THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND, JULY 23, 1916. "
5
WILSON, HUGHES AND ROOSEVELT ALL CLAIM THEY STARTED
BY MONTAGUE GLASS
THIS HERE AMERICANISM BUSINESS
ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIGGS
As for Mr. Bryan, Ain't It Terrible What Creeping 'Pacificism Has Done to That Feller? He Had Ism After Ism, Until He's Got One Foot in the Political Grave
Copyright 1916 The Tribune Ass'n (The New York Tribune). '
"T" SEE where Wilson, Hughes as he had Americanism mil firm, pro- ready every Senator, from New York Guard which you have on is awful be- subject has to write a letter to the y'understand me. if something happens ism. Zapp," BirsLy said, "and they
I and Roosevelt all claim they tective. upbuilding policies and also has had a capitalism of anyhow a mil- coming to you. Popper. Why don't you Emperor and finds himself using a where they've got to make good their couldn't .help themselves. The German
started this here Americanism probably mit shooting pains in the lion dollars, which if you call such a wear it again soon say a year from word beginning mit a K, y'understand, words, y'understand, they all claim an socialists probably wanted to say that
business," Louis Birsky, the real es- wrists and ankles, loss of appetite and thing a disease, Zapp, let me know next July 4th?' y'understand, it didn't he' tries to think of a substitute word allowance of 50 per cent discount for in the trouble with France there was
tater, said to Barnett Zapp
manufacturer.
"Well, if I was any one of 'em,"
Zapp said, "I'd ichenck the credit for
it to any of the others, Birsky, because
if I would be a politician, Birsky, I
wouldn't got nothing to do mit no isms.
Once a politician oder a statesman
starts to monkey with an ism like union
ism, socialism, militarism oder Ameri
canism, Birsky, for all the good it s
going to do him, it might just so well be
an itis like appendicitis, tonsillitis,
bronchitis oder peritonitis. Take Will
iam J.- Bryan, for instance, and that
feller has had ism after ism till he's
already got one foot in a political
grave. Speaking from the standpoint
of politics, he is now being taken round
in a wheel chair, and when a seemingly
strong, healthy feller like Mr. Wilson
meets him on the street and goes home
and says to Mrs. Wilson at dinner: I
seen old Mr.' Bryan in front of the
drug store this afternoon, Mommer.
Ain't it terrible what creeping pacifi
cism has done to that feller?' Mrs.
Wilson nods and says would 'he have
another plate soup and dismisses it like
that, Birsky, because little does she
suspect that her own husband has al
ready got the beginnings of acute
Americanism in his system."
"Is Americanism so terrible as all
that?" Birsky asked.
"It ain't quite understood as yet,
Birsky," Zapp replied. "The only
thing they know about it is that it's very
catching. Roosevelt got it first. On
the waist dizziness." where I could catch it that's all." do no good, and he quick passed into beginning with a Z or a W. so as not enthusiasm. something to be said in favor of
"Aber without knocking socialism, "Never mind. Birsky," Zapp said, the second or speech-making stage of to embarrass the poor Nebich." - "Sure I know," Zapp said, aber the France, too, Zapp, aber when the Kai-
y understand, it s better that a politi- an ism is an ism, and capitalism is his trouble. He should ought to be embar- feller nut militarism and Americanism ser shouts 'Germanism consists in ut-
"Speech making always seems to be
THEY SOl"M HIM FOR
a symptom that a feller's got an ism
the matter with him." Birsky comment
ed. "Although it's usually the first
stage of the trouble."
"The-first and only stage in some
cases," like' old "Mr." Bryan olav hash
otpm," Zapp said, "aber with the Kai
ser heseems to have got past that part
of his ism. There was a time here about
three years ago when you couldn't pick
up a paper without reading -how the
Kaiser addressed the South Prussian,
Wuinterburg and Rheln-Pfak'.Corn-merc"ial
Travelers' Assptyatipt pr-' some
such' organization about the rhaile'4'fist
oder the three K's, or "something.' but
nowadays the poor feller don't open his
mouth at all." ...
