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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2017
Why aren’t my legs as valuable as Michael Flatley’s?
Ned
Hickson
Given
that Jennifer Lopez was
reportedly able to insure her
buttocks for a million dollars,
and British food critic Egon
Ronay had his taste buds
insured for $400,000, I could-
n’t help but wonder how much
I could get for my legs, which
my wife has referred to as
“cute” after a few glasses of
wine.
After filling out the neces-
sary paperwork and submit-
ting a photo, it turns out my
legs have a combined net
worth of just over $68.50.
That’s according to Lloyd’s
of London, which assured me
their appraisal was pretty
much the going rate for hairy-
legged, 50-year-old, non-
celebrities whose wives
admire their husband’s legs
while mildly intoxicated.
As you can imagine, I was
absolutely shocked by the
insurance company’s appraisal
of my legs’ value, and imme-
diately responded by firing
back a letter telling them — in
no uncertain terms — to sign
me up before they changed
their mind.
That’s right. For just $100 a
month, I have the security of
knowing that in the event of an
accident, my legs — just like
our vehicles and home — will
be assessed by an experienced
claims adjustor and immedi-
ately declared a total loss.
No matter how minimal the
damage.
That’s because, in each
case, I’ve already paid more
into the policy than I’ll ever
get back.
For example: Both of our
cars are over 15 years old.
Neither of them has full cover-
age. Each costs us about $500
a year to insure. And, accord-
ing to the Blue Book reference
chart, their combined net
value is still worth less than
the premium on my legs. In
fact, the only way I might be
able to break even with all
these policies is if the follow-
ing were to happen:
While using one car to tow
the other, my legs suddenly
caught fire, causing me to
drive both vehicles directly
into the side of our house.
The point is my legs
shouldn’t be any less valuable
than, say... Michael Flatley’s,
which Lloyd’s of London
insured for $25 million.
Okay, sure. He is “Mr. Lord
of the Dance.”
And yes, his legs can do
things mine could only do if I
were dancing barefoot on a
mound of writhing scorpions
covered with cooking spray.
At the same time, I’ve seen
the Riverdance video. As
impressive as it was, my foot-
work in a video taken of me
trying to run past the water
sprinkler while carrying our
cat was equally impressive.
(And, if I may add, a lot more
dangerous.)
In fact, plans are being
made to release this exciting
video, which includes footage
of:
• My sprinkler dance with
our cat.
• Our neighbors making
tourniquets.
• Me riding in an ambu-
lance.
• All of this performed to
the dramatic musical score of
“Cat Scratch Fever.”
As an added bonus, the first
100
people
to
buy
Sprinklerdance will also get a
free documentary about skin
grafts.
That said, I must issue a dis-
claimer telling anyone who
watches this video NOT to
attempt Sprinklerdancing at
home.
Unfortunately, this warning
came too late for one celebrity
who received an advanced
copy. The good news is, see-
ing that her buttocks were
already insured for a million
dollars, she’s expected to
make a full recovery.
The cats, however, are
another story.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
write to him at nedhickson@
icloud.com
Celebrate art, wine and jazz at FlorenceFest debut event
Seven jazz acts, including
rapidly-rising international
star Halie Loren, will comple-
ment 12 wineries of regional
and global renown, and an
invitational juried art show, to
lure aficionados of discerning
tastes to Florence for
FlorenceFest ’17.
The two-day event takes
place at the 21,000-square-
foot Florence Events Center
from 2 to 8 p.m. Friday,
March 31, and noon to 8 p.m.
on Saturday, April 1.
Pre-event tickets are $20
online and available at www.
florencechamber.com, or $25
at the door.
Admission is restricted to
adults age 21 and over.
“We’re excited to launch
this event in Florence for the
wine, art and jazz aficionados
throughout Oregon,” says
organizer Jon Thompson.
“The quality of the wine, art,
food and music is critical to
the overall success of the
event and will appeal to a dis-
cerning audience. We know
attendees will be delighted.”
Wineries
from
the
Columbia Gorge to the Rogue
Valley will offer free tastings
as part of the admission price.
Wineries include Gelardi
Vineyard/Poco
Collina,
Concert to
benefit Cold
Weather Shelter
will include 60-plus finalists
out of more than 100 entries
from Seattle to Bandon,
including many Lane County
locals. Prizes range up to
$1000. The event is coordi-
nated by the Florence
Regional Arts Alliance.
Thompson
says
that
throughout the two days, a
tapas-style menu will be
available from a variety of
Hanson Vineyards, Benton —
Lane
Winery,
Panache
Cellars, Youngberg Hill, Iris
Vineyards, Rivers Edge,
Season Cellars, Cathedral
Ridge,
Naked
Winery,
Sineann and J Scott Cellars.
Wineries will sell their prod-
uct by the glass or bottle.
On Friday, The Michael
Anderson Jazz Trio and
Michelle and Dave Van
Handel, will precede headlin-
er Toni Glausi and his 9-piece
Funk Band.
