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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, JULY 16, 2016
My tips for celebrity men on how not to excite women
ing overzealous women trying
Ned
to get their hands on you:
Hickson
Become a humor colum-
We’ve all seen the images
of crazed women grabbing at
male celebrities like Ryan
Gosling, Justin Bieber and
Zac Efron. We’ve watched the
footage of a female fan claw-
ing at Tim McGraw’s pant
leg, causing him to shove her
hand away in an attempt to
avoid being dragged into a sea
of crazed women.
As I write this, I silently
nod my head in understand-
ing.
Being that my job has kept
me in the public eye for more
than a decade, I have some
advice for the country super-
star when it comes to avoid-
nist.
In the last 16 years, the
closest I’ve come to having a
strange woman grab at me
was during a fundraiser din-
ner, when part of my pulled-
pork sandwich went down the
wrong way and a nurse in the
audience gave me the
Heimlich Maneuver.
And while I thought she
had taken a button from my
sport coat as a keepsake, sur-
veillance footage showed it
popping off during a chest
compression.
Which wasn’t the least bit
sexy.
For anyone, really.
Men like Tim McGraw
need a team of security spe-
cialists coordinating crowd
control for shows and public
appearances.
By comparison, my recent
reading at a public library
required a security force of
just one off-duty Walmart
greeter — who, as it turned
out, was only there because
the library calendar mistaken-
ly listed a presentation on
genealogy that day.
Fortunately, we were able
to talk him into greeting
dozens of others who, after
learning I was the featured
guest, had to be escorted out
by a more calloused late-fee
librarian.
That’s because, while
women often say a sense of
humor is an extremely sexy
quality in a man, let’s face it:
No one tells a joke quite like a
shirtless Ryan Gosling.
To test this theory, I actual-
ly had Ryan Gosling join me
for a bookstore reading. Both
of us were shirtless. He went
first and had the audience of
mostly women laughing hys-
terically. Not to say that I did-
n’t.
It’s just that I hadn’t started
reading from my book yet.
As a service to celebrity
men everywhere, here are a
few tips I have found to be
successful when it comes to
avoiding the creation of a
woman frenzy.
First, try being a little less
attractive. While it’s true “six-
pack” abs are seen as an indi-
cation of your commitment to
fitness, tapping a pony keg
requires real commitment.
Also, pace yourself with the
talent a bit. Just because
you’re an award-winning
entertainer doesn’t mean you
need to perform at the highest
level every single time! That
only creates the kind of super-
charged sexual energy that has
created your problem in the
first place!
Do what I do and pull back
the reigns on your sexual
charisma and try to be a little
less enticing.
Anyone reading this under-
stands what I mean.
Lastly, a little clumsiness
wouldn’t hurt. Actually, that’s
not entirely true; it should hurt
a little. Speaking from experi-
ence, nothing stops droves of
frenzied women in their tracks
POLICE LOG
Florence Police
July 4
Theft was reported in the
300 block of Laurel Street.
Arrest, with warrant, was
reported in the 700 block of
Highway 101.
Accident, with unknown
injury, was reported in the
Glenada area.
Accident, with unknown
injury, was reported at
Rhododendron Drive and
Heceta Beach Road.
Fire was reported in the
2900 block of Oak Street.
Fire was reported on South
Jetty Road.
July 5
Accident, without injury,
was reported in the first block
of Harbor Street.
DUII was reported in the
2400 block of Highway 101.
Arrest, with warrant, was
reported on 15th Street.
Theft was reported in the
1500 block of Ninth Street.
July 6
Trespass was reported in the
1900 block of 31st Street.
Dispute was reported in the
1300 block of Highway 101.
Theft was reported in the
600 block of Ibolt Court.
Dispute was reported in the
1600 block of 17th Street.
Theft was reported in the
2000 block of Highway 101.
Hit-and-run accident was
reported in the 200 block of
Maple Street.
Hit-and-run accident was
reported in the 1800 block of
Spruce Street.
Theft was reported in the
3300 block of Redwood Loop.
Shots fired was reported in
the 14400 block of Highway
36.
July 7
Illegal camping, lodging was
reported on 12th Street.
Accident, with unknown
injury, was reported at milepost
3 on Highway 126.
Child abuse was reported in
the 1400 block of Second
Street.
Hit-and-run accident was
reported at Maple and Bay
streets.
Trespass was reported in the
1000 block of Maple Street.
Dispute was reported in the
85200 block of Highway 101.
Accident, without injury,
was reported at milepost 5 on
Highway 36.
