Image provided by: Clackamas Community College; Oregon City, OR
About The Clackamas print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1989-2019 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 5, 2000)
Wonder Woman: Amazon princess saves the day Continued from page 1 thing they didn’t bargain for. The cave was actually an underground alien space ship using human waste to power its way home. Wonder Woman, able to translate any language, deciphered the aliens’ language. She sent the crea tures home, after she whooped a little alien butt and threatened to contact the Great Amijaji (the alien God) if they ever returned. One! alien said, “We knew you earthlings were superstitious about the millennium and we took advan tage of it; we were going to take over your puny planet, and we would’ve if it hadn’t been for Wonder Woman and the meddling Print staff.” The survivors were Michelle Mintirea, Wes Bailey and Chad Hansen. Apparently the other stu dents died by being “sucked dry.” “The cause of death was a mix See y o u n e x t yea r ! Or w Clackamas World News photographer Angie Daschel was lucky enough to snap this quick shot of an unidentified student being swallowed by a toilet. Daschel, however, was unable to save the girl. Nice work, Angie! of inhalation, dehydration, and se vere suction,” said County Coro ner Dick Williams. “I was sitting on the toilet mind ing my own business when I felt a rumble, then a shake, finally a swoosh. I was sucked backward into the toilet, I passed out from the pain. I woke up and I was lying on some thing soft. I turned over and I real ized I was on a pile of decomposing people. I just couldn’t believe it,” said Chad Hansen, student. According to Clackamas engi neers, the aliens adjusted campus toilet sensors so they had a more intense suction, sucking students in. The aliens timed it just right to go with the millennium. Clackamas and the county engi neering department will work throughout the remainder of the school year to repair the toilets to ensure student safety. Campus will remain closed until then. ANGIE DASCHEL / Clackamas World News Twin sons born to CCC student in English class ... ; ■- • 1 •>; SHELBI WESCOTT Feature Editor Clackamas sophomore Amy Wilcox unexpectedly gave birth to twin boys in the middle of Emily Orlando’s American Litera ture class last Thursday after noon. Wilcox, who was eight months along in her pregnancy, said she felt some slight contractions, but attributed them to gas from eat ing a Chartwell’s burrito a few hours earlier. It wasn’t until con tractions became more intense that she realized that she was actually going into labor. “All of a sudden I felt my whole body wanting to push,” Wilcox recalled. “So, I raised my hand and told Ms. Orlando what was happening.” The reactions among students in the class varied considerably. A few students wanted to stay to witness the birth, but many students took off running the moment they realized that Wilcox wasn’t going to make it to the hospital and needed to deliver right then and there. “I didn’t want to watch a girl give birth,” said Greg Anderson, a five year Clackamas veteran. “Especially on the desks where I put down my books and stuff... I don’t want to think about that.” However, many other students stayed to offer their services in whatever way possible. Jeff Weiderman, a pre-med student, came to the rescue with his knowledge of Obstetrics. “I just implemented all of the knowledge I had. I’m so glad that I was there to help her,” Wiederman said. Due to the speed of the birth, many improvisations were uti lized. Orlando provided a letter opener to cut the umbilical cord, one student sucked the mucus and fluid from the boys’ nose to allow them to breath and many students offered their clothes to wrap the children in. “This whole experience was a first for me,” commented Or lando. “There I was reading about William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury and all of a sudden I had real sound and fury in my classroom.” The infant boys were taken to Willamette Falls Hospital where they were announced healthy and normal. They weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz., and were named Salinger and Dickens, names inspired by their time and place of birth. “I couldn’t be happier,” said Wilcox. “They mean the world to me.” Chartwell's claims victims • SALENADELACRUZ ' I Sports Co-Editor Clackamas Community Col lege remains closed after a ra dioactive leak was discovered in the kitchen at Chartwell's. “Once the police learned that Chartwell's was radioactive they quarantined the school,” said John Thorry, automotive instructor. The noxious fumes and chemicals coming from Chartwells was not the food, but in fact a radioactive sub stance with the power to turn people who ingested it insade- out. With the turn of the century, something in the molecular structure of Chartwell's acti vated the deadly gases, turn ing many students into walk ing zombies. More than 500 students re main in the hospital for obser vation in the aftermath of the threat. Everyone had to get his or her stomach pumped and re main quarantined in the hospi tal. “I just don’t understand how it slipped by so many people,” said Sgt. Doug Crane of the Or egon City Police Department. Everyday students would or der the food and it had a rather strange neon glow to it. The CLACKAMAS WOULD NEWS J ANU A AY 5, 2000 smallest idea from anyone would turn into action whether it was a joke or not. At night when they went home they would remember nothing. Former ASG (Associated Student Government) President Jennifer Rankin was one of the victims in the radioactive sick ness. Her removal from ASG has been attributed to this con dition. When Rankin drank at the conference, the idea was laughed upon by her friends. When she removed files, her nausea took over. Finally, when she was removed from office, her stomach cramps were the culprit. With the new evidence the Rankin removal will be re evaluated. “I can’t believe this whole concept was all broughty about by a radio-active substance in the food,” said Rankin. “I knew something was up when no one was showing up for classes," said Ima Hough, instruc tor. "The sickness has resulted in much of the same action being taken; no one wants to eat at Chartwell's again." “I never want to eat at Chartwells again,” said Angie Smith, student. “I never ate at Chartwell's to begin with; it sucked,” said Sally Wesley, student.
