BANDON RECORDER.
f POLLY LARKIN 1
ness t hat he hail done the right thing,
but it is never to lie in his time.
» » » •
lb________________________ J
The residents of Ephraim, Utah, cer
tainly kuow the way to a child’s heart
and the best way to briug out good re
sults. There has never been a time
when the announcement that “tickets
for admission” to some entertainment
would not arouse all the boyish enthu
siasm |>ent up in the heart of the small
boy. Nothing was too irksome to gain
the reward, even If it was to some very
or«linary show and not worth tlie pa|o*r
the tickets were printed on. The boy
whose liack was, to use his expression,
"nearly broken in two” by carrying a
couple buckets of water or an armful of
wtssl into the kitchen for his mother,
would steal away from school and
cheerfully carry a dozen buckets of wa
ter any distance to appease the thirst of
tlie elephant and receive a ticket for
the circus, not counting tlie little re
ward he usually received when he got
home for playing hisikey from school.
(')iastisement didn’t count when a cir
cus was in town The residents of
Ephraim believed tiiat tlie ticket of ad
mission might work with the grown-up
boys as well, s«i they announced that
they would give a series of entertain
ments, the first to Is* a dance, and the
admission would tie half a bushel of
grasshoppers. Asa result seventy-live
half bushels of grasshoppers were pre
sented to the ticket man at the door,
and the evening was spent merrily
enough after the dance. The “society
hoppers," as one of them expressed it,
gathered round an immense Isiufire
into which were tossed the seventy-tive
bushels of grasshoppers for cremation.
A standing rewarti of $1 a bushel was
ottered by the city officials for the
young grasshopiiers. Everything pos
sible was done to catch the young in
sects before they liegan to tly, and tiie
citizens banded together to destroy
them ami prevent a repetition of last
year, when the grasshoppers swept
Ephriam, the agricultural center of
San Pete county, of all verdure. They
have taken novel methods to exter
minate tlie pests, and it seems to lie
working like a charm, and men women
ami children are all taking a hand in
the good work.
• » • »
Til For Tat.
Ill the prove congress at The Hague
Lord Puuncefote attracted the atten
thin of th>' delegates by taking uotes
with a fountain pen the handle of
which was formed by the shell of a
dumdum bullet. One day the represent
atlve of a foreign power, excited by
the heat of the discussion in the inter
ests of eternal peace, said to him
sharply:
"My lord. It isn't right for you to use
that murderous shell in this congress.
The instruments used by persous are
almost emblematic. They can become
a part of themselves, an expression of
their ideas and of their personality."
Lord Pauneefote smiled, but said
nothing.
The following day bls critic, wanting
to write something, turned to the Eng
lish diplomat to borrow a pen. The
embassador pulled out of bis pocket an
old fashioned pen made of gray goose
quill, and after the borrower had tin
lslied said:
"Monsieur, it isn’t right for you to
use such all Instrument in this con
gross. The instruments used by per
sons are almost emblematic. They can
become a part of themselves, an ex
pression of their ideas, of their per
sonality.”
Not tillite (timpll nientary,
A very ordinary looking nurse was
exhibiting the new born sister to six
year-old Bertie.
“Look at the sweet little baby, my
dear! Is she not pretty?”
But Bertie, who lias been made pain
fully aware from the servants of the
household that the new' arrival will
usurp bis past privileges as an only
child, exclaimed with secret exulta
tion :
"Auntie says that pretty babies grow
up ugly.”
“Maybe they do,” assented the nurse,
unable to forbear a smile.
But the smile was lost ti|*on Bertie.
He stood for a moment In meditative
mood, and then, glancing up from ills
contemplation of baby's features to
those of the nurse, he said with child
isti confidence:
"Nurse, you must have been a very
pretty baby!”
A Brownins Anecdote.
In the Cornhill Magazine, in an inter
eating paper entitled "Ou a Few Con
versatlonalists,” the writer tells an
amusing story of Browning and how
he received certain flowers from a lady,
who, on being pressed to give their
English names, shyly confessed they
were called “bloody noses.” 1 bap
pencil many years ago to be staying In
a country house when Browning told
this story in his Inimitable way, and
lie ended with the following lines,
which I then and there committed to
memory, and which will, I think, inter
est your readers:
I'll deck my love with posies,
I'll cover her with roses;
Should she protest
1'11 do my best
To give her bloody noses.
—London Spectator.
For Ingrowing Toe Tails.
