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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 6, 2004)
26 . » august 6.2004 Continued from Pune 2 5 adds. “ It’s IjiistJ when we lt>se ourselves in our coupledom that it becomes problematic.” Portland licensed clinical therapist Gwenn G x ly says: “ I call it depolarization and over- domestication. Domestic harmony calls lor minimizing differences at least to the point of cheerful negotiations...around issues that are mundane, concrete...those aren’t exactly the best conditions for sexual intensity." For example, the 43-year-old says, “Try keeping your erotic interest up u'ith your part ner of four years while waiting in line at the "What about...?" Other contributing factors • History of sexual abuse: “One of the most difficult factors to manage in an adult sex life/physical intimacy is a history of abuse," says Portland licensed clinical social worker Beth Richman. • Cultural issues: “Two women from dif ferent cultures are going to bring different issues and feelings about sex...stuff that you got back from your grandma that you have to remember and own,” says Wendy Blenning, a licensed clinical social worker in Portland. • Stress and time constraints: Life is hec tic. A t the end o f a long day, it can be difficult to muster the energy to have sex. • Poor— if any— role models: “Because of the ways in which we are in the sexual spotlight as lesbians.. .1 think that many of us are highly cautious of having our representations of sexual ity appropriated by the media,” says Richman. grocery store to purchase your last- minute items for a dinner party.” Richman calls it enmeshment, which means the couple become too close. “Lesbians— due to homo phobia, sexism and possibly other forms of oppression— have typically had to be private about their love and sex lives. This has created a dynamic where lesbian couples can become closer than what we typi cally see in other couples.” Physiology and chemistry: "It takes me forever to orgasm" ? “This can prixluce feelings of resentment and o shame either that your partner doesn’t want ^ you or that your affection means you are in increased danger of violence.” Blenning says internalized homophobia is s hard to face. “We don’t like to admit that we have it, especially when you've been out for a long time,” she says. “We have to recognize it and deal w'ith it.” Even in the bednxim when it’s just you and your lover, homophobia com es through the crack in the dtx>r. “The cultural message we hear is that sex between two women is immoral, dirty, disgusting. Lesbian sex is pro foundly affected by this message,” writes Loulan, who notes that our beds aren’t big “ The more you can make a safe space to explore fantasies, enough to hold our families, politicians, soci wishes and turn-ons, the better” ety and our lover. — Beth Richman n human pair-bonding, the initial phases of the relationship are rife with a lovely chemical called PEA that creates much of the initial ‘in love’ feelings, including intense sexual desire,” says Cody, who is bisexual. But once the chemicals die down and you’re ensconced in a relationship, Cody says the waning PEA levels can “lead to shutting down the avenues of intense intimate con tact.” According to G xly, this means we often settle instead “for the intimacy of domesticity over passionate connection and deeper exploration of who we really are and what is really possible between us.” Richman believes hormone levels can also greatly affect libido. G xly agrees: “Testosterone matters!” Like wise, she says, “Chronic pain, fibromyalgia and other chronic illness also can put quite a damper on sexual desire.” Bridge City Family Medical Clinic, PC Mi. Teri B unker, FNP So, too, can the aging process. “ Ilfl we’re going through peri-menopausal symptoms, we don’t lubricate the same way we did, we don’t get turned on to the same things,” says 47- year-old Blenning. “Our bodies are aging, and so it will sometimes take us longer to reach orgasm.” Internalized homophobia: "Don't hold my hand in public" A ccording to Richman, there are many ways homophobia can seep into a relationship. One major factor is the reduction of space where you can be affectionate. “It can be very dangerous to have public displays of affection for lesbians,” she says. answers. • • • • Chronic and Acute Health Care Needs Family Practice/Primary Health Care for Women, Men and Children of All Ages 2821 INK 58th Avenu** • Portland. 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