cv 0 n-muMi-iijw-' mew Wit and Humor. Books most influenced by hard times are pocket-books. The money and hair of a fool are soon parted in trje middle. Good little bootblacks are shining ex amples of what boys can do. To train up a boy in the way he bhould go it is necessary to switch him off oc casionally. Pat says: "And sure, nearly iviry frind I hev lift in the woruld hez bin did long since." n Arkansas neckties are cheap. The crowd puts it around your neck, slings it over a tree, and it doesn't cost you any thing. The young collegian who wrote home for a new coat and got one a mile too big, suggests that that was not a "fitting" reply. Did you ever notice a man's face under the influence of a first bite of rhubarb pie which the cook had forgot to sweeten? What is the difference between a de linquent printer and a mad landlord? One tramps the track and the other tracks the tramp. A story is told of a lady of fashion who said she should like to go to Rome to have her portrait painted by one of the old masters. An exchange tells about a boy climb ing a tomato vine to get away from a mad dog. Tomato vines attain an enor mous size in California, so do lies. A young man,who ought to be ashamed of himself, in commenting on a fireman's parade, said that a wet day was always favorable for an exhibition of hose. A gentleman who had been victimized by a notorious borrower, who always for got to pay, called him one of the most promising men of his acquaintance. "My luck," exclaimed a Bohemian, "is to atrociously bad that I believe if" 1 were to invest in some soap, washing would go out of fashion to-morrow." The most puzzling thing about an cd itorial shears is the antipathy usually ex isting between that useful article and the italics found at the bottom of the para graph. Mrs. Spilkins, reading that General Crook had iust caotured a hundred lodges, devoutly expressed the wish that her husband's lodge might be among the number. Andrew Jackson was accused of bad spelling, but John Randolph defended him by saying that "a man was a fool who could not spell a word more ways than one." "The train has caught up with those cattle again," sleepily remarked a pas senger on an Ohio railroad, as he was awakened by the whistle of the engine the other night. , A Connecticut preacher says that a good congregation will praise the music, the choir, the ventilation, and the civili ties of the usher; but as to the sermon "Well, I dunno." Man "Do you think it would be safe for me to cross this pasture?" Maid "Well, the old bull don't like red very much, but if you will chalk your nose, I guess he won't attack you." "You ain't afraid to die?" said the clergyman, tenderly. "No," replied the sufferer; "I'm only afraid if I do that the old woman will go shooting among my private papers the first thing." Harry Turn recently married his cousin, of the same name. When inter rogated as to why he did so, he replied that it had always been a maxim of his that "one good Turn deserves another." A certain young and amiable prince, pursuing in great haste a beautiful lady at Court. "Your Highness is running very fast," observed the lady. "I am only following my inclination," he replied. "Why did you name that old horse Na poleon?" asked a gentleman of a Negro, whose horse was almost reduced to a skeleton. "Why, Marse, you see it's caze the bony part is so strong in him," was the reply. A gentlemak observed one day to Henry Erskine, the Scottish advocate, who was an inveterate punster, that pun ning was the lowest sort of wit. "It is so," answered he "and therefore the foundation of wit." A gentleman named Allen Hannah married Miss Hannah Allen: now Miss Hannah Allen is Mrs. Hannah Hannah, probably the only lady in the world whose whole name can bo spelled back ward the same as forward. Areverend sportsman was once boast ing of his infallibility in finding a hare "If I were a hare," said a Quaker who was present, "I would take my seat in a place where I should be sure of not being disturbed by thee from the first of Janu ary to the last day of December." "Why, where would you go?" "Into thy study." She