SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2015
7 A
Giant snakes, screaming kids — welcome to Uncle Ned’s daycare
dle of the lawn.
Ned
For the purpose of this col-
Hickson umn (or, more specifically,
I have a good friend who is
a child care provider. So
when she found herself in a
bind, I told her I’d be happy
to watch the kids for a couple
of hours; eight children, all
under the age of four.
I did this yesterday.
Today, I’m writing to you
from a locked treatment facil-
ity for the emotionally dis-
turbed.
Being a parent, it’s not like
I didn’t know what to expect.
I was prepared. I came with a
plan. I had ideas for things to
do.
And, if all else failed, I
came with a bungee cord
large enough to wrap all eight
of them together in the mid-
for the purpose of protecting
myself from an investigation
by the Child Protection
Agency) I’ll only refer to the
kids by nickname.
“Bonnie and Clyde,” for
example, were both less than
two years old and always
planning a getaway. I know
this because they would often
sit together babbling quietly,
then suddenly climb to their
feet and make a break for it,
stumbling across the yard
with both hands in the air. I
have no idea where they
planned to go once they made
it to “the outside” (which
seemed to be anywhere
beyond the grass), but I took
the keys to the Barbie Jeep
anyway.
For any men who might
find themselves in this situa-
tion, I’d suggest wearing an
athletic cup. That’s because,
for some reason, all children
believe that the only way to
get your attention is to stand
directly in front of you, wait
until you’re not looking, and
then poke you directly in the
[censored].
I say this all in retrospect,
having NOT brought an ath-
letic supporter and, instead,
resorting to the next best
thing: Duct-taping a coffee
mug to myself. This worked
just fine and was fairly com-
fortable. So comfortable, in
fact, that I completely forgot
about it until went into the
local coffee shop and asked
for my free refill. At which
point I was told the policy
would be changing — effec-
tive immediately.
As anyone will tell you, the
key to supervising children is
keeping them active. Provide
L L E E E E O
O M
M L L I I D D
them with things to do and
they’ll be totally unaware that
you are, in effect, slowly
going insane. To accomplish
this, we played softball, soc-
cer, hop-Scotch and then col-
ored a giant dragon that I
drew on the sidewalk in
chalk. Thanks to this planning
and organization, these activi-
ties kept everyone entertained
for well over 15 minutes.
Which left me with another
hour to fill.
Desperate, I did what any
good child care provider
would do in this situation:
I kindled their imaginations
by telling them I had a giant
snake in the car.
This, of course, was very
exciting, and we spent the
next 10 minutes talking about
how big it was, where it came
from, and whether or not it
had once been an executive
from ENRON.
:,//6¬352%$7(/,9,1*758675(9,6,216
:,//6¬352%$7(/,9,1*758675(9,6,216
Bring the kids! There will be a Kid Zone and
admission is free for all kids.
The first 100 kids will receive a free recycle cape!
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
40 Years Lane County
Legal Experience
10 Year Coast Resident
997-9983
This Lady is Eighty?
Let’s all get our friends together and meet at
the Florence Green Fair. There is so much
for us to learn there and lots of hand outs,
giveaways, and drawings too!
screaming children on the
front lawn.
On the bright side, it did
shave another 20 minutes off
the clock, which left me with
just enough time to get every-
one calmed down and back
inside before anyone showed
up.
To the parents, I apologize
for any future psychological
treatment your children may
require. To my friend, I’ve
gained an even higher level of
appreciation for what you do.
And to my wife and fami-
ly:
They say I can leave any
day now — just as soon as I
give up the coffee mug.
Oil painting class for
youth offered at FRAA
T O T T R T R O
N E E Y Y
A A T T A
T A
N O
T O
N E R E R Y Y N
216 Nopal Street (Old Town)
Everything was going great
until, naturally, they demand-
ed to see it. Now, because I
didn’t actually HAVE a 50-
foot anaconda in the car, I
was left with only one option,
which was to tell them it
must’ve escaped.
If you’ve never heard the
sound of eight small children
screaming at once, you can
experience the same thing by
sticking a bullhorn next to
your ear and pushing the siren
button.
Even “Bonnie and Clyde,”
who had no idea what was
going on, began screaming —
hands in the air and stumbling
across the grass to freedom.
I should explain that my
friend’s home is somewhat
secluded, which is what kept
anyone from reporting a
strange man with a coffee
mug strapped to his pants
chasing down a herd of
Happy
Birthday
May 7th
(Rosalie)
Love, Liz & Bob
COURTESY PHOTO
FRAA oil painting instructor John Leasure
Florence Regional Arts
Alliance
(FRAA)
has
announced three Saturday
morning oil painting classes
for youth, ages 13 and up, at
the FRAA Art Center.
The instructor will be noted
local artist John Leasure, and
classes will be held on
Saturdays, May 2, 23 and 30,
from 9 a.m. to noon.
The fee will be $25 per ses-
sion, with a discount for two or
more from the same family.
“Youth are invited to come
and learn how to paint realistic
looking birds, landscapes,
flowers and more,” said
Leasure. “Parents are welcome
to join the class if they wish.”
Each session is a separate
class so painters can attend
one, or all three.
Call Leasure at 541-992-
2754 to sign-up.
The FRAA Art Center is
located at 4969 Highway 101,
Munsel Lake Plaza #4.
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