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About The Clackamas print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1989-2019 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 27, 2004)
rinmentarij th<c LACK AM. A sprint October 27, 2004 • 7 The Most Important of all time fcombies vs. Vampires I Vince D ’Amato took a great idea and made it into a sham for the sake of the dollars shelled out by suckers like us who foam at the mouth over.the slightest whisper of ’ ffiring-impaired “living-impaired” beings being? yvith with his 2004 straight-to-video release “Vampires vs. Zombies. ” That, at best, F-movie left its target audience with a bitter taste, unfortunately not theisavory taste of brain matter, in its mouth and one gigantic question hovering bat-like in the air: who would win in a fight between vampires and zombies? hbies leave bad aftertaste Vampires make afterlife hard Isaiah Creel A I Mietisele Cooper , Editor-in-Chief res are pansies. All of that lace effectively rot on a whim. Although om their pale necks must force utterly impossible, this fraudulent capa shave in that totally flamboyant bility brings up the question of whether rwise ridiculous fashion they or not a vampire could bite a zombie., ttractive. For the most part, The answer is a resounding no. id it more enjoyable to cavort You see if a vampire were to bring its • “pets” rather than participate head into effective biting range, the zom ¡ale slaughter, which is one of bie would undoubtedly and unknowingly 1st shames in all of monsterdoim bite the vampire. How would this hap- , are gifted with many caOabilir vampires are so unearthly :h would proye^MH' e answer is simple, Horatio: ■ng but a fragile hi r While zombif® bethink about their ¿e flight, speeds strength and actions!, n’t think at all and base jnging would-be good.ngaiti|t everything orrfj The reality of Situation is that by my opponent, for some inexpli- z son only the oldest vampires *yhe timelthe ' : vam had to deal with hose qualities to any practical the me zombie me it ¿would have reached pandemic proportions. With the seems that fo : most part the zombies’Awesome powers of super gs vampires oing for strength, stow walking and stupidity, flHtundeniab coupled with their insatiable¡appetite for gs the question ^How/wfi flesh and the\ability to convert their vic- lyou seduce a z bie?l .iy and easily, the zombies di the zombie priest and zom- IgBo problem slowly over- f|pm “Dead Aliv< did share whel the relatively few vampires ateynoment but that was based left t m off. tual^ attraction and certain \ If it were a -on-one struggle, the ?f tranquilizer^ Other zombie would I* destroyed with the n isolated incidences, zombies utmost efficiency Wlten dealing with e a wIMibr sexual contact and l^zombies, however, never a one-on- e most p une to the kind pnq confijct and rein lies the awe- monly ulMl» il roofies”® Zombie. to subdue their ffBd fighting off a zombie rid controlling tW3^ dequi valent of fighting a land lack of meat do anyhbw? "7” China, but the vampires would K. Hamilton’s “Anita Blake” have the misfortune of having to sleep nets a myriad of vampires with all day... while the zombies are forced to y varied list of abilities. One kill, and thus bolster their numbers, ity is that of a zombie/vamp around the clock. Sucks to be a vampire onster who has the ability to don’t it? The Clackamas Print Vampires, with their superior strength, cunning, ability to change into animals and seduce beautiful damsels, would obviously win' in a fight against zombies. First, let us look at the Anne Rice vampire. Sex, money and more sex abound within this vampiric society. The zombies would be hard-pressed to fit in so well and so beautifully with the humans, milking them an easy target during the unforgiving daylight hours. With the vampires safely asleep in their coffins during then day, the zombies would be fipreed to fight them at night. This wot® leave the zombies victim to their poojjfeyesight against the wonder ful nightwision of thewampires. Poor vision, ylu ask? Well, they are made o£ rotting flesh. Moving on to the breed of vampire that spawned from th< “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” universe, we see that the power of the vampire increases not only with its creation, but also with the size of the “lobotomy forehead” it receives when it gets angrJP* For example, it seems that once you become a vanmire, you know karate. This is a staple in the modem vampire’s powers. Not only do you know karate, you’re really damn good at it, too. This power only doubles oi even triples when you put on your “lobotomy forehead,” a.k.a. get really pissed. The “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” vampire, coupled with the Anne Rice vampire, could easily outwit and out match the zombies in a fight. Now, lets look at the zombie itself. Not much going on there, is it? Rotting flesh, stunted motor skills, as well as the inability to speak. What would the zom bie do? Say “murrr” and twitch a little? The vampire could easily take out the zombie. Indeed, as we have seen in such movies as. “2.8..jPavsL Later.” anyone can kill a zombie! However, only a strong “slayer” can stand a chance against a vampire. However, I will admit that the zom bies do have the exponential breeding rate going for