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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Nov. 1, 1908)
10 TUG SUNDAY OREGOXIAN. POKTLAVD. ypTEMBER 1. 19Q8. w .in TOIL CM 7 w ELL, she'll soon be over, remarked the House Detec tive of the. St. Reckless, as h contemplated a campaign button about the size or a butter piate that had suddenly blossomed out In his but tonhole. "Which she were you expecting over?" aked the Hotfl Clerk, "the Mauretanla or some new opera singer with one of those V-shaped names that would make suitable, trimming for an underskirt If thre was only a little more of It?" "I mean the agony'll be over by this time next Tuesday night," said the House Detective, "first Toosday after the first "Wednesday, you know." "Oh. the election," said the Hotel Clerk. "But. I wouldn't go so far as to spakvof It as being an agony, Larry. If I were you. So far as I've been able to Judge there's been -ery little acute sufferings anywhere, unless you make an exception for the foelings of Mr. Hearst when that callous deputy sheriff obtruded on the privacy of his drawing room compartment and handed him the papers from Governor Haskell, as he stood there, all defenseless. In his hand painted impressionistic pajamas. Or does Mr. Hearst sleep In a simple shirt since he became one of the peasantry? "Now. If you want to call It a slow fver covering a period of three months with chll'y sensations In the feet, fol lowed by a slowly rising temperature and sl'ghtly delirious muttering during the last week. I may be with you. put I wouldn't care, in view of the present quitt condition of the patient, to make my language any stronger than that. "Anyway, I look for a complete and satlsaf.-tory recovery by next Wednes day evening at the very latest. On elec tion morning those of us who don't for get It will go to the barber shop or the undertaker's parlors or the front office of the livery stable or wherever the place is that has been selected as the temple of our liberties and the bulwark of a representative form of government for the time being. "You find said temple and bulwark temporarily confided to the keeping of four gentlemen who are clustered to githr with their heais pointing toward a common cer.tr like the Nut City Male Quartette getting ready to render the opening lines of 'Way Down, Yonder In the Cauuntield.' These are the patriots who have been led to accept the sacred trust by an inherent love for the most cherished Institution of their country and also because there's $11.85 or some such nutritious sum coming to those who stick through for the full course. They're truly a bright lot. are election officers, especially the election clerks, who are the lads with the abrupt faces and the S'-ddcn foreheads that take down your name and ask you if you spell Xerxes with a Q or an H and assign you an address In the book where there's been a vacant lot for going on 0 years and then quarrel violently with each other over your middle inlrial. whether you've got one or rot. There's also an im pressive row of box stalls made out of pome light, washable material, which has never been done so. with a -row fi-npvrtcht bv James Flverson. JUST now the kids of this grand and glorious land of the free are getting It freshly imbedded in their think tanks that "every American boy has a cliance to become President." That's rwre we have the bulge on most of the boys from over the big drink, because over there they keep oil the bossing Jobs In the fmily, and in order to get In on the ruling stunt and political graft a kid has to show remarkably good Judgment for one so young In selecting his parents. If the boy in Greece or Italy or Russia happens during a thoughtless moment to allow himself to be born Into a family of the poor peasantry, when he gets old enough to hustle out and stab the world In the face there is nothing left for him but to bunch up in the steerage and beat It ovr here to become chif engineer on a peanut-stand or pilot of a pushcart. About the highest office he ever attains to is Master of Transportation to King dom Come for the Black Hand Society. There's nothing to It. the race of life Is a handicap race, and the boy who Is lucky enough to be born under the Stars and t-Trlpes isn't scratch man. Over here the kid who cut his milk teeth on the curbstone and started out In life as "cinder monkey" In a rittsburg rolling mill mav some day be sitting In the "N hlte House busting the trusts, or by diligent perseverance and a close study of Joe Miller's Joke book he may even get so far as to amass untold wealth as a newspaper humorist. Wasn't Uncoln a rail splitter, and didn't Uartield g-t bis start in life by lambasting the epidermis it " raAsca. WSTRlBimON-Cf-CHANC-Tr-VTE-SAW.cWnEi ljHZIMB-, Ti Taggl f- X 1 - TO-LIGHT- of seemingly human feet showing below the front draperies, and a policeman asleep In a front chair and a haunting smell of gin out of a bottle eddying eluslvely to and fro in the' brooding air. So you take your ballot, which Is about the size of a Mills Hotel bed quilt, and retire with It Into one of the cheesecloth sanctuaries and unfurl It and And that Instead of the great name which has looked down on you from every other street banner