know.” The sources also say that it’s becoming more clear as to why Sheed and Mighty Mouse smoked so much weed while playing in Portland.” Aldridge says that he is still committed to the team, and will continue to give 100 percent, but unless there’s a point-guard available in the near future that the team will be making vacation plans with the Golden State Warriors soon. Fans around Portland are thought to be jumping off of every bandwagon available at the beginning of the season, saying that greenhotline @ other bandwagons are proving to be more realistic. Newspapers and interns who offer live blogging of Trail Blazers games are disappointed. Not only is their live blogging platform outdated, but now they have to blog about losing to a non-existent audience. Alrdidge says that if one of the richest men in the world can’t find a point-guard in the off season, that he’ll offer up some players from his hometown of Dallas — where he says there’s a handfull of guards playing on the streets that are better than what the Blazers have now. In the meantime, Trail Blazers scouting reports say they won’t be drafting anyone in the future with knees — saying that they believe if the team kind find players without knees the chances of injury will go down significantly. Thank you for your support of your local neighborhood vendor! We appreciate your love! Find out more about Street Roots at www.streetroots.org Portland co ffee b e a n * H eariu, Voices in t e r n a t io n a l embrace teiuaut diversity w w w .p o rtla n d h e a rin g v o ic e s .n e t We tip our mugs to Coffee Bean International fo r donating coffee to Street Roots and keeping our vendors warm in the m orning! Thank you!
