Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (July 23, 1916)
THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND, JULY 23, 1916. " 5 WILSON, HUGHES AND ROOSEVELT ALL CLAIM THEY STARTED BY MONTAGUE GLASS THIS HERE AMERICANISM BUSINESS ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIGGS As for Mr. Bryan, Ain't It Terrible What Creeping 'Pacificism Has Done to That Feller? He Had Ism After Ism, Until He's Got One Foot in the Political Grave Copyright 1916 The Tribune Ass'n (The New York Tribune). ' "T" SEE where Wilson, Hughes as he had Americanism mil firm, pro- ready every Senator, from New York Guard which you have on is awful be- subject has to write a letter to the y'understand me. if something happens ism. Zapp," BirsLy said, "and they I and Roosevelt all claim they tective. upbuilding policies and also has had a capitalism of anyhow a mil- coming to you. Popper. Why don't you Emperor and finds himself using a where they've got to make good their couldn't .help themselves. The German started this here Americanism probably mit shooting pains in the lion dollars, which if you call such a wear it again soon say a year from word beginning mit a K, y'understand, words, y'understand, they all claim an socialists probably wanted to say that business," Louis Birsky, the real es- wrists and ankles, loss of appetite and thing a disease, Zapp, let me know next July 4th?' y'understand, it didn't he' tries to think of a substitute word allowance of 50 per cent discount for in the trouble with France there was tater, said to Barnett Zapp manufacturer. "Well, if I was any one of 'em," Zapp said, "I'd ichenck the credit for it to any of the others, Birsky, because if I would be a politician, Birsky, I wouldn't got nothing to do mit no isms. Once a politician oder a statesman starts to monkey with an ism like union ism, socialism, militarism oder Ameri canism, Birsky, for all the good it s going to do him, it might just so well be an itis like appendicitis, tonsillitis, bronchitis oder peritonitis. Take Will iam J.- Bryan, for instance, and that feller has had ism after ism till he's already got one foot in a political grave. Speaking from the standpoint of politics, he is now being taken round in a wheel chair, and when a seemingly strong, healthy feller like Mr. Wilson meets him on the street and goes home and says to Mrs. Wilson at dinner: I seen old Mr.' Bryan in front of the drug store this afternoon, Mommer. Ain't it terrible what creeping pacifi cism has done to that feller?' Mrs. Wilson nods and says would 'he have another plate soup and dismisses it like that, Birsky, because little does she suspect that her own husband has al ready got the beginnings of acute Americanism in his system." "Is Americanism so terrible as all that?" Birsky asked. "It ain't quite understood as yet, Birsky," Zapp replied. "The only thing they know about it is that it's very catching. Roosevelt got it first. On the waist dizziness." where I could catch it that's all." do no good, and he quick passed into beginning with a Z or a W. so as not enthusiasm. something to be said in favor of "Aber without knocking socialism, "Never mind. Birsky," Zapp said, the second or speech-making stage of to embarrass the poor Nebich." - "Sure I know," Zapp said, aber the France, too, Zapp, aber when the Kai- y understand, it s better that a politi- an ism is an ism, and capitalism is his trouble. He should ought to be embar- feller nut militarism and Americanism ser shouts 'Germanism consists in ut- "Speech making always seems to be THEY SOl"M HIM FOR a symptom that a feller's got an ism the matter with him." Birsky comment ed. "Although it's usually the first stage of the trouble." "The-first and only stage in some cases," like' old "Mr." Bryan olav hash otpm," Zapp said, "aber with the Kai ser heseems to have got past that part of his ism. There was a time here about three years ago when you couldn't pick up a paper without reading -how the Kaiser addressed the South Prussian, Wuinterburg and Rheln-Pfak'.Corn-merc"ial Travelers' Assptyatipt pr-' some such' organization about the rhaile'4'fist oder the three K's, or "something.' but nowadays the poor feller don't open his mouth at all." ... "Why should he?" Birsky-asked. "If every politician mit an ism would have his ism tried out on him the way the Kaiser has, Zapp, even fellers mit so cialism would keep quiet. Take that speech which the Kaiser used to get off a few years ago about women should attend to the three K's Kirche, Kuche und Kinder and leave all other jobs to the men folks, and he had a pretty good nerve to pull it even in them days, when thousands of German women was not only attending to .the church, the cooking and the children, but was also attending to the coal mining, the farm ing and the street sweeping, not to men- -UK IS BEING TAKEX ROIND IX A Y HEEL CHAIR. CAPITALISM." terly believing in the principles of Ger many and putting them principles first above everything, y'understand, the so cialists didn't dasst to figure that may be France could also got principles. No doubt there was plenty German social ists which had an idee that if the Kaiser had believed in an in-and-out instead of an out-and-out Germanism, consist ing of 80 per cent Germanism, 19 per cent internationalism and I per cent benzol boracid common sense, Birsky, a war in Europe might have ' been avoided, aber because the Kaiser said: 'When the world finally discovers that Germany is individable then the world will learn how truly and profoundly great and powerful Germany is, y'un derstand. the socialists felt that it wasn't right to disagree with their fellow Ger mans about it." "Who told you the Kaiser says such things about Germany?" Zapp de manded." "Why. you did. didn't you?" Bir sky replied. "Me? I never said no such thing, Zapp cried indignantly. "What you are saying the Kaiser says about Germany was what President Wilson says about America." "Well, what is the difference ivho says it about what?" Birsky continued. "The results would be the same mjj ion Zapp. aber if President Wilson says or the Kaiser says Americanism tion a few hundred other jobs which in America we consider such hard work rassed." Zapp said. "A feller which ain't a marker in that respect to the fel- or Germanism consists in utterly be- son at the Republican Convention in cian should have Americanism as so- like all the