By far worse than corns, the ingrow
ing toe nail makes life miserable for the
man or woman, and no relief seems to
come from paring the nail or in wad
ding it with cotton. To give iustaut re
lief to such pain a mixture used by the
best physicians can be made as fol
lows: Procure of the druggist one dram
of muriatic acid and one drum of nitric
acid ami one ounce of chloride of zinc.
Have these mixed thoroughly by the
druggist or perform the operation your
self and apply one drop to the affected
part once a day. It will not only give
relief at once, but it will lust all day.
The Oruuge In Spain.
It is considered a very healthful thing
to eat an orange before breakfast. But
who can cut an orange well? One
must go to Spain to see that done. The
señorita cuts off the rind with her
silier knife, then, putting her fork Into
tile peeled fruit, she detaches every
morsel with her pearly teeth aud con
tlnues to eat the orange without losing
a drop of the Juice and lays down the
core with the fork still in it.
Octopun For Dinner.
Octopuses are pretty plentiful in Jap
anese waters and have been known
to attuck tishermen In their bouts.
When this hideous monster assumes
the aggressive, the only chance the
tishermen have is to lop off the tenta
cles of the beast. Failing this, the
boat may be upset and the men
dragged under. The octopus is highly
valued in Japan us un article of food.
The Esplnuntlon.
Knox—I sat down in my easy chair
lust night and picked up that new uovel
of Scribbler’s uml 1 didn’t get to bed
until -I this morning.
Cox—The Idea! Why. I thought It
awfully tiresome.
Knox—Exactly! It was nearly 4
o'clock w hen I woke up in my chair.
Diamond Fields of India.
Diamond fields In India were known
from the very earliest times. In th*
sacred books of India eight localities
are mentioned ns yielding diamonds,
and of these three have been Identi
fied nt tlie present day— Matanga (Kist
nn and Godavery), Paunda (Ciiota Nag
pur) mid Vena Gunga (Wairnghnri.
The diamondlferous area of India, so
far ns Is known, is perhaps more ex
tensive than that of the rest of the
world, mid nine-tenths of the famous
jewels are Indian stones.
Discovery of Iron.
Teacher-Johnny, can you tell me
how Iron was first discovered?
Johnny—Yes, sir.
"Well. Just tell the class wbnt your
Information is on that point.”
"I heard pa say yesterday flint they
smelt It.”—Spare Moments.
Oh. So Polite!
"Politest people I ever knew down in
that fever and ague country." remark
ed the traveler. “In other places they
shake hands when they greet you, but
down there they shake all over.”—Chi
cago Post.
The time comes when one feels th«
need of the slumber of death, as at th«
end of n toilsome day one feels th«
need of another sleep.
There is nothing that adds to the at
tractiveness of a place luore than trees,
dowers and shrubbery, and yet you
find so many plac«*s lacking this ieauty
and comfort that can so readily lie
acquired, particularly in t'aliifornia,
where the different seasons need not tie
taken into consideration. I hail occa
sion to visit a school in the vicinity of
one of our pr«s<|>erous country towns re
cently, and I was surprised at the
change that had lieen wrought in a few
months’ time. Vines ami roses were
clamliering up and over the (torch cov
ered with sw«*et-scented blossoms and
making it shady and comfortable. As
if vieiug with the roses, a wealth of
sweet peas of all colors and varieties
clambered toward the roof of the school
house clinging tenaciously to the st rings
that had Iteen placed for their accom-
modation by the teachers ami scholars.
Clustersof lilies gew lieside the pump,
and geraniums, roses, chrysanthemums,
ox al is and mignonette grew luxuri
antly in the yard, while the pink ivy-
geianium and gay velvety uasturtions
ran riot over the fence. Up the tlag-
|s>le sweet peas twined themselves and
many of the dainty-winged blossoms
bore the colors of the stars and stripes,
a fitting standard for “old glory.” In
one little iKsik was planted our na
tional (lower, the California poppy. It
was au ideal playground for the chil
dren, and they showed their apprecia
tion in Hie care they t<s>k to avoid in
juring the plants. The garden spot
was the entire work of the teacher and
children alter hc I kmi I hours, the scholars
taking turns In assisting the teacher in
caring tor them. The water had to lie
pumped ami carried all over the yard,
but the iioys had strong arms and will
ing hearts and cousidertsl it a pleasure
rather than a duty. Boys who had
never eared for tlowers before grew to
love th«* buds ami blossoms. The first
year the teacher was in a quandary as
to what she would do in regard to the
plants during the vacation. She was
going away, and undoubUslly the plants
would nearly all perish before school
o|s-ned again, but the scholars came to
the rescue and removed all her doubts
ami fears by promising to look after
tiiem of their own free will. She knew
that they would not abuse their trust
ami gladly gave her consent. The re
sult was so gratifying that now she
never gives the yard a thought during
her summer outing except to wonder
what headway they will make during
her absence. Sliesayssheis invariably
surprised at their growth and the per
fect order in which she finds every
thing, for the little lads ami lassies
seem to exert an influence over the
plants, charming or coaxing them into
renewed effort. She says one of the
best day's work she ever did was when
she started the flower garden around
the little school house, and believes the
tlowers have a refining influence over
the children, and so does Polly.
