Street roots
April 1, 2014
POINT, CANTERPOINT: THE MOUNTED PATROL
It’s time to send us out to pasture
F
Busty
Dusty is a four-year
veteran o f the,
Portland Mounted
Patrol,
I Wie year is 2014, Portland. And your police still ride
horses.
JL How cute. Ä little clingy, bait cute.
Obviously, we’re stunning creatures.-Tourists swoon and
kids can’t keep their sticky fingers away from us. But'if that’s
the effect you’re after, start with the guys in the saddle.
Because, well, did I mention it’s 2014?
Don’t even try with the tactical advantage horse pucky. I’ve
heard all the arguments, from the vantage that it gives human
officers to the accessibility to interact with cops to the
“friendly face” it gives Portland police. Whatevs. Number one
reason we get million dollar clopping rights? Crowd control.
That’s really the only thing we do better than the two-legged
partners. We’re fucking enormous. We’re walking, fuzzy road
barriers with a license to be stubbornly immobile. We can take
any nonviolent protest and ratchet up tension and intimidation
with our mere presence, effortlessly masking the eyes of a
trained killer with a look of abject boredom.
We’re proud of the work we do, naturally. But it’s starting to
feel a little too quaint, even for Portlandia.
Friends of the Mounted Patrol: You know you’re my
homies! Nothing but love, yo. But it’s been more than 100
years, and those damn Segways freak us the shit out. It’s
embarrassing, really.
Listen, I lpve, love love to stick my head ip a sack of
taxpayer-funded Dixie feed as much as the next officer, and
walking around with that afr\of disconnected authority is the
easiest job I’ll probably ever have. On top of that, when we
poop on the sidewalk, we know it’s supported by the
downtown business community, a sign of a vibrant social and
economic district.
But the time has come for a pink slip and the pasture for
good. You guys can walk..
Need help? You call for a horse
on’t hate us because we’re beautiful.
We have a job to do, just like you do. We work hard in
■
the field and, literally, in the field, earning pennies on
the dollar to our two-legged counterparts. But we’re there,
busting otir hindquarters every day, becausewe know it’s just
that important.
: This city relies on the mounted patrol and I can’t imagine a
day in Portland without it. It is unfortunate that the city has not
found a way to expand the unit further east, and instead
concentrated our presence (along with fountains, festivals,
streetscapiiig, storefront improvements and myriad quaint city
bric-a-brac) in the city’s downtown core. How I-haiye longed for,
thp day we could have a corps of mounties patrolling 82nd
Avenue, or walking the beat at Portland International Airport
on terrorist patrol. Let’s hope we don’t have to wait until after
it’s too late.
Because, really, when you’re in trouble, the first thing you
want is a horse. A horse means security and stability. It means
four legs, a beautiful tail that’s soothing to comb, and an
imaginary conversation with an animal that understands you,
and only yoh. You’re special, Portland. So are horses,
We’re tall, too. When we’re looking up, we can see way over
your head!
And think about it: When Richard III was in dire straits,
what did he call for? His horse — his kingdom for a horse!
So don’t throw out the ponies with the patrolmen. Portland
needs its mounted patrol like it needs water to hose us down,
or green, green grass to feed us, or fresh air to cut the rich
scent of Mother Nature.
I’ll close with a favorite quote among the team: “A stubborn
horse walks behind you, an impatient horse walks in front of
you, but a noble companion walks beside you.”
Oh, and two more words: Glue factory.
Trotsky
Trotsky is a two-year
veteran o f the
Portland M ounted
Patrol.
PAID TR A IN IN G
N orthwest
Beyond Limitations'"
FOR PEOPLE WITH
DISABILITIES!
5312 NE 148th Ave.
Portland, OR 97230
REQUIREMENTS:
✓ Pass a drug test
✓ Must be at least 18
✓ Must be able to provide
documentation of a disability
✓ Fluency in English
✓ Clean background check
QUESTIONS?
Please call (503)261-1266
or (800) 874-7917
email: dcherry@phcnw.com
T keT ait H om e
Where senior and disabled adults
receive the care and respect they deserve.
Call us for more Information
(503)223-2144
1337 S.W. Washington, Portland, OR 97205
www.tafthome.org
Street Roots Is a proud member of the International Network of
Street Papers, now more than 120 papers strong, world wide.
■■■■■■■I
Have a favorite vendor? Let us know. We like to bear
ut the team's work, and w ell pass alonq the aood
8
IB H S S n