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About The Daily Astorian. (Astoria, Or.) 1876-1883 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 18, 1877)
Wit and Humor.
Books most influenced by hard times
The money and hair of a fool are soon
parted in trje middle.
Good little bootblacks are shining ex
amples of what boys can do.
To train up a boy in the way he bhould
go it is necessary to switch him off oc
casionally. Pat says: "And sure, nearly iviry
frind I hev lift in the woruld hez bin
did long since."
n Arkansas neckties are cheap. The
crowd puts it around your neck, slings it
over a tree, and it doesn't cost you any
thing. The young collegian who wrote home
for a new coat and got one a mile too big,
suggests that that was not a "fitting"
Did you ever notice a man's face under
the influence of a first bite of rhubarb
pie which the cook had forgot to
What is the difference between a de
linquent printer and a mad landlord?
One tramps the track and the other tracks
A story is told of a lady of fashion
who said she should like to go to Rome
to have her portrait painted by one of
the old masters.
An exchange tells about a boy climb
ing a tomato vine to get away from a
mad dog. Tomato vines attain an enor
mous size in California, so do lies.
A young man,who ought to be ashamed
of himself, in commenting on a fireman's
parade, said that a wet day was always
favorable for an exhibition of hose.
A gentleman who had been victimized
by a notorious borrower, who always for
got to pay, called him one of the most
promising men of his acquaintance.
"My luck," exclaimed a Bohemian,
"is to atrociously bad that I believe if" 1
were to invest in some soap, washing
would go out of fashion to-morrow."
The most puzzling thing about an cd
itorial shears is the antipathy usually ex
isting between that useful article and the
italics found at the bottom of the para
graph. Mrs. Spilkins, reading that General
Crook had iust caotured a hundred
lodges, devoutly expressed the wish that
her husband's lodge might be among the
Andrew Jackson was accused of bad
spelling, but John Randolph defended
him by saying that "a man was a fool
who could not spell a word more ways
"The train has caught up with those
cattle again," sleepily remarked a pas
senger on an Ohio railroad, as he was
awakened by the whistle of the engine
the other night. ,
A Connecticut preacher says that a
good congregation will praise the music,
the choir, the ventilation, and the civili
ties of the usher; but as to the sermon
"Well, I dunno."
Man "Do you think it would be safe
for me to cross this pasture?" Maid
"Well, the old bull don't like red very
much, but if you will chalk your nose, I
guess he won't attack you."
"You ain't afraid to die?" said the
clergyman, tenderly. "No," replied the
sufferer; "I'm only afraid if I do that the
old woman will go shooting among my
private papers the first thing."
Harry Turn recently married his
cousin, of the same name. When inter
rogated as to why he did so, he replied
that it had always been a maxim of his
that "one good Turn deserves another."
A certain young and amiable prince,
pursuing in great haste a beautiful lady
at Court. "Your Highness is running
very fast," observed the lady. "I am
only following my inclination," he
"Why did you name that old horse Na
poleon?" asked a gentleman of a Negro,
whose horse was almost reduced to a
skeleton. "Why, Marse, you see it's caze
the bony part is so strong in him," was
A gentlemak observed one day to
Henry Erskine, the Scottish advocate,
who was an inveterate punster, that pun
ning was the lowest sort of wit. "It is
so," answered he "and therefore the
foundation of wit."
A gentleman named Allen Hannah
married Miss Hannah Allen: now Miss
Hannah Allen is Mrs. Hannah Hannah,
probably the only lady in the world
whose whole name can bo spelled back
ward the same as forward.
Areverend sportsman was once boast
ing of his infallibility in finding a hare
"If I were a hare," said a Quaker who
was present, "I would take my seat in a
place where I should be sure of not being
disturbed by thee from the first of Janu
ary to the last day of December." "Why,
where would you go?" "Into thy study."
She put her arms about his neck and
"Darling, mother is coming to spend
the summer with us."
;He met her blue eyes with a look of
"Coming, eh?" he gasped.
"I wish I was Peter."
"Because the Scripture says that
Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever."
The last seen of him he was buying a
lot of arnica plaster, and wondering if
Holloway's Ointment was good for
Magic fountain pens indelible-fop.
marking Linen. Writes with water no ink re
quired. Every Pen guaranteed. Samples by mail,
post-paid, 10c; 3 for 25c Agents wanted in every
county. Djlvid J. Kixa, 115 7tn street, San Francisco.