« « « «
“June Bride’’: You say you threw
your bridal bou«|iiet and it was caught
by two of your «ieareat friends, and you
want t<i know which one sliall claim
the bouquet or sliall they draw for it.
Of course tlie bouquet has had its day,
but the boneof contention lies in regard
to who sliall carry off' the honor of be
ing the next bride who (s supposed to
fall on the lucky party who catches the
the bouquet thrown by the bride as she
takes her departure.
««««
The young ladies will have to try
again, “June Bird,” for the omen was
lost by your friends catching tlie I kiii -
quet together.
BRIEF REVIEW.
Cause oi Baldness.
Among tlie common causes of bald-
noss—those which stand apart from
actual disease of the hair—Dr. Andrew
Wilson places in the first rank the
habit which many men acquired' wet
ting the hair every morning in their
bath or when washing the face. What
happens in such cases, he says, is that
tlie natural oily secretion of the skin of
the head is removed by tiie water, and
the hairs are therefore deprived, to a
large extent, as also is the skin, of the
natural pomade, as it were, which the
skin supplies. There are thousands of
little glands in the skin called seba
ceous glands, which produce an oily
sulistance, keeping the skin supple, and
as these glands <q>en into the sheaths of
tlie hairs we may very naturally tie-
lieve that they contribute to he hairs
some sulistance iutended for their nour
ishment and preservation. If, there
fore, through any cause the natural oil
of the scalp is removed -say by fre
quent washing— the hairs, lieing de
prived of their nourishment, tend to
fail out.
One of the most dismal ami forlorn
places 1 have ever seen was a hand
somely built mansion of gray stone and
not a (lower, tree or shrub in the vicin
ity. “What is the style of person you
would think lived there, Polly?" asked
a friend. "A man soured on the world,
cross and erablied and hating his
neighbor as he does himself, and de
testing (lowers and everything beauti
ful that could bring joy and refinement
intohisunenviablelife.” I replied,“You
are right.” He replied, *‘Tbat man
is soured on the world. Just after he
built this place his daughter fell in love
witli the nicest kind of a young man.
He came of a gm si family, was indus
trious, and was climbing up in his posi
tion, having the res(iect and confidence
of liis employers. In fact, his only fault
was his poverty. When the father saw
that all Ins persuasion and threats
would not turn his daughter from her
puqioae of wedding the young man,
after a stormy scene one night he
turned her out of doors, throwing her
«■lotlies after her ami disinheriting her.
Why We Shake Hands.
She was far from any place and hail to
To shake hands with a person is re
find her way the liest she could in the garded as a token of amity, but very
«lark to the nearest house, which was few know how this custom arose. Ac
some three miles distant. The daugh cording to a French ethnologist, when
ter was the idol of the mother’s heart, ever two men met in former times they
who bad long been an invalid from were accustomed to hold up their right
heart disease. She begged and im hands in front of them as a sign that
plored her husband to bring her back, they had no intention of attacking each
and at least wait until morning liefore other. This mark of confidence, how
driving her from home. He sent her to ever, did not prove sufficient in all tlie
her room witli curses and barred the ca-es, for a man may hold up his riglit
doors for fear she would follow the girl. hand, ami yet, if lie keeps it closed, may
He need not have taken such precau have a wea|ion concealed in it, and,
tions, for before morning deatli swept therefore it liecame the custom for tlie
aside all barriersand set the imprisons«! two riglit hands to grasp each oilier, as
soul free. Tlie daughter was not al only thus could full assurance be given
lowed to gaze on tier lieloved mother’s that no wea|s>n was concealed in eitiier
features for the last time. The only of them. Formerly, therefore, this ges
consolation she lias is in visiting her ture, now the token of loyalty and of
grave, for tlie old man cannot deny her friendship, was one of reciprocal peace.
