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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (May 21, 2004)
26 j U S t O U t • may 21. 2004 “/ always In 1996, McWilliams met and fell in love with Stephen Michael.Blair, a 30-year-old free lance writer. After a month, they moved in Hershey was exiting a together. relationship and needed “I think we chose to be a couple,” Blair desperately to find an says, “because we shared a zany sense of humor apartm ent in the city. and we both felt very safe together.” Enter Oxley. McWilliams adds, “We both felt at home “[Lynnae] had some with one another right from the start.” rooms for rent in a house T he couple attribute the success of their and needed a housemate,” relationship to such qualities as constant com says Hershey. “We met, munication, humor and acceptance of each talked. Things worked / other as they are. “If one of us is in a tight out, and 1 decided to rent spot,” says Blair, "we make sure to talk about one of the rooms.” the issue right away so that it dexisn’t fester for Oxley jokes: “(Molly) — Lvnnae Oxlev too long and become unmanageable.” apparently was courting McWilliams and Blair were vacationing in me for a while before I Palm Springs, Calif., when they read the news realized what was happening. T he whole late- that marriage licenses were being issued to blcximer thing, I suppose. Anyway, we hit it off, same-sex couples back home. “I was very happy had a lot in common and both decided to stop that the option of marriage was open for those playing the field, so to speak.” who wanted it,” says Blair, “but 1 didn’t feel Hershey says their relationship has been especially jazzed about getting married.” “kinda like in the fairy tales, with a couple of After discussing the issue and recognizing twists." T he best way she can find to describe “how glad we were that this was becoming an their relationship is: “It’s always seemed that Molly H ershey (left) and Lynnae Oxley are waiting until same-sex marriage is legal statewide option for gay people in our community," the our relationship was just meant to be and we couple came to the heart of their vision of Drew McWilliams, a 48-year-old mental happened to be there to let it happen.” other hand, we do have a tendency to overthink their relationship. things, and that can damper any spontaneity. We health administrator, has been there and done N either woman grew up dreaming of mar that. He admits that in spite of a second-grade “My decision to be Drew’s partner,” says just wanted to protect ourselves and each other.” riage. A nd as lesbians, neither thought it would Blair, “is a lifelong commitment to love and “crush on President John F. Kennedy” and on he much of a possibility anyway. By March 7, their plans had begun to come “fellow classmates,” he learned to hide his together. They could enlist their minister care for Drew. 1 don’t think that getting mar “I never pictured myself in thè white wed impulses. “I firmly had ingrained (in me] that ding dress and all of that stuff,” Hershey says. friend to conduct the ceremony. They had two ried would constitute a greater commitment “But at the same time, I never mled out falling witnesses at the ready. They could plan the than the one I already have.” the only way I was going to have a partner, in love and being in a long-term, committed reception with friends and family for summer children and be accepted was to hope to love " McWilliams adds: “Com m itm ent is truly relationship with someone." and marry a woman.” time. All they had to do was go get the license. not enhanced or ensured by a legal marriage Oxley agrees. “I’ve always thought of mar But something caught them up short. A t ritual. Having ways to celebrate and participate So, shortly after college, that’s precisely what riage as something so far off. So to he honest, I with others around our com the 11th hour, they decided not to do it. he did. “I did get married briefly never really dreamed about it. I’ve always mitment are what seem “We asked ourselves if we wanted (xjr rela to a female co-worker who was thought, if confronted with the situation of tionship to he thrown into the political, legal essential to me.” accepting enough of the limited marriage with someone I loved, it would he In the end, they chose and financial storm that would arise from issuing details 1 shared about my then that I would figure it out.” marriage licenses to gay couples," says Hershey. homt>sexual struggles.” not to get married. Perhaps T h at tim e has come, m uch to the couple’s for McWilliams, the ghosts And the answer was not a resounding yes. It didn’t last long, and surprise, and “figuring it o u t” has proved “We were both honestly tom," Hershey says. with the dissolution of his of marriage past are strong com plicated. The cixiple decided they were not willing to marriage went the dream of enough examples of the Hershey remembers reading the newspaper risk the precautions they had already taken to ever being married again. institution to affect the need March 3: “At first I was in sh(x:k, like I was in protect their relationship— the deed to their for it in his own life. Perhaps “Over the years I have both some limbo land, and I kept reading the words to house, their wills, their powers of attorney. accepted this loss of a mar he simply feels marriage is be sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. I was “I wanted to find out if this legalness of simply redundant. “I feel as riage option and have learned very excited about the prospect of being able to same-sex marriage was going to stick,” says to not see it as the only way fully committed to Stephen — Drew McWilliams as I could possibly imagine,” get married and having our relationship— which, of designating a committed Oxley. “I think that until we can go down, get in my mind, is already a marriage— becoming love relationship." a license to marry, get married and have it rec he says. something legalized and not only symbolic." ognized by everyone, the two of us will wait it McWilliams fought the demons of marriage For Blair, the instinct to avoid marriage The couple spent the rest of the week dis out and protect each other with other means.” past almost from the beginning. “My parents’ g<x:s deeper. In high schixd, before coming out, cussing their feelings and deciding what they marriage ended in divorce when I was an he recognized that the act of declaring his sex wanted to do. Oxley says it was not as easy as infant,” he says. Through tense and difficult ual orientation would exclude him from certain t W e J o n just jumping in the car and going for it. mandatory visits and watching his parents ver rites of passage. “O n one hand, Molly and 1 didn’t want to get bally spar, he learned to distrust marriage. “The “I resented the fact that I was excluded from caught up in the emotional, romantic wave of primary effect this had on me was not knowing hether or not Oregon decides to rec these traditions, such as marriage,” Blair getting married only to sober up and find out what a day-to-day love relationship could be ognize the marriage licenses it issued, explains. “Over time this resentment developed that it wasn’t recognized anywhere except two . / not all queer couples are anxious to like. Marriage had the negative connotation of into feelings of aversion toward the marriage places outside of Portland," says Oxley. “O n the a frustrating divorce.” get to the courthouse. ritual. 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