Dispute was reported in the
1000 block of Maple Street.
July 8
Arrest was reported in the
1600 block of 12th Street.
Accident, with unknown
injury, was reported on
Deadwood Creek Road.
Assault was reported in the
1600 block of 17th Street.
Illegal camping, lodging was
reported at Highway 101 and
Munsel Lake Road.
Illegal burning was reported
in the 1300 block of Highway
101.
Smoke showing was report-
ed in the 1500 block of Fourth
Street.
July 9
Illegal camping, lodging was
reported in the 700 block of
Highway 101.
Illegal camping, lodging was
reported in the 1500 block of
12th Street.
Arrest, with warrant, was
reported in the 4700 block of
Highway 101.
Dispute was reported in the
1900 block of Upas Street.
Dispute was reported in the
2100 block of 12th Street.
July 10
Dispute was reported in the
700 block of Highway 101.
Illegal camping, lodging was
reported in Miller Park.
Accident, without injury,
was reported on Chestnut
Street.
Fight was reported in the
1500 block of Eighth Street.
Shots fired was reported in
the 2900 block of Oak Street.
Burglary was reported in the
4700 block of Harbor Vista
Road.
Burglary was reported in the
1900 block of Willow Loop.
July 11
Intoxicated subject was
reported in the 2900 block of
Munsel Lake Road.
Theft was reported in the
3300 block of Munsel Lake
Road.
Intoxicated subject was
reported in the 1500 block of
Ninth Street.
July 12
Dispute was reported in the
600 block of Horseshoe Bend.
Theft was reported in the
1600 block of Rhododendron
Drive.
Dispute was reported in the
5200 block of Heceta Beach
Road.
Theft of motor vehicle was
reported in the 1800 block of
37th Street.
Accident, without injury,
was reported at Highway 101
and Heceta Beach Road.
Assault was reported in the
5600 block of Highway 101.
July 13
Theft was reported in the
2000 block of 10th Street.
Trespass was reported in the
1500 block of Airport Road.
Criminal mischief was
reported in the 1000 block of
Eighth Street.
Fire was reported on Heceta
Beach.
Accident, with unknown
injury, was reported in the 3500
block of Highway 101.
Trespass was reported in the
5400 block of Highway 101.
Illegal camping, lodging was
reported in the 2000 block of
Highway 126.
Smoke showing was report-
ed at Miller Park.
Child abuse was reported in
the 1600 block of 17th Street.
Shots fired was reported at
Ninth
Street
and
Rhododendron Drive.
Illegal burning was reported
in the 16800 block of Highway
36.
faster than a really bad cart-
wheel that ends with you hug-
ging a tree trunk.
Especially if all you’ve
been drinking is diet soda.
If you utilize these tech-
niques, rest assured you can
go to any library, grocery
store or public appearance and
not cause women to go crazy
— or, with enough practice,
any reaction whatsoever.
But just to be safe, I’d also
stay away from the pulled
pork.
Ned is a syndicated colum-
nist with News Media
Corporation.
His
book,
“Humor at the Speed of Life,”
is available at Port Hole
Publications and Amazon.
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WORD
The sixth annual Power of Florence
is today at locations all around
town. Go to PowerOfFlorence.org
for ways to get involved!
ON THE
STREET
What about today’s Power of Florence makes you excited?
“This day means so much
to me. I’m proud of what we
have accomplished in the
community. It brings hun-
dreds of people out each year
to make a difference together.
We should encourage other
cities to try the same things in
their communities.”
—K AYLEE G RAHAM ,
P OWER OF F LORENCE
“I just really want to help
make a difference in the com-
munity. And it’s really fun,
too. I hope to see you all at the
Power of Florence this
Saturday!”
—A VA G LOWACKI
P OWER OF F LORENCE
LEADER
“It’s really neat to see how
it’s becoming part of the
community. The fire depart-
ment will have its ladder
truck, and other vehicles
from other departments will
be there. It’s really cool
because they’re community
helpers as well.”
—E LLA G LOWACKI ,
P OWER OF F LORENCE
FOUNDER
Let Paul show you a new car or truck.
Stop by today!
Try Our Unique
“People take pride in tak-
ing care of the community.
People come together to make
our community better. They
are making our beautiful com-
munity even more beautiful.”
—S HANNON G RAHAM ,
P OWER OF F LORENCE
TEAM MEMBER
Kaylee Graham and Ava Glowacki
TEAM MEMBER
DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed above are solely those of the contributors and do not necessarily reflect those of the Siuslaw News or its advertisers.
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