rinmentarij
th<c LACK AM. A sprint
October 27, 2004
• 7
The Most Important
of all time
fcombies vs. Vampires
I Vince D ’Amato took a great idea and made it into a sham for the sake of the dollars shelled out by suckers like us who foam at the mouth over.the slightest whisper of
’ ffiring-impaired
“living-impaired” beings
being? yvith
with his 2004 straight-to-video release “Vampires vs. Zombies. ” That, at best, F-movie left its target audience with a bitter taste, unfortunately
not theisavory taste of brain matter, in its mouth and one gigantic question hovering bat-like in the air: who would win in a fight between vampires and zombies?
hbies leave bad aftertaste Vampires make afterlife hard
Isaiah Creel
A I Mietisele Cooper
, Editor-in-Chief
res are pansies. All of that lace effectively rot on a whim. Although
om their pale necks must force utterly impossible, this fraudulent capa
shave in that totally flamboyant bility brings up the question of whether
rwise ridiculous fashion they or not a vampire could bite a zombie.,
ttractive. For the most part, The answer is a resounding no.
id it more enjoyable to cavort
You see if a vampire were to bring its
• “pets” rather than participate head into effective biting range, the zom
¡ale slaughter, which is one of bie would undoubtedly and unknowingly
1st shames in all of monsterdoim bite the vampire. How would this hap-
, are gifted with many caOabilir
vampires are so unearthly
:h would proye^MH'
e answer is simple, Horatio:
■ng but a fragile hi
r While zombif®
bethink about their
¿e flight, speeds strength and actions!,
n’t think at all and base
jnging would-be good.ngaiti|t everything orrfj
The reality of
Situation is that by
my opponent, for some inexpli- z
son only the oldest vampires *yhe timelthe
' : vam
had to deal with
hose qualities to any practical the
me zombie me
it ¿would have
reached pandemic proportions. With the
seems that fo
: most part the zombies’Awesome powers of super
gs vampires
oing for strength, stow walking and stupidity,
flHtundeniab
coupled with their insatiable¡appetite for
gs the question ^How/wfi
flesh and the\ability to convert their vic-
lyou seduce a z bie?l
.iy and easily, the zombies
di the zombie priest and zom-
IgBo problem slowly over-
f|pm “Dead Aliv< did share whel
the relatively few vampires
ateynoment but that was based left t
m off.
tual^ attraction and
certain \ If it were a
-on-one struggle, the
?f
tranquilizer^ Other zombie would
I* destroyed with the
n isolated incidences, zombies
utmost efficiency Wlten dealing with
e a wIMibr sexual contact and l^zombies, however,
never a one-on-
e most p
une to the kind pnq confijct and
rein lies the awe-
monly ulMl»
il roofies”®
Zombie.
to subdue their
ffBd fighting off a zombie
rid controlling tW3^
dequi valent of fighting a land
lack of meat do anyhbw? "7”
China, but the vampires would
K. Hamilton’s “Anita Blake” have the misfortune of having to sleep
nets a myriad of vampires with all day... while the zombies are forced to
y varied list of abilities. One kill, and thus bolster their numbers,
ity is that of a zombie/vamp around the clock. Sucks to be a vampire
onster who has the ability to don’t it?
The Clackamas Print
Vampires, with their superior
strength, cunning, ability to change into
animals and seduce beautiful damsels,
would obviously win' in a fight against
zombies.
First, let us look at the Anne Rice
vampire. Sex, money and more sex
abound within this vampiric society.
The zombies would be hard-pressed to
fit in so well and so beautifully with the
humans, milking them an easy target
during the unforgiving daylight hours.
With the vampires safely asleep in their
coffins during then day, the zombies
would be fipreed to fight them at night.
This wot® leave the zombies victim to
their poojjfeyesight against the wonder
ful nightwision of thewampires. Poor
vision, ylu ask? Well, they are made o£
rotting flesh.
Moving on to the breed of vampire
that spawned from th< “Buffy the
Vampire Slayer” universe, we see that
the power of the vampire increases not
only with its creation, but also with the
size of the “lobotomy forehead” it
receives when it gets angrJP*
For example, it seems that once you
become a vanmire, you know karate.
This is a staple in the modem vampire’s
powers. Not only do you know karate,
you’re really damn good at it, too. This
power only doubles oi even triples when
you put on your “lobotomy forehead,”
a.k.a. get really pissed.
The “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”
vampire, coupled with the Anne Rice
vampire, could easily outwit and out
match the zombies in a fight.
Now, lets look at the zombie itself.
Not much going on there, is it? Rotting
flesh, stunted motor skills, as well as the
inability to speak. What would the zom
bie do? Say “murrr” and twitch a little?
The vampire could easily take out the
zombie. Indeed, as we have seen in such
movies as. “2.8..jPavsL Later.” anyone can
kill a zombie! However, only a strong
“slayer” can stand a chance against a
vampire.