"Why should he?" Birsky-asked. "If
every politician mit an ism would have
his ism tried out on him the way the
Kaiser has, Zapp, even fellers mit so
cialism would keep quiet. Take that
speech which the Kaiser used to get off
a few years ago about women should
attend to the three K's Kirche, Kuche
und Kinder and leave all other jobs
to the men folks, and he had a pretty
good nerve to pull it even in them days,
when thousands of German women was
not only attending to .the church, the
cooking and the children, but was also
attending to the coal mining, the farm
ing and the street sweeping, not to men-
-UK IS BEING TAKEX ROIND IX A Y HEEL CHAIR.
CAPITALISM."
terly believing in the principles of Ger
many and putting them principles first
above everything, y'understand, the so
cialists didn't dasst to figure that may
be France could also got principles. No
doubt there was plenty German social
ists which had an idee that if the Kaiser
had believed in an in-and-out instead
of an out-and-out Germanism, consist
ing of 80 per cent Germanism, 19 per
cent internationalism and I per cent
benzol boracid common sense, Birsky,
a war in Europe might have ' been
avoided, aber because the Kaiser said:
'When the world finally discovers that
Germany is individable then the world
will learn how truly and profoundly
great and powerful Germany is, y'un
derstand. the socialists felt that it wasn't
right to disagree with their fellow Ger
mans about it."
"Who told you the Kaiser says such
things about Germany?" Zapp de
manded." "Why. you did. didn't you?" Bir
sky replied.
"Me? I never said no such thing,
Zapp cried indignantly. "What you are
saying the Kaiser says about Germany
was what President Wilson says about
America."
"Well, what is the difference ivho
says it about what?" Birsky continued.
"The results would be the same mjj
ion Zapp. aber if President Wilson
says or the Kaiser says Americanism
tion a few hundred other jobs which
in America we consider such hard work rassed." Zapp said. "A feller which ain't a marker in that respect to the fel- or Germanism consists in utterly be-
son at the Republican Convention in cian should have Americanism as so- like all the others. The politician or for a native born citizen. Zapp. that is working the way the Kaiser worked ler mit socialism. For years already lieving in the principles of all nations,
Chicago that he had it, and had it cialism. because in the whole continent statesman which has it may look polit- we hand 'em over to big greenhorns to get every man from 16 to 60 to the Mayors of citie in Germany. Zapp. and putting them principles first
good, and in the early part of June of America. Zapp, there is only one or ically healthy for a while, but sooner from Hungary and Poland. Aber to- become a soldier, Birsky, should ought France, England, Austria and Italy above everything, y'understand. then
President Wilson comes down with it two climates where the politician mit or later it will get the most promising day yet when over in Germany women to figure in advance what is going to has been getting writers cramp from that gives a couple nations a show to
in Washington and later describes the socialism could get any relief. Unlike career, Birsky, the same as militarism is running the streetcars, the electric happen to other businesses besides the signing permits for socialists to talk on argue about their principles before they
symptoms to the West Point gradwates. some other invalids, a politician mil will. Take the Kaiser, and several
soldier business in case his scheme turns street corners about how the socialists go to war over 'em, because there it
out 100 per cent successful. Also, of the world is going to stand shoulder German principles which is just so good
Birsky, if all the men from 1 6 to 60 to shoulder in case of a war, Birsky, as American principles. Zapp. and
is fighting as soldiers and all the worn- and that there would be a general strike there is Mexican principles which ain't
en is busy mil churches, cooking and and that a socialist was a brother even so bad neither. Furthermore, Zapp.
children, Birsky, who did he expect is if he would be a German or an Eng- when Mr. Wilson says what he said
going to run the streetcars and the elec- lishman as 'the case may be, Birsky, about America being individable. it's
trie light plants, anyway?" and when the war breaks out, Birsky, just so easy for a whole nation to be
"Listen. Zapp, a feller mit an ism is what happens? A German socialist all all-wrong as all all-right."
