fabruaiy 21.20Û3* J u t M ^ 23
She said something like, “ ‘Yeah, I didn’t,
hut I liked these olives; I don’t know, the olives
were gtxxJ.’ A nd he said, ‘Btit you don’t like
them, you never like olives when / give you
olives.’ ”
Tony laughs. “I didn’t care about the date or
the sex or anything,” he says, “hut the olives...”
Actually, it makes a lot of sense. Amy’s girl
friend was offering the exact same thing Tony
had offered and had been turned down for.
“Jealousy may he an expression of insecurity,
of fear of rejection, fear of abandonm ent, feel
ing left out,” says The Ethical Slut. “Jealousy
might actually he envy.”
Some have more than one partner they’re com
mitted to but do not pursue relationships or sex
beyond that, commonly known as “polyfidelity.”
Weiss mentions a lesbian couple who have
been coming to the group— one of them is
Ux)king for a boyfriend with the support of her
partner. As many different ways of doing
polyamory as there are people.
Weiss began the group to connect with other
polys, who he calls a “very invisible minority.”
He identifies as hi and finds polyamory specifi
cally appealing to bisexuals. Like Tony, the
lifestyle comes to him quite naturally.
“It came out of my experiences living com
munally with people. 1 developed a real taste
for sharing space and idealism about that," he
ealousy is certainly an ongoing topic at
explains, seeing monogamy as largely culturally
Portland’s Polyamory Circle. Founded
influenced. “It’s very much a factor of environ
three years ago by Laury Weiss, who
ment. We don’t see collective role rruxJels in
facilitates monthly meetings with Theresa
the media; we don’t see threesomes,
Reed (aka Portland sex writer Dark-
even though we’re out there."
lady), the group is a striking
This is a big subject at
example of the variety of peo
the January meeting. A
ple and intentions going on
participant named Aaron
in the poly world.
asserts: “O ne of the sta
Its January meeting
tistics I’ve seen is that
included couples who
30 percent of the cul
came together, a few
tures in the world are
who came without their
non monogamous. We
partners and a few sin
go with this presump
gles. O f the 10 partici
tion that humans are
pants (attendance gener
monogamous, and it’s
ally ranges from 10 to
just not true. O ur culture is
30), five identified as
monogamous.”
straight, four as hi and one as — Aaron, polyamorous
bi-curious. Ages appeared to
Weiss admits, though,
for three years
range from late 20s to early 50s.
that “it’s a matter of individual
taste. I think it’s very culturally influ
Two couples had never been before
enced, hut I think that some people just natu
and were looking to meet other poly people.
rally tend to monogamy— whether heterosexu
T he others were old hands.
al or gay.”
“Anybody who wants to can jump in and
say, ‘Well, this is what 1 think’ or ask questions
So what about jealousy? The first question
of the group,” explains Weiss. “Sometimes we
that pops into the minds of most monogamous-
minded people (or "monos”) is “Don’t they get
may do topics that people are interested
in ... we’ll open a can of worms like jealousy or
jealous?”
T he answer is: O f course, sometimes. But
living together or taking responsibility for chil
talking with your partner and figuring out the
dren or time issues.... W ho do you wake up
with on Sunday morning, who goes to Thanks
root cause of that jealousy is common for polys.
Most admit it’s not about the other lover so
giving dinner, how do you introduce that third
much as they themselves aren’t getting some
person to your family— that sort of thing.”
thing they need. A nd then there’s compersion.
T h e conversation is generally candid, and
“Compersion can be defined as a feeling of
you can say as little or as m uch as you like.
happiness seeing your partner being fulfilled in
For participants it’s also just nice to hang out
a way that you’re not able to do,” explains
w ith people who lead a similar lifestyle.
Weiss. For instance, “If your partner plays chess
(M ost Just O ut readers, I’m sure, can relate
and you don’t, you want to see them in that
to this.)
tournam ent— you want to see them do well—
O ne male/female couple are Icxiking for a
even though it might not be your interest,
woman they can both have a relationship with.
even though it might take up some of the time
A nother are looking for a woman just for the
you would like to spend with them. It’s a m at
female to have a relationship with.
ter of giving the other person space to do what
O ther couples regularly engage in love
ever
they want knowing they will he
and/or sex with people they’re attracted to.
I
"We go w ith
this presumption
that humans are
monogamous, and
i t ’s ju s t not true.
Our culture is
monogamous. ’
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back...knowing you’re not going to be aban
doned just because
your love interest
has another love r
interest... taking
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ner’s pleasure.... We think
of it as being the opposite of jealousy.”
Weiss says he would like to see himself in
an intentional living situation with three or
four other people. “I call it neo-tribalism.
The advantages are just incredible. Multiple
incomes, the ability for one person to stop
working and go back to school or take care of a
child— the flexibility that it offers. A nd com
panionship— 1 think we’ve really lost that a lot.
People in what they call prehistory used to live
in tribes, and I think that was a really more sat
isfying way of living together.”
He would argue, though, against polyamory
becoming trendy. “I think it’s becoming more vis
ible. As a concept, people are either more
informed about it or more openly curious.”
ack at the coffee shop, a com
ment from Amy
explains
part of the impor
tance of the
Polyamory Circle
to people in the
community. “It’s
really difficult,”
she says, "to find
Laury Weiss has plenty of love to go around. H e founded and facilitates
someone who
linn,f
.
Portland’s Polyamory Circle.
wants to get
7
7
Although Will, 44, didn’t know exactly
involved in a polyamorous relationship who’s
what
to expect, he did have 10 years to get
not already polyamorous.”
used to the idea and, he says, he was “comfort
A nd yet it doesn’t always turn out quite
able
enough in our relationship" to decide the
that way.
time had come. “She could leave me and go
Portlanders Lisa and Will met back in the mid-
out and date girls or she could stay_married and
'80s, fell in love, got married and had a baby boy.
see how this w orked...! didn’t really want to
With Will’s daughter from a previous marriage,
separate from my wife.”
they were a happy family of four. But they both
So Lisa began “just showing up at the
knew that number could eventually get bigger.
Egyptian alone,” she says. “I didn’t know
“I prepped him early on,” Lisa, 35, smiles.
anybody...it was kinda scary."
She knew from the time she was 4 years old,
A nd meeting women is hard when you’re
she says, that she was bisexual, although she
wearing a wedding ring. She wanted to be h on
didn’t have a name for it. She also knew she
est about her situation from the start, so she
was polyamorous, which she didn’t have a
always told women right away she was married.
name for, either. But she knew when she grew
“T hat turned a lot of girls off. Surprisingly,
up she wanted a husband— and a wife.
huh?” she laughs.
“I secretly in my heart of hearts saw myself in
Then out of the blue Lisa found someone it
the future with [both].... Some little girls want a
didn’t
turn off. She and Kristen made eyes at each
Cinderella story; that was my Cinderella story.”
other six years ago at Embers, then started talking.
Although she never had a physical relation
“She immediately told me she was married...I
ship with a woman before she got married, she
thought it was kind of cool. Most people w<xjld
knew it would be in her future, and she and
probably kind of feel you out before they said any-
Will talked about it now and again. “After 10
years I finally said: ‘You know what? I want to
experience that.’ ”
C ontinued on Page 24
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