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About Bandon recorder. (Bandon, Or.) 188?-1910 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 4, 1902)
BANDON RECORDER. f POLLY LARKIN 1 ness t hat he hail done the right thing, but it is never to lie in his time. » » » • lb________________________ J The residents of Ephraim, Utah, cer tainly kuow the way to a child’s heart and the best way to briug out good re sults. There has never been a time when the announcement that “tickets for admission” to some entertainment would not arouse all the boyish enthu siasm |>ent up in the heart of the small boy. Nothing was too irksome to gain the reward, even If it was to some very or«linary show and not worth tlie pa|o*r the tickets were printed on. The boy whose liack was, to use his expression, "nearly broken in two” by carrying a couple buckets of water or an armful of wtssl into the kitchen for his mother, would steal away from school and cheerfully carry a dozen buckets of wa ter any distance to appease the thirst of tlie elephant and receive a ticket for the circus, not counting tlie little re ward he usually received when he got home for playing hisikey from school. (')iastisement didn’t count when a cir cus was in town The residents of Ephraim believed tiiat tlie ticket of ad mission might work with the grown-up boys as well, s«i they announced that they would give a series of entertain ments, the first to Is* a dance, and the admission would tie half a bushel of grasshoppers. Asa result seventy-live half bushels of grasshoppers were pre sented to the ticket man at the door, and the evening was spent merrily enough after the dance. The “society hoppers," as one of them expressed it, gathered round an immense Isiufire into which were tossed the seventy-tive bushels of grasshoppers for cremation. A standing rewarti of $1 a bushel was ottered by the city officials for the young grasshopiiers. Everything pos sible was done to catch the young in sects before they liegan to tly, and tiie citizens banded together to destroy them ami prevent a repetition of last year, when the grasshoppers swept Ephriam, the agricultural center of San Pete county, of all verdure. They have taken novel methods to exter minate tlie pests, and it seems to lie working like a charm, and men women ami children are all taking a hand in the good work. • » • » Til For Tat. Ill the prove congress at The Hague Lord Puuncefote attracted the atten thin of th>' delegates by taking uotes with a fountain pen the handle of which was formed by the shell of a dumdum bullet. One day the represent atlve of a foreign power, excited by the heat of the discussion in the inter ests of eternal peace, said to him sharply: "My lord. It isn't right for you to use that murderous shell in this congress. The instruments used by persous are almost emblematic. They can become a part of themselves, an expression of their ideas and of their personality." Lord Pauneefote smiled, but said nothing. The following day bls critic, wanting to write something, turned to the Eng lish diplomat to borrow a pen. The embassador pulled out of bis pocket an old fashioned pen made of gray goose quill, and after the borrower had tin lslied said: "Monsieur, it isn’t right for you to use such all Instrument in this con gross. The instruments used by per sons are almost emblematic. They can become a part of themselves, an ex pression of their ideas, of their per sonality.” Not tillite (timpll nientary, A very ordinary looking nurse was exhibiting the new born sister to six year-old Bertie. “Look at the sweet little baby, my dear! Is she not pretty?” But Bertie, who lias been made pain fully aware from the servants of the household that the new' arrival will usurp bis past privileges as an only child, exclaimed with secret exulta tion : "Auntie says that pretty babies grow up ugly.” “Maybe they do,” assented the nurse, unable to forbear a smile. But the smile was lost ti|*on Bertie. He stood for a moment In meditative mood, and then, glancing up from ills contemplation of baby's features to those of the nurse, he said with child isti confidence: "Nurse, you must have been a very pretty baby!” A Brownins Anecdote. In the Cornhill Magazine, in an inter eating paper entitled "Ou a Few Con versatlonalists,” the writer tells an amusing story of Browning and how he received certain flowers from a lady, who, on being pressed to give their English names, shyly confessed they were called “bloody noses.” 