■ ■■Oregon ■ ■
daily immorald
Vol 6, No. 1
Eugene, Oregon *97403
Wednesday, April 1, 1981
Horton wins University presidency
Pat Horton
‘All right, you assholes, the party’s over'
Promises to shoot Brooks
By BILL FANNY
Of the Immorald
In a move that has shocked and out
raged law-breaking, dope-smoking
students everywhere, Lane County
District Attorney Pat Horton has been
named new University president.
State Board of Hyping Education
Kaiser Roy Lewdallen and Horton made
the announcement in a hastily called
joint press conference Tuesday night, in
spite of different recommendations from
the presidential search committee.
"We appreciate the work the commit
tee did,” Lewdallen said, "but they
screwed up. We decided to go with our
own man, instead.
"Pat was the only candidate with ex
tensive experience dealing with fraterni
ty hazers, coaches, athletes and other
criminals.”
Horton said his first action would be to
shoot football coach Rich Brooks.
The new president also had harsh
words for what he termed the Universi
ty’s “radical" elements. “We’re going to
wipe out marijuana use on this campus,"
promised Horton, who was recognizable
in his white suit, white hat and sterling
silver six-shooters.
Horton’s remarks were cheered by the
Reactionary Capitalist Youth Brigade
(RCYB). Brigade leader Nancy White
power said her group was encouraged
by the board's action and planned to
burn the hair of a dope-smoking black
during Horton’s inaugural speech in the
EMU Ballroom this afternoon.
The search committee recommended
three candidates to Lewdallen in early
March. But the kaiser said the state
board thought “they all sucked."
In a surprise move, search committee
chairer Snarls Dinkin, a urinalism
professor emeritus, flipped Lewdallen
the bird and told him to "piss off."
Dinkin then condemned the board’s
choice and vowed to break his connec
tion with the urinalism school.
“This is appalling," he stammered to a
reporter. “After a year of work, selecting
the finest applicants in the country, this
has to happen.
“Give me a fucking break!"
Dinkin wouldn’t name the three can
didates the committee had recommend
ed, but he did say one was a former
secretary of state who now teaches poli
tical science at Harvard University, and
another was a Georgia peanut farmer
who once held a high position in the U S.
government.
The third choice was acting University
Pres. Saul Scrotum.
Scrotum, upon hearing the final selec
tion, promptly threw up, not once but
twice, on Lewdallen’s shoes.
“This is most absurd thing I ever
heard,” he said, wiping away the vomit
from around his lips. “I thought sure I’d
win. I had the shit beat out of the others.”
Frat punished
for violation
By MIKE LEECH
Of the Immorald
Krappa Stigma fraternity
members had their knuckles
rapped with a ruler Tuesday for
their role in the recent tragic
hazing that left seven pledges
dead and one incurably insane.
Campus critics questioned
the punishment, ordered by
Dean of Idiots Bob Borderline,
as being too light, but fraternity
president Jeff Blodri disagreed.
“Come on, now, we really feel
bad about it,” Blodri said. “We
promise not to do it again. Cross
our hearts."
The pledges — naive, unini
tiated members — were driven
out to Interstate 5 at rush hour
and ordered to run blindfolded
three-legged races across the
highway.
The ritual, according to Krap
pa Stig members, is designed to
foster togetherness, as well as
to eliminate “weaker” pledges
in a Darwinesque manner.
After the first three pairs were
run down by trucks, however,
the race was called off But not
soon enough for the seventh
pledge, who was run down
when he stopped to tie his
shoelace. His body was man
gled too grotesquely to untie
him from his partner, who suf
fered a nervous breakdown.
The hazing deaths have
provoked a flurry of criticism
against the Greek system, but it
took Greek leaders until Tues
day evening to rationalize a
defense.
“It's not fair to blame the
whole fraternity system for the
actions of one house — at least
we don’t get caught when we
pull that shit,” said Interred
Fraternity Council Pres. Fred
Airhedd in a prepared state
ment.
Yet confidential IFC reports
show that dangerous hazing is a
common practice. Every year,
the fraternities clean out the
Millrace to dispose of the bodies
of pledges who have drowned
there after being thrown in. And
just last fall, one house tried to
sacrifice a virgin off the top of
PLC.
That plan was dropped, how
ever — the only Greek virgin
they could find was Dave Eaton
Speed bumps installed
in Fishbowl renovation
Apparently angry at being forced to build wheelchair elevators
in the new Fishbowl, the EMU administration has now installed
speed bumps.
‘That’ll show those gimps who’s boss," said EMU Dictator
Rays Hell. "You did say this was off the record, didn't you?”
Hell quickly explained that the speed bumps are designed to
keep wheelchair users from rolling too fast and causing an
accident. Safety is also the reason behind the tire-puncture grates
installed at each entrance.
"That’s to keep those wheel jockeys going in the same
direction,” he said "Otherwise there would be no room for normal
people to walk.”
Hell said he had not heard about the sand traps in the lobby,
the oil slick on the skylight ramp or the raised elevator buttons, all
of JWhich 0tap.rrty3te»riQ46ty'aPPeared over the break
"Gosh,” he said "How did they get there?"
Protesters from the Human Beings' Breath Day Coalition turn blue for social consciousness
Activists vow to hold breath
By Ml KRUST
Of the Immorald
Claiming that “the time has come for all real
human beings to hold their breath,” a coalition
of activists and students vowed today to hold
their breath until Ronald Reagan is no longer
president.
Representatives from over sixty local activist
groups calling themselves “The Human Be
ings' Breath Day Committee," organized a
march and rally which took place prior to the
vigil. Press estimates placed the number of
participants at one to two dozen
“The thousands who have gathered here are
only the beginning,” said HBBDC member
Linda Screechy at a rally in the EMU
Breezeway after the march. “The forces of
fascist/imperialist captalism are retreating in
the face of united action such as this."
Screechy said that a study group would soon
be formed on what proper punishment should
be meted out to Reagan after the coalition
drives him from office. It’s possible that
academic credit will be offered for participa
tion in the study, she said.
Among the groups participating in the event,
which have a combined membership of 20, are
the Coalition Opposed to Life and Death
(COLD), Radiation is Bad (RIB), Progressive
Informed Sociology Students (PISS), Foo
Foo's collective, Freaks Without Acronyms,
the Arctic People’s Solidarity Committee and
other unemployed people.
Protection for the breath-holders was
provided by the Nile Rubber Band Collective, a
feminist rubber-band shooting organization.
Speakers besides Screechy included a
representative of Freaks Without Acronyms
who described the feeling of unity that eman
ated from the breath-holders' actions.
“Well, fuck man, I mean, it's like really
together, you know?” said the man who wouia
identify himself only as Fred.
Music was provided by Jolly Far, who sang
compositions from her latest album, “How To
Achieve Orgasm Without Recourse To The
Male Member and Other Ballads of Contem
porary Politics.”
Reaction among student onlookers was
mixed
"I don’t know,” said one “I think that guy
lying on the ground just asphyxiated.!)/(< r - /