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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 21, 2003)
fabruaiy 21.20Û3* J u t M ^ 23 She said something like, “ ‘Yeah, I didn’t, hut I liked these olives; I don’t know, the olives were gtxxJ.’ A nd he said, ‘Btit you don’t like them, you never like olives when / give you olives.’ ” Tony laughs. “I didn’t care about the date or the sex or anything,” he says, “hut the olives...” Actually, it makes a lot of sense. Amy’s girl friend was offering the exact same thing Tony had offered and had been turned down for. “Jealousy may he an expression of insecurity, of fear of rejection, fear of abandonm ent, feel ing left out,” says The Ethical Slut. “Jealousy might actually he envy.” Some have more than one partner they’re com mitted to but do not pursue relationships or sex beyond that, commonly known as “polyfidelity.” Weiss mentions a lesbian couple who have been coming to the group— one of them is Ux)king for a boyfriend with the support of her partner. As many different ways of doing polyamory as there are people. Weiss began the group to connect with other polys, who he calls a “very invisible minority.” He identifies as hi and finds polyamory specifi cally appealing to bisexuals. Like Tony, the lifestyle comes to him quite naturally. “It came out of my experiences living com munally with people. 1 developed a real taste for sharing space and idealism about that," he ealousy is certainly an ongoing topic at explains, seeing monogamy as largely culturally Portland’s Polyamory Circle. Founded influenced. “It’s very much a factor of environ three years ago by Laury Weiss, who ment. We don’t see collective role rruxJels in facilitates monthly meetings with Theresa the media; we don’t see threesomes, Reed (aka Portland sex writer Dark- even though we’re out there." lady), the group is a striking This is a big subject at example of the variety of peo the January meeting. A ple and intentions going on participant named Aaron in the poly world. asserts: “O ne of the sta Its January meeting tistics I’ve seen is that included couples who 30 percent of the cul came together, a few tures in the world are who came without their non monogamous. We partners and a few sin go with this presump gles. O f the 10 partici tion that humans are pants (attendance gener monogamous, and it’s ally ranges from 10 to just not true. O ur culture is 30), five identified as monogamous.” straight, four as hi and one as — Aaron, polyamorous bi-curious. Ages appeared to Weiss admits, though, for three years range from late 20s to early 50s. that “it’s a matter of individual taste. I think it’s very culturally influ Two couples had never been before enced, hut I think that some people just natu and were looking to meet other poly people. rally tend to monogamy— whether heterosexu T he others were old hands. al or gay.” “Anybody who wants to can jump in and say, ‘Well, this is what 1 think’ or ask questions So what about jealousy? The first question of the group,” explains Weiss. “Sometimes we that pops into the minds of most monogamous- minded people (or "monos”) is “Don’t they get may do topics that people are interested in ... we’ll open a can of worms like jealousy or jealous?” T he answer is: O f course, sometimes. But living together or taking responsibility for chil talking with your partner and figuring out the dren or time issues.... W ho do you wake up with on Sunday morning, who goes to Thanks root cause of that jealousy is common for polys. Most admit it’s not about the other lover so giving dinner, how do you introduce that third much as they themselves aren’t getting some person to your family— that sort of thing.” thing they need. A nd then there’s compersion. T h e conversation is generally candid, and “Compersion can be defined as a feeling of you can say as little or as m uch as you like. happiness seeing your partner being fulfilled in For participants it’s also just nice to hang out a way that you’re not able to do,” explains w ith people who lead a similar lifestyle. Weiss. For instance, “If your partner plays chess (M ost Just O ut readers, I’m sure, can relate and you don’t, you want to see them in that to this.) tournam ent— you want to see them do well— O ne male/female couple are Icxiking for a even though it might not be your interest, woman they can both have a relationship with. even though it might take up some of the time A nother are looking for a woman just for the you would like to spend with them. It’s a m at female to have a relationship with. ter of giving the other person space to do what O ther couples regularly engage in love ever they want knowing they will