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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (July 16, 2016)
6 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, JULY 16, 2016 My tips for celebrity men on how not to excite women ing overzealous women trying Ned to get their hands on you: Hickson Become a humor colum- We’ve all seen the images of crazed women grabbing at male celebrities like Ryan Gosling, Justin Bieber and Zac Efron. We’ve watched the footage of a female fan claw- ing at Tim McGraw’s pant leg, causing him to shove her hand away in an attempt to avoid being dragged into a sea of crazed women. As I write this, I silently nod my head in understand- ing. Being that my job has kept me in the public eye for more than a decade, I have some advice for the country super- star when it comes to avoid- nist. In the last 16 years, the closest I’ve come to having a strange woman grab at me was during a fundraiser din- ner, when part of my pulled- pork sandwich went down the wrong way and a nurse in the audience gave me the Heimlich Maneuver. And while I thought she had taken a button from my sport coat as a keepsake, sur- veillance footage showed it popping off during a chest compression. Which wasn’t the least bit sexy. For anyone, really. Men like Tim McGraw need a team of security spe- cialists coordinating crowd control for shows and public appearances. By comparison, my recent reading at a public library required a security force of just one off-duty Walmart greeter — who, as it turned out, was only there because the library calendar mistaken- ly listed a presentation on genealogy that day. Fortunately, we were able to talk him into greeting dozens of others who, after learning I was the featured guest, had to be escorted out by a more calloused late-fee librarian. That’s because, while women often say a sense of humor is an extremely sexy quality in a man, let’s face it: No one tells a joke quite like a shirtless Ryan Gosling. To test this theory, I actual- ly had Ryan Gosling join me for a bookstore reading. Both of us were shirtless. He went first and had the audience of mostly women laughing hys- terically. Not to say that I did- n’t. It’s just that I hadn’t started reading from my book yet. As a service to celebrity men everywhere, here are a few tips I have found to be successful when it comes to avoiding the creation of a woman frenzy. First, try being a little less attractive. While it’s true “six- pack” abs are seen as an indi- cation of your commitment to fitness, tapping a pony keg requires real commitment. Also, pace yourself with the talent a bit. Just because you’re an award-winning entertainer doesn’t mean you need to perform at the highest level every single time! That only creates the kind of super- charged sexual energy that has created your problem in the first place! Do what I do and pull back the reigns on your sexual charisma and try to be a little less enticing. Anyone reading this under- stands what I mean. Lastly, a little clumsiness wouldn’t hurt. Actually, that’s not entirely true; it should hurt a little. Speaking from experi- ence, nothing stops droves of frenzied women in their tracks POLICE LOG Florence Police July 4 Theft was reported in the 300 block of Laurel Street. Arrest, with warrant, was reported in the 700 block of Highway 101. Accident, with unknown injury, was reported in the Glenada area. Accident, with unknown injury, was reported at Rhododendron Drive and Heceta Beach Road. Fire was reported in the 2900 block of Oak Street. Fire was reported on South Jetty Road. July 5 Accident, without injury, was reported in the first block of Harbor Street. DUII was reported in the 2400 block of Highway 101. Arrest, with warrant, was reported on 15th Street. Theft was reported in the 1500 block of Ninth Street. July 6 Trespass was reported in the 1900 block of 31st Street. Dispute was reported in the 1300 block of Highway 101. Theft was reported in the 600 block of Ibolt Court. Dispute was reported in the 1600 block of 17th Street. Theft was reported in the 2000 block of Highway 101. Hit-and-run accident was reported in the 200 block of Maple Street. Hit-and-run accident was reported in the 1800 block of Spruce Street. Theft was reported in the 3300 block of Redwood Loop. Shots fired was reported in the 14400 block of Highway 36. July 7 Illegal camping, lodging was reported on 12th Street. Accident, with unknown injury, was reported at milepost 3 on Highway 126. Child abuse was reported in the 1400 block of Second Street. Hit-and-run accident was reported at Maple and Bay streets. Trespass was reported in the 1000 block of Maple Street. Dispute was reported in the 85200 block of Highway 101. Accident, without injury, was reported at milepost 5 on Highway 36. Dispute was reported in the 1000 block of Maple Street. July 8 Arrest was reported in the 1600 block of 12th Street. Accident, with unknown injury, was reported on Deadwood Creek Road. Assault was reported in the 1600 block of 17th Street. Illegal camping, lodging was reported at Highway 101 and Munsel Lake