1 bap pencil many years ago to be staying In a country house when Browning told this story in his Inimitable way, and lie ended with the following lines, which I then and there committed to memory, and which will, I think, inter est your readers: I'll deck my love with posies, I'll cover her with roses; Should she protest 1'11 do my best To give her bloody noses. —London Spectator. For Ingrowing Toe Tails. By far worse than corns, the ingrow ing toe nail makes life miserable for the man or woman, and no relief seems to come from paring the nail or in wad ding it with cotton. To give iustaut re lief to such pain a mixture used by the best physicians can be made as fol lows: Procure of the druggist one dram of muriatic acid and one drum of nitric acid ami one ounce of chloride of zinc. Have these mixed thoroughly by the druggist or perform the operation your self and apply one drop to the affected part once a day. It will not only give relief at once, but it will lust all day. The Oruuge In Spain. It is considered a very healthful thing to eat an orange before breakfast. But who can cut an orange well? One must go to Spain to see that done. The señorita cuts off the rind with her silier knife, then, putting her fork Into tile peeled fruit, she detaches every morsel with her pearly teeth aud con tlnues to eat the orange without losing a drop of the Juice and lays down the core with the fork still in it. Octopun For Dinner. Octopuses are pretty plentiful in Jap anese waters and have been known to attuck tishermen In their bouts. When this hideous monster assumes the aggressive, the only chance the tishermen have is to lop off the tenta cles of the beast. Failing this, the boat may be upset and the men dragged under. The octopus is highly valued in Japan us un article of food. The Esplnuntlon. Knox—I sat down in my easy chair lust night and picked up that new uovel of Scribbler’s uml 1 didn’t get to bed until -I this morning. Cox—The Idea! Why. I thought It awfully tiresome. Knox—Exactly! It was nearly 4 o'clock w hen I woke up in my chair. Diamond Fields of India. Diamond fields In India were known from the very earliest times. In th* sacred books of India eight localities are mentioned ns yielding diamonds, and of these three have been Identi fied nt tlie present day— Matanga (Kist nn and Godavery), Paunda (Ciiota Nag pur) mid Vena Gunga (Wairnghnri. The diamondlferous area of India, so far ns Is known, is perhaps more ex tensive than that of the rest of the world, mid nine-tenths of the famous jewels are Indian stones. Discovery of Iron. Teacher-Johnny, can you tell me how Iron was first discovered? Johnny—Yes, sir. "Well. Just tell the class wbnt your Information is on that point.” "I heard pa say yesterday flint they smelt It.”—Spare Moments. Oh. So Polite! "Politest people I ever knew down in that fever and ague country." remark ed the traveler. “In other places they shake hands when they greet you, but down there they shake all over.”—Chi cago Post. The time comes when one feels th« need of the slumber of death, as at th« end of n toilsome day one feels th« need of another sleep. There is nothing that adds to the at tractiveness of a place luore than trees, dowers and shrubbery, and yet you find so many plac«*s lacking this ieauty and comfort that can so readily lie acquired, particularly in t'aliifornia, where the different seasons need not tie taken into consideration. I hail occa sion to visit a school in the vicinity of one of our pr«s<|>erous country towns re cently, and I was surprised at the change that had lieen wrought in a few months’ time. Vines ami roses were clamliering up and over the (torch cov ered with sw«*et-scented blossoms and making it shady and comfortable. As if vieiug with the roses, a wealth of sweet peas of all colors and varieties clambered toward the roof of the school house clinging tenaciously to the st rings that had Iteen placed for their accom- modation by the teachers ami scholars. Clustersof lilies gew lieside the pump, and geraniums, roses, chrysanthemums, ox al is and mignonette grew luxuri antly in the yard, while the pink ivy- geianium and gay velvety uasturtions ran riot over the fence. Up the tlag- |s>le sweet peas twined themselves and many of the dainty-winged blossoms bore the colors of the stars and stripes, a fitting standard for “old glory.” In one little iKsik was planted our na tional (lower, the California poppy. It was au ideal playground for the chil dren, and they showed their apprecia tion in Hie care they t<s>k to avoid in juring the plants. The garden spot was the entire work of the teacher and children alter hc I kmi I hours, the scholars taking turns In assisting the teacher in caring tor them. The water had to lie pumped ami carried all over the yard, but the iioys had strong arms and will ing hearts and cousidertsl it a pleasure rather than a duty. Boys who had never eared for tlowers before grew to love th«* buds ami blossoms. The first year the