put her arms about his neck and said: "Darling, mother is coming to spend the summer with us." ;He met her blue eyes with a look of despair. "Coming, eh?" he gasped. "Yes, hubby." "I wish I was Peter." "Why?" "Because the Scripture says that Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever." The last seen of him he was buying a lot of arnica plaster, and wondering if Holloway's Ointment was good for bruises. Magic fountain pens indelible-fop. marking Linen. Writes with water no ink re quired. Every Pen guaranteed. Samples by mail, post-paid, 10c; 3 for 25c Agents wanted in every county. Djlvid J. Kixa, 115 7tn street, San Francisco. ii THE DANCE OF LIFE. i rpHE INJUNCTION ON THE SALE OF THIS FA JL mouB little book has been so far modified by the Court as to allow the Publishers to sell the remainder of copies on hand. For sale by newsdealers and booksel ers, and sent postage prepaid upon the receipt of the price, 1.00. by the SAN FRANCISCO NEWS COMPANY and A. ROMAN &. CO.. San Francisco. INFORMATION TO COUNTRY RESIDENTS The St. George Hotel 812 Kearny Street, San Francisco. TEW FOUR-STORY BRICK, beautiful light sunny rooms, newly furnished, to , bv the Dav. Week or Month, in suite or sinele. at one-half the usual rates, enabling one to live in the city day. city In fine style for the small 6um of One Dollar per TUX it. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL, 824 and 826 Kearny St., San Francisco. 81 50 and 82 OO PER DAY. H. C. PATRLDGE. .... Pbopbiktob. Two Concord CoacheN. with tho name of the Hotel on, will always be In waiting at the landing to convey passengers to the Hotel free. C3F Be sure you get Into the right Coach; If you do nnt. they will charge you. N.CURRY &BRO. 113 SanBome Street, San Francisco, Importers and Dealers In every descrip tion of Breecli and Muzle-Ioading; RIFLES, SHOT-GUNS AND PISTOLS tf And the public generally should send for the v LnrceMt, most Kxtenwive and Com- H iIete Illustrated Catalogue, with L- irreateMt variety or AVATCHKS, Z JKWKLRY. NIJLVJKIt JPL,ATKI WARK, ever published. Buy direct or manufacturers and sure monev. Send three cents for our new catalogue, fc.2.00 cheap est watch In the world tent free to agents. Ml o 0. G. BRYANT, 102 Wash. St.,Chicago. .BLMfy- L CALVERT'S SHEEP WASH 83 per gallon. T. W. JACKSON, San Fran cisco, Sole Agent for the Pa cific Coast. 0. & P. H. TIRRELL & CO., IHPOBTXBS JLXD MAJrOTAGTUEEBS OF BOOTS AND SHOES, JfO. -41 CLAY STItKET, Between SanBome and Battery, SAN FKANCISCO Manufacturers of Men's. Boys', Youth', and Chil dren's FINK CALF BOOTS. Orders solicited, and promptly filled. All sizes and qualities made at the lowest market prices. Please examine the coods and prices. COMMERCIAL HOTEL SAN FRANCISCO. JOHN KELLY, Jb., FOR 26 YEARS PROPRIETOR of the Brooklyn Hotel, b. F Is now connected only with the COMMERCIAL HOTEL, on Montgom ery ave. and Kearny 6t., S. F. The Commercial is a first-class and commanding new 4-story hotel, with elevator, etc., and offers superior facilities at low rates. Free coach and carriages from all points. A call from former patrons respectfully invited. IS sow in its third successful year, and has tho largest circulation of any paper in tho Pacifio North-West. Tho engraving are executed by leading artists. Amonpst our contributors wo number some of tho ablest writers on the Pacific coast. Wo fur- nlsh.223 lares pages of interesting reading, and over 150 engravings of Pacific coast scenery, in every volume. Our January and July editions are marvels of elegance, and aro furnished, without extra charge, to all yearly snnsonners. A special department Is devoted to the resources of the Pacific North-West, which will be found especially valuable by Intending immigrants. Send 20 eta. for a?ucimon copy, or SLBOfora year's subscription. Address L. Samtjel, Pub. West Shore, Portland Os. "PACIFIC ELASTIC TRUSS." QO-TWO DOLLARS WILL BUY Oiw this new invention, which Is GUARANTEED SUPERIOR to any Tru'R Fold by the so-called Callfor- J nlu ElHktic Truss Co., or moxey re funded. Pacific Elastic Tecss l COJJPAXT, fi27 San Francisco. DR. L J. CZAPKAY'S Medical Institute. 