THE DANCE OF LIFE.
rpHE INJUNCTION ON THE SALE OF THIS FA
JL mouB little book has been so far modified by the
Court as to allow the Publishers to sell the remainder
of copies on hand. For sale by newsdealers and
booksel ers, and sent postage prepaid upon the receipt
of the price, 1.00. by the SAN FRANCISCO NEWS
COMPANY and A. ROMAN &. CO.. San Francisco.
INFORMATION TO COUNTRY RESIDENTS
The St. George Hotel
812 Kearny Street, San Francisco.
TEW FOUR-STORY BRICK,
beautiful light sunny rooms, newly furnished, to
, bv the Dav. Week or Month, in suite or sinele. at
one-half the usual rates, enabling one to live in the
city In fine style for the small 6um of One Dollar per
824 and 826 Kearny St., San Francisco.
81 50 and 82 OO PER DAY.
H. C. PATRLDGE. .... Pbopbiktob.
Two Concord CoacheN. with tho name of the
Hotel on, will always be In waiting at the landing to
convey passengers to the Hotel free. C3F Be sure you
get Into the right Coach; If you do nnt. they will
113 SanBome Street, San Francisco,
Importers and Dealers In every descrip
Breecli and Muzle-Ioading;
RIFLES, SHOT-GUNS AND PISTOLS
tf And the public generally should send for the
v LnrceMt, most Kxtenwive and Com-
H iIete Illustrated Catalogue, with
L- irreateMt variety or AVATCHKS,
Z JKWKLRY. NIJLVJKIt JPL,ATKI
WARK, ever published. Buy direct or
manufacturers and sure monev. Send three
cents for our new catalogue, fc.2.00 cheap
est watch In the world tent free to agents.
0. G. BRYANT, 102 Wash. St.,Chicago.
83 per gallon.
T. W. JACKSON, San Fran
cisco, Sole Agent for the Pa
0. & P. H. TIRRELL & CO.,
IHPOBTXBS JLXD MAJrOTAGTUEEBS OF
BOOTS AND SHOES,
JfO. -41 CLAY STItKET,
Between SanBome and Battery, SAN FKANCISCO
Manufacturers of Men's. Boys', Youth', and Chil
dren's FINK CALF BOOTS.
Orders solicited, and promptly filled. All sizes and
qualities made at the lowest market prices.
Please examine the coods and prices.
JOHN KELLY, Jb., FOR 26 YEARS PROPRIETOR
of the Brooklyn Hotel, b. F Is now connected
only with the COMMERCIAL HOTEL, on Montgom
ery ave. and Kearny 6t., S. F. The Commercial is a
first-class and commanding new 4-story hotel, with
elevator, etc., and offers superior facilities at low
rates. Free coach and carriages from all points. A
call from former patrons respectfully invited.
IS sow in its third successful year, and
has tho largest circulation of any paper
in tho Pacifio North-West. Tho engraving
are executed by leading artists. Amonpst
our contributors wo number some of tho
ablest writers on the Pacific coast. Wo fur-
nlsh.223 lares pages of interesting reading,
and over 150 engravings of Pacific coast
scenery, in every volume. Our January and
July editions are marvels of elegance, and
aro furnished, without extra charge, to all
yearly snnsonners. A special department
Is devoted to the resources of the Pacific
North-West, which will be found especially
valuable by Intending immigrants. Send 20
eta. for a?ucimon copy, or SLBOfora year's
subscription. Address L. Samtjel,
Pub. West Shore, Portland Os.
"PACIFIC ELASTIC TRUSS."
QO-TWO DOLLARS WILL BUY
Oiw this new invention, which Is
GUARANTEED SUPERIOR to any
Tru'R Fold by the so-called Callfor- J
nlu ElHktic Truss Co., or moxey re
funded. Pacific Elastic Tecss l
DR. L J. CZAPKAY'S
209 KEABNYST., San Francisco.
ESTABLISHED IX 1851.
POR THE PERMANENT CURE OF ALL SPECIAL
andCnronic Diseases, as also all Female Com
plaints and Diseases of the Nervous System.
The immense destruction of human life annuallv.
from Chronic and DIOicult Diseases, caused this old
and reliable Institute to be established first in Phila
delphia, Penn., in 1S30, and afterwards In Sun Fmn
cisco, Cal., in 1S54, as a private Dispensary, in order to
afford the afflicted the best Medical and Surgical
treatment, for the above and all other affections and
complaints. Permanent and quick cures at reasona
Consultations at the Institute or by letter free.
