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About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (May 24, 2011)
18 in other words may24 2011 Better Parenting: Self-Manager Child to Adult Life Manager, Part One By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT At Washington Grade School third to fifth grade students can become self-managers when they fill out an application. If their application reveals an area that needs work they can reapply. For example, if they are respectful at school but pick on their brother or sister at home or are responsible at school but lazy at home they would not be a true self-manager. Self-mangers need to manage themselves in all settings. Washington Grade School students are learning about being safe, kind, respectful and responsible at school and at home. Self-managers may not be the students with the highest grades in the class, but they will be students that use their class time well and turn in their homework on time. They are learning to strengthen their good character and learn new skills that will become a pattern for them in middle school, high school and beyond. When our kids reach “that age” of adolescence and teens they start thinking for themselves. Until they get more practice it can become frustrating for them- and us. I don’t believe they are always being as “sassy” as it seems because they are learning to be adults. I think it is more about them wanting us to notice they have their own ideas about things. They want us to be interested in what they have to say, even ask questions. Kids this age will react to criticism. They don’t want to be corrected or have us give them better ideas. They want us to recognize that they are growing up and managing their own lives. Yes, they may get carried away. Try to remember the big picture and make statements like, “It seems like you have given this a lot of thought, tell me more.” Or ask questions like, “How did you come to think of this?” “How will that work?” Remember, we want our kids to learn to think for themselves and become their own life managers, learning how to solve their own problems. The key is to guide kids not to panic or to think they have done something wrong when they encounter problems. When problems come up we want them to say to themselves, “I can handle this.” And let them know they can manage the problems that come from living their lives. If they are struggling, you might ask them if they would like to know what other kids their age might do. If they are interested, give some ideas. Tell them you will be interested in what they come up with. Unless safety is an issue, leave it to them to figure out. I confess, this was the hardest part for me when I was raising my kids. Our kids need to learn there is never going to be a time in their life when they will just wake and have a problem free life. There will always be students in school messing with them, or adults that makes them miserable, not to mention parents, brothers and sisters. Problems are just a part of life. We need to see the problems they face as real problems, whether it’s too much acne on their face or some kid at school who is picking on them. Just because they are kids doesn’t mean Friends of the Vernonia Public Library Family: Minimum: Membership Dues: $10.00 Individual: $5.00 $1.00 plus 2 hours minimum of work in the library Make checks payable to: Friends of the Vernonia Public Library Mailing Address: 701 Weed Avenue, Vernonia, OR 97064 Name Address City Phone Date State Zip Amount Enclosed $ I am interested in helping with the following committees (optional): Please Circle •Membership •Endowments •Book Sales •Publicity & Public Relations •Fund Raising •Library Services •Finance-Budget-Legal Matters their problems aren’t real and aren’t important. They just need to find a way to deal with it. Successful people aren’t successful because they don’t have problems. They are successful because they know how to deal with their problems. They learn to “manage” their lives. We want to teach them early to be their own life manager, and that they are the only life manager they will ever have. That means they can’t fire themselves if they are doing a bad job. You can only improve the job you are doing. Their job is about becoming a better life manager. Our job as parents is to work ourselves out of a job. We want them to be ready for the real world when they leave home by guiding our kids to learn how to confront their problems head-on and deal with them rather than creating more problems by ignoring the problems. I will end Part One identifying poor management strategies kids use (and even some adults, but we will deal with that later) Sadly, there are all kinds of ways to do it poorly. Let’s look at a few: Paw’s up Strategy: These are the ones who act like a whipped dog that rolls over on its back. When problems arise these kids just quit. They wait to see how bad it gets. It is like they are comfortable being the victim. Ostrich Strategy: This is pure denial. These are the kids who won’t even look at their test scores. If the teacher gives them their tests back they just shove it in their backpacks and don’t even look at Vernonia’s Voice is published twice each month on the 2nd and 4th Tuesday. Look for our next issue June 14th. how they did. MTV Strategy: These people know they have problems, but they will deal with it after they watch a little MTV. Only problem, they never quit watching. Cutesy Strategy: Very popular among girls who look innocent, and give the little girl voices when they have a problem. “Oh mommy I thought you said I could take money out of your purse without asking.” Family Problem strategy: When these kids get in trouble they blame it on their upbringing or their parents’ marriage problems or some trouble at home with brothers or sisters that they have to help with, so they can’t help it. Who me? Strategy: Nothing is this kid’s fault. Everything happens because of something someone else did first, but it certainly wasn’t their fault. In closing, maybe your kids are not great life managers right now. That’s okay because it is a learned skill. And Kids have to learn. We will cover ways to accomplish this in Part Two next month. Resources: David Spackman, WGS counselor, Jay McGraw, Phillip McGraw, Ph.D., John Gottman, Ph.D. VERNONIA E C I V R E S PAIR E R & LUBE, OIL & FILTER WHILE YOU WAIT STARTING AT $29.95 UP TO 5 QT. 58605 NEHALEM HWY. S. 503/706/9409