209 KEABNYST., San Francisco. ESTABLISHED IX 1851. POR THE PERMANENT CURE OF ALL SPECIAL andCnronic Diseases, as also all Female Com plaints and Diseases of the Nervous System. The immense destruction of human life annuallv. from Chronic and DIOicult Diseases, caused this old and reliable Institute to be established first in Phila delphia, Penn., in 1S30, and afterwards In Sun Fmn cisco, Cal., in 1S54, as a private Dispensary, in order to afford the afflicted the best Medical and Surgical treatment, for the above and all other affections and complaints. Permanent and quick cures at reasona ble charges. Consultations at the Institute or by letter free. Meriic'ncs 6int by express. Address, L. J. Czatkat, M. D.. 20l Kearny 6trpet San Francisco. MITCHELL WAGONS. A. W. S ANBOBN, Agent, 33 Beale St., S. P. fT I I piIE Mitchell Farm, Freight and Spring Wasrou L are well known as the beat in the market and will withstand the climate or the Pacific Coast better than any other. Mr. Sanborn also keeps at the same, place, imported from his own manufactory at Mun jhtster, N. H., a good assortment of his celebrated THOROISGHBRAGE, EXPRESS AXD Of all sizes. DjAIso, Bnsaflort, Phaeton and liisrlit Carriage of all kindf. A FOR SALE ! FAKM.1X MILES FROM THE CITY OF NAPA. (!nl. fou.ains 193 acres 100 acres rich bottom land, the remainder vineyard land; -10 acres of bear ing vinos? r. :ior k In fruit: 2 cews: 7 head of herses: carriage, harnesses, farming toels: fine house of in rooms, furnished: extenMxe outbuilding, etc., etc. The above will be offered very low. and on reasonable terms for SO days. For further information, apply to .1. VAN DUSKN, 8 Kearny street. San Francisco. Tlie Outlay of S2.50 may secure a life Ion,; competency, full particulars sent free, address 8S9'Pob J. Cummerford & Co., Louisville, Kentucky. AGENTS W ANTED ! FOR PARTICULARS, ADDRESS WILSON SEWING MACHINE CO H'Z'J Broadway. Sew York City; Chicago, 111.; acw Orleans. La.; or .San Ftanriwco. Cnl. OfAtf- AHEAD iitfililHlfeHa WINDOW SHADE MANUFACTORY. ALL Styles and Colors for Private Houses, Banks and Offices Made to Order, of the Oil Painted Opaque Goods, or any Material Desired. Agency for SPBING FIXTURES. Orders from the interior promptly filled. G. W.CLAEK, Importer, 'Wholesale and Retail Dealer in PAPER HANGINGS. WINDOW SHADES, and all kinds of bHADE MATERIAL, 615 MARKET ST., Two doors west of Pal ace Hotel. S. F. DR. G-TJNN'S Aromatic Elixir BITTERS 1 GLOVE-FITTING Sacramento street, 65 VVJ Biw Em 1 w Jt r2 -raxxsac TheFriendsofthfs 2 IS ,tf0mfflSDfffUNRlYAlLlDCORSET S" IFPraftjfflSl MILLIONS. . fc COM PETlTta o II M WWZv n world-s UKS m WWs, Kfi W fiSw" ls ffi ""TO fSrorae jH to iWlWm IliyllxCSV THOMSON'S g WmWFHnrmWKCISS S- Vkflkl 111 R MflfCwUNB8EAKABlESTEEls- S Say5rk & ICag tJfcJH t? i flrtuln lluvwx The best goods mada. SISSeS "SlSSsisS W Ji Wm 41 m See that th name of 55, cvummnMioTC 3M MMT THOMSON and the x EXHIBITION. 1876. t J ft5JTradeMarKaCROWN.are M. 1 i 7Z aijstamped on every Corset &Steel.f5 PIANOS . tfiL 1876. 5S SBBnaanBBHW -grHW?rECtVJr 11 II 0fti1iiH8?iiJ.S3ll3ii T PENSIONS Ladles Elegant Imi tation Eo6e Coral Set, Brexsraia arul Eardops, aent post-, paid to any tfeadcr; of this ppert9t25 cents. Three uts tor. CO cents. Imitation! COBAIi BLEEV2. BTJTTOlTB t, match 35 cento peri tet, or three sets for SO cenU. Eteputt Necklaces -with. Charma, fl.e&cb,! Currency orPostajr' Stamps. Extra to dncoments toAgenta BRIDE & CO.,. Clinton Place, , New York. XNCEEASSD. lleirljcferrpaa- to an IH2HIA33. AboPSKSIONS PS0CU3SD fcr all WOTDED, 2UPTKED. DT JU2ED cr DISEASED 30LEIZ2S. Aha NSW BOUNTY LA7TQ. No Fes tsle:i 5Mea::f3l. Addre:3'witi sup COL. N. V I FITOQE2ALD, V. S. CLAIH ATTT., Waihtc, D. C. AWARDED. PHILADELPHIA. USED IN THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS OF BOSTON AND RRONOUNCED niiipwi HENRY F. MILLER, BOSTON, SEND FOR CATALOGUE. THE GREAT REMEDY FOR CONSTIPATION I and a score of Ills arl6lnc from Irregular action of i inc liver. iiifBC juiicia rc mi;uuiil iu 111c i;umi: and Bliould be used In all aues of UyKiirpsiii. CoiiKtlpiitlon, Ilendaclie. DixzinesH, JLohk