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About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (May 22, 2012)
in other words may22 11 2012 Better Parenting: What Should I Do When My Child Misbehaves? Part 2 - For REVENGE, For HELPLESSNESS By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT watch and keeping the money for your punishment for stealing from me.” Ra- In Part 1 we learned that kids, mona screamed back, “I hate you, I wish like adults, need to feel accepted and that you were dead.” they belong. If they become discouraged they misbehave for attention, power, re- Clues to Ramona’s goal: venge or act helpless. 1. Mom felt hurt and disrespect- Last time the focus was on at- ed and wanted to get back at Ramona. tention and power. Our kids know what 2. Mom tried to hurt Ramona by pushes our buttons and how to get us to taking her watch and keeping the money. react. Let’s turn the tables and not react 3. Ramona wanted to hurt mom the way they expect. We want them to back by telling her she hates her and get their needs met in a better way… We wished her dead. will now focus on when our kids use re- Mom knows that Ramona’s goal is to venge and acts of helplessness to be ac- get revenge. cepted: What could mom do instead? REVENGE 1. It can be very difficult in the Ramona has been saving money heat of the moment, but before mom re- from her allowance for a watch for over acts she could tell Ramona that she is too five months. She is surprised to see the angry to talk to her right then. Next, mom watch she wants is could tell Ramona to on sale. She is $8.00 go to her room until short. She took a ten they both can calm dollar bill out of her down and give Ramo- mother’s purse and na a time, that day or bought the watch the next day when she she wanted. That will talk to her and tell night her mother her what she is going discovered that she to do about the money was short ten dol- that was taken from lars. When Ramona showed her mom her purse. the new watch, her mom screamed at 2. Mom can refuse to argue say- Ramona, “Where did you get the money ing, “I love you too much to argue with for that watch?” Ramona said, “Chill you.” out, I know why you’re yelling at me, 3. Mom then has time to calm I’ll pay back the money I took, so you down, talk with someone and decide don’t have to yell about it.” Mom was what she will do before she talks to Ra- hurt and angry and took the watch from mona. Ramona and said, “I am returning the 4. When mom talks to Ramona she can say, “Help me understand what’s going on.” 5. Changing a cycle of revenge takes time. But Ra- mona won’t have a battle if mom doesn’t join in. This will give them both time to calm down and think. 6. Kids will never handle a situ- ation better than the parent. Mom needs to guide Ramona on ways they can build trust and respect to- gether. OTHER THOUGHTS If our parents got angry and yelled, the chanc- es are high when we become stressed or upset we will do the same. It may not be easy to do, but we must separate our- selves and tell the child when we will let him or her know what we are going to do. ACTING HELPLESS Winter term, Brian’s fourth grade class is playing basketball in gym. Brian tells his mom, “Nobody wants me on their team.” “I don’t make bas- kets.” I can’t hold the ball.” Mom tried to teach Brian and shot hoops with him and asked his older brother to help also. Whenever he missed a basket or loses the ball he says, “I’ll never be good at this.” Mom doesn’t know what else to do. She says, “Maybe basketball is not your game Brian.” “I’ll talk to your gym teacher.” “You don’t have to play if you VERNONIA E C I V SER PAIR & RE Silkscreen printing Printing while you wait for small orders Teams, groups, special events Hoodies, dress shirts, aprons & more No order too large or too small No set-up fees 711 Bridge Street, Vernonia (503) 433-4278 kavila@kaptanskraft.com Terry’s Gym Warranty on all parts and labor 503-901-1705 16720 Noakes Rd. Vernonia What could mom do instead? 1. Mom could refuse to give up on Brian. She might say, “I know you can learn to shoot and dribble. That’s why you’re playing in school, so you can learn how.” 2. Mom could be careful not to pity Brian. If Brian thinks mom feels sorry for him he will feel sorry for him- self too. 3. Mom could encourage Brian as he learns to play basketball. If Brian says something like I only made one basket and missed all the rest. She could say so you can make a basket! 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