12
street roots
April 1, 2011
Feds: Gant be
worse than what
we’ve already done
STAFF REPORTS
ealth officials with Japan, and now
the United States say that radiation
in the air isn’t so bad, and people
should stop freaking out.
“Please. Stop freaking out,” says one
official with the International Atomic
Energy Agency. “We’ve been doing nuclear
testing on folks for the past 60 years, and
we’re very confident that this latest
episode in Japan will not produce any more
harm to people than hasn’t already been,
happening for years.”
“We’re also very confident that radiation
found in the Pacific Ocean will dp ho more
harm to wildlife than anything else we’ve
already dumped in there. It’s a big resilient
ocean.”
Health Department officials in Oregon
say they , don’t reaHy know orunderstand
the problem, but have been told by federal
and international officials to downplay
concerns about radiation. “We’re very •
confident in doing what we’re told,” says
one Multnomah County spokesperson.
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the
United States Atomic Energy Commission
says that people have nothing to fear. “The
U.S. was the first to create and use Atomic
energy, and I can guarantee you we’ll be
the last. It’s the greenest energy in the |
world until it’s not.”
Conspiracy theorists around the globe
are thought to be going absolutely bonkers,
and say this could be the mother load. A
special series on the History Channel this
spring will be dedicated to the relationship
H
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UFQ’s, Military technology, Nazi Germany,
and the latest earthquake of the coast of
Japan.
.
The President of the United ¡States told
reporters that he thanked God that we had
the largest military in the history of the
universe to deal with the aftermath of the
earthquake, and hoped that by offering
assistance to the Japanese people they will
be grateful this time for rebuilding their
country.
Newspapers bring people together!
Weather responsible for more of our problems
BY TILLIE-MAE SNOPES
. STAFF WRITJER
pparently, Portland’s weather, long
responsible for Seasonal Affected
Disorder, or SAD, is now altering ,
people’s behavior in more deeply cognitive
ways. That’s according to a nonscientific
study of comments overheard in the Street
Roots office and Backspace Cafe.
’*~T7*?moveTieyo?i3TR^*^picaTwhme/"
people are now crediting the grey skies and
rain for their behavior as complete and utter
assholes. Several people SR talked with say
that until this winter, everything was going
just fine.
“My marriage was great until my partner
got depressed, and then things went to
shit,” says one man. “We went to see a
counselor who told us we should start
communicating, and that maybe we needed
to introduce some new ‘activities’ into our
lives. We called the counselor on that crap.
We knew it was the rain?’
Another map says tijat he didn’t leave his
couch for more than three weeks, and
believes that if he had the sun to keep him
Justice, one woman says this year has been
motivated, he might think about moving
especially bad, and that until people .
more often. “Maybe,” he said. “What
collectively got out of their funk, we may
difference does it make?”
lose our ability to even recognize the sun,
y “I usedto call them sad drops. Now I call
even if it makes its expected return in Julyfy
them angry drops,” said Ramona, age four.
y A meteorologist for Channel 6 news says
“It makes me want to hurt my dollies.”
that he couldn’t support that line of
At a local rain circle hosted by Pagans for
thinking, but also refrained from making any
■
P AR IS S TR E ET:.R A IN Y © A Y B Y G U S TAV E CAILLEBO TTE
promises that it would stop raining by July.
“I don’t care what anyone says, I love the
rain,” sayS a punk wearing an Elliot Smith
T-shirt who obviously bangs out at a local
coffee shop and performs at poetry reading
around town. “The grey skies are like y
earth’s cries. There’s something profound
about it all.”