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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 25, 2017)
6 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2017 Why aren’t my legs as valuable as Michael Flatley’s? Ned Hickson Given that Jennifer Lopez was reportedly able to insure her buttocks for a million dollars, and British food critic Egon Ronay had his taste buds insured for $400,000, I could- n’t help but wonder how much I could get for my legs, which my wife has referred to as “cute” after a few glasses of wine. After filling out the neces- sary paperwork and submit- ting a photo, it turns out my legs have a combined net worth of just over $68.50. That’s according to Lloyd’s of London, which assured me their appraisal was pretty much the going rate for hairy- legged, 50-year-old, non- celebrities whose wives admire their husband’s legs while mildly intoxicated. As you can imagine, I was absolutely shocked by the insurance company’s appraisal of my legs’ value, and imme- diately responded by firing back a letter telling them — in no uncertain terms — to sign me up before they changed their mind. That’s right. For just $100 a month, I have the security of knowing that in the event of an accident, my legs — just like our vehicles and home — will be assessed by an experienced claims adjustor and immedi- ately declared a total loss. No matter how minimal the damage. That’s because, in each case, I’ve already paid more into the policy than I’ll ever get back. For example: Both of our cars are over 15 years old. Neither of them has full cover- age. Each costs us about $500 a year to insure. And, accord- ing to the Blue Book reference chart, their combined net value is still worth less than the premium on my legs. In fact, the only way I might be able to break even with all these policies is if the follow- ing were to happen: While using one car to tow the other, my legs suddenly caught fire, causing me to drive both vehicles directly into the side of our house. The point is my legs shouldn’t be any less valuable than, say... Michael Flatley’s, which Lloyd’s of London insured for $25 million. Okay, sure. He is “Mr. Lord of the Dance.” And yes, his legs can do things mine could only do if I were dancing barefoot on a mound of writhing scorpions covered with cooking spray. At the same time, I’ve seen the Riverdance video. As impressive as it was, my foot- work in a video taken of me trying to run past the water sprinkler while carrying our cat was equally impressive. (And, if I may add, a lot more dangerous.) In fact, plans are being made to release this exciting video, which includes footage of: • My sprinkler dance with our cat. • Our neighbors making tourniquets. • Me riding in an ambu- lance. • All of this performed to the dramatic musical score of “Cat Scratch Fever.” As an added bonus, the first 100 people to buy Sprinklerdance will also get a free documentary about skin grafts. That said, I must issue a dis- claimer telling anyone who watches this video NOT to attempt Sprinklerdancing at home. Unfortunately, this warning came too late for one celebrity who received an advanced copy. The good news is, see- ing that her buttocks were already insured for a million dollars, she’s expected to make a full recovery. The cats, however, are another story. Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. write to him at nedhickson@ icloud.com Celebrate art, wine and jazz at FlorenceFest debut event Seven jazz acts, including rapidly-rising international star Halie Loren, will comple- ment 12 wineries of regional and global renown, and an invitational juried art show, to lure aficionados of discerning tastes to Florence for FlorenceFest ’17. The two-day event takes place at the 21,000-square- foot Florence Events Center from 2 to 8 p.m. Friday, March 31, and noon to 8 p.m. on Saturday, April 1. Pre-event tickets are $20 online and available at www. florencechamber.com, or $25 at the door. Admission is restricted to adults age 21 and over. “We’re excited to launch this event in Florence for the wine, art and jazz aficionados throughout Oregon,” says organizer Jon Thompson. “The quality of the wine, art, food and music is critical to the overall success of the event and will appeal to a dis- cerning audience. We know attendees will be delighted.” Wineries from the Columbia Gorge to the Rogue Valley will offer free tastings as part of the admission price. Wineries include Gelardi Vineyard/Poco Collina, Concert to benefit Cold Weather Shelter will include 60-plus finalists out of more than 100 entries from Seattle to Bandon, including many Lane County locals. Prizes range up to $1000. The event is coordi- nated by the Florence Regional Arts Alliance. Thompson says that throughout the two days, a tapas-style menu will be available from a variety of Hanson Vineyards, Benton — Lane Winery, Panache Cellars, Youngberg Hill, Iris Vineyards, Rivers