teacher was in a quandary as to what she would do in regard to the plants during the vacation. She was going away, and undoubUslly the plants would nearly all perish before school o|s-ned again, but the scholars came to the rescue and removed all her doubts ami fears by promising to look after tiiem of their own free will. She knew that they would not abuse their trust ami gladly gave her consent. The re sult was so gratifying that now she never gives the yard a thought during her summer outing except to wonder what headway they will make during her absence. Sliesayssheis invariably surprised at their growth and the per fect order in which she finds every thing, for the little lads ami lassies seem to exert an influence over the plants, charming or coaxing them into renewed effort. She says one of the best day's work she ever did was when she started the flower garden around the little school house, and believes the tlowers have a refining influence over the children, and so does Polly. « « « « “June Bride’’: You say you threw your bridal bou«|iiet and it was caught by two of your «ieareat friends, and you want t<i know which one sliall claim the bouquet or sliall they draw for it. Of course tlie bouquet has had its day, but the boneof contention lies in regard to who sliall carry off' the honor of be ing the next bride who (s supposed to fall on the lucky party who catches the the bouquet thrown by the bride as she takes her departure. «««« The young ladies will have to try again, “June Bird,” for the omen was lost by your friends catching tlie I kiii - quet together. BRIEF REVIEW. Cause oi Baldness. Among tlie common causes of bald- noss—those which stand apart from actual disease of the hair—Dr. Andrew Wilson places in the first rank the habit which many men acquired' wet ting the hair every morning in their bath or when washing the face. What happens in such cases, he says, is that tlie natural oily secretion of the skin of the head is removed by tiie water, and the hairs are therefore deprived, to a large extent, as also is the skin, of the natural pomade, as it were, which the skin supplies. There are thousands of little glands in the skin called seba ceous glands, which produce an oily sulistance, keeping the skin supple, and as these glands <q>en into the sheaths of tlie hairs we may very naturally tie- lieve that they contribute to he hairs some sulistance iutended for their nour ishment and preservation. If, there fore, through any cause the natural oil of the scalp is removed -say by fre quent washing— the hairs, lieing de prived of their nourishment, tend to fail out. One of the most dismal ami forlorn places 1 have ever seen was a hand somely built mansion of gray stone and not a (lower, tree or shrub in the vicin ity. “What is the style of person you would think lived there, Polly?" asked a friend. "A man soured on the world, cross and erablied and hating his neighbor as he does himself, and de testing (lowers and everything beauti ful that could bring joy and refinement intohisunenviablelife.” I replied,“You are right.” He replied, *‘Tbat man is soured on the world. Just after he built this place his daughter fell in love witli the nicest kind of a young man. He came of a gm si family, was indus trious, and was climbing up in his posi tion, having the res(iect and confidence of liis employers. In fact, his only fault was his poverty. When the father saw that all Ins persuasion and threats would not turn his daughter from her puqioae of wedding the young man, after a stormy scene one night he turned her out of doors, throwing her «■lotlies after her ami disinheriting her. Why We Shake Hands. She was far from any place and hail to To shake hands with a person is re find her way the liest she could in the garded as a token of amity, but very «lark to the nearest house, which was few know how this custom arose. Ac some three miles distant. The daugh cording to a French ethnologist, when ter was the idol of the mother’s heart, ever two men met in former times they who bad long been an invalid from were accustomed to hold up their right heart disease. She begged and im hands in front of them as a sign that plored her husband to bring her back, they had no intention of attacking each and at least wait until morning liefore other. This mark of confidence, how driving her from home. He sent her to ever, did not prove sufficient in all tlie her room witli curses and barred the ca-es, for a man may hold up his riglit doors for fear she would follow the girl. hand, ami yet, if lie keeps it closed, may He need not have taken such precau have a wea|ion concealed in it, and, tions, for before morning deatli swept therefore it liecame the custom for tlie aside all barriersand set the imprisons«! two riglit hands to grasp each oilier, as soul free. Tlie daughter was not al only thus could full assurance be given lowed to gaze on tier lieloved mother’s that no wea|s>n was concealed in eitiier features for the last time. The only of them. Formerly, therefore, this ges consolation she lias is in visiting her ture, now the token of loyalty and of grave, for tlie old man cannot deny her friendship, was one of reciprocal peace. access to 'God’s acre.’ After the funeral the old man moved his be«i into the Between 40,000 and 50,000 women library and, save tlie kitchen and din* pass annually through the prisons of ing-nsmi, every other room in the England and Wales. Taking the fig house is locked and he never enteis ures for last y«*ar, it apjiears that 72 |>er them. Tlie «laughter is a widow with cent lied been previously convicted, 42 two little children in a near-by town per cent live times and more, and 15 and supports them by taking in sew per cent -about 7000 women—-twenty ing. Her father has never seen her times or more. since the night he turn«*«l her out of doors, but lives tlie embittered man Dr. Max Haeshofer of tbe Munich that he is in that old funeral pile of University says that society may lie rocks with only a Chinaman to ever held res|M>nsib)e, though only to a lim break the silence. There is not a cat, ited extent, for certain conditions of bird or dog aliout the premises, only life <-reat«*«i by it, into which it intro cows, and horses to do the work of the duces the individual and by which it place, and they are used to tlie curses oilers occasion to the degeneration of and snarls that fall from his lips. human impulses. It could lie made into a grand old place witli trees, tlowers, shrubs ami velvety Don’t broml over the past nor dream lawns, and the joyous laughter of his of the future, but seize the instant and little grand-children could make the get your lesson from the hour. long silent mansion ring with their childish glee, stirring his withered old Between friends frequent reproof heart into new life with a conscious makes the friendship distant. GETTING AWAY FROM HOME Th« Spirit of Reotl..,,,,, Desire For Chan*«. WASHINGTON LETTER NEW SHORT STORIES lb. Judging by a good deal of the con versatlon of the present day, there are a large number of people who have a ( positive horror of home. This curious ( rev ulsion of feeling is taken by many liersons as a sign of social deterlura tion. For our own part we find It ditfi cult to take It quite seriously or to see , in it anything more than a passing , whim. Nobody nowadays likes monotony. ( Imnge is what people desire—-not per bails any great change, but lots of f small change; not necessarily for the , better, but for its owu sake. Now, there is a great sameness aliout one’s i own four walls, be they ever so hand some. W e all feel at times an overpow «•ring desire to look at something else. We cannot change the patterns or the , pictures on them every day, and neither they nor tbe home furniture ever seems i to alter in expression. Again, there is a terrible sameness about one’s owu cook. Experience ena bles us to foretell tbe taste of every thing at home, from the soup to the sa vory if we are rich and from the mut ton to the cheese if we are poor; whereas if we dine at a restaurant everything down to tbe salt Is differ ent. mid the restaurant is refurnished dally with new faces. Then, again, the music and stir going on around one avoid tlie necessity for much conversation, and conversation in the home circle Is sometimes diffi Cult and sometimes dull. It does not «Io always just to say what on«* thinks. It is such bad practice for dining out. and. this being the case, it is not easy sometimes to think what to say. Nowadays we get, socially speaking, tired of our friends and even of our ac- quaintances. We want them to pass continually before us like a street pro cession. Instead of Hint they rather resemble a stage crowd ami keep com ing up again. There is a limit to those we know, a limit even to those we should like or should be likely to know even by sight, and at a restaurant tills latter limit is disregarded. Tlie barrier of good manners which forbids that those who are acquainted with one an other should speak is sufficient to pro tect our station or our dignity, but it is not a very high fence, and it is one which it is amusing to look over, Lon- don Spectator. The Mealcan Heaven. The ancient Mexican Idea of heaven, hell and tbe after state of souls is ex tremely curious ami interesting. Ac cording to their notions souls neither good nor bad. or whose virtues and vices balanced each other, were to en ter a medium state of idleness and empty content. The