more shit
RA charged in fire
Police have charged the res
ident assistant of Spiller Dorm
itory with arson in connection
with the fire that gutted the
dorm’s entrance hall two weeks
ago.
Bent Doll, who has unsuc
cessfully tried to sell the dorm, is
accused with torching the
building to collect insurance.
"I was losing my shirt on the
deal,” Doll told reporters. “And
besides, that creep above me
never turns his stereo down.”
Doll will be arraigned Thurs
day
—faking the news—
From Asphyxiated Press reports
NEW YORK — Rats descended on New Jersey Tuesday,
gnawing the flesh off the bones of the Garden State’s
residents. Federal officials responded to the pleas of New
Jersey officials by laughing at them over the phone and
saying that New Jerseyites deserve whatever happens to
them.
WASHINGTON — The American Hurtage Foundation, a
prominent think-tank dedicated to "restoring America’s basic
values," today sent a 1,009-page summary of its recommen
dations to Pres. Reagan. Chief among the Foundation’s
recommendations is the proposal that masturbation be made
a federal crime punishable by public hanging. White House
and Congressional leaders promised to give "hard consider
ation" to the proposal.
CHICAGO — “Penthouse" publisher Bob Guccione
today announced that he was reaching out to Oregon to hire
the staff of the Lane County District Attorney's office as
"special consultants" in the porn king's film division. The
lawyers, who will attend special screenings of pornographic
films, were hired "because of their massive experience with
this sort of thing.”
WASHINGTON — The Food and Drug Administration, in
cooperation with the Justice Department, today released a
report saying that former Teamsters Union president Jimmy
Hoffa actually died of cancer after a lifetime of drinking
coffee. FDA and Justice Department spokesmen said that the
new medical evidence concerning the carcinogenic qualities
of coffee “make it obvious” that reports of foul play in the
disappearance of the controversial union leader were "totally
erroneous.”
MOSCOW — The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics
Tuesday declared war on the United States Pres. Reagan
promises retaliation for the Soviet invasion of Alaska, and
informed sources say a nuclear holocaust is imminent.
mixed peasparrows
W5 ONLV WISH IS TO PO
HI5 PVW, SERVE U)ITM
tiONOR ANP PERHAPS 0E
:aliep “stout fellow"
New comic strip debuts today
All right, you assholes, have it your way.
We tried to do a poor, struggling cartoonist a
favor last fall by printing his strip — but no, you
called it shit and sent us petitions and threatened
to inundate our offices with sparrow carcasses.
Never mind that "Peanuts” is published in
every other daily paper in the area, appears on
television more often than Star Trek, and is
emblazoned on every poster, t-shirt and coffee
mug from here to eternity.
So we tried again. Another poor, struggling
cartoonist, another avant-garde strip. This time,
not only did the Schulz fans scream at us for not
bringing back Charlie Brown and Co., but latent
"Sparrow” fans suddenly appeared, accusing us
of choosing an even worse strip.
And when we finally did bring back "Pean
uts,’’ did we get nice letters of thanks? No —
everyone bitched at us for burying it in the clas
sifieds.
Give us a fucking break!
We’re tired of fighting with you. So we’re
printing everything on page two, and if you don’t
like it, that’s your problem.
After all, what are you going to do — cancel
your subscription?
Photographer glows with rage
Spill prompts nuclear family
University of Oregon Health
Sciences Center officials have
hailed as miraculous today’s
birth of a 27-pound infant with
four eyes, three arms and com
plete sets of both male and
female genitals.
The parents, both University
physics graduate students, met
in January while serving as lab
assistants in the physics labor
atory that was later the site of an
unfortunate radioactive chem
ical spill.
The birth was the first of its
Hold on to your BEOGs!
K-RIP WELCOMES
RONALD REAGAN
AND THE U. S. CONGRESS
Just try to pay for
school after they
pass through town
Coming soon to the Financial Aid Office!
dailylmmorald
The Oregon Daily Immorald is published annually by the
Immorald Collective, a group of deranged journalism students
who have forgotten everything they learned about libel laws
Any similarity without satiric intent to a living individual is
coincidental Besides, we can't afford lawsuits — unless you
want a lien on our food stamps
This year's Immorald was coordinated by Mike Lee, whose
mother is worried sick about it Angry Young Brownie-pointers
included Paul Telles and Mike Rust As Max Rijken would say,
thanks a fucking lot
Fat Heads
Ken Sands
Sally Hodgkinson
Glenn Boettcher
Jeff Baker
Steve Dykes
Sioux Anderson
Looked the other way
Born to be wild
Secretly dislikes Jackson Browne
Knows Salazar's girlfriend Wow
Rarely here
Mark Matassa
Tamara Swenson
Jody Murray
Erzsi De'ak
Fat Chances
Richard Wagoner
Marian Green
Leslie Farris
Jim Gersbach
Bill Manny
Josh Albright
Fat Asses
Darlene Gore
Sally Oljar
Jean Ownbey
Sandra McMullen
Bigshot downtown
Hahahahaha
Dawn's early light
Alas kan Hung arian
What does he do?
Too damn nice to kid
Short dimpled hick
You're kidding
Silly, but well-photographed
Ken's Sancho Panza
Ken put you here
Ken put you here
Ken put you here
Ken better watch out
kind. Unlike most unusual
births, however, the mother was
not taking fertility drugs.
The couple first copulated in
early February, they told the
Immorald. During their feverish
activity a beaker of plutonium
was inadvertently spilled.
“I guess this is what happens
when you get a little ‘nukie,’ ”
quipped the happy father.
"Looks like we’ll be the first
parents on the block with a nu
clear family.”
The mother was also in fine
spirits despite having spent 11
days in labor. "I guess it was not
'too hot to trot,’ huh?" she
asked with a grin.
Meanwhile, in what he called
a "completely unrelated in
cident,” University nuclear phy
sicist Adam Baum said an Im
morald photographer has been
discovered sterile.
Although the photographer
toured the laboratory moments
after the spill, Baum blamed the
infertility on large amounts of
various drugs consumed by the
photographer over a long per
iod of time and not the radiation.
However, Immorald photo
grapher Bigg Dycks said in an
exclusive interview that when
he returned home that evening
and attempted to engage in in
tercourse his genitals gave off
an “eerie green light."
“Man, that ain’t never hap
pened before neither,” he ex
plained. "Believe me, never
before. I’m not kidding. Swear
to God, never, ever. Shit.”
Impress Mom on
Lizzie Borden Day...
with a
“Dismember-Me-Bouquet”
jtj
<m.jL
Looks like it costs an arm and a leg!
FLORISTS’
TRANS WORLD
MUTILATION