during the last few months It contains some lists of gentlemen that are total strangers to you. You then take In your right band the pencil which a generous Government has expressly providd for the purpose,. It being all of two Inches long and is tied down at one end with a string and was evidently sharpened in a great hurry by a gentle man who miPiald his pocketknife and had to use his front teeth, only they must have been but Indifferent teeth at best. You inscribe one cross mark about where you think your tickets ought to be. or two of them In ease you don't care for the nominee hence the phrase, double cross and then . you come out of your coxy comer and hand the sym bol of your suffrage to a gentleman who asks you pleasantly why In Ellen Damb Nation (no relation to Carrie of that name, although similar In disposition) you didn't fold It up first, and then drops It with an almost careless gesture through a crack In the lid of a wooden box. And that's about all there Is to It. Larry, so far as you're concerned, for either your man wins or he doesn't, but generally doesn't, and In any event you make up your mind that the United States, as at present constituted, will probably be able to survive for another four years, because while our Presidents are not Invariably healthy, our Vice Presidents always are. that being. In all the known cases, their principal qualifi cation for the Job. "The principal fault I'd find with election day. Larry, Is that It's such a short and disappointing performance after an extensive and exhaustive bally hoo. It's too much like following a circus , procession all over town and back again to the show lot and winding up under a cook tent where some eld erly citizens of settled habits are play ing checkers for the root beer. After I've been going about from late June until early November contemplating the sideshow banners and having; the gen tlemanly agents walking amongst me with tickets for the after show, and discussing the merits of the star per formers with the casual bystander and listening to the outside barkers and resisting the blandishments of the boosters and hearing the music, I nat urally feel that It's considerable of a come-down to be called upon to cast my vote in the same place where I go when the back of my neck needs shav ing, and' then spend the rest of a tire some day waiting for the hour when the artist behind, the stereopticon screen will flaah forth the tidings that the man who was defeated by all the straw ballots has been elected by nearly all the real votes. "So I would suggest. Larry, that you off the refractory mule on the old tow rath for the Rapid Transit Company in the cnnal-boat days? I fear that In his younger days the American boy does not fully appreciate the advantage he has over the rest of the world In his "cliance to become Presi dent." When he should be gathering up pine knots to light him through the mld nieht hours while he reads up the con stitution and the compiled bylaws of the Standard Oil Company In order to fit himself to hold down his future Job. he Is apt to be hanging over a neighboring back gate negotiating an alliance with his neighbor's daughter. Then he la apt to grow careless with his chance and be fore the grand raffle Is pulled oft he may trade It for a Job as copy-boy In a news paper office at S3 a week, Just because the returns are more immediate. We lose lots of good Presidents In this way. We have sonte working In our office now. We meet men every day who know more about how to boss the country than the men who get the Job. The woods are full of them. We know this to be so be cause along about election time they meet us on every street corner and back us up against a building and stand on our toes while they let us Into the secret of how to govern nations. And I want to tell you that what these fellows don't know about bossing the universe Isn't worth knowing. But their valuable ser vice In this line are lost to our country because during thoughtless childhood moments they became careless with their chance In the grand raffle for President and used It to light a cigarette with. A great catastrophe befell our Nation when one day In the misty past while I was turn your attention away from your contemplation of the melancholy culmi nation of a lachrymose campaign and join, with me In discussing; some sub ject that's really got a little gimp to It." "Wot for example?" asked the House Detective. "Well." said the Hotel Clerk. "I out helping a number of other future Presidents to rob a melon patch, my mother gave a pair of my old pants to a tramp " and my chance was In the pocket. ' It must be that such unfortunate oc currences as these Invariably happen to boys who can't afford a safety deposit vault and have to lug their chance around In a ragged pocket mixed up with marbles and tobacco tags, as I have noticed that of late years we have never had a President who has had to earn his bread by the skin of his teeth. The rail-splitter, mule-skinners and farmer boys of the present age must be a care less lot. or else they lack the courage to come forward and claim the prize when they hold the winning chance. At any rate, this brand of President seems to be going out of style. There