Edge, Season Cellars, Cathedral Ridge, Naked Winery, Sineann and J Scott Cellars. Wineries will sell their prod- uct by the glass or bottle. On Friday, The Michael Anderson Jazz Trio and Michelle and Dave Van Handel, will precede headlin- er Toni Glausi and his 9-piece Funk Band. On Saturday, headliner Halie Loren and her quintet will take the stage after per- formances by The Paul Biondi and Gus Russell Quartet, The Miles To Go Quartet and Don Latarski and D’Trio. The juried art show and sale, conducted by Robert Canaga — artist, appraiser and gallery owner/curator — DENTURE SERVICES INC. LOCALLY OWNED AND OPERATED Open 4 days a week! Here to serve your denture needs: Dentures Partial Dentures Immediate Dentures Implant Dentures Relines & Repairs Same Day Monday-Thursday 10am - 2 pm fun Florence has to offer. We want to fill the town with people who appreciate fine art, fine wine, and inter- national caliber jazz,” Thompson said. For more information, visit w w w. F l o r e n c e F e s t O r e g o n .com or call Coast Radio at 541-997-9136 or the Florence Area Chamber of Commerce at 541-997-3128. Do your part and volunteer today to help support these local non-proft organizations in our community! Volunteer•Get involved•Donate CASA of Lane County Court Appointed Special Advocate volunteers provide a powerful voice for children in the child welfare system. CASAs investigate, examine, and recommend to the Juvenile Court the best option for a safe and permanent home for the children assigned to them. To advocate for a child on our waitlist, call today! 541-984-3132, www.casa-lane.org William Foster LD Sherry, Offi ce Manager “As a denture wearer myself, I can answer your questions and address your denture concerns.” ~ William Foster, LD Financing: Citi Health Card 12 Month no Interest 524 Laurel St. 541-997-6054 providers. “Florence is so centrally located on the coast, and springtime is amazing here,” adds Thompson, owner of Coast Radio KCST/KCFM in Florence, which is producing FlorenceFest ‘17. “Florence bills itself as ‘Oregon’s coastal play- ground,’ and this event at this venue is a great part of all the Florence Food Share Ask us about volunteer opportunities. 2190 Spruce Street • P.O.Box 2514 Florence, Oregon 97439 (541) 997-9110 info@fl orencefoodshare.org Food Backpack for Kids Together, No Child Will Go Hungry Your tax deductible donations helped us feed 79 Florence/ Mapleton area children in January. Mail donations to: PO Box 3347 Florence, OR 97439. Call 541-997-2497 for more information. COURTESY PHOTO Jennifer Weier Jennifer Weier will per- form in concert to benefit the Florence Emergency Cold Weather Shelter (ECWS) on Sunday, Feb. 26, at 2 p.m. at the Presbyterian Church of the Siuslaw. Weier is an accomplished musician and has been mak- ing music since her piano studies began at age 4. She studied piano performance at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln, with Dr. Mark Clinton. Her performances include touring throughout Bulgaria with an International Chamber Music Festival in Kyustendil. Weier has been conducting the Community Chorus of Florence for two seasons. She also works as a pianist, organist, piano and voice teacher, director and accompanist in Florence. Florence, OR CCB#195304 • R ESIDENTIAL • L AND • C OMMERCIAL • P ROPERTY M ANAGEMENT JIM HOBERG Broker/Owner Jim Hoberg is a Florence native, and has been working in Real Estate since 1989. He has served as a Principal Broker for 25 years, and is the “founding father” of West Coast Real Estate Services, Inc. He has obtained several designations that require continuing education, which keeps him on the cutting edge of the industry and he is constantly looking for ways to expand his areas of expertise. Jim enjoys helping people fi nd solutions to their real estate needs and discovering why Florence is such a great place to live. Meals on Wheels and Cafe 60 Meals on Wheels are available to people over the age of 60 who cannot get out much due to illness or advanced age and who are not eating properly, regardless of income. Cafe 60 is available for those who prefer to make new friends in a dining room setting. 1570 Kingwood PO Box 2313, Florence 541-997-5673 laneseniormeals.org Peace Harbor Volunteers Join the Peace Harbor Hospital Volunteers, you will fi nd an area of interest in a caring organization. 400 9th Street, Florence 541-997-8412 ext. 209 Us Too Florence Saving men one PSA test at a time. “Someone to talk to...who understands!” 541-997-6626 maribob@oregonfast.net www.ustoofl orence.org Deadlines for press releases are Mondays and Thursdays by noon. Email them to: P RESS R ELEASES @T HE S IUSLAW N EWS . COM . 1870 H WY . 126, S UITE A PO B OX 3040 F LORENCE , OR F AX 541-997-7654 541-997-7653 VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW . JIMHOBERG . COM To include your organization in this directory, please call us @ 541-997-3441
