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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2014)
Street roots April 1, 2014 POINT, CANTERPOINT: THE MOUNTED PATROL It’s time to send us out to pasture F Busty Dusty is a four-year veteran o f the, Portland Mounted Patrol, I Wie year is 2014, Portland. And your police still ride horses. JL How cute. Ä little clingy, bait cute. Obviously, we’re stunning creatures.-Tourists swoon and kids can’t keep their sticky fingers away from us. But'if that’s the effect you’re after, start with the guys in the saddle. Because, well, did I mention it’s 2014? Don’t even try with the tactical advantage horse pucky. I’ve heard all the arguments, from the vantage that it gives human officers to the accessibility to interact with cops to the “friendly face” it gives Portland police. Whatevs. Number one reason we get million dollar clopping rights? Crowd control. That’s really the only thing we do better than the two-legged partners. We’re fucking enormous. We’re walking, fuzzy road barriers with a license to be stubbornly immobile. We can take any nonviolent protest and ratchet up tension and intimidation with our mere presence, effortlessly masking the eyes of a trained killer with a look of abject boredom. We’re proud of the work we do, naturally. But it’s starting to feel a little too quaint, even for Portlandia. Friends of the Mounted Patrol: You know you’re my homies! Nothing but love, yo. But it’s been more than 100 years, and those damn Segways freak us the shit out. It’s embarrassing, really. Listen, I lpve, love love to stick my head ip a sack of taxpayer-funded Dixie feed as much as the next officer, and walking around with that afr\of disconnected authority is the easiest job I’ll probably ever have. On top of that, when we poop on the sidewalk, we know it’s supported by the downtown business community, a sign of a vibrant social and economic district. But the time has come for a pink slip and the pasture for good. You guys can walk.. Need help? You call for a horse on’t hate us because we’re beautiful. We have a job to do, just like you do. We work hard in ■ the field and, literally, in the field, earning pennies on the dollar to our two-legged counterparts. But we’re there, busting otir hindquarters every day, becausewe know it’s just that important. : This city relies on the mounted patrol and I can’t imagine a day in Portland without it. It is unfortunate that the city has not found a way to expand the unit further east, and instead concentrated our presence (along with fountains, festivals, streetscapiiig, storefront improvements and myriad quaint city bric-a-brac) in the city’s downtown core. How I-haiye longed for, thp day we could have a corps of mounties patrolling 82nd Avenue, or walking the beat at Portland International Airport on terrorist patrol. Let’s hope we don’t have to wait until after it’s too late. Because, really, when you’re in trouble, the first thing you want is a horse. A horse means security and stability. It means four legs, a beautiful tail that’s soothing to comb, and an imaginary conversation with an animal that understands you, and only yoh. You’re special, Portland. So are horses, We’re tall, too. When we’re looking up, we can see way over your head! And think about it: When Richard III was in dire straits, what did he call for? His horse — his kingdom for a horse! So don’t throw out the ponies with the patrolmen. Portland needs its mounted patrol like it needs water to hose us down, or green, green grass to feed us, or fresh air to cut the rich scent of Mother Nature. I’ll close with a favorite quote among the team: “A stubborn horse walks behind you, an impatient horse walks in front of you, but a noble companion walks beside you.” Oh, and two more words: Glue factory. Trotsky Trotsky is a two-year veteran o f the Portland M ounted Patrol. PAID TR A IN IN G N orthwest Beyond Limitations'" FOR PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES! 5312 NE 148th Ave. Portland, OR 97230 REQUIREMENTS: ✓ Pass a drug test ✓ Must be at least 18 ✓ Must be able to provide documentation of a disability ✓ Fluency in English ✓ Clean background check QUESTIONS? Please call (503)261-1266 or (800) 874-7917 email: dcherry@phcnw.com T keT ait H om e Where senior and disabled adults receive the care and respect they deserve. Call us for more Information (503)223-2144 1337 S.W. Washington, Portland, OR 97205 www.tafthome.org Street Roots Is a proud member of the International Network of Street Papers, now more than 120 papers strong, world wide. ■■■■■■■I Have a favorite vendor? Let us know. We like to bear ut the team's work, and w ell pass alonq the aood 8 IB H S S n