them. But; while it is said that zombies would win by their sheer numbers, I doubt this greatly. Even though the zombie “disease” would spread much faster than th® vampires coqld sire more of their kind] the vam pires would still win. With the vam- pire’sdong life-span, ability to regener- ate and thus superior knowledge of all kinds of stuff, they would be able to deal with such a fast-spreading disease such as zombies quite easily. : So, it should be clear by this point that vampires would win A a fight because of their incredible and intuitive karate skills, as well as their superior knowledge of lots of cool, timeless things. Vampires are like the Yodas of the undead. Wise, lull of pros etbs and they know some kick-ass fighting tech niques. Some breeds of vampire even find themselves,with psychic powers after along period of time, making them even stronger and more Jedi-like. You see, because of the vampire’s strength, intelligence and overall suave style, it would beat the zombie into the ground any day. istant fear leaves Americans unable to choose wisely 11 Triplett 'riter is a more powerful >r than ant sori of truth, tot just talking about raid 1 am talking about yzing fear that it is just a f time before a mush- Jud erupts in our own I, and that we could die nds of a terrorist at any v this fear because I am 'can. 1 remember seeing vers fall on television, I :r realizing that this is vulnerable, and I •r realizing that 1 am vul- It was a scary feeling, 11 is. It felt like a time to 1 S. Molalla Ave. in City, OR 97045 657-6958 ex. 2309 ¡ ckamas Print is a weekly mt publication and is d every Wednesday except finals week. sweep my criticism of Geoige W. Bush, and trust the president to do his job as commander-in chief: protect our country. ■ This fear has made us blind to the Huth In the dajs leading up to March 20. 2003, and in the flay s since then, George W. Bush has showed the American people how he feeis about the trust we put in him after the World Trade Center fell, issuing state ments ranging from outrageous lies to borderline propaganda. He and his administration have taken advantage of our fear, and hijacked it for their own purposes. The first place young children will look to lor truth is their par ents When children are afraid. E phor - in -C hief : Isaiah Creel C opy E phor : James Tombe N ews E phor : Ben Maras O pinion E phor : Hilliary Ferguson F eature E ditor .- Karlin Johnson A&E E phor : Cory Price S ports E phor : Nie Delzell P hoto E phor : Joel Gaynor their parents* first job is to com turned out there was no ev idence You can change things. You fort them and make them feel of any weapons being built Mn show this administration that safe. I ikewise, when we arc there? Would we not be a little you are not afraid. If you vote for attacked, we want to rally around suspicious of France's motives? John Retry, he will do a real job out leader, and we want to be if France claimed that they were of protecting this country told everything will be ok. “liberators” and not occupiers, Anybody who has watched the ggl George Bush told us he would would we not still be a little sus debates knows that he has pro do just that, and a year-and-a-half picious of whether their motives vided facts, while Bush has pro after 9/11, we attacked Iraq. were actually imperialistic? vided mostly repetitive rhetoric, Those of us w ho supported the I love my country, and I designed to make Kerry look war did so because die shadow of wanted to believe the president incompetent without giving any September II th still hung over was doing the best he could for factual evidence that he is I his our heads, and in tnith, it didn’t us But 1 am not a child any is just another scare tactic, matter so much to us who the bad more, and I know better than to designed to remind us that we guys were, so long as we got believe a comforting lie, one should be afraid, unless we have them that soldiers died for. They Mommy Bush and Daddy Imagine if France attacked may have died fighting for Cheney to protect us. We are at another country and told the whai they believed was right, war, and w e need a president that world that there were weapons of and they- may have died heroes, will finish this responsibly. We mass destruction there, pointed at but they died on the basis of a need a president that will not France How would we feel it it ||b. and that is a tragedy. sacrifice tnith to rule by tear S taff W riters : Michele Bluemmel, Tony Cho, Ashley Cline, Cyrus Cross, Brandon Delzell, Matt Hanrahan, Frank Jordan, Cassie Mathieson, Michael McCormack, Yasmine Najmabadi, Joe Piazzisi, Amanda Polopolus, Jacob Ray Jeff Sorensen, Jadon Triplett; Becky Wiley, Katie Wilson P ropuchon A ssistants : Jesse Arguello, Joanne Bergstrom, Stephen Bostwick, Alyssa Buster, Monica Gizowski, Norma Martinez, Angela McDaniel, My que Obiero, Gregg Radspinner, Diane Tierney P hotographers : Brie Daykin, Truman Anderson A d M anager : Ben Holm D esign E phor : Michaele Cooper D epartment A dvisor : Linda Vogt D epartment A ssistant : Pat Lichen G oals .* Hie C lackamas Print aims to report the news in an honest, unbiased, professional manner. The opinions expressed do not neces sarily reflect those of the student body college administration, its faculty or The Print. E-mail comments to cheifed@clackamas.edu.
