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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 21, 2003)
tebmary 21 2003 2 2 II PorT\aoJ co<jp\e.s abaoJoo ^»JeViTy •Gor a b taste, n ew wor\J o-G /nw\T'ip\e retaiTioosWtps., Wby? by L isa 3raJ*V>aw PV\oTos by t'V fT y DaVtS Editor’s note: In some cases, first names only are used in this article in order to protect the privacy of those interviewed. Some first names have been changed. hen Just Out decided to tackle polyamory, I thought I’d have to coax Portland families out of the woodwork; I thought I’d have to explain to friends about what the term even means and com tend with their raised eyebrows. How foolish I was. “Oh, yeah,” was a common response. “You know Jill who was at our party the other night? She has two husbands.” Or, “My girl- friend and I were at this club last weekend, and we both got dates!” Why are more and more couples and indi viduals chtxising to enter into relationships that appear (at least to the traditionally monogamous) to he emotionally difficult or, at the very least, more challenging than the status quo of one plus one equals true love? According to Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszts runaway hit kx>k The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, the meaning of the term “polyamory” is “a bit vague.” While some use it to refer only to multiple committed relationships, others may use it to describe what is popularly known as an “open relation ship"—ctxjples who are committed to each other but enjoy casual sex and dating outside that commitment. OK, a working definition. But as quickly becomes evident, polyamory can he as fluid as, well, sex and gender. f | J f you look at the poly community," [ says Amy, perched at a table in Pete’s Coffee, "there are as many dif ferent ways of doing polyamory as there are people, practically.” She and her partner, Tony, have been together on and off since meeting in Portland at college 10 years ago. They were long distance lovers during graduate school, then lived together in the Bay Area before moving back to Portland in 2000. Both identify as bisexual, and from the beginning, they’ve been polyamorous. “For me, polyamory always seemed like the reasonable way to go," says Tony, 32. “Monogamy always seemed like kind of a weird thing to do.” Although they’re a long-term couple, they refuse to get legally married. “If same-sex part ners can’t be married, then it’s not very reason able for opposite-sex partners to be married,” t f Tony asserts. “It’s taking advantage of some thing that not everyone can do.” This kind of pragmatism creates the basis for the couple’s successful polyamorous rela tionship. “1 usually say ‘negotiated non monogamy,’ ’’ Amy notes, “because it is such a priKess.” After coming out as bisexual years ago, she became more interested in women and less interested in men. “But, then, part of that is I also have this...long-standing commitment. Him being a man didn’t seem like a good enough reason for us to not be together," she laughs. Tony laughs back. “I lucked out.” Having “negotiated nonmonogamy" allows Amy to see women while keeping her primary partnership intact. “ It’s just nice," the 30-year- old remarks, for both of them "to he able to go to a party and flirt with someone and maybe kiss someone and not have to worry [about the other! finding out.” But that doesn’t mean they just mess around willy-nilly. “We’ve got some ground rules in place,” she continues, “where if either of us meets somebody we can go up to a certain point without checking in.” Then if he or she wants to see someone again, “We end up talking,” Amy explains. “I want to know more about this person. What’s this person’s situation? Also, it would be really important for me to meet anyone." Although they both come to consensus on their ground rules, they didn’t come to polyamory in the same way. Tony is more nature, and Amy is more nurture. “I feel it’s been more of a choice," she says, "and a con scious choice, to explore this particular way of doing a relationship." Whether monogamous couples are natu rally doing what’s right for them or are affect brave enough to talk about your real needs and ed by culture is an ongoing poly debate. “1 ask for them.” think that people who are monogamous just Amy concurs. “Just keeping the lines of out of it being society’s expectation miss a communication about what’s going on. I mean, lot,” insists Tony, saying he’s “very much jealousy does happen.” interested in not assuming anything about She grins at her partner across the table. “I our relationship...or ignoring difficulties have to tell the olive story." because they’re all polished over by As the legend goes, Amy thinking, ‘This is my girlfriend, was seeing a woman when she this is my relationship.’ ” and Tony lived in California. Polyamory, he contin don think “The olive story,” says ues, “ is a way to not be Amy, “is a wonderful able to take those short m onogam y is better illustration of how cuts. It’s a way to force yourself to talk about fo r society o r p o lyam o ry strange jealousy is.” One evening Amy’s this stuff on an ongo is better fo r society. girlfriend cooked ing basis...to make sure everyone is given / think choices are b etter dinner for her. “She bought all kinds of the things they need.” olives. Usually I’m not a fo r society." Regardless of where big fan of olives. Tony gets you stand, though, “1 don’t —Amy. nonmonogamous them a lot, and he was think monogamy is better for 10 gears always, ‘Do you want some for s(x:iety or polyamory is bet olives?’ and I said, ‘Nah, I don’t ter for society,” says Amy. “I think really like olives.’ But for whatever choices are better for stx:iety.” reason...all these olives...they were great, and Success at nonmonogamy, they both agree, I ate a bunch.” is firmly rooted in excellent and honest com The next day she was telling Tony about munication. “Communication and be brave," her date and casually mentioned she had advises Tony. “Talk about the things that you olives. “Olives?” she recalls Tony saying. “ But want, not about the things you think people you don’t like olives." will want you to talk about...you have to be 7 Tony is going on 10 years of “ negotiated nonmonogamy“ with his partner, Amy
