12__________
A&E
WcdNEsdAy, NovENibER 28, 2001
The ClAckAMAs P rint
Harry Potter film lives up to book’s magic
ISAIAH CREEL
Staff Writer
“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s
Stone,” a novel by J.K. Rowling,
is the latest edition to the Warner
Brothers film library. It appeared
in over one-quarter of theaters na
tionwide Fri., Nov. 16, and has
since grossed over $188 million.
Four years ago, way back in 1997,
J.K. Rowling introduced the world
to Harry Potter, a mischievous 11-
year-old with astounding powers,
unknown to him. His foster par
ents, the Dursley’s, take care of him
after he was dropped at their door
step, as a result of his parents un
timely demise at the hands of evil
sorcerer Volde... You-Know-Who.
His upbringing is a horrendous
ordeal of criticism, battery and
sleeping in a closet. His wicked
stepparents never allow him the
truth of his heritage: Harry is a wiz
ard.
On his 11th birthday, Harry is
visited by a mysteriously large man
named Hagrid, who reveals Hany’s
true identity as a wizard and his
destiny to go to Hogwart’s School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Upon
his arri val, Harry makes some true
friends, has many big adventures
and learns the true importance of
the power of love.
This film was suprisingly
cheesier than the book, quite long
(approximately three hours) and by
the end of the film, every childhood
lesson and cliché was made appar
ent. The children themselves must
have been chosen for their comi
cal appearance rather than acting
prowess. Hany was the exception,
of course. I would recommend this
film to children 12 and under, but if
you do feel like a lighthearted romp
in the realm of the dark arts, “Harry
Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” is
a sure home run.
It is, however, a near-perfect ad
aptation of the book, with a few
minor quirks. I, personally, was
offended by the lack of song-and-
dance routine by the Sorting Hat
in the movie. Hagrid, though, was
of adequate size comparative to the
rest of the people, and Professor
Dumbeldore fit the stereotypical
wise wizard image perfectly.
The movie-going experience was
slightly dampened by the amount
of cheering, screaming and hush
ing which has become, unfortu
nately, all too present in the
Disney/children’s film scene.
When Harry would do something
brave, the children would clap and
cheer. When someone would fall
down, they would laugh mania
cally. When I made running com
mentary however, the whole the
ater fell silent, except for that hor
rible, horrible man who hushed me
into submission. His children
won’t turn out like me now, thank
God.
I must admit that I did feel like a
tool by contributing to this money
making machine. If you aren’t con
vinced against it, though, go see
“Harry Potter” before 3:00pm (to
avoid the chaotic atmosphere that
has become the staple of the child
movie genre).
The hard truth about Viagra
I’ve decided to turn over a new
leaf. Humor in the proper hands
can be an effective tool to raise
social consciousness. Unfortu
nately, I no longer feel myself a
suitable conduit for this style of
commentary. Nothing I’ve
shared up to this point is going
to raise anyone’s consciousness
unless
they’re a dozen
Jagermeister shots the other side
ofNeverland. With this in mind,
I would like to seriously address
a devastating affliction rampag
ing through our workforce.
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has
come into its own as the scourge
of twenty-first century America.
No longer a secretarial pool se
cret, it has become America’s
worst nightmare. Musicians, me
chanics, executives, secretaries
and laborers, all have fallen vic
tim. Ergonomic keyboards and
wrist braces are not the answer.
We must take a hard look at the
root of the problem.
One of the biggest clues to
date: a marked decrease in the
number of cases reported in
women and a corresponding in
crease in similar cases in men.
Some would say this is a posi
tive sign the work
place is becoming
more equal; women are
getting more time in
the boardroom and
less in front of the
keyboard, while men
are filling more posi
tions traditionally held
by women. This seemingly opti
mistic shroud of progress is what
makes this insidious attack on
America so devastating, and it is
a. deliberate attack. Since time
is critical I’ll spell it out for you:
Viagra.
Jacking up public-hopes by
erecting a promise of sexual sal
vation for men and women alike,
this sinister marital aid has had a
major hand in the crippling of
'America. (There is a room-in
volved all right, but it has noth
ing to do with being bored). It’s
time to face facts, people, the
problem is right in the palm of
your hand - every time you shake
a little blue tablet from the pre
scription bottle o’ luv.
In keeping with my new,'
humble calling to aid mankind, I
ask not for strokes, but a call for
action against those responsible.
Who would do this soft of thing
you ask? Who has the most to
gain? Who hates America that
much? Once again the answer
is not obvious until we discern
a more subtle connection. For
this we can thank Mrs.
