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About The Clackamas print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1989-2019 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 28, 2001)
12__________ A&E WcdNEsdAy, NovENibER 28, 2001 The ClAckAMAs P rint Harry Potter film lives up to book’s magic ISAIAH CREEL Staff Writer “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,” a novel by J.K. Rowling, is the latest edition to the Warner Brothers film library. It appeared in over one-quarter of theaters na tionwide Fri., Nov. 16, and has since grossed over $188 million. Four years ago, way back in 1997, J.K. Rowling introduced the world to Harry Potter, a mischievous 11- year-old with astounding powers, unknown to him. His foster par ents, the Dursley’s, take care of him after he was dropped at their door step, as a result of his parents un timely demise at the hands of evil sorcerer Volde... You-Know-Who. His upbringing is a horrendous ordeal of criticism, battery and sleeping in a closet. His wicked stepparents never allow him the truth of his heritage: Harry is a wiz ard. On his 11th birthday, Harry is visited by a mysteriously large man named Hagrid, who reveals Hany’s true identity as a wizard and his destiny to go to Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Upon his arri val, Harry makes some true friends, has many big adventures and learns the true importance of the power of love. This film was suprisingly cheesier than the book, quite long (approximately three hours) and by the end of the film, every childhood lesson and cliché was made appar ent. The children themselves must have been chosen for their comi cal appearance rather than acting prowess. Hany was the exception, of course. I would recommend this film to children 12 and under, but if you do feel like a lighthearted romp in the realm of the dark arts, “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” is a sure home run. It is, however, a near-perfect ad aptation of the book, with a few minor quirks. I, personally, was offended by the lack of song-and- dance routine by the Sorting Hat in the movie. Hagrid, though, was of adequate size comparative to the rest of the people, and Professor Dumbeldore fit the stereotypical wise wizard image perfectly. The movie-going experience was slightly dampened by the amount of cheering, screaming and hush ing which has become, unfortu nately, all too present in the Disney/children’s film scene. When Harry would do something brave, the children would clap and cheer. When someone would fall down, they would laugh mania cally. When I made running com mentary however, the whole the ater fell silent, except for that hor rible, horrible man who hushed me into submission. His children won’t turn out like me now, thank God. I must admit that I did feel like a tool by contributing to this money making machine. If you aren’t con vinced against it, though, go see “Harry Potter” before 3:00pm (to avoid the chaotic atmosphere that has become the staple of the child movie genre). The hard truth about Viagra I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf. Humor in the proper hands can be an effective tool to raise social consciousness. Unfortu nately, I no longer feel myself a suitable conduit for this style of commentary. Nothing I’ve shared up to this point is going to raise anyone’s consciousness unless they’re a dozen Jagermeister shots the other side ofNeverland. With this in mind, I would like to seriously address a devastating affliction rampag ing through our workforce. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has come into its own as the scourge of twenty-first century America. No longer a secretarial pool se cret, it has become America’s worst nightmare. Musicians, me chanics, executives, secretaries and laborers, all have fallen vic tim. Ergonomic keyboards and wrist braces are not the answer. We must take a hard look at the root of the problem. One of the biggest clues to date: a marked decrease in the number of cases reported in women and a corresponding in crease in similar cases in men. Some would say this is a posi tive sign the work place is becoming more equal; women are getting more time in the boardroom and less in front of the keyboard, while men are filling more posi tions traditionally held by women. This seemingly opti mistic shroud of progress is what makes this insidious attack on America so devastating, and it is a. deliberate attack. Since time is critical I’ll spell it out for you: Viagra. Jacking up public-hopes by erecting a promise of sexual sal vation for men and women alike, this sinister marital aid has had a major hand in the crippling of 'America. (There is a room-in volved all right, but it has noth ing to do with being bored). It’s time to face facts, people, the problem is right in the palm of your hand - every time you shake a little blue tablet from the pre scription bottle o’ luv. In