Meriic'ncs 6int by express. Address, L. J. Czatkat,
M. D.. 20l Kearny 6trpet San Francisco.
A. W. S ANBOBN, Agent, 33 Beale St., S. P.
piIE Mitchell Farm, Freight and Spring Wasrou
L are well known as the beat in the market and will
withstand the climate or the Pacific Coast better
than any other. Mr. Sanborn also keeps at the same,
place, imported from his own manufactory at Mun
jhtster, N. H., a good assortment of his celebrated
Of all sizes. DjAIso, Bnsaflort, Phaeton and
liisrlit Carriage of all kindf.
FOR SALE !
FAKM.1X MILES FROM THE CITY OF NAPA.
(!nl. fou.ains 193 acres 100 acres rich bottom
land, the remainder vineyard land; -10 acres of bear
ing vinos? r. :ior k In fruit: 2 cews: 7 head of herses:
carriage, harnesses, farming toels: fine house of in
rooms, furnished: extenMxe outbuilding, etc., etc.
The above will be offered very low. and on reasonable
terms for SO days. For further information, apply to
.1. VAN DUSKN, 8 Kearny street. San Francisco.
Tlie Outlay of
may secure a life
sent free, address
J. Cummerford & Co., Louisville, Kentucky.
W ANTED !
FOR PARTICULARS, ADDRESS
WILSON SEWING MACHINE CO
H'Z'J Broadway. Sew York City;
Chicago, 111.; acw Orleans. La.;
or .San Ftanriwco. Cnl.
ALL Styles and Colors for Private Houses,
Banks and Offices Made to Order, of the
Oil Painted Opaque Goods, or any Material
Desired. Agency for SPBING FIXTURES.
Orders from the interior promptly filled.
Importer, 'Wholesale and Retail Dealer in PAPER
HANGINGS. WINDOW SHADES, and all
kinds of bHADE MATERIAL,
615 MARKET ST.,
Two doors west of Pal
ace Hotel. S. F.
Sacramento street, 65 VVJ Biw Em 1 w Jt
r2 -raxxsac TheFriendsofthfs 2
IS ,tf0mfflSDfffUNRlYAlLlDCORSET S"
IFPraftjfflSl MILLIONS. . fc
COM PETlTta o II M WWZv n
world-s UKS m WWs,
Kfi W fiSw" ls ffi ""TO fSrorae jH to iWlWm IliyllxCSV THOMSON'S g
WmWFHnrmWKCISS S- Vkflkl 111 R MflfCwUNB8EAKABlESTEEls- S
Say5rk & ICag tJfcJH t? i flrtuln lluvwx The best goods mada.
SISSeS "SlSSsisS W Ji Wm 41 m See that th name of 55,
cvummnMioTC 3M MMT THOMSON and the x
EXHIBITION. 1876. t J ft5JTradeMarKaCROWN.are M.
1 i 7Z aijstamped on every Corset &Steel.f5
PIANOS . tfiL
11 II 0fti1iiH8?iiJ.S3ll3ii
Ladles Elegant Imi
tation Eo6e Coral
Set, Brexsraia arul
Eardops, aent post-,
paid to any tfeadcr;
of this ppert9t25
cents. Three uts tor.
CO cents. Imitation!
match 35 cento peri
tet, or three sets for
SO cenU. Eteputt
Stamps. Extra to
BRIDE & CO.,.
Clinton Place, ,
to an IH2HIA33.
AboPSKSIONS PS0CU3SD fcr all WOTDED, 2UPTKED. DT
JU2ED cr DISEASED 30LEIZ2S. Aha NSW BOUNTY LA7TQ.
No Fes tsle:i 5Mea::f3l. Addre:3'witi sup COL. N. V
I FITOQE2ALD, V. S. CLAIH ATTT., Waihtc, D. C.
USED IN THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS
OF BOSTON AND RRONOUNCED
HENRY F. MILLER,
SEND FOR CATALOGUE.
REMEDY FOR CONSTIPATION I
and a score of Ills arl6lnc from Irregular action of i
inc liver. iiifBC juiicia rc mi;uuiil iu 111c i;umi:
and Bliould be used In all aues of UyKiirpsiii.
CoiiKtlpiitlon, Ilendaclie. DixzinesH, JLohk
of Appetite, JIumorH of tliu .Blood and
jAsk your Druggist for them and take nothing
else. A. VAX ALSTIXK fc CO.
