10 TUG SUNDAY OREGOXIAN. POKTLAVD. ypTEMBER 1. 19Q8.
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ELL, she'll soon be over,
remarked the House Detec
tive of the. St. Reckless, as
h contemplated a campaign button
about the size or a butter piate that
had suddenly blossomed out In his but
tonhole. "Which she were you expecting over?"
aked the Hotfl Clerk, "the Mauretanla
or some new opera singer with one of
those V-shaped names that would make
suitable, trimming for an underskirt If
thre was only a little more of It?"
"I mean the agony'll be over by this
time next Tuesday night," said the
House Detective, "first Toosday after
the first "Wednesday, you know."
"Oh. the election," said the Hotel
Clerk. "But. I wouldn't go so far as to
spakvof It as being an agony, Larry.
If I were you. So far as I've been able
to Judge there's been -ery little acute
sufferings anywhere, unless you make
an exception for the foelings of Mr.
Hearst when that callous deputy sheriff
obtruded on the privacy of his drawing
room compartment and handed him the
papers from Governor Haskell, as he
stood there, all defenseless. In his hand
painted impressionistic pajamas. Or
does Mr. Hearst sleep In a simple shirt
since he became one of the peasantry?
"Now. If you want to call It a slow
fver covering a period of three months
with chll'y sensations In the feet, fol
lowed by a slowly rising temperature
and sl'ghtly delirious muttering during
the last week. I may be with you. put
I wouldn't care, in view of the present
quitt condition of the patient, to make
my language any stronger than that.
"Anyway, I look for a complete and
satlsaf.-tory recovery by next Wednes
day evening at the very latest. On elec
tion morning those of us who don't for
get It will go to the barber shop or the
undertaker's parlors or the front office
of the livery stable or wherever the
place is that has been selected as the
temple of our liberties and the bulwark
of a representative form of government
for the time being.
"You find said temple and bulwark
temporarily confided to the keeping of
four gentlemen who are clustered to
githr with their heais pointing toward
a common cer.tr like the Nut City Male
Quartette getting ready to render the
opening lines of 'Way Down, Yonder In
the Cauuntield.' These are the patriots
who have been led to accept the sacred
trust by an inherent love for the most
cherished Institution of their country and
also because there's $11.85 or some such
nutritious sum coming to those who
stick through for the full course. They're
truly a bright lot. are election officers,
especially the election clerks, who are
the lads with the abrupt faces and the
S'-ddcn foreheads that take down your
name and ask you if you spell Xerxes
with a Q or an H and assign you an
address In the book where there's been
a vacant lot for going on 0 years and
then quarrel violently with each other
over your middle inlrial. whether you've
got one or rot. There's also an im
pressive row of box stalls made out of
pome light, washable material, which
has never been done so. with a -row
fi-npvrtcht bv James Flverson.
JUST now the kids of this grand and
glorious land of the free are getting
It freshly imbedded in their think
tanks that "every American boy has a
cliance to become President." That's
rwre we have the bulge on most of the
boys from over the big drink, because
over there they keep oil the bossing Jobs
In the fmily, and in order to get In on
the ruling stunt and political graft a kid
has to show remarkably good Judgment
for one so young In selecting his parents.
If the boy in Greece or Italy or Russia
happens during a thoughtless moment to
allow himself to be born Into a family of
the poor peasantry, when he gets old
enough to hustle out and stab the world
In the face there is nothing left for him
but to bunch up in the steerage and beat
It ovr here to become chif engineer on
a peanut-stand or pilot of a pushcart.
About the highest office he ever attains
to is Master of Transportation to King
dom Come for the Black Hand Society.
There's nothing to It. the race of life
Is a handicap race, and the boy who Is
lucky enough to be born under the Stars
and t-Trlpes isn't scratch man. Over here
the kid who cut his milk teeth on the
curbstone and started out In life as
"cinder monkey" In a rittsburg rolling
mill mav some day be sitting In the
"N hlte House busting the trusts, or by
diligent perseverance and a close study
of Joe Miller's Joke book he may even
get so far as to amass untold wealth as
a newspaper humorist. Wasn't Uncoln
a rail splitter, and didn't Uartield g-t bis
start in life by lambasting the epidermis
it
" raAsca.
WSTRlBimON-Cf-CHANC-Tr-VTE-SAW.cWnEi ljHZIMB-, Ti Taggl f- X 1 - TO-LIGHT-
of seemingly human feet showing below
the front draperies, and a policeman
asleep In a front chair and a haunting
smell of gin out of a bottle eddying
eluslvely to and fro in the' brooding air.