access to 'God’s acre.’ After the funeral
the old man moved his be«i into the
Between 40,000 and 50,000 women
library and, save tlie kitchen and din* pass annually through the prisons of
ing-nsmi, every other room in the England and Wales. Taking the fig
house is locked and he never enteis ures for last y«*ar, it apjiears that 72 |>er
them. Tlie «laughter is a widow with cent lied been previously convicted, 42
two little children in a near-by town per cent live times and more, and 15
and supports them by taking in sew per cent -about 7000 women—-twenty
ing. Her father has never seen her times or more.
since the night he turn«*«l her out of
doors, but lives tlie embittered man
Dr. Max Haeshofer of tbe Munich
that he is in that old funeral pile of University says that society may lie
rocks with only a Chinaman to ever held res|M>nsib)e, though only to a lim
break the silence. There is not a cat, ited extent, for certain conditions of
bird or dog aliout the premises, only life <-reat«*«i by it, into which it intro
cows, and horses to do the work of the duces the individual and by which it
place, and they are used to tlie curses oilers occasion to the degeneration of
and snarls that fall from his lips. human impulses.
It could lie made into a grand old place
witli trees, tlowers, shrubs ami velvety
Don’t broml over the past nor dream
lawns, and the joyous laughter of his of the future, but seize the instant and
little grand-children could make the get your lesson from the hour.
long silent mansion ring with their
childish glee, stirring his withered old
Between friends frequent reproof
heart into new life with a conscious makes the friendship distant.
GETTING AWAY FROM HOME
Th« Spirit of Reotl..,,,,,
Desire For Chan*«.
WASHINGTON LETTER NEW SHORT STORIES
lb.
Judging by a good deal of the con
versatlon of the present day, there are
a large number of people who have a (
positive horror of home. This curious (
rev ulsion of feeling is taken by many
liersons as a sign of social deterlura
tion. For our own part we find It ditfi
cult to take It quite seriously or to see ,
in it anything more than a passing ,
whim.
Nobody nowadays likes monotony.
( Imnge is what people desire—-not per
bails any great change, but lots of f
small change; not necessarily for the ,
better, but for its owu sake. Now,
there is a great sameness aliout one’s i
own four walls, be they ever so hand
some. W e all feel at times an overpow
«•ring desire to look at something else.
We cannot change the patterns or the ,
pictures on them every day, and neither
they nor tbe home furniture ever seems i
to alter in expression.
Again, there is a terrible sameness
about one’s owu cook. Experience ena
bles us to foretell tbe taste of every
thing at home, from the soup to the sa
vory if we are rich and from the mut
ton to the cheese if we are poor;
whereas if we dine at a restaurant
everything down to tbe salt Is differ
ent. mid the restaurant is refurnished
dally with new faces.
Then, again, the music and stir going
on around one avoid tlie necessity for
much conversation, and conversation
in the home circle Is sometimes diffi
Cult and sometimes dull. It does not «Io
always just to say what on«* thinks. It
is such bad practice for dining out.
and. this being the case, it is not easy
sometimes to think what to say.
Nowadays we get, socially speaking,
tired of our friends and even of our ac-
quaintances. We want them to pass
continually before us like a street pro
cession. Instead of Hint they rather
resemble a stage crowd ami keep com
ing up again. There is a limit to those
we know, a limit even to those we
should like or should be likely to know
even by sight, and at a restaurant tills
latter limit is disregarded. Tlie barrier
of good manners which forbids that
those who are acquainted with one an
other should speak is sufficient to pro
tect our station or our dignity, but it
is not a very high fence, and it is one
which it is amusing to look over, Lon-
don Spectator.
The Mealcan Heaven.
The ancient Mexican Idea of heaven,
hell and tbe after state of souls is ex
tremely curious ami interesting. Ac
cording to their notions souls neither
good nor bad. or whose virtues and
vices balanced each other, were to en
ter a medium state of idleness and
empty content. The wicked or those
dying any of a long list of different
modes of death (which list was sacred-
ly kept by the priests) went to Meltlau.
a distant hall within the bowels of the
earth. The souls of those struct by
lightning or of those dying by any of
a given list of diseases, also the souls
of children, were transported to a re
mote elysium called Tlalocan.
