26
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» august 6.2004
Continued from Pune 2 5
adds. “ It’s IjiistJ when we lt>se ourselves in our
coupledom that it becomes problematic.”
Portland licensed clinical therapist Gwenn
G x ly says: “ I call it depolarization and over-
domestication. Domestic harmony calls lor
minimizing differences at least to the point of
cheerful negotiations...around issues that are
mundane, concrete...those aren’t exactly the
best conditions for sexual intensity."
For example, the 43-year-old says, “Try
keeping your erotic interest up u'ith your part
ner of four years while waiting in line at the
"What about...?"
Other contributing factors
• History of sexual abuse: “One of the
most difficult factors to manage in an adult sex
life/physical intimacy is a history of abuse,"
says Portland licensed clinical social worker
Beth Richman.
• Cultural issues: “Two women from dif
ferent cultures are going to bring different
issues and feelings about sex...stuff that you
got back from your grandma that you have to
remember and own,” says Wendy Blenning, a
licensed clinical social worker in Portland.
• Stress and time constraints: Life is hec
tic. A t the end o f a long day, it can be difficult
to muster the energy to have sex.
• Poor— if any— role models: “Because of
the ways in which we are in the sexual spotlight
as lesbians.. .1 think that many of us are highly
cautious of having our representations of sexual
ity appropriated by the media,” says Richman.
grocery store to purchase your last-
minute items for a dinner party.”
Richman calls it enmeshment,
which means the couple become
too close. “Lesbians— due to homo
phobia, sexism and possibly other
forms of oppression— have typically
had to be private about their love
and sex lives. This has created a
dynamic where lesbian couples can
become closer than what we typi
cally see in other couples.”
Physiology and chemistry:
"It takes me forever to
orgasm"
? “This can prixluce feelings of resentment and
o shame either that your partner doesn’t want
^ you or that your affection means you are in
increased danger of violence.”
Blenning says internalized homophobia is
s hard to face. “We don’t like to admit that we
have it, especially when you've been out for a
long time,” she says. “We have to recognize it
and deal w'ith it.”
Even in the bednxim when it’s just you
and your lover, homophobia com es through
the crack in the dtx>r. “The cultural message
we hear is that sex between two women is
immoral, dirty, disgusting. Lesbian sex is pro
foundly affected by this message,” writes
Loulan, who notes that our beds aren’t big
“ The more you can make a safe space to explore fantasies,
enough to hold our families, politicians, soci
wishes and turn-ons, the better”
ety and our lover.
— Beth Richman
n human pair-bonding, the
initial phases of the
relationship are rife with a lovely
chemical called PEA that creates much of the
initial ‘in love’ feelings, including intense sexual
desire,” says Cody, who is bisexual.
But once the chemicals die down and
you’re ensconced in a relationship, Cody says
the waning PEA levels can “lead to shutting
down the avenues of intense intimate con
tact.” According to G xly, this means we
often settle instead “for the intimacy of
domesticity over passionate connection and
deeper exploration of who we really are and
what is really possible between us.”
Richman believes hormone levels can also
greatly affect libido.
G xly agrees: “Testosterone matters!” Like
wise, she says, “Chronic pain, fibromyalgia and
other chronic illness also can put quite a damper
on sexual desire.”
Bridge City Family Medical Clinic, PC
Mi.
Teri B unker, FNP
So, too, can the aging process. “ Ilfl we’re
going through peri-menopausal symptoms, we
don’t lubricate the same way we did, we don’t
get turned on to the same things,” says 47-
year-old Blenning. “Our bodies are aging, and
so it will sometimes take us longer to reach
orgasm.”
Internalized homophobia: "Don't
hold my hand in public"
A
ccording to Richman, there are many
ways homophobia can seep into a
relationship. One major factor is the
reduction of space where you can be
affectionate.
“It can be very dangerous to have public
displays of affection for lesbians,” she says.
answers.
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ave you ever apologized for how long it
took you to orgasm? I’m almost there, I
swear. Are you O K? I’m sorry.
“I spend a lot of time working with women
on that issue,” says Blenning. “ Being selfish,
really identifying for themselves what they
need and feeling O K about asking for and get
ting what they need...[is not whatj we’re
taught to do.”
Blenning says one o f the reasons can be
found in the way women are socialized to
become mothers. “Little girls I know still
have that goal of being mom and caretaker of
others. Just by definition that is putting som e
one else first. We internalize th at...an d that’s
a big problem.”
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