Street roots., April 01, 2012, Page 13, Image 13

13
street roots
April 1, 2012
Portland vampires on the decline
ortland vampires have been
disintegrating at a rapidly
disproportionate rate this year in
comparison to centuries past, according to
a recent report released by the Council of
Vampiric Elders.
The report, which is annually released
by the council, cited an unseasonably warm
winter replete with sunshine as the cause
of death for many of the vampires in
question.
Nosferatu XXIII, the council’s appointed
spokesperson, said the figures make him
nervous. “As we move into a new century,
the unforeseen determinates of climate
change will challenge all life on this planet,
especially vampires, who rely on gray days
for survival.”
Portland has long been a winter haven
for vampires due to its mild climate, cool
rain and weeks without sunshine.
Many vampires live in seclusion,
spending their days sleeping in Forest
Park, West Hills mansions and the bell
towers of Trinity Episcopal Cathedral.
Vampires do not discriminate. Vampire-
related disappearances were reported in
every major Portland neighborhood last
year including Sellwood and the Pearl
District.
“Rich people just taste better,”
Nosferatu XXIII said. “They have more iron
in their blood. It must be all the red meat
they can afford to eat.”
Vampires have been a real presence in
Portland since before the city was founded,
but have long been ignored by the city’s
political leadership. This is something Mr.
Nosferatu would like to see changed, and
soon. “The city is talking about equity this,
equity that. The city council even started
an Office of Equity. But I want to know,
where is vampire equity? It’s been like this
for centuries. First you chase us away with
pitchforks and fire, then you write fairy
tales about how much you hate us. Now
you’re creating billion dollar franchises that
profit off of us, and quite frankly these
superficial adaptations don’t tell the real
truth about vampire culture. You ask any
vampire and they will tell you that
‘Twilight’ is terrible, so is ‘Grimm.’ They
don’t show anything like it is.”
While the slow disintegration of
vampires is a reason to celebrate,
Portlanders are encouraged to remain
aware of their surroundings. There are still
many vampires in the area biding their
time until the next drizzly day.
Aside from sunshine, the most reliable
way to destroy a NW vampire is locally
grown, organic garlic. They have developed
an easy immunity to industrially produced
garlic.
P
P H O TO BV M EN N EN
Occupiers skip classes at P S U to work on their new protest to take homelessness to the streets.
Occupiers work on plan to end homelessness
BY PROUD TO BE AN AM ERICAN
FO LK N ETW O K
ccupy Portland protesters have
decided to end homelessness by
increasing the number of people
living in tents citywide.
“We feel like it’s our duty to come out
and get pneumonia with everyone else,” said
one protestor studying economics at
Portland State University. “We believe that
solidarity means making homelessness an
issue. So we’re going to become homeless
too.”
One philosophy major with the group said
most of the homeless organizations in
Portland didn’t have a clue about
O
homelessness, and if they wanted to really
help they would protest their own
organizations and start up an info tent in a
park somewhere east of 82nd Avenue,
where the real working class homeless live.
Others in the Occupy movement are
hesitant and blame people experiencing
mental-illness for being mentally ill in the
first place. “Honestly, they ruined it for us
with their split personalities and drug
addiction. If we could have kept out the
homeless from the camps, we would have
never killed that grass in the park. It’s a
total bummer.”
Labor groups have said they will provide
money for the info tent, but really don’t
have an opinion on homelessness so long as
the message gets out.
Anarchists say that everyone involved in
the movement is wrong and that unless
groups were ready to smash the Burger
King tomorrow night at an undisclosed
location, everyone would burn in a hell they
didn’t believe in along with the other 1
percenters.
Occupy Portlanders are now threatening
to recall Housing Commissioner Nick Fish if
they don’t get tarps donated for a new tent
city by the river. “There are a lot of middle
class people that believe we have a right to
be homeless too,” said one spokesperson.
“Capitalism is to blame.”
METRO COUNCIL CANDIDATES'
HOUSING FORUM
|
Tuesday, April 10
1 1 :3 0 a m -lp m
firs t Unitarian Church, 1011SW 12th Ave.
I
in downtown Portland
Poverty
fw B
FREE
Sponsored by:
f Oregon
/Opportunity
when iW
in 4ii
Kv 0 W
'
1 " T
jO tN
Vote for Dignity.
roots
I
I '' ''
Bring your lunch
and learn about
the candidates
from districts 3,5 & 6