The actual heaven was reserved for
warriors who fell In battle, for women
who died in defense of their children,
for those offere«i as a sacrifice In the
temples aud for a few others. After
death, according to their belief, tlie
soul passed immediately to the “house
of the sun,” their chief god, whom
they accompanied for a long term of
years In his circuit around the sky.
honoring him with song, dances and
other forms of revelry. Then, being
reanimated in the form of birds of
brilliant plumage, they lived as beau
tiful songsters among the flowers,
among the stars, sometimes on earth,
sometimes in heaven.
Portait nene Kind to Aniiunln.
Drinking fountains for man and
beast are numerous in all towns in tbe
Azores, writes a correspondent to tlie
Baltimore Sun. and on all roads, and
the laboring animals are well fed mid
freely watered. The Influence of the
Moors is certainly seen In this regurtl
for the welfare of the mule and don
key, and in no country save the home
of tbe horse-the land of burnoose and
sheiks-does one see animals so kindly
treated as they are there. The Portu
guese have a sayiug: "He who has no
compassion for anlmuls lias no heart.”
A Churchman*« Wit.
Wayne MacVeagh, Archbishop Ryan
and George B. Roberts, president of
the Pennsylvania railroad, were fel
low guests at a banquet given in tbe
Union league several years before the
death of Mr. Roberts. Mr. MacVeagh
at the time was the legal adviser of tlie
“Pennsy.” Some chaff iu tbe vermicu
lar of railroading marked a passage in
tbe conversation of tbe evening, and
the lawyer, following up u compliment
paid the prelate by the president, said:
“Your grace, in return you might
give the worthy Mr. Roberts a free
pass to heaven.”
“I should willingly do so,” responded
his grace, "but for one reason—1 should
not care to be the means of separating
him from his counsel in the world be
yond.”— Philadelphia Times.
««Rale Britannia** Variation««.
One of the English papers gives the
answers of certain board school boys
who were asked to write down the
whole or part of the chorus of "Rule
Britannia." One of them gave tbe tirst
line as “Royl Brick Tanner. Brick Tan
ner rules the way,” a second began it
with "Rore Britanier,” while a third
attempted a whole verse. This was his
version: "Tin* nations not so blest has
he but still in stern but still stern to
God most nil this was the ('belter the
('belter of tbe stail and God in Angles
sang the Strung Bulblatanya biatanya
woves the waves for Britains never wil
be slain.”
Easy- Eiumiih.
Mr. Harry de Windt in liis book,
“Finland as It Is," tells of a mot of
Andree, the arctic explorer, Just be-
fore his last voyage lie was driven to
distraction at a dinner party by a talk
atlve neighbor.
"But how will you know, professor,
when you have really crossed tlie north
pole?" was one of the many silly ques
tions.
"Oil. that will be simple e'nougli, ma-
dame.” replied Andree with bis well
known dry humor. "A north wind will
become a south one!”
(Special Correspondence, j
"Mina Vleredll !•'• I’rrirnt.”
The presidential parrot objects to
the remodeling of the White House.
When the workmen assaulted the roof
of the conservatory and begun remov
ing the glass, tbe bird became wrathy
aud abused the mechanics. She has a
fluent vocabulary of vituperation, but
her choicest epithets were learned In
Cuba aud are expressed In elegant
Castilian, so that the liner feelings of
the workmen were not too much
shocked. Still at every unpleasant
noise Polly vociferated, "Shut up!'
Finally tbe bird took to careering
through tlie conservatory and fre
quently In its rage biting off the small
er branches of tlie plants. She was
captured and tethered by a short string
to a remote perch. Polly seemed to lie
humiliated, as heretofore she lias bad
the free range of tlie conservatory,
After she boa me a chained prisoner
her vivacity deserted her.
When strangers approached, no vlo
lent language was used. Polly bid her
head under her wilig or drooped it be
tween bi-r feet and simply muttered
her wrath. This parrot is a native Cu
ban and was sent to President Roose
velt about six months ago.
The tragic death of tbe novelist Paul
Leicester Ford has recalled to those
with knew him many anecdotes of his
ways ami somewhat quaint sayiugs.
Kate Douglas Wiggin, who was one
If liis most intimate friends, both of
them being aaaocinted in work in tbe
college settlement uml the day mi raer
ies, says:
“1 remember when Mr. Ford first
moved over to New York, Before that
he had lived at ills father’s home iu
Brooklyn, where 1 have frequently en-
tere«l the great book lined library only
to think tlie servant must have been
mistaken who bad told me that the
master of tbe house was at work there.
