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About Polk County itemizer. (Dallas, Or.) 1879-1927 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 17, 1908)
$1.00 Package Free To All 6 The Funny Corner A good Samaritan, passing an spart- ment house in the small hours of the morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway. •'What’s the matter?" he asked. Drunk ?” “ Yep.” "D o you live in this house?” “ Yep "D o you want me to help you up stairs?” “ Yep.” With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure up the stairway to th.e second Door. "What floor do you live on?” he asked. “ Is this it?” "Y ep.” Rather than face an irate wiie who Every Mao or Woman Can Have a Bealitiful Head of Hair By Using The might, perhaps, take him for a com Wonderful Foso Treatment. panion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he came to and pushed the limp figure in. Foso Quickly Removes Dandruff, The good Samaritan groped his way Free $1.00 P ackage Coupon Stops Palling Hair and Itching Scalp, downstairs again. As he was passing Changes Gray or Faded Hair to its F ill In your name ait<l a<l<lresa on the blank lines through the vestibule he was able to below, out out the coupon ami mall to .J. 4»’ . Stokes, Natural Color. Grows New Hair. Mgr., 84M F o m Bldg.. Cincinnati. Ohio. Kni-ltweten make out the dim outlines of another cents in stamps or silver as an evidence o f «<»«>«1 faith M en w h ose h air o r beards a re s tr a n g lin g o r a ll man. apparently in worse condition than amt to help cover uackinp. postntte, etc., ami a fu ll g o n e w o m en w h ose tresses h ave been th in n ed $1.00 packaae w ill Vie sent you at once by mail pre the first one. b y fe v e r o r h air fa llin g out re q u irin g th e use o f paid free or charge. “What's the matter?” he asked. “ Are sw itch es; little ch ild re n , boys and g ir ls w hose h a ir is coarse and u n ru ly: a ll find in th is g rea t you drunk, too?” re m e d y just the r e lie f that th e y want. Yep,” was the feeble reply. "Do-you live in this house, too?” I don’t ask you to take my word for "Yep." It. Fill out free coupon below and mall “ Shall I help you upstairs?” today for a free $1.00 package that will “ Yep.” prove all I claim. The good Samaritan pushed, pulled and carried him to the second floor, where this man also said he lived. He opened I I r I I U / / V M T F D in ®re,y locality in I f 2 T l |W nited States, to advertise the same door and pushed him in. ->ur good«, tacK up «how cards in all con As he again reached the front door Hpicuoufi places, and distribute «m all advertising matter, You o a n X iv e a F I N E l- IT T L E P O N Y A N D P O N Y he discerned the shadow of a third man, C A R T with a complete outfit, including Harness, Blan Commission or salary $83 per month and expenses $4 per ket. wuip, robes,etc., without p ayin g a cent. Send your day. Steady work the year round; entirely new plan; no evidently worse off than either of the other two. Hie was about to approach name and address and I w iilte ll you why I want you to experience required Write for particulars. have ir. Mrs E C Smith n Exchange St., Portland, Me WM. R. WARNER MED. CO. London, Ont. Canada. him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself into the arms of a passing po liceman. 'For Heaven sake, officer,” he gasped, “ protect me from that man. He's done nothin’ all night long but carry me up stairs ’n throw me down th’ elevator shaf’.” Boys and Girls A PRIZE FOR YOU T w o beautiful full Size 16x20 pictures and a package o f ten handsomely c o lo re d post cards given FREE to all an sw e rin g this advertisement in good faith. Write to-day. W o u ld n 't you like a P R I Z E o f this h an d som e. e le g a n t, a ttra c tiv e net o f dishes? O f course you w ould. T h e s e t consists o f 4* pieces em bellish ed w ith Y O U R I N I T I A L I N P U R E G O L D , m a k in g th e w h o le s e t th e prid e a n d jo y o f e v e ry hou sek eep er fo rtu n a te enough to possess it. Y O U C A N W I N T H I S P R I Z E A N D I I W O N T C O S T Y O U A C E N T . W e are givin g th e dishes a w a y F R E E fo r a v e ry little e ffo