of Appetite, JIumorH of tliu .Blood and J?ileH. jAsk your Druggist for them and take nothing else. A. VAX ALSTIXK fc CO. Proprietors and Manufacturers, SJi Brenham Place, above the Plaza. San Francisco. To WOODWORTH, SCHELL & CO. S0X0 A.sonts, Mxsoxic Temple, - - No. 12 Posr Stksrt. SAN FRANCISCO. EST Sold on Eisy Installments. grj 35TEV7"" MERSCA Serving Macliine. Tliree-qnarterH lens friction than un other JIacltinc. BEATS THErI ALL! eIf-Thran. lug: Sliutr) Noir-TIiread- L.tllt4t Jt'jmilsis: StllU'Hl JCturmlnu HlinploMi ! Thls Maclnti. Is fast becoiniut known jw the BEST IN THE WOELD1 SEE IT I TRY IT ! BUT IT ! "Warranted to Give Entire Satisfaction POWLETT'S ATMOSPIIEItIC COPYING PRESS compact. l'ortullP. 5nrallt, Cli4ap and flieiont. Pi!U'tli:nt: new. The b"Pt thlnj; ypt. ISc sure o se it before purchasing an iron pre.-&. H0PKIHS, TAYL0E & CO., 41! S'liiiome St.. San Francisco. S2F'"ir t-CIass Agents Wanted. IT This cut represents tho celebrated $10.00 SWISS STEM BINDING JTJLTCIT. It Is one-third larger than the engraving, and is noted for the PERFECT Mechanism, of its Worlzs, and its RELIABILITY as a TIME-KEEPER, being used on the principal railroadB yrbere acenrate time is a necessity. It is open face and back, the beautiful nickol works being seen through a heavy glass, specially manufactured, and being stem -winder it is next to impossible to get out of ordor. They will last for years and are the cheapest watch ever offered. Sent tree by registered mail to Insure safe delivery, for $lt).00. Watch and Jewelry Circular free. Postage Stamps taken as cash. Address, F. STOCKMAN, 27 Bona Si, New York. American Sewing Machine Co. G. R. WOOD, Manager, 124 FIFTH STREET, - - - SAN FRANCISCL BTGood AgentH Wanted lu all tiho-. cnpled Territory. THE WONDERFUL LEFEVRE BRILLIANTS! Pretax try Littsn Pint The most perfect fac-slmlle of the Real Dla mrai D' w;rs 8a mond In the WORLD. These beautiful stonas, so popular In the courts or Europe, where they are daily worn in close comparison with the most valu able and recherche, diamonds, are now first Intro duced Into the United States by us. The body of the stone is of the clearest crystal, COATED WITH PURE CARBON, the substance of which the ri-nl diamond is com posed, and for Wear, Brilliancy, and Beauty, they are as desirable as the veritable gkiis THEMSEI.VE8. VICTORIA STYLE. The setting of these Earrings Is of the finest rolled gold-plate, with Solid Gold Earloops, and the exact size of the engravings in this announce ment being the latest styles of diamond setting. CIECIAM STYLE. PERSIAN STYLE. TV I rt t irts1 r sn tran Knontlful rvAma tnrrar fiat vrri r our New Illustrated Catalogue (In book form), containing over 500 full size engravings of the latest styles of Jewelry and Watches (of our own manu facture), with valuable information SOW TO J3ECOIVIES AGENTS, wo will SEND FREE, by mail, postpaid, a pair or the Wonderful ILefevre Brilliants of any of the four styles represented, to every reader of this paper on receipt or fifty cents. Mention In your letter the style wanted. Address: STAR OF INIIA STYLE. AMERICAN JEWELRY COMPANY, No. 5 Arcade, CINCINNATI OHIO, LOS ANGELES "EgS' WSm-fflvc. rSlWW WSSTMtSSfe SAN BERNARDINO llllP if ' yP'"- iSer l7 V . I rES-CAL? , . T . Pk Wmf 1 MmjSm ' ,A"r 1 THE ABOVE IAP SHOWS THE "ABEJL STJBAKNS KMCHOS," THE CENTER OF LOS ANGELES VALLEY. COO Farms already sold and Improved. Within the Artesian "Well-Belt, and having water near the surface. For site in Sections or Fractions, by ALFRED ROBINSON, Trustee, 542 Market btrcct, corner Montgomery, San Francisco, or apply to WM. R. OLDEN, Anaheim, CaL, or", concerning the Colony, to Rev, ROBERT STRONG, West minster, Cal. Teems: l-5thCash Balance 1,2 and S Years; InterestatlOper cent, payable at end of each year. The larger square represent Jfowshlps six miles square, containing 36 sections. The smaller squares within the "Stearns Ranchos" represent 1C0 acres. Roads-are proposed to be laid out on every section line, forming blocks of one mile square, with roada on all aides, audun. many quarter section lines. Send for circulars. V..v . A