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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (April 29, 2015)
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2015 7 A Giant snakes, screaming kids — welcome to Uncle Ned’s daycare dle of the lawn. Ned For the purpose of this col- Hickson umn (or, more specifically, I have a good friend who is a child care provider. So when she found herself in a bind, I told her I’d be happy to watch the kids for a couple of hours; eight children, all under the age of four. I did this yesterday. Today, I’m writing to you from a locked treatment facil- ity for the emotionally dis- turbed. Being a parent, it’s not like I didn’t know what to expect. I was prepared. I came with a plan. I had ideas for things to do. And, if all else failed, I came with a bungee cord large enough to wrap all eight of them together in the mid- for the purpose of protecting myself from an investigation by the Child Protection Agency) I’ll only refer to the kids by nickname. “Bonnie and Clyde,” for example, were both less than two years old and always planning a getaway. I know this because they would often sit together babbling quietly, then suddenly climb to their feet and make a break for it, stumbling across the yard with both hands in the air. I have no idea where they planned to go once they made it to “the outside” (which seemed to be anywhere beyond the grass), but I took the keys to the Barbie Jeep anyway. For any men who might find themselves in this situa- tion, I’d suggest wearing an athletic cup. That’s because, for some reason, all children believe that the only way to get your attention is to stand directly in front of you, wait until you’re not looking, and then poke you directly in the [censored]. I say this all in retrospect, having NOT brought an ath- letic supporter and, instead, resorting to the next best thing: Duct-taping a coffee mug to myself. This worked just fine and was fairly com- fortable. So comfortable, in fact, that I completely forgot about it until went into the local coffee shop and asked for my free refill. At which point I was told the policy would be changing — effec- tive immediately. As anyone will tell you, the key to supervising children is keeping them active. Provide L L E E E E O O M M L L I I D D them with things to do and they’ll be totally unaware that you are, in effect, slowly going insane. To accomplish this, we played softball, soc- cer, hop-Scotch and then col- ored a giant dragon that I drew on the sidewalk in chalk. Thanks to this planning and organization, these activi- ties kept everyone entertained for well over 15 minutes. Which left me with another hour to fill. Desperate, I did what any good child care provider would do in this situation: I kindled their imaginations by telling them I had a giant snake in the car. This, of course, was very exciting, and we spent the next 10 minutes talking about how big it was, where it came from, and whether or not it had once been an executive from ENRON. :,//6¬352%$7(/,9,1*758675(9,6,216 :,//6¬352%$7(/,9,1*758675(9,6,216 Bring the kids! There will be a Kid Zone and admission is free for all kids. The first 100 kids will receive a free recycle cape! Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhickson@icloud.com 40 Years Lane County Legal Experience 10 Year Coast Resident 997-9983 This Lady is Eighty? Let’s all get our friends together and meet at the Florence Green Fair. There is so much for us to learn there and lots of hand outs, giveaways, and drawings too! screaming children on the front lawn. On the bright side, it did shave another 20 minutes off the clock, which left me with just enough time to get every- one calmed down and back inside before anyone showed up. To the parents, I apologize for any future psychological treatment your children may require. To my friend, I’ve gained an even higher level of appreciation for what you do. And to my wife and fami- ly: They say I can leave any day now — just as soon as I give up the coffee mug. Oil painting class for youth offered at FRAA T O T T R T R O N E E Y Y A A T T A T A N O T O N E R E R Y Y N 216 Nopal Street (Old Town) Everything was going great until, naturally, they demand- ed to see it. Now, because I didn’t actually HAVE a 50- foot anaconda in the car, I was left with only one option, which was to tell them it must’ve escaped. If you’ve never heard the sound of eight small children screaming at once, you can experience the same thing by sticking a bullhorn next to your ear and pushing the siren button. Even “Bonnie and Clyde,” who had no idea what was going on, began screaming — hands in the air and stumbling across the grass to freedom. I should explain that my friend’s home is somewhat secluded, which is what kept anyone from reporting a strange man with a coffee mug strapped to his pants chasing down a herd of Happy Birthday May 7th (Rosalie) Love, Liz & Bob COURTESY PHOTO FRAA oil painting instructor John Leasure Florence Regional Arts Alliance (FRAA) has announced three Saturday morning oil painting classes for youth, ages 13 and up, at the FRAA Art Center. The instructor will be noted local artist John Leasure, and classes will be held on Saturdays, May 2, 23 and 30, from 9 a.m. to noon. The fee will be $25 per ses- sion, with a discount for two or more from the same family. “Youth are invited to come and learn how to paint realistic looking birds, landscapes, flowers and more,” said Leasure. “Parents are welcome to join the class if they wish.” Each session is a separate class so painters can attend one, or all three. Call Leasure at 541-992- 2754 to sign-up. The FRAA Art Center is located at 4969 Highway 101, Munsel Lake Plaza #4. If you’re looking for leading dialysis care, we’re looking for you. WE’RE ACCEPTING NEW PATIENTS Fresenius Medical Care Florence 2820 Kingwood St., Florence We invite you to find out more about the leading dialysis clinic network in the nation, Fresenius Medical Care. We offer the latest treatment options, including in-center hemodialysis and peritoneal dialysis at home. Our experienced, caring staff delivers UltraCare ® : our commitment to provide excellent patient care with superior customer service. And, to make your in-center treatment comfortable, we provide heated massage chairs and individual information and entertainment systems. Fresenius Medical Care Florence. If you’re looking to experience excellence in dialysis care call us today at (541) 997-1136 today. www.UltraCare-Dialysis.com