Is some thing radically wrong about this, and It will give me renewed faith In the equal distribution of chances to become Presi dent when I see some husky mill hand or an honest streetcar conductor winning out In the Fall elections. When the grand Presidential raffle is pulled off. If any driver of an ash cart or night watchman In a brewery finds that he has the win ning chance tucked away In his vest pocket, where It has reposed undisturbed through the years since he received it as his legacy as an American boy, he should throw up his Job and claim the prize and fight for It until he gets It, like William J. Bryan and W. R. Hearst. We are now on the eve of the great Presidential raffle that is pulled off In this country every four years, and among all the millions of American born males that are splattered from coast to coast can't think of anything more absorb ing than the dispute regarding the true function of our best society which Is now engaging so many minds on both sides of the Atlantic that hereto fore didn't have any heavier burdens to carry In their heads than the part in their hair. Mrs. Astor started it and from Kalamazoo to the Everglades there are only three, Mr. Bryan, . Mr. Taft and Mr. Hlsgen, who are advertised to have any chance at all to cop the prize. Now. what has become of every body else's chance? Are we such a care less Nation that we can boast of only three men at the present time who have been able to hang onto their chances until they grew old enough to hold down the Job? Or are we such a modest Na tion that the rest are too shy and retiring to publicly admit that they have a chance? Anyway, It iBn't right that so many chances should be distributed to American boys and so few American men get In the raffle. I have met both Mr. Taft and Mr. Bryan, and while I have never yet met Mr. Hlsgen. I saw an elegant cartoon of him by Tom Powers once In the New York American, snd I think that out of the three we ought to be able to pluck a fairly average sort of Presi dent. Since the unfortunate occurrence of my childhood days, when some tramp fished my chance out of the pocket of my old trousers and probably turned it in at some saloon for a beer check, I have never taken much interest in Presidential elections. My interest In these affairs has usually been con fined to wondering which one of the candidates had my chance. I have sounded both Mr. Taft and Mr. Bryan on this subject, but they have both assured me that they haven't got It. And from the way they looked when they said It. I don't believe that either of them would, have come out for the office at all if they thought they were off. You know of the Astors, of course, the great family from whom we have derived the Astor House, ' the Astor Hotel, the Waldorf-Astoria salad, the Astor Battery, the Astor Cigar and William Waldorf Astor. So you see Mrs. Astor Is qualified to speak with the voice of authority and everybody doing it on my chance. They both said something about Eugene V. Debs having It, as his chance somewhat re sembled what they thought mine might have been. I don't know whether they Intended this as a slur at Mr. Debs or myself, but in either case it was un kind. Mr. Taft assured me that his chance was given him by Mr. Roosevelt on condition that If he won he would finish up a few little Jobs that Mr. Roosevelt has started and can't finish. Mr. Bryan said that he has used his chance two or three times and It Is still good for two or three more, and as he made It himself, he ought to know what he is talking about when he says that it isn't mine. Mine may not have been very much of a chance, but I would hate to think that either Mr. Hlsgen or Mr. Debs has it. Having lost my own chance to get the President's Job, I don't give a con tinental cuss who gets It. Knowing Mr. Taft and Mr. Bryan personally, I can assure tha American people that either of them can hold down the Job almost as well as I could do it myself, although I have a few policies that neither of them have In their platforms. Our Ideas are somewhat similar, as they have both come out for the Roosevelt policies, and I would too If I were in their place and thought It was the only chance I had to win. We are devoting our efforts to the same life-work, as while they are aiming to save the country through political leg islation, I am educating the masses LOX, TiOSE EHoECTlOM OT-'JTXClAi-.S sat up and listened when she came out In an interview stating that American society was entirely too frivolous and sensational. It didnt do enough for art and genius. It couldn't seem to have a simple wedding breakfast without in troducing some prominent resident of the monkey cage. It couldn't pull off with my gifted pen through the public press. "We are all three great men, but I have succeeded better in keeping it a secret than either of the other two. Anyway. I don't see much use In hav ing any controversy over the Presiden tial situation this Fall, when both can didates say that they will hold down the job along the same lines as Mr. Roosevelt has in the past. If Mr. Roosevelt Insists on going over to Africa to devastate the animal kingdom, why not call oft the election and have Mr. Bryan and Mr. Taft collaborate on the Job. and