Mercer’s seventh grade
math class and a life
with a frigid ex-girl-
friend.
Here’s the equation:
Viagra + (A) aOW = Car
pal
Tunnel.
If
OW=signifigant other,
then A equals V (A = V). From
here any teenager can fill in the
blanks.
V is, of course,
Vaseline. And there you have
it - petroleum jelly. Oil wells.
And whom do we know with
vast oil fields and a hatred of
America? Do I really have to
mention He-Who-Must-Not-
Be-Named? That swarthy little
crudeslinger knows he can’t
hold out forever. Anthrax is
just a diversion to distract us
from his master plan to convert
the Iraqi economy from fuel oil
to personal lubricants and
thereby defeat the embargo
while crippling our data entry
infrastructure. It’s diabolical,
but I see through it.
I’m betting a few well-placed
public service announcements
would wake up the nation and
turn the tide. I humbly recom
mend Jenna Jameson, or possi
bly the Yankees, as appropri
ate spokespersons to spear
head this drive. Now if you’ll
excuse me, I’ve got to go find
another Ace bandage.
Scorpio (October 23- November
21): You are on fire this week!
Many people admire your resil
ience and table manners. Go out
some time this week and let loose.
Be wary of anyone wearing the
color orange, as they may spoil
your good time. Your theme song
this week: “Gigantic” by the Pix
ies.
week. Let your culinary mastery
grow and develop. Enjoy your fam
ily and have fun with your pets. If
you have no pets or family, con
struct some using cardboard and
a bucket. Your theme song this
week: “Ace of Spades” by
Motorhead.
IT/ y-
Aries (March 21- April 19): For
give the mistakes your lovedr
ones have made in the past. Clem
ency is important, and those in
need of it will appreciate your
maturity and kindness. Also, eat
lots of greens to build up iron.
Your theme song this week:
“People Mover” by Servotron.
Taurus (April 20- May 20):In or
der to function well in any situa
tion, you must learn to compro
mise. Give a little if you expect to
get a little (or depending on how
well you play your cards—a lot).
Expect a sudden change to
abruptly rock your life. Your
theme song this week: “Sweet
Tuesday Morning” by Badfinger.
Gemini (May 21- June 20): This
week, indulge your inner-most
desires. You can apply this ad
vice to pretty much anything.
Stop counting calories and take
a long bubble bath. Your theme
song this week: “Room Full of
Mirrors” by Jimi Hendrix.
Cancer (June 21- July 22): Keep
your eye on the prize. Not literally,
of course; it is likely hazardous to
place your eye on foreign objects.
Be careful-eround dogs this week,
as they will have a tendency to not
act very friendly towards you.
Your theme song this week: “Seven
Days” by Bob Dylan.
Leo (July 23-August 22): There are
some people out there who would
love to see you fait miserably. Do
not give them the satisfaction. For
everything you do this week, put
tons of effort into it and become a
huge success. After you make
your first million dollars, throw a
big party and don’t invite those
who rooted for your collapse. Your
theme song this week: “Mongol
oid” by Devo.
Virgo (August 23- September 22):
You will have a great appreciation
for nature this week. Finding
beauty wherever you go seems to
be an irrepressible skill you pos
sess. Rainbows seem to appear
wherever you go, so keep up the
positive vibes, as they will have a
tendency to rub off on others. Your
theme song this week: “New Kid
in Town” by the Eagles.
Libra (September 23- October 22):
You are about to acquire brand
new skills that will help you work
through your recent troubles. Pos
sibly x-ray. vision or flight. Re
member to use these powers for
good, not dvil. Your theme song
this week: “Yellow Dirt” by Seals
and Croft.
Sagittarius (November 22- Decem
ber 21): This is the year you quit
procrastinating and get all your
holiday shopping done before De
cember rolls around. If you can
avoid any confrontations with an
noying mall folk, your shopping
experience is sure to be a fruitful,
possibly enjoyable, one. Your
theme song this week: “It’s Gonna’
Be Me” by ‘N Sync.
Capricorn (December 22- January
19): Take some time to cook this
Aquarius (January 20- February
18): There is a big, ugly, hat^-filled
man named Lou who seems to be
after you or someone you love.
The stars suggest a restraining
order. Your theme song this week:
“Skating Away” by Jethro Tull.
Pisces (February 19- March 20):
Eventually, you are going to have
to give up your dominance and
embrace the submissive side of life.
Learn to let things slide and stop
holding grudges. Your theme song
this week: “No Feelings” by the
Sex Pistols.