r t. T h in k h ow n ic e to h a v e th is d in n e r s e t in you r' c h in a closet! T h in k how p r o u d you can fe e l to h ave them on yo u r ta b le w h e n c o m p a n y conics! S P L E N D ID PR IZE ! This 42 Piece Gold Monogram Dinner Set IF Y O U A C T U P O N T H I S O F F E R P R O M P T L Y . C A N BE Y O U R S 1 This set is ju st as show n in th e illu stration. T h is d a in tily d e c o ra te d , em bellish ed, gold in itia l d in n er set. ela b o ra te ly d e c o ra te d w ith w ild roses w ith g reen lea ves and fo ila g e, e r c r u p ir n - tr im m e d w it h c o in g o ld , th e n e x t th in g to H n v ila n d ch in a , w h ich is o w n ed by m u lti m illionaires. eq u a l to a set c ostin g m a n y dollars in yo u r lo ca l stores—'th is P R I Z E P R E M IU M is Y O U R S fo r a little o f your leisure tim e. Y o u r in itia l in g o l d is pu t o n as show n above. This d in n er set w ill be th e prid e o f y ou r hom e an d you can W I N it e a s ily by a little p leasan t e ffo rt. An Extra Free Present for Promptness. A c t p ro m p tly upon this o ffe r and W I N A N O T H E R P R I Z E o f a b e a u tifu l O P I E C E S I L V E R P L A T E D T E A S E T - c o n s is t in g o f six teaspoons, a sugar shell and a b u tter k n ife , h a n d so m ely p la te d w ith coin silver. Y ou can ea sily w in B O T H o f th ese va lu a b le prizes. O n e la d y w rite s : “ I am very much »lease« 1 w ith m y prize set. I t is v e r y m u c h b e tte r t h a n T e v e r e x p e c t e d to g * t. A n y on e can see o r them selves by lo«>king at the set l re c e iv e d th at th e re a re no ch ea p articles put out by y o u .” A n oth er la«ly w rite s : "R e c e iv e d prize set O. K. A m v e r y m uch p leased w ith it. I t is m u c h n i c e r th a n I th o u g h t it w o u ld be. I th a n k you v e ry m uch. I am goin g to e a rn a n o th er s e t." ? B Y M Y PLA N A N Y ONE C A N SECURE BO TH THESE BEAUTIFUL PRIZES JUST LIKE THESE LADIES DID. HO IV TO G E T T H E S E P R IZ E S . Just fill in c a re fu lly the coupon b e lo w an d send it to m e. an d I w ill ta k e pleasure in w ritin g you just w h a t to do. I h ave such a s p l e n d i d ! l i b e r a l prop osition to m ak e t«> you th at I k n ow you w ill be d e lig h t to h ave a ch a n ce to g e t an e le g a n t, beau tifu lly d e c o lla t e d 4 2 P I E C E G O L D M O N O G R A M D I N N E R S E T an d th e H A N D S O M E T E A S E T P L A T E D W I T H C O I N S I L V E R w h en you see h ow easily it can be done. BF. A R I N M I N D these tw o Prizes are free. D o n ’ t fo rg e t th a t w e g iv e T w o G r a n d P riz e P re m iu m s instead o f <>ne. an d th at as soon is w e g e t th e . nnpon w e send you tw o b e a u tifu l ric h ly colo red P I C T U R E S an d a set o f A R T IS T IC C OLORED P O S T C A R D S a b solu tely fr e e . D o n ’ t d e la y . W rite a t o n ce. Address M. A. JOHNSON, Mtfr., WaiTCD, Pa. M. \ JnitNs A . M.-r , W irrun. I’ u. F R F I CO UPO N. ------------------ D e a r Sir:— I w o u ld like to secure * 4 2 P I E C E G O L D M O N O G R A M D I N N E R S E T and H A N D S O M E S IL V E R PLATED P I E C E T E A S E T . P le a s e sen d m e fu ll particulars. A Nam e A d d re s s .................. ............................................ ......... ............. ...................................... D im . 1Q1 Editor's Note.—This firm is relia b le am i w ill d o as th ey a d vertise. any difference which of these cars I take to Greenwood Cemetery?” "N ot to me. madam.” he answered, slipping through an opening in the crowd. W h e n P a t L au gh ed Last A short time ago two Englishmen on a visit to Ireland hired a boat for the purpose of having a sail. One of the Britons, thinking he would have a good joke at Pat’s expense, asked him if he klftew anything about astrology. “ Be jabers, no,” said Pat. “Then that’s the best part of your life just lost,” answered the Englishman. The second Englishman then asked Pat if he knew anything about theology. "B e jabers, no,” answered Pat. "W ell,” the second said, " I must say that’s the very best part of your life lost.” A few minutes later a sudden