others. The politician or for a native born citizen. Zapp. that is working the way the Kaiser worked ler mit socialism. For years already lieving in the principles of all nations, Chicago that he had it, and had it cialism. because in the whole continent statesman which has it may look polit- we hand 'em over to big greenhorns to get every man from 16 to 60 to the Mayors of citie in Germany. Zapp. and putting them principles first good, and in the early part of June of America. Zapp, there is only one or ically healthy for a while, but sooner from Hungary and Poland. Aber to- become a soldier, Birsky, should ought France, England, Austria and Italy above everything, y'understand. then President Wilson comes down with it two climates where the politician mit or later it will get the most promising day yet when over in Germany women to figure in advance what is going to has been getting writers cramp from that gives a couple nations a show to in Washington and later describes the socialism could get any relief. Unlike career, Birsky, the same as militarism is running the streetcars, the electric happen to other businesses besides the signing permits for socialists to talk on argue about their principles before they symptoms to the West Point gradwates. some other invalids, a politician mil will. Take the Kaiser, and several soldier business in case his scheme turns street corners about how the socialists go to war over 'em, because there it out 100 per cent successful. Also, of the world is going to stand shoulder German principles which is just so good Birsky, if all the men from 1 6 to 60 to shoulder in case of a war, Birsky, as American principles. Zapp. and is fighting as soldiers and all the worn- and that there would be a general strike there is Mexican principles which ain't en is busy mil churches, cooking and and that a socialist was a brother even so bad neither. Furthermore, Zapp. children, Birsky, who did he expect is if he would be a German or an Eng- when Mr. Wilson says what he said going to run the streetcars and the elec- lishman as 'the case may be, Birsky, about America being individable. it's trie light plants, anyway?" and when the war breaks out, Birsky, just so easy for a whole nation to be "Listen. Zapp, a feller mit an ism is what happens? A German socialist all all-wrong as all all-right." the last one to expect his scheme is shoots an English socialist mit the same "Tell me, Bir;ky," Zapp said, going to turn out 100 per cent success- enjoyment like the poor feller would be "what are you driving into?" ful," Birsky said. "In fact, Zapp, I John D. Rockefeller and vci versa, I am driving into this", Zapp," Bir- give the Kaiser credit that when the and as for standing shoulder to shoul- sky said. "If all "that Sluss is Ameri- war happened and he begun to realize der, Birsky, when Dr. Liebknicht want- canism when Mr. Wilson and Mr. what he said and did in the way of ed to make good on it. he found that it Hughes says it, what is it when the militarism to bring it about, y'under- takes anyhow two socialists to stand Kaiser says it?" - . 1 1 f f 1.1 11 1 11. 1 11 1.11.T1 , T 1 siana, nis leeungs lowara me wnoie snouiaer 10 snouiacr, ana mc lasi i near vjcrmtinism, z-app repuea. thing was: 'For the love of Mars, he is sitting in jail in Germany waiting "Then that settles it," Birsky con light plants and doing the heavier work couldn't you take a joke? Yes, Zapp, for a shoulder to come along. eluded. "It ain't an ism, it's an itis. and Republican sound him for capitalism and if he lets 'Turn round and let me see the back, that the old fellers of 85 and 90 ain't all them ism fellers is the same way. "Well, them socialist fellers was up the sooner Mr. Wilson and Mr. 1 00 per cent Hughes gets cured of it the better. Am and English- I right or wrong?" He said that when a feller has got socialism couldn't go to a high wild years ago when he begun to have it, he Americanism he utterly believes in the locality like the 'Adirondacks, but has also felt pretty good. In his case the principles of America and puts 'em got to find a low, thickly settled neigh- first symptom was that he broke out all first above everything, y'understand. borhood to take his socialism to, oth- over in uniforms and he got himself Now you know as well as I do, Birsky, erwise it's fatal." appointed honorary colonel of so many how it is when you get ahold of a pat- "You are all twisted, Birsky," Zapp regiments, domestic and foreign, that ent medicine advertisement about float- said. "Socialism ain't a disease. It's a if he wore the uniforms in rotation, ing specks and pain in the back, Bir- remedy for a disease, and the name of Birsky, he didn't get round to the same sky. So soon as Hughes read about the disease is capitalism." . suit of clothes once in 25 years. It used how Americanism affects Mr. Wilson, "To a politician, Zapp," Birsky to cost him a fortune for mothballs y'understand. he got white to the roots said, "capitalism aint a disease, Zapp, alone, and when he took off a pair of of his hair, Birsky, which when Mr. it's a health. In fact, Zapp, capitalism pants he sent it round to the tailor and Hughes gets white to the roots of his to a Senator is like a chest expansion had a V put in the back against the hair. Birskv. the whiteness covers con- to a soldier, he couldn't be accepted time when he was going to wear 'em siderable territory already. Therefore without it. New York State in partic- again. However, Birsky, he soon got "Over in Germany women im Running he knew right away that not only did ular is very strict that way. Before they tired of admiration, and it didn't make the stre Cars." he have Americanism but that he had would let a man be a United States no difference that his wife tried to get had it for years already, and on June Senator from New York, Zapp. they him to take a fresh interest by saying 1 Oth he telegraphs the Convention that he accepted the nom- out a hollow sound, they pass him up. ination, but couldn't come to Chicago, The consequence is that for years al- I think that peplin effect of the 842d up to exactly in the rolling mills and When they talk of out-and-out, 100 against an out-and-out Regiment Lippe-Schaumburg National foundries, Zapp, if a loyal German per cent Americanism oder militarism. Germanism, Frenchism w.. f 'by Fellows, See You in Two JVeek$J PeaceTalk Noon. Business Meeting