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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1981)
■ ■■Oregon ■ ■ daily immorald Vol 6, No. 1 Eugene, Oregon *97403 Wednesday, April 1, 1981 Horton wins University presidency Pat Horton ‘All right, you assholes, the party’s over' Promises to shoot Brooks By BILL FANNY Of the Immorald In a move that has shocked and out raged law-breaking, dope-smoking students everywhere, Lane County District Attorney Pat Horton has been named new University president. State Board of Hyping Education Kaiser Roy Lewdallen and Horton made the announcement in a hastily called joint press conference Tuesday night, in spite of different recommendations from the presidential search committee. "We appreciate the work the commit tee did,” Lewdallen said, "but they screwed up. We decided to go with our own man, instead. "Pat was the only candidate with ex tensive experience dealing with fraterni ty hazers, coaches, athletes and other criminals.” Horton said his first action would be to shoot football coach Rich Brooks. The new president also had harsh words for what he termed the Universi ty’s “radical" elements. “We’re going to wipe out marijuana use on this campus," promised Horton, who was recognizable in his white suit, white hat and sterling silver six-shooters. Horton’s remarks were cheered by the Reactionary Capitalist Youth Brigade (RCYB). Brigade leader Nancy White power said her group was encouraged by the board's action and planned to burn the hair of a dope-smoking black during Horton’s inaugural speech in the EMU Ballroom this afternoon. The search committee recommended three candidates to Lewdallen in early March. But the kaiser said the state board thought “they all sucked." In a surprise move, search committee chairer Snarls Dinkin, a urinalism professor emeritus, flipped Lewdallen the bird and told him to "piss off." Dinkin then condemned the board’s choice and vowed to break his connec tion with the urinalism school. “This is appalling," he stammered to a reporter. “After a year of work, selecting the finest applicants in the country, this has to happen. “Give me a fucking break!" Dinkin wouldn’t name the three can didates the committee had recommend ed, but he did say one was a former secretary of state who now teaches poli tical science at Harvard University, and another was a Georgia peanut farmer who once held a high position in the U S. government. The third choice was acting University Pres. Saul Scrotum. Scrotum, upon hearing the final selec tion, promptly threw up, not once but twice, on Lewdallen’s shoes. “This is most absurd thing I ever heard,” he said, wiping away the vomit from around his lips. “I thought sure I’d win. I had the shit beat out of the others.” Frat punished for violation By MIKE LEECH Of the Immorald Krappa Stigma fraternity members had their knuckles rapped with a ruler Tuesday for their role in the recent tragic hazing that left seven pledges dead and one incurably insane. Campus critics questioned the punishment, ordered by Dean of Idiots Bob Borderline, as being too light, but fraternity president Jeff Blodri disagreed. “Come on, now, we really feel bad about it,” Blodri said. “We promise not to do it again. Cross our hearts." The pledges — naive, unini tiated members — were driven out to Interstate 5 at rush hour and ordered to run blindfolded three-legged races across the highway. The ritual, according to Krap pa Stig members, is designed to foster togetherness, as well as to eliminate “weaker” pledges in a Darwinesque manner. After the first three pairs were run down by trucks, however, the race was called off But not soon enough for the seventh pledge, who was run down when he stopped to tie his shoelace. His body was man gled too grotesquely to untie him from his partner, who suf fered a nervous breakdown. The hazing deaths have provoked a flurry of criticism against the Greek system, but it took Greek leaders until Tues day evening to rationalize a defense. “It's not fair to blame the whole fraternity system for the actions of one house — at least we don’t get caught when we pull that shit,” said Interred Fraternity Council Pres. Fred Airhedd in a prepared state ment. Yet confidential IFC reports show that dangerous hazing is a common practice. Every year, the fraternities clean out the Millrace to dispose of the bodies of pledges who have drowned there after being thrown in. And just last fall, one house tried to sacrifice a virgin off the top of PLC. That plan was dropped, how ever — the only Greek virgin they could find was Dave Eaton Speed bumps installed in Fishbowl renovation Apparently angry at being forced to build wheelchair elevators in the new Fishbowl, the EMU administration has now installed speed bumps. ‘That’ll show those gimps who’s boss," said EMU Dictator Rays Hell. "You did say this was off the record, didn't you?” Hell quickly explained that the speed bumps are designed to keep wheelchair users from rolling too fast and causing an accident. Safety is also the reason behind the tire-puncture grates installed at each entrance. "That’s to keep those wheel jockeys going in the same direction,” he said "Otherwise there would be no room for normal people to walk.” Hell said he had not heard about the sand traps in the lobby, the oil slick on the skylight ramp or the raised elevator buttons, all of JWhich 0tap.rrty3te»riQ46ty'aPPeared over the break "Gosh,” he said "How did they get there?" Protesters from the Human Beings' Breath Day Coalition turn blue for social consciousness Activists vow to hold breath By Ml KRUST Of the Immorald Claiming that “the time has come for all real human beings to hold their breath,” a coalition of activists and students vowed today to hold their breath until Ronald Reagan is no longer president. Representatives from over sixty local activist groups calling themselves “The Human Be ings' Breath Day Committee," organized a march and rally which took place prior to the vigil. Press estimates placed the number of participants at one to two dozen “The thousands who have gathered here are only the beginning,” said HBBDC member Linda Screechy at a rally in the EMU Breezeway after the march. “The forces of fascist/imperialist captalism are retreating in the face of united action such as this." Screechy said that a study group would soon be formed on what proper punishment should be meted out to Reagan after the coalition drives him from office. It’s possible that academic credit will be offered for participa tion in the study, she said. Among the groups participating in the event, which have a combined membership of 20, are the Coalition Opposed to Life and Death (COLD), Radiation is Bad (RIB), Progressive Informed Sociology Students (PISS), Foo Foo's collective, Freaks Without Acronyms, the Arctic People’s Solidarity Committee and other unemployed people. Protection for the breath-holders was provided by the Nile Rubber Band Collective, a feminist rubber-band shooting organization. Speakers besides Screechy included a representative of Freaks Without Acronyms who described the feeling of unity that eman ated from the breath-holders' actions. “Well, fuck man, I mean, it's like really together, you know?” said the man who wouia identify himself only as Fred. Music was provided by Jolly Far, who sang compositions from her latest album, “How To Achieve Orgasm Without Recourse To The Male Member and Other Ballads of Contem porary Politics.” Reaction among student onlookers was mixed "I don’t know,” said one “I think that guy lying on the ground just asphyxiated.!)/(< r - /