Proprietors and Manufacturers, SJi Brenham Place,
above the Plaza. San Francisco.
To WOODWORTH, SCHELL & CO.
Mxsoxic Temple, - - No. 12 Posr Stksrt.
EST Sold on Eisy Installments. grj
Tliree-qnarterH lens friction than un
BEATS THErI ALL!
Is fast becoiniut
known jw the
BEST IN THE WOELD1
SEE IT I TRY IT ! BUT IT !
"Warranted to Give Entire Satisfaction
compact. l'ortullP. 5nrallt,
Cli4ap and flieiont.
Pi!U'tli:nt: new. The b"Pt thlnj; ypt. ISc
sure o se it before purchasing an iron pre.-&.
H0PKIHS, TAYL0E & CO.,
41! S'liiiome St.. San Francisco.
S2F'"ir t-CIass Agents Wanted.
This cut represents tho celebrated $10.00 SWISS
STEM BINDING JTJLTCIT. It Is one-third larger
than the engraving, and is noted for the PERFECT
Mechanism, of its Worlzs, and its RELIABILITY
as a TIME-KEEPER, being used on the principal
railroadB yrbere acenrate time is a necessity. It is open
face and back, the beautiful nickol works being seen
through a heavy glass, specially manufactured, and
being stem -winder it is next to impossible to get out
of ordor. They will last for years and are the cheapest
watch ever offered. Sent tree by registered mail to Insure
safe delivery, for $lt).00. Watch and Jewelry Circular
free. Postage Stamps taken as cash. Address,
F. STOCKMAN, 27 Bona Si, New York.
American Sewing Machine Co.
G. R. WOOD, Manager,
124 FIFTH STREET, - - - SAN FRANCISCL
BTGood AgentH Wanted lu all tiho-.
THE WONDERFUL LEFEVRE BRILLIANTS!
Pretax try Littsn Pint The most perfect fac-slmlle of the Real Dla
mrai D' w;rs 8a mond In the WORLD. These beautiful stonas, so
popular In the courts or Europe, where they are
daily worn in close comparison with the most valu
able and recherche, diamonds, are now first Intro
duced Into the United States by us. The body of
the stone is of the clearest crystal,
COATED WITH PURE CARBON,
the substance of which the ri-nl diamond is com
posed, and for Wear, Brilliancy, and Beauty,
they are as desirable as the veritable gkiis
The setting of these Earrings Is of the finest
rolled gold-plate, with Solid Gold Earloops, and
the exact size of the engravings in this announce
ment being the latest styles of diamond setting.
TV I rt t irts1 r sn tran Knontlful rvAma tnrrar fiat vrri r
our New Illustrated Catalogue (In book form),
containing over 500 full size engravings of the latest
styles of Jewelry and Watches (of our own manu
facture), with valuable information
SOW TO J3ECOIVIES AGENTS,
wo will SEND FREE, by mail, postpaid, a pair or
the Wonderful ILefevre Brilliants of any of the four
styles represented, to every reader of this paper on
receipt or fifty cents.
Mention In your letter the style wanted. Address:
STAR OF INIIA STYLE.
AMERICAN JEWELRY COMPANY, No. 5 Arcade, CINCINNATI OHIO,
LOS ANGELES "EgS' WSm-fflvc. rSlWW WSSTMtSSfe
SAN BERNARDINO llllP if ' yP'"- iSer l7 V .
I rES-CAL? , . T . Pk Wmf 1 MmjSm ' ,A"r 1
THE ABOVE IAP SHOWS THE "ABEJL STJBAKNS KMCHOS,"
THE CENTER OF LOS ANGELES VALLEY. COO Farms already sold and Improved. Within the Artesian "Well-Belt, and having water near the surface. For site in Sections or Fractions, by
ALFRED ROBINSON, Trustee, 542 Market btrcct, corner Montgomery, San Francisco, or apply to WM. R. OLDEN, Anaheim, CaL, or", concerning the Colony, to Rev, ROBERT STRONG, West
minster, Cal. Teems: l-5thCash Balance 1,2 and S Years; InterestatlOper cent, payable at end of each year. The larger square represent Jfowshlps six miles square, containing 36 sections.
The smaller squares within the "Stearns Ranchos" represent 1C0 acres. Roads-are proposed to be laid out on every section line, forming blocks of one mile square, with roada on all aides, audun.
many quarter section lines. Send for circulars.