So you take your ballot, which Is about
the size of a Mills Hotel bed quilt, and
retire with It Into one of the cheesecloth
sanctuaries and unfurl It and And that
Instead of the great name which has
looked down on you from every other
street banner during the last few months
It contains some lists of gentlemen that
are total strangers to you. You then
take In your right band the pencil which
a generous Government has expressly
providd for the purpose,. It being all of
two Inches long and is tied down at one
end with a string and was evidently
sharpened in a great hurry by a gentle
man who miPiald his pocketknife and
had to use his front teeth, only they
must have been but Indifferent teeth at
best. You inscribe one cross mark about
where you think your tickets ought to
be. or two of them In ease you don't
care for the nominee hence the phrase,
double cross and then . you come out
of your coxy comer and hand the sym
bol of your suffrage to a gentleman who
asks you pleasantly why In Ellen Damb
Nation (no relation to Carrie of that
name, although similar In disposition)
you didn't fold It up first, and then
drops It with an almost careless gesture
through a crack In the lid of a wooden
box. And that's about all there Is to It.
Larry, so far as you're concerned, for
either your man wins or he doesn't, but
generally doesn't, and In any event you
make up your mind that the United
States, as at present constituted, will
probably be able to survive for another
four years, because while our Presidents
are not Invariably healthy, our Vice
Presidents always are. that being. In all
the known cases, their principal qualifi
cation for the Job.
"The principal fault I'd find with
election day. Larry, Is that It's such a
short and disappointing performance
after an extensive and exhaustive bally
hoo. It's too much like following a
circus , procession all over town and
back again to the show lot and winding
up under a cook tent where some eld
erly citizens of settled habits are play
ing checkers for the root beer. After
I've been going about from late June
until early November contemplating the
sideshow banners and having; the gen
tlemanly agents walking amongst me
with tickets for the after show, and
discussing the merits of the star per
formers with the casual bystander and
listening to the outside barkers and
resisting the blandishments of the
boosters and hearing the music, I nat
urally feel that It's considerable of a
come-down to be called upon to cast my
vote in the same place where I go
when the back of my neck needs shav
ing, and' then spend the rest of a tire
some day waiting for the hour when
the artist behind, the stereopticon
screen will flaah forth the tidings that
the man who was defeated by all the
straw ballots has been elected by nearly
all the real votes.
"So I would suggest. Larry, that you
off the refractory mule on the old tow
rath for the Rapid Transit Company in
the cnnal-boat days?
I fear that In his younger days the
American boy does not fully appreciate
the advantage he has over the rest of the
world In his "cliance to become Presi
dent." When he should be gathering up
pine knots to light him through the mld
nieht hours while he reads up the con
stitution and the compiled bylaws of the
Standard Oil Company In order to fit
himself to hold down his future Job. he
Is apt to be hanging over a neighboring
back gate negotiating an alliance with
his neighbor's daughter. Then he la apt
to grow careless with his chance and be
fore the grand raffle Is pulled oft he may
trade It for a Job as copy-boy In a news
paper office at S3 a week, Just because
the returns are more immediate. We lose
lots of good Presidents In this way. We
have sonte working In our office now.
We meet men every day who know
more about how to boss the country than
the men who get the Job. The woods are
full of them. We know this to be so be
cause along about election time they
meet us on every street corner and back
us up against a building and stand on
our toes while they let us Into the secret
of how to govern nations. And I want
to tell you that what these fellows don't
know about bossing the universe Isn't
worth knowing. But their valuable ser
vice In this line are lost to our country
because during thoughtless childhood
moments they became careless with their
chance In the grand raffle for President
and used It to light a cigarette with. A
great catastrophe befell our Nation when
one day In the misty past while I was
turn your attention away from your
contemplation of the melancholy culmi
nation of a lachrymose campaign and
join, with me In discussing; some sub
ject that's really got a little gimp to It."
"Wot for example?" asked the House
Detective.
"Well." said the Hotel Clerk. "I
out helping a number of other future
Presidents to rob a melon patch, my
mother gave a pair of my old pants to
a tramp " and my chance was In the
pocket. '
It must be that such unfortunate oc
currences as these Invariably happen to
boys who can't afford a safety deposit
vault and have to lug their chance
around In a ragged pocket mixed up
with marbles and tobacco tags, as I have
noticed that of late years we have never
had a President who has had to earn
his bread by the skin of his teeth. The
rail-splitter, mule-skinners and farmer
boys of the present age must be a care
less lot. or else they lack the courage
to come forward and claim the prize
when they hold the winning chance. At
any rate, this brand of President seems
to be going out of style. There Is some
thing radically wrong about this, and It
will give me renewed faith In the equal
distribution of chances to become Presi
dent when I see some husky mill hand
or an honest streetcar conductor winning
out In the Fall elections. When the grand
Presidential raffle is pulled off. If any
driver of an ash cart or night watchman
In a brewery finds that he has the win
ning chance tucked away In his vest
pocket, where It has reposed undisturbed
through the years since he received it
as his legacy as an American boy, he
should throw up his Job and claim the
prize and fight for It until he gets It,
like William J. Bryan and W. R. Hearst.
