12
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street roots
VI -4
April 1, 2012
Street Roots gets it
wrong, again
BY WRONG AGAIN
R O O T IE T O O T IE FRESH A N D
F R U IT Y N E W S S E R V IC E
treet Roots sent out a
press release and
aplogized for all of the
unfair reporting is has
published in the last three April
Fool’s editions of the
newspaper. It also noted that
the reporting in the other 25
editions of the paper each year
may not be the best either.
“Sadly, they apologize and
then just go out and did it
again,” says one reader who
was disturbed by all the blatant
lies and assumptions in the
publication.
One political insider says it’s
important to note that most of
the time Street Roots isn’t fair
and balanced anyway, like most
of the other media outlets in
town. “It’s all just noise.”
A spokesperson from
S
Constituents have come out o f the cracks in the sidewalks on a range o f issues from transportation to the schools to
parks to housing to the environments to say the sky is falling due to a decline in revenue at the City o f Portland. Mayor
Sam A dam s is thought to be hiding in a bunker somewhere south o f Portland while developing this years budget.
Multnomah County said they
were just glad someone actually
came and talked to them about
anything they were doing.
“Sure, they botched the story,
but hey, it was a story,” said the
spokesperson.
Street Roots said next year
they plan on roasting Beaveton
instead of Portland, and will
take aim at the suburban way of
doing things.
“They have screwed up a lot
of things over the years with
there constant utopian vision
about how downtown should
be,” said one city hall staffer.
“We don’t forgive them for it,
we just ignore them most of the
time and hope they’ll go away.”
“Frankly, I’m tired of it,” said
one business representive
downtown. “Street Roots is so
old news, like two weeks old.”
Trail Blazer players hire own staff, hope to avoid injuries
BY BLAZEDS EDGE HEAD
R IP P E D C IT Y N E W S
eaugue sources say, LaMarcus
Aldridge and several other Trail
Blazers are in the process of hiring
their his own private physicians,
conditioners and a coach.after more than
half of the team goes down with injuries .
during the past two seasons.
Aldridge told the source that he loves
playing for the Trail Blazers, but couldn’t
trust the medical staff further than he can
throw them.
“Look at BRoy and our man Oden, look at
Rudy now, and what was coach thinking
playing Marcus 44 minutes a game — the
guy is like 50-years old.”
Aldridge admits that it sucks being an All-
Star on a team where half the team are
underachievers.
“The truth is the Blazers have been trying
L
to keep the organization so squeaky clean
that there’s really no one left in the game
that has the moral compass to survive
Portland’s expectations. Some say it’s the
rain, some say it’s because we’re a small
market team, or because John Canzano is a
giant d-bag, I don’t know.”
The sources also say that it’s becoming
more clear as to why Sheed and Mighty
Mouse smoked so much weed while playing
in Portland.”
Aldridge says that he is still committed to
the team, and will continue to give 100
percent, but unless there’s a point-guard
available in the near future that the team
will be making vacation plans with the
Golden State Warriors soon.
Fans around Portland are thought to be
jumping off of every bandwagon available at
the beginning of the season, saying that
greenhotline @
other bandwagons are proving to be more
realistic.
Newspapers and interns who offer live
blogging of Trail Blazers games are
disappointed. Not only is their live blogging
platform outdated, but now they have to blog
about losing to a non-existent audience.
Alrdidge says that if one of the richest
men in the world can’t find a point-guard in
the off season, that he’ll offer up some
players from his hometown of Dallas —
where he says there’s a handfull of guards
playing on the streets that are better than
what the Blazers have now.
In the meantime, Trail Blazers scouting
reports say they won’t be drafting anyone in
the future with knees — saying that they
believe if the team kind find players without
knees the chances of injury will go down
significantly.
Thank you for your
support of your local
neighborhood vendor! We
appreciate your love!
Find out more about
Street Roots at
www.streetroots.org
Portland
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Roots and keeping our vendors warm in the m orning!
Thank you!