wicked or those dying any of a long list of different modes of death (which list was sacred- ly kept by the priests) went to Meltlau. a distant hall within the bowels of the earth. The souls of those struct by lightning or of those dying by any of a given list of diseases, also the souls of children, were transported to a re mote elysium called Tlalocan. The actual heaven was reserved for warriors who fell In battle, for women who died in defense of their children, for those offere«i as a sacrifice In the temples aud for a few others. After death, according to their belief, tlie soul passed immediately to the “house of the sun,” their chief god, whom they accompanied for a long term of years In his circuit around the sky. honoring him with song, dances and other forms of revelry. Then, being reanimated in the form of birds of brilliant plumage, they lived as beau tiful songsters among the flowers, among the stars, sometimes on earth, sometimes in heaven. Portait nene Kind to Aniiunln. Drinking fountains for man and beast are numerous in all towns in tbe Azores, writes a correspondent to tlie Baltimore Sun. and on all roads, and the laboring animals are well fed mid freely watered. The Influence of the Moors is certainly seen In this regurtl for the welfare of the mule and don key, and in no country save the home of tbe horse-the land of burnoose and sheiks-does one see animals so kindly treated as they are there. The Portu guese have a sayiug: "He who has no compassion for anlmuls lias no heart.” A Churchman*« Wit. Wayne MacVeagh, Archbishop Ryan and George B. Roberts, president of the Pennsylvania railroad, were fel low guests at a banquet given in tbe Union league several years before the death of Mr. Roberts. Mr. MacVeagh at the time was the legal adviser of tlie “Pennsy.” Some chaff iu tbe vermicu lar of railroading marked a passage in tbe conversation of tbe evening, and the lawyer, following up u compliment paid the prelate by the president, said: “Your grace, in return you might give the worthy Mr. Roberts a free pass to heaven.” “I should willingly do so,” responded his grace, "but for one reason—1 should not care to be the means of separating him from his counsel in the world be yond.”— Philadelphia Times. ««Rale Britannia** Variation««. One of the English papers gives the answers of certain board school boys who were asked to write down the whole or part of the chorus of "Rule Britannia." One of them gave tbe tirst line as “Royl Brick Tanner. Brick Tan ner rules the way,” a second began it with "Rore Britanier,” while a third attempted a whole verse. This was his version: "Tin* nations not so blest has he but still in stern but still stern to God most nil this was the ('belter the ('belter of tbe stail and God in Angles sang the Strung Bulblatanya biatanya woves the waves for Britains never wil be slain.” Easy- Eiumiih. Mr. Harry de Windt in liis book, “Finland as It Is," tells of a mot of Andree, the arctic explorer, Just be- fore his last voyage lie was driven to distraction at a dinner party by a talk atlve neighbor. "But how will you know, professor, when you have really crossed tlie north pole?" was one of the many silly ques tions. "Oil. that will be simple e'nougli, ma- dame.” replied Andree with bis well known dry humor. "A north wind will become a south one!” (Special Correspondence, j "Mina Vleredll !•'• I’rrirnt.” The presidential parrot objects to the remodeling of the White House. When the workmen assaulted the roof of the conservatory and begun remov ing the glass, tbe bird became wrathy aud abused the mechanics. She has a fluent vocabulary of vituperation, but her choicest epithets were learned In Cuba aud are expressed In elegant Castilian, so that the liner feelings of the workmen were not too much shocked. Still at every unpleasant noise Polly vociferated, "Shut up!' Finally tbe bird took to careering through tlie conservatory and fre quently In its rage biting off the small er branches of tlie plants. She was captured and tethered by a short string to a remote perch. Polly seemed to lie humiliated, as heretofore she lias bad the free range of tlie conservatory, After she boa me a chained prisoner her vivacity deserted her. When strangers approached, no vlo lent language was used. Polly bid her head under her wilig or drooped it be tween bi-r feet and simply muttered her wrath. This parrot is a native Cu ban and was sent to President Roose velt about six months ago. The tragic death of tbe novelist Paul Leicester Ford has recalled to those with knew him many anecdotes of his ways ami somewhat quaint sayiugs. Kate Douglas Wiggin, who was one If liis most intimate friends, both of them being aaaocinted in work in tbe college settlement uml