However, I will admit that the zom
bies do have the exponential breeding
rate going for them. But; while it is said
that zombies would win by their sheer
numbers, I doubt this greatly. Even
though the zombie “disease” would
spread much faster than th® vampires
coqld sire more of their kind] the vam
pires would still win. With the vam-
pire’sdong life-span, ability to regener-
ate and thus superior knowledge of all
kinds of stuff, they would be able to
deal with such a fast-spreading disease
such as zombies quite easily. :
So, it should be clear by this point
that vampires would win A a fight
because of their incredible and intuitive
karate skills, as well as their superior
knowledge of lots of cool, timeless
things. Vampires are like the Yodas of
the undead. Wise, lull of pros etbs and
they know some kick-ass fighting tech
niques. Some breeds of vampire even
find themselves,with psychic powers
after along period of time, making them
even stronger and more Jedi-like.
You see, because of the vampire’s
strength, intelligence and overall suave
style, it would beat the zombie into the
ground any day.
istant fear leaves Americans unable to choose wisely
11 Triplett
'riter
is a more powerful
>r than ant sori of truth,
tot just talking about
raid 1 am talking about
yzing fear that it is just a
f time before a mush-
Jud erupts in our own
I, and that we could die
nds of a terrorist at any
v this fear because I am
'can. 1 remember seeing
vers fall on television, I
:r realizing that this
is vulnerable, and I
•r realizing that 1 am vul-
It was a scary feeling,
11 is. It felt like a time to
1 S. Molalla Ave.
in City, OR 97045
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¡ ckamas Print is a weekly
mt publication and is
d every Wednesday except
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sweep my criticism of Geoige W.
Bush, and trust the president to
do his job as commander-in
chief: protect our country.
■ This fear has made us blind to
the Huth In the dajs leading up
to March 20. 2003, and in the
flay s since then, George W. Bush
has showed the American people
how he feeis about the trust we
put in him after the World
Trade Center fell, issuing state
ments ranging from outrageous
lies to borderline propaganda.
He and his administration have
taken advantage of our fear,
and hijacked it for their own
purposes.
The first place young children
will look to lor truth is their par
ents When children are afraid.
E phor - in -C hief : Isaiah Creel
C opy E phor : James Tombe
N ews E phor : Ben Maras
O pinion E phor : Hilliary
Ferguson
F eature E ditor .- Karlin Johnson
A&E E phor : Cory Price
S ports E phor : Nie Delzell
P hoto E phor : Joel Gaynor
their parents* first job is to com turned out there was no ev idence
You can change things. You
fort them and make them feel of any weapons being built Mn show this administration that
safe. I ikewise, when we arc there? Would we not be a little you are not afraid. If you vote for
attacked, we want to rally around suspicious of France's motives? John Retry, he will do a real job
out leader, and we want to be if France claimed that they were of protecting this country
told everything will be ok.
“liberators” and not occupiers, Anybody who has watched the
ggl George Bush told us he would would we not still be a little sus debates knows that he has pro
do just that, and a year-and-a-half picious of whether their motives vided facts, while Bush has pro
after 9/11, we attacked Iraq. were actually imperialistic?
vided mostly repetitive rhetoric,
Those of us w ho supported the
I love my country, and I designed to make Kerry look
war did so because die shadow of wanted to believe the president incompetent without giving any
September II th still hung over was doing the best he could for factual evidence that he is I his
our heads, and in tnith, it didn’t us But 1 am not a child any is just another scare tactic,
matter so much to us who the bad more, and I know better than to designed to remind us that we
guys were, so long as we got believe a comforting lie, one should be afraid, unless we have
them
that soldiers died for. They Mommy Bush and Daddy
Imagine if France attacked may have died fighting for Cheney to protect us. We are at
another country and told the whai they believed was right, war, and w e need a president that
world that there were weapons of and they- may have died heroes, will finish this responsibly. We
mass destruction there, pointed at but they died on the basis of a need a president that will not
France How would we feel it it ||b. and that is a tragedy.
sacrifice tnith to rule by tear
S taff W riters : Michele
Bluemmel, Tony Cho, Ashley
Cline, Cyrus Cross, Brandon
Delzell, Matt Hanrahan, Frank
Jordan, Cassie Mathieson,
Michael McCormack, Yasmine
Najmabadi, Joe Piazzisi,
Amanda Polopolus, Jacob Ray
Jeff Sorensen, Jadon Triplett;
Becky Wiley, Katie Wilson
P ropuchon A ssistants : Jesse
Arguello, Joanne Bergstrom,
Stephen Bostwick, Alyssa Buster,
Monica Gizowski, Norma
Martinez, Angela McDaniel,
My que Obiero, Gregg
Radspinner, Diane Tierney
P hotographers : Brie Daykin,
Truman Anderson
A d M anager : Ben Holm
D esign E phor : Michaele Cooper
D epartment A dvisor : Linda Vogt
D epartment A ssistant : Pat Lichen
G oals .* Hie C lackamas Print aims to report
the news in an honest, unbiased, professional
manner. The opinions expressed do not neces
sarily reflect those of the student body college
administration, its faculty or The Print. E-mail
comments to cheifed@clackamas.edu.