squall arose and the boat capsized. Pat began to swim. The Britons, however, could not swim, and both called loudly to Pat to help them. "D o you know anything about swim ming?” asked Pat. "N o ,” answered both Englishmen. "W ell, be jabers,” replied Pat, "then both of your lives is lost!” S tro n g W a te r Mr. Edison was once asked to send a phonographic cylinder to a fair. He sent this reply: "Y o u ask me to send you a phono graphic cylinder and to say a few words to the audience. I do not think the audienqe would take any interest in dry scientific subjects, but perhaps they might be interested in a little story that a man sent me on a phonographic cylin der the other day from San Frandisco. In the year 1873 a man from M assa chusetts came to California with a chronic liver complaint. He searched all over the coast for a mineral spring to cure the disease, and finally he found, "down in the San Joaquin Valley, a spring the waters of which almost in _ H e R e m e m b e re d stantly cured him. He therefore started A restaurant-keeper hung out this a sanitarium, and people all over the sign: world came and were quickly cured. “ Coffee: Last year this man died, and so powerful “ Such as Mother Used to Make.” had been the action of the water that, A customer asked, pointing to the before they could bury him, they had to sign : take his liver out and kill it with a club. "Is your coffee really such as mother used to make?” “ It is,” replied the proprietor. M ark T w a in on F.tlquette “ Then.” said the man with a remi- niscent look, "give me a cup of tea.” Mark Twain, at a dinner in New York, talked on etiquette: " I once read a book of etiquette.” he Sqooks. visiting at a country house, said, “and I still remember many of the was put in the haunted chamber for the rules. The most important rules were night. He did not feel the slightest un these: easiness, but nevertheless, just as a mat “ How to accept a proffered cigar—Slip ter of precaution, he took to bed with the right hand into the box, draw forth him a revolver of the latest American two, place one absently in the upper pattern. pocket of the vest, insert the other be He slept peacefully enough until the tween the lips, look inquiringly around clock struck two. when he awoke with for a light. an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He "How to leave a room properly—Open raised his head and peered about him. the door, place one foot over the sill, The room was illumined by the full moon follow it up closely with the other foot, and in that weird, bluish light he thought and then, turning slightly, shut the door. he discerned a white hand clasping the "H ow to accept a dinner invitation— rail at the foot of the bed. Eat a light breakfast and no lunch. “ Who’s there?” he asked tremulously "H ow to accept an invitation to drink— There was no reply. The white hand Look careless. Say, ‘ Don’t care if I do,’ did not move. and fix the gaxe on the other side of the "W ho’s there?” he repeated. “ Answer room while the liquor is being poured me or I ’ll shoot.” into the glass. This will assure you a full Again there was no reply. portion.” Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired. Blissful Ig s o ra n c e From that night on he’s limped. Shot off two of his own toes. A kind old gentleman, seeing a small boy who was carrying a load of news papers, said, "D on’t all those papers The usual large crowd was gathered at make you tired, my boy?” the New York end of the Brooklyn “ Naw, I don’t read ’em,” replied the Bridge waiting for trolley cars. An lad. elderly lady, red in the face, flustered, and fussy, dug her elbows into convenient H e l p W a n t « « ! M a le ribs, irrespective of owners. A fat man on her left was the re Weary Willie (reading ad.)— Man cipient of a particularly vicious jab. She wanted to chop wood, bring up coa.\ yelled at him. Say!” tend furnace, take care of garden, mind He winced slightly and moved to one thickens, and children----- side. She, too side-stepped and thumped Frayed Fagin (groaning)—Gee! deni him viciously «11 the back. natrimonial advertisements made m: “ Say!” she persisted, "does it make tired.—Judge.