the day mi raer ies, says: “1 remember when Mr. Ford first moved over to New York, Before that he had lived at ills father’s home iu Brooklyn, where 1 have frequently en- tere«l the great book lined library only to think tlie servant must have been mistaken who bad told me that the master of tbe house was at work there. He was so diminutive that It did not take a very high desk to hide him com pletely from view. Well, when be moved over there it was 'Janice Mere dith' that bud made him the money sufficient to build tlie house on Sev enty-seventh street, and he always re- ferred to that home as 'Miss Mere dith's present to me.' ” Another of the man’s queer habits was that of having three or four desks in the room where he did his writing. Whenever he grew tired of his work, or when perhaps the Inspiration ceased to move him, lie would get up, light a cigar, move over to some other desk and go ahead with fresh interest and success. A Tumble. Everybody knows the story in "The Texas Steer” of the applicant for office who began by living at the finest ho tels and smoking twenty-live cent ci gars and filially landed In the cheapest joint that lie could find. The story is Grant and Pettus. very nearly duplicated by tlie case of An interesting war time story is told a witness before one of tbe senate by Senator Bacon of Georgia. It Is committees who came here from Cali about Senator Pettus of Alabama. fornia. He traveled In style and upon arriving in Washington secured the most expensive quarters at a fashion able hotel. He drew $170 for mileage and expenses and proceeded to have a good time while be waited for the com mittee to examine him. Presently, however, his money was all gone. He appealed to the senate officials in vain for another advance and then discov ered that bis daily expenses were about three times as much ns the gov ernment would allow him Tlie rapid lt.v with which that witness gave up his expensive quarters and sought a small back room in a cheap lodging house was a caution. Solid Old Floor«. “The tearing up of the floors of the east room of the White House prepara tory to the improvements in the build ing has uncovered many indications of the age of the building." said au at tache of the executive mansion. "For instance, the planks of tlie floor of the east room must have been put down many years ago. and I don't suppose that new flooring has ever lieen put iu. The flooring was held to tlie big gir ders by means of iron cleats, which somewhat resemble a formidable mod ern nail. The bead is like that of a railroad spike, but tbe body is rather slender. There is no doubt tlint they were put In to stay and to bold tlie flooring. In other parts of the east room have been found handmade nails. The present generation does not know bow a handmade nail looks. There is a great demand for souvenirs from the work in the east room, but the fore man will not allow anything to be tak en away.” The President Off Duty. The president will not go away from Oyster Bay for any considerable length of time until the last of August, when he will visit Maine and New England states. Iu September be will be on railroad trains a good deal and also in October. His vacation, with *the ex ception of a few weeks early in Sep tember, will practically come to an end the last of August. Mayor William C. Maybury of De troit. accompanied by Senator McMil lan. saw the president the other day and completed arrangements for tlie visit of the latter to Detroit upon the occasion of tlie convention of tbe Span ish war veterans in that city in Sep tember. The president will arrive in Detroit Sunday morning. Sept. 21. go- iug there direct from Cincinnati, which city be will visit Sept. 20. Tbe presi dent will remain in Detroit until Mon day afternoon, the 22d. He will re view the parade of the Spanish war veterans and lias promised to address the convention. The iMlanlnK Word. THE GREAT JOKE, DEATH. Funny Side ut Dying O’»« " T-eated ot In Literature. "Death,” said a publisher, “has been treated humorously iu our literature often. Indeed I am quite sure that a collection of many thick volumes might be made under the title of ‘Death's .......... Funny Side.’ Thomas IIoo«l was one of our best writers of this sort of verse, Don't you remember his linllad on the young sailor who died h«*art- broken over his girl's unfaltli? The last stanza was: ••HI« death, which happened In his berth. At forty odd befell; They went and told the aexton. and Tiie Hexton tolled the bell. “Hood lid another ballad on tbe sub ject <«f a soldier who lost botli legs in battle, who was In <ons«*«|Uence Jilted by liis sweetheart and who tlieu hung himself. Now. that is rather tragic, is it not? it lias n bizarre but none tlie less poignant tragic note. Guy de Maupnstaut indeed once handled al most this same situation, but lie han dled it from tlie opposite viewpoint, and don't you remember how be nar rated tlie tirst. the crucial, meeting of the lovers after Beu Battle’s double amputation? “Rut when he called on Nellie Gray She made him quite a scoff. And when she saw his wooden legs Began to take them off. “This treatment drove Ben to de spair: “So round his melancholy neck A rope he did entwine And for the second time In life Enlisted in the line. "And there he hung till he was dead As any nail In town; For. though despair had cut him up. It could not cut him down. “There is a tremendous literature of humorous epitaphs. There must lie. 1 fancy. 10.000 of these, but two of them are all I can recall. The tirst goes: "Here lies tlie body of mild Maria; She went one day to start tiie tire, But the wood was green, So she used kerosene. And now she's where tiie fuel is drier. “The other is grimmer: “I.if-- is a lie. and all things show it: I thought so once, and now I know it. “Then there are songs on the side splitting aspects of death, some of which have caused tender hearted la dies to double up with mirth. ‘Jobuny .lom-s and His Sister Sue’ is one such song, anil I bet that six people out of ten in America know it by heart. "Yes." the publisher concluded, “un der the title of 'Death's Funny Side’ an anthology of many, many volumes could b«> imide. Tlie anthology should lie bound in black pigskin, with grin ning skulls and crossbones tooled iu gold on It."—Philadelphia Record. A Mailer of Principle. "I MUST DECLINE TO ANSWER. who. as everybody knows, was a gal lant officer in the Confederate army. In one of the buttles before Vicks burg Senator Pettus, then a colonel, was captured and carried as a prisoner liefore General Grant. "Colonel,” said Grant when the pris oner was brought before him, “what are those troops out in front of me?” “General,” replied Pettus, “I must decline to answer that question.” General Grant looked him in the eye for a moment. “You are right, colo nel,” be said. Then, turning to an officer near by, Grant said, “Take this gentleman to the rear and treat him kindly.” Senator Pettus has never forgotten that interview witli General Grant.— Washington Post. Magic In a Name. The old saying that the good which men do is oft interred with their bones does not hold good with the memory of the late Amos Cummings, as two mem bers of tlie congressional delegation which went over to his funeral can testify. These members, hailing a cab up town in New York, were driven down to the Cortlandt street ferry to take a train for Washington. The cabman charged them $3. They protested, and tlie dispute was referred to a nearby policeman. The officer decided In fa vor of the cabman. “Pay the $3,” he said to the two statesmen, “or I will take you to the station.” Tlie two representatives became an grier every minute. The policeman was flrm. “When you come to New York for a good time," he said Anally, “you must expect to pay for it.” "Good time?” echoed one of the con gressmen. “We came over here to help bury our old friend. Amos Cum mings.” “Amos Cummlngs,” repeated the po- liceman. "God bless him! Cabby, take a dollar aud get away from here quick!” So the congressmen gave tbe cabby n dollar and came home. “Why is it." says the girl, "that in giving an account of an accident they always give the age of the person in jured? I can see the sense of their talking about blonds and brunettes, a mustache or full beard if it is a man or a red, green or blue gown if it is a1 woman, for that is a means of identifi cation for acquaintances and friends who may be interested. They don’t even put the age in the death notices now. but if you meet with an accident out it comes in all the papers in town. But they will never publish mine. I have it on my mind every time I cross th«* street, and when there is a particu larly bad crowd I say to myself. "Now, remember. If you are run over here, no matter how badly hurt, you are to wr member never to tell your age. it's a matter of principle.” — New York Timos. Itejeeted Fortune«. Professor Bell had a strenuous time over ills invention of tlie telephone. He took tin* tirst working model of bis instrument to John A. Logan and of fered him a half interest for $2.500, saying that it would do away witli tlie t«*legi*apli ami dial there would lie mil lions iu it. Logan replied: "1 dare say your machine works perfectly, but who would want to talk through such a tiling as that, anyway? I advise you to save your money, young man.” Bell then offered a tenth interest to au ex aminer in tlie patent office for $100 In cash. It was refused. That tenth in terest was worth $1.600,000 in fifteen years.