perhaps we can strike some kind of a decent average that will satisfy both parties. This would relieve the Standard Oil Company of a great deal of expense and anxiety, and it would still give Mr. Hearst an ex cuse for publishing his newspapers so that the suffering public would con tinue to have an interesting and relia ble publication to turn to in their hour of need. I would suggest that Mr. Hlsgen be given a job in the White House, too, but I am afraid that the cartoonists and comic artists of the New York American would deface the wallpaper with their pictures. It would be em barrassing if some foreign Minister would drop in some morning for a little chat on international affairs with the President and found Mr. Opper dipping his finger in the Ink well and drawing a life-size figure of Happy Hooligan over the mantelpiece. And It might give rise to international complications if Tom Powers would Insist on decorat BY wm. a small informal dinner without bring ing In the Nashville Students between the soup and the fish to present their native cakewalkg and plantation glees' direct from Nashville. Illinois. It was Mrs. Astor's Idea that if a rising musi cian reached the point where he could bid successful defiance to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pianos or a young poet turned a great epic poem out of his system unassisted, the leaders of Soclty ought to throw open the trademens entrance to him and take Mm right Into their homos and give him a square meal, and make him feel in every way that merit was be ing pioperiy rewarded. "Great excitement immediately ensued. It was all right for Frederick Town send Martin to become over-heated be cause he's already engaged In reforming society from the Inside, the same way a skipper reforms a cheese, but I couldn't understand why Uncle Joe Cannon, of Danville I almost said Damville should have burst from his cell the way he did. It would seem he resented an Insinuation on the part of the lady that he belonged to a school of statesmen that wouldn't ehine out In society. So he indulged In a few characteristic remarks, which If properly boiled down and skimmed off, ought to make good soup stock. "I think myself Mrs. Astor was right. The only statesman of the present day who's really qualified to make a hit in society is the kind that gets elected to Congress occasionally from a Gobelin Tapestry district and spends his term at Washington giving a clever Imitation of a suit of clothes partially Inhabited by an ostensible person. But on the other hand you'd never gather from Uncle Joe's gen eral walk and conversation that he ever devoted a spare hour to running baby blue ribbons In his undershirt. And he'd have to have his profile rederrned so that it wouldn't look so much like the coast line of the Atlantic seaboard, north of Cape Hatteras, and learn to wear hose to match his carvation before he could hope to really fit In with the cotillion set. Even then he wouldn't feel at heme In society and neither would society. "Anyway after Uncle Joe had had his say and Frederick Townsend Martin had had his twitters. Mrs. Cornwallls West, who used to be Lady Randolph Churchill, contributed some pertinent remarks to the discussion, and Mrs. Stuyvesant Fish chimed in for the defense and others took It up, and now every hired girl In, the country is watching the society column of the daily press with bated breath for further contributions to the controversy. I can't recall anything of late years that has been so generally ex citing except the New York Herald' great plan to form an alliance between, the United States and Mrs. Tsi An, the widow lady that's running China." "You can't steer me away from po itics yet awhile." said the House De tective. "I'm thinking purty strong of votin' the Socialist ticket. The Socialist speakers believe in changing things." "Some of them believe In changing everything but their shirts," said the Hotl Clerk. . ing the walls with his Nature studies of foreign nobility. It might cause comment, too, If "Tad" were to cut the portraits of the Presidents from their fpames to make room for his lifelike studies of Tom Sharkey. Battling Nel son, et cetera. Then, too. If the works in the Corcoran Art Gallery were to be changed to suit the manager of the art department, I am afraid that some of the American people would be as un reasonable as they could be about it. No, it would never do, so we will have to leave Mr. Hlsgen out of it. But after all, perhaps It Is Just as well that we have a little excitement oven it and give the public a chance to Imagine that they are naving some thing to say about who gets the Presi dent's Job, and give us all an oppor tunity to swell up with importance and feel that we are . of some use to the Nation as we drop In our little vote for some guy in the opposition party to put the kibosh on. Passing of the Pet. Indianapolis News. Mary had a little PJP. His fleas were black as Jet; If htm they had not eaten uo Bhe might have had him yet. Why did the fleas the pup love so? Oh, that is hard to guess; But as they thrived he had to grow Just less and less and less. The fact of being so bereft Mflfie Mary's spirits flRg For of him she had only left His collar and his tag.
