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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2014)
street roots 9 April 1,2014 Ted Nugent and Phil Robertson decide on shotgun wedding Sources^ ZM Tare reporting that rock god Ted "The Head" Nugent and "Duck Dynasty"'s Phil "The Bill" Robertson are on the verge of tying the knot.' - Friends of Nugent say Robertson really has a stranglehold on Tert. "It’s embarrassing," says a close friend. "They can't keep their hands off-each other's guns. Ted told me that he even let Phil lube his rifle before shooting it last weekend. They've got the fever." Rumors started to swirl last month after a national duck hunters magazine published a photo of the two cozying up in a deer stand near Lubbock, Texas. "We're really excited about getting back to the cabin," Robertson's told the magazine. "It's going to be a free-for-all." - Sources close to the family say Robertson's lovecandsecond cousin is heartbroken. “He's been wandering around all day stepping on rusty nails and whacking birds with Ted Nugent CDs." „ Apparently,the two families have reserved an entire Cracker Barrel near Lexington, Ky., for the rehearsal dinner. "By golly, wang dang, sweet poontang. I wouldn't miss that for the world," Phil Junior told ZMT/ "We'rO sad of course that ol' Fred. Phelps isn't going to be able tooversee the ceremony. But hell, we'll be inviting T e d . Cruz dowri. You really have to guard your, back fence.when Ted's around. We drank beers with him last year in Texarkana, and leVs just say a few chicken's were choked. It was a regular ol' hootenanny." Former M u ltn o m a h C oun try C hair J e ff Cogen has c^ ou^ ed he'ITbe releasing a new book in the su m m er titled, Dope with J eff Cogen.” A n agent fo r Cogen says the book will tell his side o f the steamy story o f politics in M ultnom ah Country. . “You don't th in k J e ff is the only political powerhouse w Portland h itting the sauce do y o u ? ” The book w ill also look a t Cogen s love fo r the Grateful Dead, ice cream a n d paybacks. A Portland transplant, portrayed here by actor Tim Robbins, expresses abject sorrow a t the a m o u n t o f rain lan d in g on his adopted city. Transplants surprised by amount of rain, depression ipster transplants from across “North America say they love Portland, but are surprised by how much it rains. “My mom told me it was going to be wet, but I had no idea. Where I’m from blah, blah, blah,” said a 20-something wearing skinny jeans and a UCLA sweatshirt. Last year, Street Roots delivered the first in a series of depressing reports on a new unscientific study called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. In its second year, the report now says there is actual proof that SAD is altering people’s behavior, but how, is not exactly known. Armchair typist and citizen journalist, sometimes environmentalist, human rights activist, bird chaser, coffee and beer connoisseur, rider of bicycles, vegetarian and cook, and co-author of SAD, James “Joyce” Irjshpants said the new report proves that Portlanders are not weird per say, but just unique, interesting and very intellectually dark. “I don’t know if I would say that we are more depressed. I mean, I’m certainly depressed, but I think it’s more about .the world around us than the rain,” Irishpants said. “I personally blame Russia.” “We are a city full of cliches,” says a professor living off of his useless advices “It’s very poetic in a way. I like to think of Portland as an Edgar Allan Poe novel meets the rich, white, condescending, city dwellers that we are.” The report also notes that while global warming is thought to eventually wreak havoc and destroy our way of life in the Pacific Northwest, that it’s possibly, that during our lifetime we could see warmer winters. “It’s bittersweet, depending on how you look at it,” says Irishpants, “It’s a hell of lot better than Arizona,” he added. “Have you seen what white people look hke'after living there for 20 years? Talk about depressing.” EEL HAT, from page 20 merge onto 1-35 N/I-80 E, Continue tofollow 1-80 E , Entering Illinois. Take the exit to stay on 1-80 E toward Chicago Partial toll road. Slight right onto 1-80 Toll road. Merge onto J H Head north on NW 6th Ave toward NW Couch St 2. Turn” right onto NW Couch St. Take the 1st right onto NW 5th Ave. Take the 1st left onto W Burnside St. Turn left onto NE Grand Ave. Turn right onto the Interstate 84 E/U.S. 30 E ramp to Portland Airport/The Dalles. Merge onto 1-84 E/U.S. 30 E. Take exit 28 toward Bridal Veil, Historic Columbia River Hwy. Merge onto E Bridal Veil Rd. Continue onto E Historic Columbia River. Slight right toward 1-84 E/U.S. 30 E (signs for 1-84 E/US-30 E/HOod River): Merge onto 1-84 E/U.S. 30 E via the ramp to Dodson/Warrendale/Hood River. Continue to follow 1-84 E Entering Idaho. Take the Interstate 84 E exit toward Ogden/Salt Lake: Merge onto 1-84 E, entering Utah/Slight rightto stay on .I-84 E (signs for Cheyenne) Keep left at the ... fork, follow signs for 1-80 E/Cheyenne and merge onto 1-80 E. Passing through Wyoming, Nebraska and entering Iowa, take exit 123B toward Interstate 35 S. Follow signs for 1-80 E/I-35 N/Chicago/Minneapolis and 1-80 E. Partial toll road entering Indiana. Take exit 16 to merge onto 1-80 E/I-90 E. Partial toll road entering Ohio. Keep left to continue on 1-80 E Toll road. Take exit 218 for 1-80 E. Keep left at the fork, follow signs for Mahoning Ave/OH-18 and merge onto 1-80 E.^ Passing through Pennsylvania, entering New Jersey, keep left to continue on J-280 E, follow signs for Interstate 280 E/The Oranges/Newark/New Jersey Turnpike. Take exit 17A toward County 508/E/Jersey City. Merge onto Newark Ave. Slight left onto the US 1 N/US 9 N ramp to Lincoln^ Tunnel/Secaucus. Keep right at the fork, follow signs for New Jersey 139 E/Hoboken/ Holland Tunnel, Keep left at the fork and merge onto NJ-139 E. Merge onto 1-78 E. Entering New York, take-the exit on tlie left toward Downtown. Take exit 4 toward Downtown. Turn right onto Varick S t Turn left onto Worth St 37.