He was so diminutive that It did not
take a very high desk to hide him com
pletely from view. Well, when be
moved over there it was 'Janice Mere
dith' that bud made him the money
sufficient to build tlie house on Sev
enty-seventh street, and he always re-
ferred to that home as 'Miss Mere
dith's present to me.' ”
Another of the man’s queer habits
was that of having three or four desks
in the room where he did his writing.
Whenever he grew tired of his work,
or when perhaps the Inspiration ceased
to move him, lie would get up, light a
cigar, move over to some other desk
and go ahead with fresh interest and
success.
A Tumble.
Everybody knows the story in "The
Texas Steer” of the applicant for office
who began by living at the finest ho
tels and smoking twenty-live cent ci
gars and filially landed In the cheapest
joint that lie could find. The story is
Grant and Pettus.
very nearly duplicated by tlie case of
An interesting war time story is told
a witness before one of tbe senate by Senator Bacon of Georgia. It Is
committees who came here from Cali about Senator Pettus of Alabama.
fornia. He traveled In style and upon
arriving in Washington secured the
most expensive quarters at a fashion
able hotel. He drew $170 for mileage
and expenses and proceeded to have a
good time while be waited for the com
mittee to examine him. Presently,
however, his money was all gone. He
appealed to the senate officials in vain
for another advance and then discov
ered that bis daily expenses were
about three times as much ns the gov
ernment would allow him Tlie rapid
lt.v with which that witness gave up
his expensive quarters and sought a
small back room in a cheap lodging
house was a caution.
Solid Old Floor«.
“The tearing up of the floors of the
east room of the White House prepara
tory to the improvements in the build
ing has uncovered many indications
of the age of the building." said au at
tache of the executive mansion. "For
instance, the planks of tlie floor of the
east room must have been put down
many years ago. and I don't suppose
that new flooring has ever lieen put iu.
The flooring was held to tlie big gir
ders by means of iron cleats, which
somewhat resemble a formidable mod
ern nail. The bead is like that of a
railroad spike, but tbe body is rather
slender. There is no doubt tlint they
were put In to stay and to bold tlie
flooring. In other parts of the east
room have been found handmade nails.
The present generation does not know
bow a handmade nail looks. There is
a great demand for souvenirs from the
work in the east room, but the fore
man will not allow anything to be tak
en away.”
The President Off Duty.
The president will not go away from
Oyster Bay for any considerable length
of time until the last of August, when
he will visit Maine and New England
states. Iu September be will be on
railroad trains a good deal and also in
October. His vacation, with *the ex
ception of a few weeks early in Sep
tember, will practically come to an end
the last of August.
Mayor William C. Maybury of De
troit. accompanied by Senator McMil
lan. saw the president the other day
and completed arrangements for tlie
visit of the latter to Detroit upon the
occasion of tlie convention of tbe Span
ish war veterans in that city in Sep
tember. The president will arrive in
Detroit Sunday morning. Sept. 21. go-
iug there direct from Cincinnati, which
city be will visit Sept. 20. Tbe presi
dent will remain in Detroit until Mon
day afternoon, the 22d. He will re
view the parade of the Spanish war
veterans and lias promised to address
the convention.
The iMlanlnK Word.
THE GREAT JOKE, DEATH.
Funny Side ut Dying O’»« " T-eated
ot In Literature.
"Death,” said a publisher, “has been
treated humorously iu our literature
often. Indeed I am quite sure that a
collection of many thick volumes might
be made under the title of ‘Death's
..........
Funny Side.’ Thomas IIoo«l was one
of our best writers of this sort of
verse, Don't you remember his linllad
on the young sailor who died h«*art-
broken over his girl's unfaltli? The
last stanza was:
••HI« death, which happened In his berth.
At forty odd befell;
They went and told the aexton. and
Tiie Hexton tolled the bell.
“Hood lid another ballad on tbe sub
ject <«f a soldier who lost botli legs in
battle, who was In <ons«*«|Uence Jilted
by liis sweetheart and who tlieu hung
himself. Now. that is rather tragic, is
it not? it lias n bizarre but none tlie
less poignant tragic note. Guy de
Maupnstaut indeed once handled al
most this same situation, but lie han
dled it from tlie opposite viewpoint,
and don't you remember how be nar
rated tlie tirst. the crucial, meeting of
the lovers after Beu Battle’s double
amputation?
“Rut when he called on Nellie Gray
She made him quite a scoff.
And when she saw his wooden legs
Began to take them off.