he and/or sex with people they’re attracted to. I "We go w ith this presumption that humans are monogamous, and i t ’s ju s t not true. Our culture is monogamous. ’ B e y o n d W t h e C Auto, Home, Life, Health & Business l o s e t o r k s h o p “ C o m in g O u t P o w erfully This 2 day workshop is a safe, supportive and nurturing environment designed for men who are ready to begin the journey of coming out. Enhance your feelings of self w o rth and self esteem. Im prove your re la tio n s h ip s w ith fa m ily friends & coworkers. Function powerfully as a whole and complete human being. ” eph&b "Your Independent Insurance Agency" back...knowing you’re not going to be aban doned just because your love interest has another love r interest... taking pleasure in your part ner’s pleasure.... We think of it as being the opposite of jealousy.” Weiss says he would like to see himself in an intentional living situation with three or four other people. “I call it neo-tribalism. The advantages are just incredible. Multiple incomes, the ability for one person to stop working and go back to school or take care of a child— the flexibility that it offers. A nd com panionship— 1 think we’ve really lost that a lot. People in what they call prehistory used to live in tribes, and I think that was a really more sat isfying way of living together.” He would argue, though, against polyamory becoming trendy. “I think it’s becoming more vis ible. As a concept, people are either more informed about it or more openly curious.” ack at the coffee shop, a com ment from Amy explains part of the impor tance of the Polyamory Circle to people in the community. “It’s really difficult,” she says, "to find Laury Weiss has plenty of love to go around. H e founded and facilitates someone who linn,f . Portland’s Polyamory Circle. wants to get 7 7 Although Will, 44, didn’t know exactly involved in a polyamorous relationship who’s what to expect, he did have 10 years to get not already polyamorous.” used to the idea and, he says, he was “comfort A nd yet it doesn’t always turn out quite able enough in our relationship" to decide the that way. time had come. “She could leave me and go Portlanders Lisa and Will met back in the mid- out and date girls or she could stay_married and '80s, fell in love, got married and had a baby boy. see how this w orked...! didn’t really want to With Will’s daughter from a previous marriage, separate from my wife.” they were a happy family of four. But they both So Lisa began “just showing up at the knew that number could eventually get bigger. Egyptian alone,” she says. “I didn’t know “I prepped him early on,” Lisa, 35, smiles. anybody...it was kinda scary." She knew from the time she was 4 years old, A nd meeting women is hard when you’re she says, that she was bisexual, although she wearing a wedding ring. She wanted to be h on didn’t have a name for it. She also knew she est about her situation from the start, so she was polyamorous, which she didn’t have a always told women right away she was married. name for, either. But she knew when she grew “T hat turned a lot of girls off. Surprisingly, up she wanted a husband— and a wife. huh?” she laughs. “I secretly in my heart of hearts saw myself in Then out of the blue Lisa found someone it the future with [both].... Some little girls want a didn’t turn off. She and Kristen made eyes at each Cinderella story; that was my Cinderella story.” other six years ago at Embers, then started talking. Although she never had a physical relation “She immediately told me she was married...I ship with a woman before she got married, she thought it was kind of cool. Most people w<xjld knew it would be in her future, and she and probably kind of feel you out before they said any- Will talked about it now and again. “After 10 years I finally said: ‘You know what? I want to experience that.’ ” C ontinued on Page 24 Ü U/onU- A c c e stì H Travel Arrangem ents Tailored to Your N eeds Insurance 4 FJhott. Powell, B aden Sc Baker, Inc. Hartford still offers earthquake insurance on older homes Hawaiian Airlines j Nonstop to Maui from Portland. Call for select dales and prices, Service begins February 1st, 2003 ~ restrictions apply~ M a r c h 1 s t & 2 n d A p r i l 5 th & 6 th 1 j J for details contact: ¡6547 SW Bemrtar Hill'd* Hey Porthed, OR 97225 Choose from two weekend workshops: E R I C P a u l - Life Coach 503-288-6049 T ericmpaul @ earth li nk. net H he t á tí artford M arc Baker Dow ntow n Portland ( 503 ) 227-1771 www epbb.com 503 - 292-0675 • 1 - 8 8 8 - 317-8886 «ww. 0 orldaeceffts.eom VA 1 Michael Paduano As a native Seattle resident. 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