We are now on the eve of the great
Presidential raffle that is pulled off In
this country every four years, and among
all the millions of American born males
that are splattered from coast to coast
can't think of anything more absorb
ing than the dispute regarding the
true function of our best society which
Is now engaging so many minds on
both sides of the Atlantic that hereto
fore didn't have any heavier burdens
to carry In their heads than the part
in their hair. Mrs. Astor started it
and from Kalamazoo to the Everglades
there are only three, Mr. Bryan, . Mr.
Taft and Mr. Hlsgen, who are advertised
to have any chance at all to cop the
prize. Now. what has become of every
body else's chance? Are we such a care
less Nation that we can boast of only
three men at the present time who have
been able to hang onto their chances
until they grew old enough to hold down
the Job? Or are we such a modest Na
tion that the rest are too shy and retiring
to publicly admit that they have a
chance? Anyway, It iBn't right that so
many chances should be distributed to
American boys and so few American men
get In the raffle.
I have met both Mr. Taft and Mr.
Bryan, and while I have never yet met
Mr. Hlsgen. I saw an elegant cartoon
of him by Tom Powers once In the New
York American, snd I think that out
of the three we ought to be able to
pluck a fairly average sort of Presi
dent. Since the unfortunate occurrence
of my childhood days, when some
tramp fished my chance out of the
pocket of my old trousers and probably
turned it in at some saloon for a beer
check, I have never taken much interest
in Presidential elections. My interest
In these affairs has usually been con
fined to wondering which one of the
candidates had my chance. I have
sounded both Mr. Taft and Mr. Bryan
on this subject, but they have both
assured me that they haven't got It.
And from the way they looked when
they said It. I don't believe that either
of them would, have come out for the
office at all if they thought they were
off. You know of the Astors, of course,
the great family from whom we have
derived the Astor House, ' the Astor
Hotel, the Waldorf-Astoria salad, the
Astor Battery, the Astor Cigar and
William Waldorf Astor. So you see
Mrs. Astor Is qualified to speak with
the voice of authority and everybody
doing it on my chance. They both
said something about Eugene V. Debs
having It, as his chance somewhat re
sembled what they thought mine might
have been. I don't know whether they
Intended this as a slur at Mr. Debs or
myself, but in either case it was un
kind. Mr. Taft assured me that his chance
was given him by Mr. Roosevelt on
condition that If he won he would finish
up a few little Jobs that Mr. Roosevelt
has started and can't finish. Mr. Bryan
said that he has used his chance two
or three times and It Is still good for
two or three more, and as he made It
himself, he ought to know what he is
talking about when he says that it
isn't mine. Mine may not have been
very much of a chance, but I would
hate to think that either Mr. Hlsgen
or Mr. Debs has it.
Having lost my own chance to get
the President's Job, I don't give a con
tinental cuss who gets It. Knowing
Mr. Taft and Mr. Bryan personally, I
can assure tha American people that
either of them can hold down the Job
almost as well as I could do it myself,
although I have a few policies that
neither of them have In their platforms.
Our Ideas are somewhat similar, as
they have both come out for the
Roosevelt policies, and I would too If
I were in their place and thought It
was the only chance I had to win. We
are devoting our efforts to the same
life-work, as while they are aiming to
save the country through political leg
islation, I am educating the masses
LOX, TiOSE EHoECTlOM
OT-'JTXClAi-.S
sat up and listened when she came out
In an interview stating that American
society was entirely too frivolous and
sensational. It didnt do enough for art
and genius. It couldn't seem to have
a simple wedding breakfast without in
troducing some prominent resident of
the monkey cage. It couldn't pull off
with my gifted pen through the public
press. "We are all three great men, but
I have succeeded better in keeping it a
secret than either of the other two.
Anyway. I don't see much use In hav
ing any controversy over the Presiden
tial situation this Fall, when both can
didates say that they will hold down
the job along the same lines as Mr.
Roosevelt has in the past. If Mr.