keeping with my new,' humble calling to aid mankind, I ask not for strokes, but a call for action against those responsible. Who would do this soft of thing you ask? Who has the most to gain? Who hates America that much? Once again the answer is not obvious until we discern a more subtle connection. For this we can thank Mrs. Mercer’s seventh grade math class and a life with a frigid ex-girl- friend. Here’s the equation: Viagra + (A) aOW = Car pal Tunnel. If OW=signifigant other, then A equals V (A = V). From here any teenager can fill in the blanks. V is, of course, Vaseline. And there you have it - petroleum jelly. Oil wells. And whom do we know with vast oil fields and a hatred of America? Do I really have to mention He-Who-Must-Not- Be-Named? That swarthy little crudeslinger knows he can’t hold out forever. Anthrax is just a diversion to distract us from his master plan to convert the Iraqi economy from fuel oil to personal lubricants and thereby defeat the embargo while crippling our data entry infrastructure. It’s diabolical, but I see through it. I’m betting a few well-placed public service announcements would wake up the nation and turn the tide. I humbly recom mend Jenna Jameson, or possi bly the Yankees, as appropri ate spokespersons to spear head this drive. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go find another Ace bandage. Scorpio (October 23- November 21): You are on fire this week! Many people admire your resil ience and table manners. Go out some time this week and let loose. Be wary of anyone wearing the color orange, as they may spoil your good time. Your theme song this week: “Gigantic” by the Pix ies. week. Let your culinary mastery grow and develop. Enjoy your fam ily and have fun with your pets. If you have no pets or family, con struct some using cardboard and a bucket. Your theme song this week: “Ace of Spades” by Motorhead. IT/ y- Aries (March 21- April 19): For give the mistakes your lovedr ones have made in the past. Clem ency is important, and those in need of it will appreciate your maturity and kindness. Also, eat lots of greens to build up iron. Your theme song this week: “People Mover” by Servotron. Taurus (April 20- May 20):In or der to function well in any situa tion, you must learn to compro mise. Give a little if you expect to get a little (or depending on how well you play your cards—a lot). Expect a sudden change to abruptly rock your life. Your theme song this week: “Sweet Tuesday Morning” by Badfinger. Gemini (May 21- June 20): This week, indulge your inner-most desires. You can apply this ad vice to pretty much anything. Stop counting calories and take a long bubble bath. Your theme song this week: “Room Full of Mirrors” by Jimi Hendrix. Cancer (June 21- July 22): Keep your eye on the prize. Not literally, of course; it is likely hazardous to place your eye on foreign objects. Be careful-eround dogs this week, as they will have a tendency to not act very friendly towards you. Your theme song this week: “Seven Days” by Bob Dylan. Leo (July 23-August 22): There are some people out there who would love to see you fait miserably. Do not give them the satisfaction. For everything you do this week, put tons of effort into it and become a huge success. After you make your first million dollars, throw a big party and don’t invite those who rooted for your collapse. Your theme song this week: “Mongol oid” by Devo. Virgo (August 23- September 22): You will have a great appreciation for nature this week. Finding beauty wherever you go seems to be an irrepressible skill you pos sess. Rainbows seem to appear wherever you go, so keep up the positive vibes, as they will have a tendency to rub off on others. Your theme song this week: “New Kid in Town” by the Eagles. Libra (September 23- October 22): You are about to acquire brand new skills that will help you work through your recent troubles. Pos sibly x-ray. vision or flight. Re member to use these powers for good, not dvil. Your theme song this week: “Yellow Dirt” by Seals and Croft. Sagittarius (November 22- Decem ber 21): This is the year you quit procrastinating and get all your holiday shopping done before De cember rolls around. If you can avoid any confrontations with an noying mall folk, your shopping experience is sure to be a fruitful, possibly enjoyable, one. Your theme song this week: “It’s Gonna’ Be Me” by ‘N Sync. Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Take some time to cook this Aquarius (January 20- February 18): There is a big, ugly, hat^-filled man named Lou who seems to be after you or someone you love. The stars suggest a restraining order. Your theme song this week: “Skating Away” by Jethro Tull. Pisces (February 19- March 20): Eventually, you are going to have to give up your dominance and embrace the submissive side of life. Learn to let things slide and stop holding grudges. Your theme song this week: “No Feelings” by the Sex Pistols.