the last one to expect his scheme is shoots an English socialist mit the same "Tell me, Bir;ky," Zapp said,
going to turn out 100 per cent success- enjoyment like the poor feller would be "what are you driving into?"
ful," Birsky said. "In fact, Zapp, I John D. Rockefeller and vci versa, I am driving into this", Zapp," Bir-
give the Kaiser credit that when the and as for standing shoulder to shoul- sky said. "If all "that Sluss is Ameri-
war happened and he begun to realize der, Birsky, when Dr. Liebknicht want- canism when Mr. Wilson and Mr.
what he said and did in the way of ed to make good on it. he found that it Hughes says it, what is it when the
militarism to bring it about, y'under- takes anyhow two socialists to stand Kaiser says it?"
- . 1 1 f f 1.1 11 1 11. 1 11 1.11.T1 , T 1
siana, nis leeungs lowara me wnoie snouiaer 10 snouiacr, ana mc lasi i near vjcrmtinism, z-app repuea.
thing was: 'For the love of Mars, he is sitting in jail in Germany waiting "Then that settles it," Birsky con
light plants and doing the heavier work couldn't you take a joke? Yes, Zapp, for a shoulder to come along. eluded. "It ain't an ism, it's an itis. and
Republican sound him for capitalism and if he lets 'Turn round and let me see the back, that the old fellers of 85 and 90 ain't all them ism fellers is the same way. "Well, them socialist fellers was up the sooner Mr. Wilson and Mr.
1 00 per cent Hughes gets cured of it the better. Am
and English- I right or wrong?"
He said that when a feller has got socialism couldn't go to a high wild years ago when he begun to have it, he
Americanism he utterly believes in the locality like the 'Adirondacks, but has also felt pretty good. In his case the
principles of America and puts 'em got to find a low, thickly settled neigh- first symptom was that he broke out all
first above everything, y'understand. borhood to take his socialism to, oth- over in uniforms and he got himself
Now you know as well as I do, Birsky, erwise it's fatal." appointed honorary colonel of so many
how it is when you get ahold of a pat- "You are all twisted, Birsky," Zapp regiments, domestic and foreign, that
ent medicine advertisement about float- said. "Socialism ain't a disease. It's a if he wore the uniforms in rotation,
ing specks and pain in the back, Bir- remedy for a disease, and the name of Birsky, he didn't get round to the same
sky. So soon as Hughes read about the disease is capitalism." . suit of clothes once in 25 years. It used
how Americanism affects Mr. Wilson, "To a politician, Zapp," Birsky to cost him a fortune for mothballs
y'understand. he got white to the roots said, "capitalism aint a disease, Zapp, alone, and when he took off a pair of
of his hair, Birsky, which when Mr. it's a health. In fact, Zapp, capitalism pants he sent it round to the tailor and
Hughes gets white to the roots of his to a Senator is like a chest expansion had a V put in the back against the
hair. Birskv. the whiteness covers con- to a soldier, he couldn't be accepted time when he was going to wear 'em
siderable territory already. Therefore without it. New York State in partic- again. However, Birsky, he soon got "Over in Germany women im Running
he knew right away that not only did ular is very strict that way. Before they tired of admiration, and it didn't make the stre Cars."
he have Americanism but that he had would let a man be a United States no difference that his wife tried to get
had it for years already, and on June Senator from New York, Zapp. they him to take a fresh interest by saying
1 Oth he telegraphs the
Convention that he accepted the nom- out a hollow sound, they pass him up.
ination, but couldn't come to Chicago, The consequence is that for years al-
I think that peplin effect of the 842d up to exactly in the rolling mills and When they talk of out-and-out, 100 against an out-and-out
Regiment Lippe-Schaumburg National foundries, Zapp, if a loyal German per cent Americanism oder militarism. Germanism, Frenchism
w..
f
'by Fellows, See You in Two JVeek$J
PeaceTalk
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