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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2011)
12 street roots April 1, 2011 Feds: Gant be worse than what we’ve already done STAFF REPORTS ealth officials with Japan, and now the United States say that radiation in the air isn’t so bad, and people should stop freaking out. “Please. Stop freaking out,” says one official with the International Atomic Energy Agency. “We’ve been doing nuclear testing on folks for the past 60 years, and we’re very confident that this latest episode in Japan will not produce any more harm to people than hasn’t already been, happening for years.” “We’re also very confident that radiation found in the Pacific Ocean will dp ho more harm to wildlife than anything else we’ve already dumped in there. It’s a big resilient ocean.” Health Department officials in Oregon say they , don’t reaHy know orunderstand the problem, but have been told by federal and international officials to downplay concerns about radiation. “We’re very • confident in doing what we’re told,” says one Multnomah County spokesperson. Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the United States Atomic Energy Commission says that people have nothing to fear. “The U.S. was the first to create and use Atomic energy, and I can guarantee you we’ll be the last. It’s the greenest energy in the | world until it’s not.” Conspiracy theorists around the globe are thought to be going absolutely bonkers, and say this could be the mother load. A special series on the History Channel this spring will be dedicated to the relationship H ■WW W gPffTff L1HJ Wltj,' " UFQ’s, Military technology, Nazi Germany, and the latest earthquake of the coast of Japan. . The President of the United ¡States told reporters that he thanked God that we had the largest military in the history of the universe to deal with the aftermath of the earthquake, and hoped that by offering assistance to the Japanese people they will be grateful this time for rebuilding their country. Newspapers bring people together! Weather responsible for more of our problems BY TILLIE-MAE SNOPES . STAFF WRITJER pparently, Portland’s weather, long responsible for Seasonal Affected Disorder, or SAD, is now altering , people’s behavior in more deeply cognitive ways. That’s according to a nonscientific study of comments overheard in the Street Roots office and Backspace Cafe. ’*~T7*?moveTieyo?i3TR^*^picaTwhme/" people are now crediting the grey skies and rain for their behavior as complete and utter assholes. Several people SR talked with say that until this winter, everything was going just fine. “My marriage was great until my partner got depressed, and then things went to shit,” says one man. “We went to see a counselor who told us we should start communicating, and that maybe we needed to introduce some new ‘activities’ into our lives. We called the counselor on that crap. We knew it was the rain?’ Another map says tijat he didn’t leave his couch for more than three weeks, and believes that if he had the sun to keep him Justice, one woman says this year has been motivated, he might think about moving especially bad, and that until people . more often. “Maybe,” he said. “What collectively got out of their funk, we may difference does it make?” lose our ability to even recognize the sun, y “I usedto call them sad drops. Now I call even if it makes its expected return in Julyfy them angry drops,” said Ramona, age four. y A meteorologist for Channel 6 news says “It makes me want to hurt my dollies.” that he couldn’t support that line of At a local rain circle hosted by Pagans for thinking, but also refrained from making any ■ P AR IS S TR E ET:.R A IN Y © A Y B Y G U S TAV E CAILLEBO TTE promises that it would stop raining by July. “I don’t care what anyone says, I love the rain,” sayS a punk wearing an Elliot Smith T-shirt who obviously bangs out at a local coffee shop and performs at poetry reading around town. “The grey skies are like y earth’s cries. There’s something profound about it all.”