“This treatment drove Ben to de
spair:
“So round his melancholy neck
A rope he did entwine
And for the second time In life
Enlisted in the line.
"And there he hung till he was dead
As any nail In town;
For. though despair had cut him up.
It could not cut him down.
“There is a tremendous literature of
humorous epitaphs. There must lie. 1
fancy. 10.000 of these, but two of them
are all I can recall. The tirst goes:
"Here lies tlie body of mild Maria;
She went one day to start tiie tire,
But the wood was green,
So she used kerosene.
And now she's where tiie fuel is drier.
“The other is grimmer:
“I.if-- is a lie. and all things show it:
I thought so once, and now I know it.
“Then there are songs on the side
splitting aspects of death, some of
which have caused tender hearted la
dies to double up with mirth. ‘Jobuny
.lom-s and His Sister Sue’ is one such
song, anil I bet that six people out of
ten in America know it by heart.
"Yes." the publisher concluded, “un
der the title of 'Death's Funny Side’ an
anthology of many, many volumes
could b«> imide. Tlie anthology should
lie bound in black pigskin, with grin
ning skulls and crossbones tooled iu
gold on It."—Philadelphia Record.
A Mailer of Principle.
"I MUST DECLINE TO ANSWER.
who. as everybody knows, was a gal
lant officer in the Confederate army.
In one of the buttles before Vicks
burg Senator Pettus, then a colonel,
was captured and carried as a prisoner
liefore General Grant.
"Colonel,” said Grant when the pris
oner was brought before him, “what
are those troops out in front of me?”
“General,” replied Pettus, “I must
decline to answer that question.”
General Grant looked him in the eye
for a moment. “You are right, colo
nel,” be said. Then, turning to an
officer near by, Grant said, “Take this
gentleman to the rear and treat him
kindly.”
Senator Pettus has never forgotten
that interview witli General Grant.—
Washington Post.
Magic In a Name.
The old saying that the good which
men do is oft interred with their bones
does not hold good with the memory of
the late Amos Cummings, as two mem
bers of tlie congressional delegation
which went over to his funeral can
testify.
These members, hailing a cab up
town in New York, were driven down
to the Cortlandt street ferry to take a
train for Washington. The cabman
charged them $3. They protested, and
tlie dispute was referred to a nearby
policeman. The officer decided In fa
vor of the cabman. “Pay the $3,” he
said to the two statesmen, “or I will
take you to the station.”
Tlie two representatives became an
grier every minute. The policeman
was flrm. “When you come to New
York for a good time," he said Anally,
“you must expect to pay for it.”
"Good time?” echoed one of the con
gressmen. “We came over here to
help bury our old friend. Amos Cum
mings.”
“Amos Cummlngs,” repeated the po-
liceman. "God bless him! Cabby, take
a dollar aud get away from here
quick!”
So the congressmen gave tbe cabby
n dollar and came home.
“Why is it." says the girl, "that in
giving an account of an accident they
always give the age of the person in
jured? I can see the sense of their
talking about blonds and brunettes, a
mustache or full beard if it is a man
or a red, green or blue gown if it is a1
woman, for that is a means of identifi
cation for acquaintances and friends
who may be interested. They don’t
even put the age in the death notices
now. but if you meet with an accident
out it comes in all the papers in town.
But they will never publish mine. I
have it on my mind every time I cross
th«* street, and when there is a particu
larly bad crowd I say to myself. "Now,
remember. If you are run over here, no
matter how badly hurt, you are to wr
member never to tell your age. it's a
matter of principle.” — New York
Timos.
Itejeeted Fortune«.
Professor Bell had a strenuous time
over ills invention of tlie telephone. He
took tin* tirst working model of bis
instrument to John A. Logan and of
fered him a half interest for $2.500,
saying that it would do away witli tlie
t«*legi*apli ami dial there would lie mil
lions iu it. Logan replied: "1 dare say
your machine works perfectly, but who
would want to talk through such a
tiling as that, anyway? I advise you to
save your money, young man.” Bell
then offered a tenth interest to au ex
aminer in tlie patent office for $100 In
cash. It was refused. That tenth in
terest was worth $1.600,000 in fifteen
years.-.Pearson's.
■lather Airy.
Mr. Loudensiager of New Jersey
“There is an acquaintance of mine.”
wanted to put some lettering on the
I-. marked the doctor, “who gives him
door of bls committee room on pen
self airs because lie was given up to
sions. The house carpenter had Just
«lie thirty years ago and has kept him
bung two fine swinging mahogany
seif alive till now by taking oxygen.”
screen doors, such as ail the other
"How old is he now?” asked the pro
chairmen of committees are having,
fessor.
and the house painter was then called
in. The doors were not broad euough
“Over eighty.”
