street roots
11
April 1, 2012
Earthquake in Portland will be hell on earth
BY HOPEFUL FICTION WRITER
w
END OF W O R LD NEW S
en an earthquake happens at
9:03 a.m. on a Tuesday morning
in Portland, it’s going to be really
bad.
The bridges, gone. Roads, screwed.
Water, not a chance. Hospitals,
overwhelmed. Hospitals on the hill, forget
about it. Cell phone service, none. Old
Town, see ya! Northwest Portland, bye. SW
Portland, maybe you’ll be OK. Maybe not
though.
Local fiction writer’s are throught to be
really excited about all of the possibilities of
an earthquake in Portland, while health
officials say it will be “hell on earth.”
Local scientists publicity say they hope
the day will never come, but secretly hope
that it happens sometime in their lifetime.
Most Portlanders don’t have a clue what
they’ll do, and expect that at least
Walgreen’s will be open in case of a
disaster.
“My emegency plan consists of a couple
of Snicker bars and some Crystal Light,”
said one readers interviewed for this story.
Poor people are expected to loot the hell
out of the city in the case of an earthquake,
most likely hitting the local Rent-A-Centers
and R.E.I.
“Oh hell yeah, I’m going to hit the Rent-
A-Center,” says one Street Roots vendor.
“When they turn the power back on I’m
going to have one big-ass TV.”
Officials in Portland insist they are ready
for an earthquake, pointing to how well they
have deallt with protests over the years.
“If people get out of control, we may not
have enough bottled water, but we have
pepper spray.
One seismology professor at Oregon
State says that if an earthquake happens in
Portland, “It’s going to one earth-rattling
event. Let’s hope that never happens (wink,
wink).”
In n e r C ity B lu e s F e s tiv a l R E U N IO N
Saturday, April 14
MELODY BALLROOM, 615 SE Alder, doors 6:30pm, show 7pm
HEALING THE HEALTH CARE BLUES
99
We need universal, affordable healthcare for all
“EVERYBODY IN, NOBODY OUT”
— Norman Sylvester, Lloyd Jones Struggle,
LaRhonda Steele, Jim Mesi, Sonny Hess, Bill Rhoades,
Lenanne M iller-Sylvester (trib u te to L ad y D ay), Janice Scroggins,
Lloyd Allen, Sarah Billings, Shoehorn (sax & tap), Chatta Addy (African drums)
featuring
Food for sale, plus full-service bar, 21 & over
$15 (CBA members $1 off) —
Benefit for the
Oregon Single Payer Campaign
Co-sponsor—Cascade Blues Association
Suburban kids from U.S. flood
Portland, a rt follows
The Portland art scene has long been
known for attracting some of the best
artists-from the Pacific Northwest and from
urban environments all over the world.
That has all changed since “Portlandia”
and “Grimm” have made Portland a new
hot-spot for suburban kids hoping to find
something other than their drab, cookie-
cutter home life.
“I want to see something weird. I want
to be a part of something weird,” says one
22-year old who moved to Portland from -
Overland Park, Kan. “I’ve always dreamed
of dating a girl with tattoos. I want to live
on the edge. Maybe get my nipples pierced
and hit the donut shop.”
Another recent transplant from Mt.
Veron, IL. says, “Portland represents
everything it means to be an artist in the
21st Century. I love it here. I take my
parents money from back home and throw
it away on creating bad art for Portlanders
to enjoy.”
A new art gallery opening on
Hawthorne, a neighborhood overrun with
suburban kids, will be highlighting art that
is so bad that Target wouldn’t buy it.
“Luckily for us,” says Jeana from outside
of Omaha, Neb., “they’re going to be
opening a Target downtown. Can you
believe it? I’m so excited. Think of how rad
Target’s art department is going to be? Bye
bye, Art Media. Hello, Target.”
Suburban transplants are thought to be
one of Target’s biggest draws after the
store opens.
Cooperative housing in Portland is
catering to the new suburban movement.
“We can’t wait to show our parents,”
says Heidi from outside of Denver. “I want
my parents to experience Portland the way
I do. It’s so, so, well, freeing. I aboslutety
love it.”
Political experts say that while economic
development benefits from the movement
of suburban kids into the urban core that
Portland itself may become more
conversative over time due to voting trends
from kids in the suburbs.
Suburban kids tend to be more
conservative, and self-serving, says one
insider.
A short-film titled “Portland, Through
the Eyes of Overland Park,” will be
showing on Hawthorne all this month.
Tickets: www.ticketsoregon.com; Music Millennium, Reflections, Geneva s, Pattie s Home Plate
more info www.singlepayeroregon.org or Bob Gross 503-235-9800 mb/cwa7901
PORTLAND CITY COUNCIL
OUR VOICE IN CITY HALL
Spending tax dollars wisely
to serve all Portlanders
Limiting campaign donors
to $5-$50 per person
www.Amanda2012.com
503-960-3720
PORTLAND RESIDENTS CANT WATCH tow what Portlandia is, since nobody in Portland has a TV
A new survey has shown that Portla^ d re^
and therefore ca
c a n n ’ t t watch
the show
watch the
show I
d
u n tn my friends from out east kept asking i f Portlandia was
n0 L a what they
they were
about.”
were talking
tathm g about.
” Tray
Traylor was
o life,” says Portland resident Tra^
connection one sunny afternoon to google the show. ‘I g o t to see a
<s, Sf U”^ 0V t ^ n 2 r t e T a g T i « ^ d my connection died. I f l d id n ’t know any better, I ’d have thought it was
:al news. ”
Please join my campaign!
—«7'