Wonder Woman: Amazon
princess saves the day
Continued from page 1
thing they didn’t bargain for. The
cave was actually an underground
alien space ship using human
waste to power its way home.
Wonder Woman, able to translate
any language, deciphered the
aliens’ language. She sent the crea
tures home, after she whooped a
little alien butt and threatened to
contact the Great Amijaji (the alien
God) if they ever returned.
One! alien said, “We knew you
earthlings were superstitious about
the millennium and we took advan
tage of it; we were going to take over
your puny planet, and we would’ve
if it hadn’t been for Wonder Woman
and the meddling Print staff.”
The survivors were Michelle
Mintirea, Wes Bailey and Chad
Hansen. Apparently the other stu
dents died by being “sucked dry.”
“The cause of death was a mix
See
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n e x t
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w
Clackamas World News
photographer Angie Daschel
was lucky enough to snap this
quick shot of an unidentified
student being swallowed by a
toilet. Daschel, however, was
unable to save the girl. Nice
work, Angie!
of inhalation, dehydration, and se
vere suction,” said County Coro
ner Dick Williams.
“I was sitting on the toilet mind
ing my own business when I felt a
rumble, then a shake, finally a
swoosh. I was sucked backward into
the toilet, I passed out from the pain.
I woke up and I was lying on some
thing soft. I turned over and I real
ized I was on a pile of decomposing
people. I just couldn’t believe it,”
said Chad Hansen, student.
According to Clackamas engi
neers, the aliens adjusted campus
toilet sensors so they had a more
intense suction, sucking students
in. The aliens timed it just right to
go with the millennium.
Clackamas and the county engi
neering department will work
throughout the remainder of the
school year to repair the toilets to
ensure student safety. Campus will
remain closed until then.
ANGIE DASCHEL / Clackamas World News
Twin sons born to CCC student in English class
... ;
■- • 1 •>;
SHELBI WESCOTT
Feature Editor
Clackamas sophomore Amy
Wilcox unexpectedly gave birth
to twin boys in the middle of
Emily Orlando’s American Litera
ture class last Thursday after
noon.
Wilcox, who was eight months
along in her pregnancy, said she
felt some slight contractions, but
attributed them to gas from eat
ing a Chartwell’s burrito a few
hours earlier. It wasn’t until con
tractions became more intense
that she realized that she was
actually going into labor.
“All of a sudden I felt my
whole body wanting to push,”
Wilcox recalled. “So, I raised my
hand and told Ms. Orlando what
was happening.”
The reactions among students
in the class varied considerably.
A few students wanted to stay
to witness the birth, but many
students took off running the
moment they realized that Wilcox
wasn’t going to make it to the
hospital and needed to deliver
right then and there.
“I didn’t want to watch a girl
give birth,” said Greg Anderson,
a five year Clackamas veteran.
“Especially on the desks where I
put down my books and stuff... I
don’t want to think about that.”
However, many other students
stayed to offer their services in
whatever way possible. Jeff
Weiderman, a pre-med student,
came to the rescue with his
knowledge of Obstetrics.
“I just implemented all of the
knowledge I had. I’m so glad that
I was there to help her,”
Wiederman said.
Due to the speed of the birth,
many improvisations were uti
lized. Orlando provided a letter
opener to cut the umbilical cord,
one student sucked the mucus
and fluid from the boys’ nose to
allow them to breath and many
students offered their clothes to
wrap the children in.
“This whole experience was a
first for me,” commented Or
lando. “There I was reading
about William Faulkner’s The
Sound and the Fury and all of a
sudden I had real sound and fury
in my classroom.”
The infant boys were taken
to Willamette Falls Hospital
where they were announced
healthy and normal. They
weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz., and were
named Salinger and Dickens,
names inspired by their time
and place of birth.
“I couldn’t be happier,” said
Wilcox. “They mean the world
to me.”
Chartwell's claims victims
• SALENADELACRUZ '
I
Sports Co-Editor
Clackamas Community Col
lege remains closed after a ra
dioactive leak was discovered
in the kitchen at Chartwell's.
“Once the police learned that
Chartwell's was radioactive
they quarantined the school,”
said John Thorry, automotive
instructor.
The noxious fumes and
chemicals
coming
from
Chartwells was not the food,
but in fact a radioactive sub
stance with the power to turn
people who ingested it insade-
out.
With the turn of the century,
something in the molecular
structure of Chartwell's acti
vated the deadly gases, turn
ing many students into walk
ing zombies.
More than 500 students re
main in the hospital for obser
vation in the aftermath of the
threat.
Everyone had to get his or
her stomach pumped and re
main quarantined in the hospi
tal.
“I just don’t understand how
it slipped by so many people,”
said Sgt. Doug Crane of the Or
egon City Police Department.
Everyday students would or
der the food and it had a rather
strange neon glow to it. The
CLACKAMAS WOULD NEWS
J ANU A AY 5, 2000
smallest idea from anyone
would turn into action whether
it was a joke or not. At night
when they went home they
would remember nothing.
Former ASG (Associated
Student Government) President
Jennifer Rankin was one of the
victims in the radioactive sick
ness. Her removal from ASG
has been attributed to this con
dition.
When Rankin drank at the
conference, the idea was
laughed upon by her friends.
When she removed files, her
nausea took over. Finally, when
she was removed from office,
her stomach cramps were the
culprit.
With the new evidence the
Rankin removal will be re
evaluated.
“I can’t believe this whole
concept was all broughty about
by a radio-active substance in
the food,” said Rankin.
“I knew something was up when
no one was showing up for
classes," said Ima Hough, instruc
tor. "The sickness has resulted in
much of the same action being
taken; no one wants to eat at
Chartwell's again."
“I never want to eat at
Chartwells again,” said Angie
Smith, student.
“I never ate at Chartwell's to
begin with; it sucked,” said
Sally Wesley, student.