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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2012)
street roots 11 April 1, 2012 Earthquake in Portland will be hell on earth BY HOPEFUL FICTION WRITER w END OF W O R LD NEW S en an earthquake happens at 9:03 a.m. on a Tuesday morning in Portland, it’s going to be really bad. The bridges, gone. Roads, screwed. Water, not a chance. Hospitals, overwhelmed. Hospitals on the hill, forget about it. Cell phone service, none. Old Town, see ya! Northwest Portland, bye. SW Portland, maybe you’ll be OK. Maybe not though. Local fiction writer’s are throught to be really excited about all of the possibilities of an earthquake in Portland, while health officials say it will be “hell on earth.” Local scientists publicity say they hope the day will never come, but secretly hope that it happens sometime in their lifetime. Most Portlanders don’t have a clue what they’ll do, and expect that at least Walgreen’s will be open in case of a disaster. “My emegency plan consists of a couple of Snicker bars and some Crystal Light,” said one readers interviewed for this story. Poor people are expected to loot the hell out of the city in the case of an earthquake, most likely hitting the local Rent-A-Centers and R.E.I. “Oh hell yeah, I’m going to hit the Rent- A-Center,” says one Street Roots vendor. “When they turn the power back on I’m going to have one big-ass TV.” Officials in Portland insist they are ready for an earthquake, pointing to how well they have deallt with protests over the years. “If people get out of control, we may not have enough bottled water, but we have pepper spray. One seismology professor at Oregon State says that if an earthquake happens in Portland, “It’s going to one earth-rattling event. Let’s hope that never happens (wink, wink).” In n e r C ity B lu e s F e s tiv a l R E U N IO N Saturday, April 14 MELODY BALLROOM, 615 SE Alder, doors 6:30pm, show 7pm HEALING THE HEALTH CARE BLUES 99 We need universal, affordable healthcare for all “EVERYBODY IN, NOBODY OUT” — Norman Sylvester, Lloyd Jones Struggle, LaRhonda Steele, Jim Mesi, Sonny Hess, Bill Rhoades, Lenanne M iller-Sylvester (trib u te to L ad y D ay), Janice Scroggins, Lloyd Allen, Sarah Billings, Shoehorn (sax & tap), Chatta Addy (African drums) featuring Food for sale, plus full-service bar, 21 & over $15 (CBA members $1 off) — Benefit for the Oregon Single Payer Campaign Co-sponsor—Cascade Blues Association Suburban kids from U.S. flood Portland, a rt follows The Portland art scene has long been known for attracting some of the best artists-from the Pacific Northwest and from urban environments all over the world. That has all changed since “Portlandia” and “Grimm” have made Portland a new hot-spot for suburban kids hoping to find something other than their drab, cookie- cutter home life. “I want to see something weird. I want to be a part of something weird,” says one 22-year old who moved to Portland from - Overland Park, Kan. “I’ve always dreamed of dating a girl with tattoos. I want to live on the edge. Maybe get my nipples pierced and hit the donut shop.” Another recent transplant from Mt. Veron, IL. says, “Portland represents everything it means to be an artist in the 21st Century. I love it here. I take my parents money from back home and throw it away on creating bad art for Portlanders to enjoy.” A new art gallery opening on Hawthorne, a neighborhood overrun with suburban kids, will be highlighting art that is so bad that Target wouldn’t buy it. “Luckily for us,” says Jeana from outside of Omaha, Neb., “they’re going to be opening a Target downtown. Can you believe it? I’m so excited. Think of how rad Target’s art department is going to be? Bye bye, Art Media. Hello, Target.” Suburban transplants are thought to be one of Target’s biggest draws after the store opens. Cooperative housing in Portland is catering to the new suburban movement. “We can’t wait to show our parents,” says Heidi from outside of Denver. “I want my parents to experience Portland the way I do. It’s so, so, well, freeing. I aboslutety love it.” Political experts say that while economic development benefits from the movement of suburban kids into the urban core that Portland itself may become more conversative over time due to voting trends from kids in the suburbs. Suburban kids tend to be more conservative, and self-serving, says one insider. A short-film titled “Portland, Through the Eyes of Overland Park,” will be showing on Hawthorne all this month. Tickets: www.ticketsoregon.com; Music Millennium, Reflections, Geneva s, Pattie s Home Plate more info www.singlepayeroregon.org or Bob Gross 503-235-9800 mb/cwa7901 PORTLAND CITY COUNCIL OUR VOICE IN CITY HALL Spending tax dollars wisely to serve all Portlanders Limiting campaign donors to $5-$50 per person www.Amanda2012.com 503-960-3720 PORTLAND RESIDENTS CANT WATCH tow what Portlandia is, since nobody in Portland has a TV A new survey has shown that Portla^ d re^ and therefore ca c a n n ’ t t watch the show watch the show I d u n tn my friends from out east kept asking i f Portlandia was n0 L a what they they were about.” were talking tathm g about. ” Tray Traylor was o life,” says Portland resident Tra^ connection one sunny afternoon to google the show. ‘I g o t to see a <s, Sf U”^ 0V t ^ n 2 r t e T a g T i « ^ d my connection died. I f l d id n ’t know any better, I ’d have thought it was :al news. ” Please join my campaign! —«7'
