18
in other words
may24
2011
Better Parenting: Self-Manager Child to Adult Life Manager, Part One
By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT
At Washington Grade School
third to fifth grade students can become
self-managers when they fill out an
application. If their application reveals
an area that needs work they can reapply.
For example, if they are respectful at
school but pick on their brother or sister
at home or are responsible at school but
lazy at home they would not be a true
self-manager. Self-mangers need to
manage themselves in all settings.
Washington Grade School
students are learning about being safe,
kind, respectful and responsible at school
and at home. Self-managers may not be
the students with the highest grades in
the class, but they will be students that
use their class time well and turn in their
homework on time. They are learning to
strengthen their good character and learn
new skills that will become a pattern for
them in middle school, high school and
beyond.
When our kids reach “that age”
of adolescence and teens they start
thinking for themselves. Until they get
more practice it can become frustrating
for them- and us. I don’t believe they
are always being as “sassy” as it seems
because they are learning to be adults. I
think it is more about them wanting us to
notice they have their own ideas about
things. They want us to be interested
in what they have to say, even ask
questions.
Kids this age will react to
criticism. They don’t want to be
corrected or have us give them better
ideas. They want us to recognize that
they are growing up and managing their
own lives. Yes, they may get carried
away. Try to remember the big picture
and make statements like, “It seems
like you have given this a lot of thought,
tell me more.” Or ask questions like,
“How did you come to think of this?”
“How will that work?” Remember,
we want our kids to learn to think for
themselves and become their own life
managers, learning how to solve their
own problems.
The key is to guide kids not
to panic or to think they have done
something wrong when they encounter
problems. When problems come up we
want them to say to themselves, “I can
handle this.” And let them know they
can manage the problems that come from
living their lives. If they are struggling,
you might ask them if they would like to
know what other kids their age might do.
If they are interested, give some ideas.
Tell them you will be interested in what
they come up with. Unless safety is an
issue, leave it to them to figure out. I
confess, this was the hardest part for me
when I was raising my kids.
Our kids need to learn there
is never going to be a time in their life
when they will just wake and have a
problem free life. There will always be
students in school messing with them,
or adults that makes them miserable, not
to mention parents, brothers and sisters.
Problems are just a part of life.
We need to see the problems
they face as real problems, whether it’s
too much acne on their face or some
kid at school who is picking on them.
Just because they are kids doesn’t mean
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their problems aren’t real and aren’t
important. They just need to find a way
to deal with it.
Successful
people
aren’t
successful because they don’t have
problems. They are successful because
they know how to deal with their
problems. They learn to “manage” their
lives.
We want to teach them early
to be their own life manager, and that
they are the only life manager they will
ever have. That means they can’t fire
themselves if they are doing a bad job.
You can only improve the job you are
doing. Their job is about becoming a
better life manager.
Our job as parents is to work
ourselves out of a job. We want them
to be ready for the real world when
they leave home by guiding our kids
to learn how to confront their problems
head-on and deal with them rather than
creating more problems by ignoring the
problems.
I will end Part One identifying
poor management strategies kids use
(and even some adults, but we will deal
with that later) Sadly, there are all kinds
of ways to do it poorly. Let’s look at a
few:
Paw’s up Strategy: These are the ones
who act like a whipped dog that rolls
over on its back. When problems arise
these kids just quit. They wait to see how
bad it gets. It is like they are comfortable
being the victim.
Ostrich Strategy: This is pure denial.
These are the kids who won’t even look
at their test scores. If the teacher gives
them their tests back they just shove it in
their backpacks and don’t even look at
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how they did.
MTV Strategy: These people know
they have problems, but they will deal
with it after they watch a little MTV.
Only problem, they never quit watching.
Cutesy Strategy: Very popular among
girls who look innocent, and give the
little girl voices when they have a
problem. “Oh mommy I thought you
said I could take money out of your
purse without asking.”
Family Problem strategy: When these
kids get in trouble they blame it on their
upbringing or their parents’ marriage
problems or some trouble at home with
brothers or sisters that they have to help
with, so they can’t help it.
Who me? Strategy: Nothing is this
kid’s fault. Everything happens because
of something someone else did first, but
it certainly wasn’t their fault.
In closing, maybe your kids
are not great life managers right now.
That’s okay because it is a learned skill.
And Kids have to learn. We will cover
ways to accomplish this in Part Two next
month.
Resources: David Spackman, WGS
counselor, Jay McGraw, Phillip
McGraw, Ph.D., John Gottman, Ph.D.
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