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Editor’s note: In some cases, first names only are used in this article in order to protect the privacy of those
interviewed. Some first names have been changed.
hen Just Out decided to tackle polyamory, I
thought I’d have to coax Portland families out of
the woodwork; I thought I’d have to explain to
friends about what the term even means and com
tend with their raised eyebrows. How foolish I was.
“Oh, yeah,” was a common response. “You know Jill who was at
our party the other night? She has two husbands.” Or, “My girl-
friend and I were at this club last weekend, and we both got dates!”
Why are more and more couples and indi
viduals chtxising to enter into relationships
that appear (at least to the traditionally
monogamous) to he emotionally difficult or, at
the very least, more challenging than the status
quo of one plus one equals true love?
According to Dossie Easton and Catherine
A. Liszts runaway hit kx>k The Ethical Slut: A
Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, the meaning
of the term “polyamory” is “a bit vague.” While
some use it to refer only to multiple committed
relationships, others may use it to describe
what is popularly known as an “open relation
ship"—ctxjples who are committed to each
other but enjoy casual sex and dating outside
that commitment.
OK, a working definition. But as quickly
becomes evident, polyamory can he as fluid as,
well, sex and gender.
f | J f you look at the poly community,"
[ says Amy, perched at a table in
Pete’s Coffee, "there are as many dif
ferent ways of doing polyamory as there are
people, practically.”
She and her partner, Tony, have been
together on and off since meeting in Portland
at college 10 years ago. They were long
distance lovers during graduate school, then
lived together in the Bay Area before moving
back to Portland in 2000. Both identify as
bisexual, and from the beginning, they’ve been
polyamorous.
“For me, polyamory always seemed like the
reasonable way to go," says Tony, 32.
“Monogamy always seemed like kind of a weird
thing to do.”
Although they’re a long-term couple, they
refuse to get legally married. “If same-sex part
ners can’t be married, then it’s not very reason
able for opposite-sex partners to be married,”
t f
Tony asserts. “It’s taking advantage of some
thing that not everyone can do.”
This kind of pragmatism creates the basis
for the couple’s successful polyamorous rela
tionship. “1 usually say ‘negotiated non
monogamy,’ ’’ Amy notes, “because it is such a
priKess.”
After coming out as bisexual years ago, she
became more interested in women and less
interested in men. “But, then, part of that is I
also have this...long-standing commitment.
Him being a man didn’t seem like a good
enough reason for us to not be together," she
laughs.
Tony laughs back. “I lucked out.”
Having “negotiated nonmonogamy" allows
Amy to see women while keeping her primary
partnership intact. “ It’s just nice," the 30-year-
old remarks, for both of them "to he able to go
to a party and flirt with someone and maybe
kiss someone and not have to worry [about the
other! finding out.”
But that doesn’t mean they just mess
around willy-nilly. “We’ve got some ground
rules in place,” she continues, “where if either
of us meets somebody we can go up to a certain
point without checking in.”
Then if he or she wants to see someone
again, “We end up talking,” Amy explains. “I
want to know more about this person. What’s
this person’s situation? Also, it would be really
important for me to meet anyone."
Although they both come to consensus on
their ground rules, they didn’t come to
polyamory in the same way. Tony is more
nature, and Amy is more nurture. “I feel it’s
been more of a choice," she says, "and a con
scious choice, to explore this particular way of
doing a relationship."
Whether monogamous couples are natu
rally doing what’s right for them or are affect
brave enough to talk about your real needs and
ed by culture is an ongoing poly debate. “1
ask for them.”
think that people who are monogamous just
Amy concurs. “Just keeping the lines of
out of it being society’s expectation miss a
communication
about what’s going on. I mean,
lot,” insists Tony, saying he’s “very much
jealousy does happen.”
interested in not assuming anything about
She grins at her partner across the table. “I
our relationship...or ignoring difficulties
have to tell the olive story."
because they’re all polished over by
As the legend goes, Amy
thinking, ‘This is my girlfriend,
was seeing a woman when she
this is my relationship.’ ”
and Tony lived in California.
Polyamory, he contin
don
think
“The olive story,” says
ues, “ is a way to not be
Amy, “is a wonderful
able to take those short
m
onogam
y
is
better
illustration of how
cuts. It’s a way to force
yourself to talk about
fo r society o r p o lyam o ry strange jealousy is.”
One evening Amy’s
this stuff on an ongo
is better fo r society.
girlfriend cooked
ing basis...to make
sure everyone is given
/ think choices are b etter dinner for her. “She
bought all kinds of
the things they need.”
olives. Usually I’m not a
fo r society."
Regardless of where
big fan of olives. Tony gets
you stand, though, “1 don’t
—Amy. nonmonogamous
them a lot, and he was
think monogamy is better
for 10 gears always, ‘Do you want some
for s(x:iety or polyamory is bet
olives?’ and I said, ‘Nah, I don’t
ter for society,” says Amy. “I think
really like olives.’ But for whatever
choices are better for stx:iety.”
reason...all these olives...they were great, and
Success at nonmonogamy, they both agree,
I ate a bunch.”
is firmly rooted in excellent and honest com
The next day she was telling Tony about
munication. “Communication and be brave,"
her date and casually mentioned she had
advises Tony. “Talk about the things that you
olives. “Olives?” she recalls Tony saying. “ But
want, not about the things you think people
you don’t like olives."
will want you to talk about...you have to be
7
Tony is going on 10 years of “ negotiated nonmonogamy“ with his partner, Amy