On Saturday, headliner
Halie Loren and her quintet
will take the stage after per-
formances by The Paul Biondi
and Gus Russell Quartet, The
Miles To Go Quartet and Don
Latarski and D’Trio.
The juried art show and
sale, conducted by Robert
Canaga — artist, appraiser
and gallery owner/curator —
DENTURE SERVICES INC.
LOCALLY OWNED AND OPERATED
Open 4 days a week!
Here to serve your denture needs:
Dentures
Partial Dentures
Immediate Dentures
Implant Dentures
Relines & Repairs Same Day
Monday-Thursday
10am - 2 pm
fun Florence has to offer.
We want to fill the town
with people who appreciate
fine art, fine wine, and inter-
national
caliber
jazz,”
Thompson said.
For more information, visit
w w w. F l o r e n c e F e s t O r e g o n
.com or call Coast Radio at
541-997-9136 or the Florence
Area Chamber of Commerce
at 541-997-3128.
Do your part and
volunteer today
to help support
these local
non-proft
organizations in
our community!
Volunteer•Get involved•Donate
CASA of Lane County
Court Appointed Special Advocate volunteers provide a powerful
voice for children in the child welfare system. CASAs investigate,
examine, and recommend to the Juvenile Court the best option
for a safe and permanent home for the children assigned to
them. To advocate for a child on our waitlist, call today!
541-984-3132, www.casa-lane.org
William Foster LD
Sherry, Offi ce Manager
“As a denture wearer myself,
I can answer your
questions and address
your denture concerns.”
~ William Foster, LD
Financing: Citi Health Card
12 Month no Interest
524 Laurel St.
541-997-6054
providers.
“Florence is so centrally
located on the coast, and
springtime is amazing here,”
adds Thompson, owner of
Coast Radio KCST/KCFM in
Florence, which is producing
FlorenceFest ‘17.
“Florence bills itself as
‘Oregon’s
coastal
play-
ground,’ and this event at this
venue is a great part of all the
Florence Food Share
Ask us about volunteer opportunities.
2190 Spruce Street • P.O.Box 2514
Florence, Oregon 97439
(541) 997-9110
info@fl orencefoodshare.org
Food Backpack for Kids
Together, No Child Will Go Hungry
Your tax deductible donations helped
us feed 79 Florence/ Mapleton area children in January.
Mail donations to: PO Box 3347 Florence, OR 97439.
Call 541-997-2497 for more information.
COURTESY PHOTO
Jennifer Weier
Jennifer Weier will per-
form in concert to benefit the
Florence Emergency Cold
Weather Shelter (ECWS) on
Sunday, Feb. 26, at 2 p.m. at
the Presbyterian Church of
the Siuslaw.
Weier is an accomplished
musician and has been mak-
ing music since her piano
studies began at age 4. She
studied piano performance at
the University of Nebraska,
Lincoln, with Dr. Mark
Clinton.
Her performances include
touring throughout Bulgaria
with
an
International
Chamber Music Festival in
Kyustendil.
Weier has been conducting
the Community Chorus of
Florence for two seasons.
She also works as a
pianist, organist, piano and
voice teacher, director and
accompanist in Florence.
Florence, OR CCB#195304
• R ESIDENTIAL
• L AND
• C OMMERCIAL
• P ROPERTY
M ANAGEMENT
JIM HOBERG
Broker/Owner
Jim Hoberg is a Florence native,
and has been working in Real
Estate since 1989. He has served
as a Principal Broker for 25 years,
and is the “founding father” of West
Coast Real Estate Services, Inc. He
has obtained several designations
that require continuing education,
which keeps him on the cutting edge
of the industry and he is constantly
looking for ways to expand his areas
of expertise. Jim enjoys helping
people fi nd solutions to their real
estate needs and discovering why
Florence is such a great place to live.
Meals on Wheels and Cafe 60
Meals on Wheels are available to people over the age of 60
who cannot get out much due to illness or advanced age and
who are not eating properly, regardless of income. Cafe 60 is
available for those who prefer to make new friends in a dining
room setting.
1570 Kingwood
PO Box 2313, Florence
541-997-5673
laneseniormeals.org
Peace Harbor Volunteers
Join the Peace Harbor Hospital Volunteers, you will fi nd an area
of interest in a caring organization.
400 9th Street, Florence
541-997-8412 ext. 209
Us Too Florence
Saving men one PSA test at a time. “Someone to talk to...who
understands!”
541-997-6626
maribob@oregonfast.net
www.ustoofl orence.org
Deadlines for press releases
are Mondays and Thursdays
by noon. Email them to:
P RESS R ELEASES
@T HE S IUSLAW N EWS . COM .
1870 H WY . 126, S UITE A
PO B OX 3040
F LORENCE , OR
F AX 541-997-7654
541-997-7653
VISIT US ONLINE AT
WWW . JIMHOBERG . COM
To include your organization in this
directory, please call us @ 541-997-3441