"lie's what you would call au oxyge-
to write out In large letters tbe entire
iiarian. Is he?” said the professor, look
name. On tbe left door the painter in
ing at him with half shut eyes.—Chica
scribed, “Com. on” and then went
away to lunch.
go Tribune.
Scores of people stared at the pe
An Approprlat«- Name.
culiar words. They thought it might
“It Is a pretty mime,” tlie lrapres-
be “come ou” and were wondering
Rionnlde traveler murmured, "but tell
whether a green goods man bad been
me wliy do they call you Munita?”
established inside or whether it was
Door Opened the Wrong War.
Tiler«* was an arch smile ou tbe sav
some sort of a hospitable invitation to
This story is told of Miss Evelyn
(walk In.
Millard, an English actress of promi age maiden's face.
| "Evl«l«*ntly,” she said ns she signaled
Later the painter returned from his nence:
lunch, and ou the other door he wrpte
She was playing in a melodrama, and to her brothers, who were concealed In
another word, which gave the sen 111 one of her scenes she was alone with i th* brush witli clubs, “you do not
tence a different turn It then read, the villain, who locked the door and know our favorite food.”
“Com. on Pensions.”
then announced in tbe usual style,
SiiNpected It.
"Aha, proud damsel, you are in my
ConsrefifilonRl Cliniifrra.
Cashier— I can't honor tlint check,
New faces will be numerous In the power,” etc., etc. Miss Millard rushed
next house delegation from New York. at the door, beat upon it violently and r.iadmn. Your husband's account Is
Three veterans, all good business men was immediately precipitated out of | overdrawn,
Woman—Huh! Overdrawn. Is it? I
—Mr. Stewart, n member of (lie Dis sight of tbe audience, while a voice in
trict committee; Mr. Emerson and Mr. tbe wings said loudly, "Bless me, I suspected something was wrong when
Llttauer-i-were thrown into oue con forgot to warn the lady that that ’ere ' lie signed this cheek without waitiug
for me to get the hysterics.
gressional district by the Empire State door opened the wrong way!”
legislature.
Emerson; who Is the wit of the New
Morlaagea.
Potato Sonffle.
York contingent, and Stewart have
Did It ever occur to you how much
To make potato souffle, add to two
yielded. They will return to their large cupfuls of smooth and well seasoned po ' harder it is to lift a mortgage than it is
manufacturing enterprises. Mr. Llt- tatoes yolks of two eggs: stir over tire to raise one? Boston Transcript.
tauer, the head of tbe great establish until eggs are heated through; when
ment for tlie manufacture of glove«, cool, beat in lightly whites of eggs
Ever notice that when you purticu-
will have tlie nomination.
beaten stiff; turn Into pudding dish I iurly try to lie entertaining you gos-
CARL SCHOFIELD.
and brown In hot oven.
fip mor«'? Atchison Globe.
Krrpliis Ip Wl«h Fate.
At a Dlaconnt.
' Edward." site sighed, "when 1 read
, “You will bo married within a year.’
continm-d the fortune teller
"Dear your notes my hopes are raised toward
me!" exclaimed the Indy, who was ai happiness."
"Yes." he answered moodily. "I never
ready married. “I shall have to begin
«llvorce proceedings at once.” Boston was able to raise anything on my notes
except hope.”
Post.
The raising of the instrument sheltc.
At Newcastle (England! assizes Jus
tlce Ridley Imposed a fine of $5(1 or. (lie of the weather bureau In New York
coin’ attendant for failure to have the city from an elevation of 150 feet
courtHsim sufficiently lighted. A threat above tbe street to an elevation of 300
of the mine kind by Justice Lawrence feet has caused au apparent lowering
at Leeds assizes led to prompt illumi of tbe mean annual temperature of 2lj
degrees.
nation
The Little Thing«.
"That great matters are not always
I
the most important is evidenced.” re
marked tlie stork, "by the fact that
my fame and reputation are due solely
to my strict attention to very little
things.”—Colorado Springs Gazette.
Cheating the Doctor.
Mrs. Trotter—I hear that Mrs. Bur-
low's three children have the measles.
Mrs. Faster—Yes; so I understand.
They're so poor they bn veto economize
ou tbe doctor by all getting III at once.