Road. Illegal burning was reported in the 1300 block of Highway 101. Smoke showing was report- ed in the 1500 block of Fourth Street. July 9 Illegal camping, lodging was reported in the 700 block of Highway 101. Illegal camping, lodging was reported in the 1500 block of 12th Street. Arrest, with warrant, was reported in the 4700 block of Highway 101. Dispute was reported in the 1900 block of Upas Street. Dispute was reported in the 2100 block of 12th Street. July 10 Dispute was reported in the 700 block of Highway 101. Illegal camping, lodging was reported in Miller Park. Accident, without injury, was reported on Chestnut Street. Fight was reported in the 1500 block of Eighth Street. Shots fired was reported in the 2900 block of Oak Street. Burglary was reported in the 4700 block of Harbor Vista Road. Burglary was reported in the 1900 block of Willow Loop. July 11 Intoxicated subject was reported in the 2900 block of Munsel Lake Road. Theft was reported in the 3300 block of Munsel Lake Road. Intoxicated subject was reported in the 1500 block of Ninth Street. July 12 Dispute was reported in the 600 block of Horseshoe Bend. Theft was reported in the 1600 block of Rhododendron Drive. Dispute was reported in the 5200 block of Heceta Beach Road. Theft of motor vehicle was reported in the 1800 block of 37th Street. Accident, without injury, was reported at Highway 101 and Heceta Beach Road. Assault was reported in the 5600 block of Highway 101. July 13 Theft was reported in the 2000 block of 10th Street. Trespass was reported in the 1500 block of Airport Road. Criminal mischief was reported in the 1000 block of Eighth Street. Fire was reported on Heceta Beach. Accident, with unknown injury, was reported in the 3500 block of Highway 101. Trespass was reported in the 5400 block of Highway 101. Illegal camping, lodging was reported in the 2000 block of Highway 126. Smoke showing was report- ed at Miller Park. Child abuse was reported in the 1600 block of 17th Street. Shots fired was reported at Ninth Street and Rhododendron Drive. Illegal burning was reported in the 16800 block of Highway 36. faster than a really bad cart- wheel that ends with you hug- ging a tree trunk. Especially if all you’ve been drinking is diet soda. If you utilize these tech- niques, rest assured you can go to any library, grocery store or public appearance and not cause women to go crazy — or, with enough practice, any reaction whatsoever. But just to be safe, I’d also stay away from the pulled pork. Ned is a syndicated colum- nist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available at Port Hole Publications and Amazon. Specialty Salads for a healthy & delicious meal! NEW Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich Indulge your craving for something fresh and satisfying with our chef’s delicious salad creations. topped w/cheese, bell peppers, onions & mushrooms. (w/side) Open Daily for Lunch 11-6pm beer, wine & cocktails! Daily Happy Hour 3-6pm ONLY $12 The Grill & Lounge at Sandpines 1201 35th Street at Kingwood, Florence Highway 101 & 35 St. 541-997-4623 John C. Bachmann, DVM Lindsey A. Franz, DVM Call Today to Schedule Your Appointment 8:00 - 5:00 p.m. Open Monday through Friday 8:00 a.m. Dr. John Bachmann and his certified Veterinary Technician Elizabeth 541-997-9300 1739 West 22nd Street, Florence WORD The sixth annual Power of Florence is today at locations all around town. Go to PowerOfFlorence.org for ways to get involved! ON THE STREET What about today’s Power of Florence makes you excited? “This day means so much to me. I’m proud of what we have accomplished in the community. It brings hun- dreds of people out each year to make a difference together. We should encourage other cities to try the same things in their communities.” —K AYLEE G RAHAM , P OWER OF F LORENCE “I just really want to help make a difference in the com- munity. And it’s really fun, too. I hope to see you all at the Power of Florence this Saturday!” —A VA G LOWACKI P OWER OF F LORENCE LEADER “It’s really neat to see how it’s becoming part of the community. The fire depart- ment will have its ladder truck, and other vehicles from other departments will be there. It’s really cool because they’re community helpers as well.” —E LLA G LOWACKI , P OWER OF F LORENCE FOUNDER Let Paul show you a new car or truck. Stop by today! Try Our Unique “People take pride in tak- ing care of the community. People come together to make our community better. They are making our beautiful com- munity even more beautiful.” —S HANNON G RAHAM , P OWER OF F LORENCE TEAM MEMBER Kaylee Graham and Ava Glowacki TEAM MEMBER DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed above are solely those of the contributors and do not necessarily reflect those of the Siuslaw News or its advertisers. 2150 Hwy. 101 • Florence (541) 997-3475 • 1-800-348-3475 G OOD L OCATION - G REAT P RICE VOICE YOUR OPINION! Write a Letter to the Editor: Coast Real Estate E DITOR @T HE S IUSLAW N EWS . COM 100 Hwy. 101, Florence, OR 97439 Cell: CB#11297 MLS#16131115 $174,500 541-999-7317 diana@cbcoast.com