Roosevelt Insists on going over to
Africa to devastate the animal kingdom,
why not call oft the election and have
Mr. Bryan and Mr. Taft collaborate on
the Job. and perhaps we can strike
some kind of a decent average that
will satisfy both parties. This would
relieve the Standard Oil Company of a
great deal of expense and anxiety, and
it would still give Mr. Hearst an ex
cuse for publishing his newspapers so
that the suffering public would con
tinue to have an interesting and relia
ble publication to turn to in their hour
of need.
I would suggest that Mr. Hlsgen be
given a job in the White House, too,
but I am afraid that the cartoonists
and comic artists of the New York
American would deface the wallpaper
with their pictures. It would be em
barrassing if some foreign Minister
would drop in some morning for a little
chat on international affairs with the
President and found Mr. Opper dipping
his finger in the Ink well and drawing
a life-size figure of Happy Hooligan
over the mantelpiece. And It might
give rise to international complications
if Tom Powers would Insist on decorat
BY
wm.
a small informal dinner without bring
ing In the Nashville Students between
the soup and the fish to present their
native cakewalkg and plantation glees'
direct from Nashville. Illinois. It was
Mrs. Astor's Idea that if a rising musi
cian reached the point where he could
bid successful defiance to the Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pianos
or a young poet turned a great epic
poem out of his system unassisted, the
leaders of Soclty ought to throw open
the trademens entrance to him and
take Mm right Into their homos and
give him a square meal, and make him
feel in every way that merit was be
ing pioperiy rewarded.
"Great excitement immediately ensued.
It was all right for Frederick Town
send Martin to become over-heated be
cause he's already engaged In reforming
society from the Inside, the same way a
skipper reforms a cheese, but I couldn't
understand why Uncle Joe Cannon, of
Danville I almost said Damville should
have burst from his cell the way he did.
It would seem he resented an Insinuation
on the part of the lady that he belonged
to a school of statesmen that wouldn't
ehine out In society. So he indulged In
a few characteristic remarks, which If
properly boiled down and skimmed off,
ought to make good soup stock.
"I think myself Mrs. Astor was right.
The only statesman of the present day
who's really qualified to make a hit in
society is the kind that gets elected to
Congress occasionally from a Gobelin
Tapestry district and spends his term at
Washington giving a clever Imitation of a
suit of clothes partially Inhabited by an
ostensible person. But on the other hand
you'd never gather from Uncle Joe's gen
eral walk and conversation that he ever
devoted a spare hour to running baby
blue ribbons In his undershirt. And he'd
have to have his profile rederrned so that
it wouldn't look so much like the coast
line of the Atlantic seaboard, north of
Cape Hatteras, and learn to wear hose
to match his carvation before he could
hope to really fit In with the cotillion
set. Even then he wouldn't feel at heme
In society and neither would society.
"Anyway after Uncle Joe had had his
say and Frederick Townsend Martin had
had his twitters. Mrs. Cornwallls West,
who used to be Lady Randolph Churchill,
contributed some pertinent remarks to
the discussion, and Mrs. Stuyvesant Fish
chimed in for the defense and others
took It up, and now every hired girl In,
the country is watching the society
column of the daily press with bated
breath for further contributions to the
controversy. I can't recall anything of
late years that has been so generally ex
citing except the New York Herald'
great plan to form an alliance between,
the United States and Mrs. Tsi An, the
widow lady that's running China."
"You can't steer me away from po
itics yet awhile." said the House De
tective. "I'm thinking purty strong of
votin' the Socialist ticket. The Socialist
speakers believe in changing things."
"Some of them believe In changing
everything but their shirts," said the
Hotl Clerk. .
ing the walls with his Nature studies
of foreign nobility. It might cause
comment, too, If "Tad" were to cut the
portraits of the Presidents from their
fpames to make room for his lifelike
studies of Tom Sharkey. Battling Nel
son, et cetera. Then, too. If the works
in the Corcoran Art Gallery were to be
changed to suit the manager of the art
department, I am afraid that some of
the American people would be as un
reasonable as they could be about it.
No, it would never do, so we will have
to leave Mr. Hlsgen out of it.
But after all, perhaps It Is Just as
well that we have a little excitement
oven it and give the public a chance to
Imagine that they are naving some
thing to say about who gets the Presi
dent's Job, and give us all an oppor
tunity to swell up with importance and
feel that we are . of some use to the
Nation as we drop In our little vote
for some guy in the opposition party
to put the kibosh on.
Passing of the Pet.
Indianapolis News.
Mary had a little PJP.
His fleas were black as Jet;
If htm they had not eaten uo
Bhe might have had him yet.
Why did the fleas the pup love so?
Oh, that is hard to guess;
But as they thrived he had to grow
Just less and less and less.
The fact of being so bereft
Mflfie Mary's spirits flRg
For of him she had only left
His collar and his tag.