-.Pearson's. ■lather Airy. Mr. Loudensiager of New Jersey “There is an acquaintance of mine.” wanted to put some lettering on the I-. marked the doctor, “who gives him door of bls committee room on pen self airs because lie was given up to sions. The house carpenter had Just «lie thirty years ago and has kept him bung two fine swinging mahogany seif alive till now by taking oxygen.” screen doors, such as ail the other "How old is he now?” asked the pro chairmen of committees are having, fessor. and the house painter was then called in. The doors were not broad euough “Over eighty.” "lie's what you would call au oxyge- to write out In large letters tbe entire iiarian. Is he?” said the professor, look name. On tbe left door the painter in ing at him with half shut eyes.—Chica scribed, “Com. on” and then went away to lunch. go Tribune. Scores of people stared at the pe An Approprlat«- Name. culiar words. They thought it might “It Is a pretty mime,” tlie lrapres- be “come ou” and were wondering Rionnlde traveler murmured, "but tell whether a green goods man bad been me wliy do they call you Munita?” established inside or whether it was Door Opened the Wrong War. Tiler«* was an arch smile ou tbe sav some sort of a hospitable invitation to This story is told of Miss Evelyn (walk In. Millard, an English actress of promi age maiden's face. | "Evl«l«*ntly,” she said ns she signaled Later the painter returned from his nence: lunch, and ou the other door he wrpte She was playing in a melodrama, and to her brothers, who were concealed In another word, which gave the sen 111 one of her scenes she was alone with i th* brush witli clubs, “you do not tence a different turn It then read, the villain, who locked the door and know our favorite food.” “Com. on Pensions.” then announced in tbe usual style, SiiNpected It. "Aha, proud damsel, you are in my ConsrefifilonRl Cliniifrra. Cashier— I can't honor tlint check, New faces will be numerous In the power,” etc., etc. Miss Millard rushed next house delegation from New York. at the door, beat upon it violently and r.iadmn. Your husband's account Is Three veterans, all good business men was immediately precipitated out of | overdrawn, Woman—Huh! Overdrawn. Is it? I —Mr. Stewart, n member of (lie Dis sight of tbe audience, while a voice in trict committee; Mr. Emerson and Mr. tbe wings said loudly, "Bless me, I suspected something was wrong when Llttauer-i-were thrown into oue con forgot to warn the lady that that ’ere ' lie signed this cheek without waitiug for me to get the hysterics. gressional district by the Empire State door opened the wrong way!” legislature. Emerson; who Is the wit of the New Morlaagea. Potato Sonffle. York contingent, and Stewart have Did It ever occur to you how much To make potato souffle, add to two yielded. They will return to their large cupfuls of smooth and well seasoned po ' harder it is to lift a mortgage than it is manufacturing enterprises. Mr. Llt- tatoes yolks of two eggs: stir over tire to raise one? Boston Transcript. tauer, the head of tbe great establish until eggs are heated through; when ment for tlie manufacture of glove«, cool, beat in lightly whites of eggs Ever notice that when you purticu- will have tlie nomination. beaten stiff; turn Into pudding dish I iurly try to lie entertaining you gos- CARL SCHOFIELD. and brown In hot oven. fip mor«'? Atchison Globe. Krrpliis Ip Wl«h Fate. At a Dlaconnt. ' Edward." site sighed, "when 1 read , “You will bo married within a year.’ continm-d the fortune teller "Dear your notes my hopes are raised toward me!" exclaimed the Indy, who was ai happiness." "Yes." he answered moodily. "I never ready married. “I shall have to begin «llvorce proceedings at once.” Boston was able to raise anything on my notes except hope.” Post. The raising of the instrument sheltc. At Newcastle (England! assizes Jus tlce Ridley Imposed a fine of $5(1 or. (lie of the weather bureau In New York coin’ attendant for failure to have the city from an elevation of 150 feet courtHsim sufficiently lighted. A threat above tbe street to an elevation of 300 of the mine kind by Justice Lawrence feet has caused au apparent lowering at Leeds assizes led to prompt illumi of tbe mean annual temperature of 2lj degrees. nation The Little Thing«. "That great matters are not always I the most important is evidenced.” re marked tlie stork, "by the fact that my fame and reputation are due solely to my strict attention to very little things.”—Colorado Springs Gazette. Cheating the Doctor. Mrs. Trotter—I hear that Mrs. Bur- low's three children have the measles. Mrs. Faster—Yes; so I understand. They're so poor they bn veto economize ou tbe doctor by all getting III at once.