Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1981)
more shit RA charged in fire Police have charged the res ident assistant of Spiller Dorm itory with arson in connection with the fire that gutted the dorm’s entrance hall two weeks ago. Bent Doll, who has unsuc cessfully tried to sell the dorm, is accused with torching the building to collect insurance. "I was losing my shirt on the deal,” Doll told reporters. “And besides, that creep above me never turns his stereo down.” Doll will be arraigned Thurs day —faking the news— From Asphyxiated Press reports NEW YORK — Rats descended on New Jersey Tuesday, gnawing the flesh off the bones of the Garden State’s residents. Federal officials responded to the pleas of New Jersey officials by laughing at them over the phone and saying that New Jerseyites deserve whatever happens to them. WASHINGTON — The American Hurtage Foundation, a prominent think-tank dedicated to "restoring America’s basic values," today sent a 1,009-page summary of its recommen dations to Pres. Reagan. Chief among the Foundation’s recommendations is the proposal that masturbation be made a federal crime punishable by public hanging. White House and Congressional leaders promised to give "hard consider ation" to the proposal. CHICAGO — “Penthouse" publisher Bob Guccione today announced that he was reaching out to Oregon to hire the staff of the Lane County District Attorney's office as "special consultants" in the porn king's film division. The lawyers, who will attend special screenings of pornographic films, were hired "because of their massive experience with this sort of thing.” WASHINGTON — The Food and Drug Administration, in cooperation with the Justice Department, today released a report saying that former Teamsters Union president Jimmy Hoffa actually died of cancer after a lifetime of drinking coffee. FDA and Justice Department spokesmen said that the new medical evidence concerning the carcinogenic qualities of coffee “make it obvious” that reports of foul play in the disappearance of the controversial union leader were "totally erroneous.” MOSCOW — The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics Tuesday declared war on the United States Pres. Reagan promises retaliation for the Soviet invasion of Alaska, and informed sources say a nuclear holocaust is imminent. mixed peasparrows W5 ONLV WISH IS TO PO HI5 PVW, SERVE U)ITM tiONOR ANP PERHAPS 0E :aliep “stout fellow" New comic strip debuts today All right, you assholes, have it your way. We tried to do a poor, struggling cartoonist a favor last fall by printing his strip — but no, you called it shit and sent us petitions and threatened to inundate our offices with sparrow carcasses. Never mind that "Peanuts” is published in every other daily paper in the area, appears on television more often than Star Trek, and is emblazoned on every poster, t-shirt and coffee mug from here to eternity. So we tried again. Another poor, struggling cartoonist, another avant-garde strip. This time, not only did the Schulz fans scream at us for not bringing back Charlie Brown and Co., but latent "Sparrow” fans suddenly appeared, accusing us of choosing an even worse strip. And when we finally did bring back "Pean uts,’’ did we get nice letters of thanks? No — everyone bitched at us for burying it in the clas sifieds. Give us a fucking break! We’re tired of fighting with you. So we’re printing everything on page two, and if you don’t like it, that’s your problem. After all, what are you going to do — cancel your subscription? Photographer glows with rage Spill prompts nuclear family University of Oregon Health Sciences Center officials have hailed as miraculous today’s birth of a 27-pound infant with four eyes, three arms and com plete sets of both male and female genitals. The parents, both University physics graduate students, met in January while serving as lab assistants in the physics labor atory that was later the site of an unfortunate radioactive chem ical spill. The birth was the first of its Hold on to your BEOGs! K-RIP WELCOMES RONALD REAGAN AND THE U. S. CONGRESS Just try to pay for school after they pass through town Coming soon to the Financial Aid Office! dailylmmorald The Oregon Daily Immorald is published annually by the Immorald Collective, a group of deranged journalism students who have forgotten everything they learned about libel laws Any similarity without satiric intent to a living individual is coincidental Besides, we can't afford lawsuits — unless you want a lien on our food stamps This year's Immorald was coordinated by Mike Lee, whose mother is worried sick about it Angry Young Brownie-pointers included Paul Telles and Mike Rust As Max Rijken would say, thanks a fucking lot Fat Heads Ken Sands Sally Hodgkinson Glenn Boettcher Jeff Baker Steve Dykes Sioux Anderson Looked the other way Born to be wild Secretly dislikes Jackson Browne Knows Salazar's girlfriend Wow Rarely here Mark Matassa Tamara Swenson Jody Murray Erzsi De'ak Fat Chances Richard Wagoner Marian Green Leslie Farris Jim Gersbach Bill Manny Josh Albright Fat Asses Darlene Gore Sally Oljar Jean Ownbey Sandra McMullen Bigshot downtown Hahahahaha Dawn's early light Alas kan Hung arian What does he do? Too damn nice to kid Short dimpled hick You're kidding Silly, but well-photographed Ken's Sancho Panza Ken put you here Ken put you here Ken put you here Ken better watch out kind. Unlike most unusual births, however, the mother was not taking fertility drugs. The couple first copulated in early February, they told the Immorald. During their feverish activity a beaker of plutonium was inadvertently spilled. “I guess this is what happens when you get a little ‘nukie,’ ” quipped the happy father. "Looks like we’ll be the first parents on the block with a nu clear family.” The mother was also in fine spirits despite having spent 11 days in labor. "I guess it was not 'too hot to trot,’ huh?" she asked with a grin. Meanwhile, in what he called a "completely unrelated in cident,” University nuclear phy sicist Adam Baum said an Im morald photographer has been discovered sterile. Although the photographer toured the laboratory moments after the spill, Baum blamed the infertility on large amounts of various drugs consumed by the photographer over a long per iod of time and not the radiation. However, Immorald photo grapher Bigg Dycks said in an exclusive interview that when he returned home that evening and attempted to engage in in tercourse his genitals gave off an “eerie green light." “Man, that ain’t never hap pened before neither,” he ex plained. "Believe me, never before. I’m not kidding. Swear to God, never, ever. Shit.” Impress Mom on Lizzie Borden Day... with a “Dismember-Me-Bouquet” jtj <m.jL Looks like it costs an arm and a leg! FLORISTS’ TRANS WORLD MUTILATION
