in other words
may22
11
2012
Better Parenting: What Should I Do When My Child Misbehaves?
Part 2 - For REVENGE, For HELPLESSNESS
By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT
watch and keeping the money for your
punishment for stealing from me.” Ra-
In Part 1 we learned that kids, mona screamed back, “I hate you, I wish
like adults, need to feel accepted and that you were dead.”
they belong. If they become discouraged
they misbehave for attention, power, re- Clues to Ramona’s goal:
venge or act helpless.
1. Mom felt hurt and disrespect-
Last time the focus was on at- ed and wanted to get back at Ramona.
tention and power. Our kids know what
2. Mom tried to hurt Ramona by
pushes our buttons and how to get us to taking her watch and keeping the money.
react. Let’s turn the tables and not react
3. Ramona wanted to hurt mom
the way they expect. We want them to back by telling her she hates her and
get their needs met in a better way… We wished her dead.
will now focus on when our kids use re- Mom knows that Ramona’s goal is to
venge and acts of helplessness to be ac- get revenge.
cepted:
What could mom do instead?
REVENGE
1. It can be very difficult in the
Ramona has been saving money heat of the moment, but before mom re-
from her allowance for a watch for over acts she could tell Ramona that she is too
five months. She is surprised to see the angry to talk to her right then. Next, mom
watch she wants is
could tell Ramona to
on sale. She is $8.00
go to her room until
short. She took a ten
they both can calm
dollar bill out of her
down and give Ramo-
mother’s purse and
na a time, that day or
bought the watch
the next day when she
she wanted. That
will talk to her and tell
night her mother
her what she is going
discovered that she
to do about the money
was short ten dol-
that was taken from
lars. When Ramona showed her mom her purse.
the new watch, her mom screamed at
2. Mom can refuse to argue say-
Ramona, “Where did you get the money ing, “I love you too much to argue with
for that watch?” Ramona said, “Chill you.”
out, I know why you’re yelling at me,
3. Mom then has time to calm
I’ll pay back the money I took, so you down, talk with someone and decide
don’t have to yell about it.” Mom was what she will do before she talks to Ra-
hurt and angry and took the watch from mona.
Ramona and said, “I am returning the
4. When mom talks to Ramona
she can say, “Help me understand what’s
going on.”
5. Changing a cycle of revenge
takes time. But Ra-
mona won’t have a
battle if mom doesn’t
join in. This will give
them both time to
calm down and think.
6. Kids will
never handle a situ-
ation better than the
parent. Mom needs
to guide Ramona on
ways they can build
trust and respect to-
gether.
OTHER THOUGHTS If our
parents got angry and yelled, the chanc-
es are high when we become stressed or
upset we will do the same. It may not
be easy to do, but we must separate our-
selves and tell the child when we will let
him or her know what we are going to
do.
ACTING HELPLESS
Winter term, Brian’s fourth
grade class is playing basketball in gym.
Brian tells his mom, “Nobody wants
me on their team.” “I don’t make bas-
kets.” I can’t hold the ball.” Mom tried
to teach Brian and shot hoops with him
and asked his older brother to help also.
Whenever he missed a basket or loses
the ball he says, “I’ll never be good at
this.” Mom doesn’t know what else to
do. She says, “Maybe basketball is not
your game Brian.” “I’ll talk to your gym
teacher.” “You don’t have to play if you
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What could mom do instead?
1. Mom could refuse to give up
on Brian. She might say, “I know you
can learn to shoot and dribble. That’s
why you’re playing in school, so you can
learn how.”
2. Mom could be careful not to
pity Brian. If Brian thinks mom feels
sorry for him he will feel sorry for him-
self too.
3. Mom could encourage Brian
as he learns to play basketball. If Brian
says something like I only made one
basket and missed all the rest. She could
say so you can make a basket! You are
learning!”
continued on page 13
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Clues to Brian’s goal:
1. Mom feels
hopeless and help-
less. After doing ev-
erything she could
think of to help, she’s
ready to give up on
Brian playing basket-
ball.
2. Mom gives
up. She agrees with
Brian that he can’t
play basketball.
3. Brian got
mom’s permission to
fail. He is not likely to improve at bas-
ketball.
Mom knows that Brian’s goal is help-
lessness. Brian said, “I can’t” and
mom agreed
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