26 j U S t O U t • may 21. 2004
“/ always
In 1996, McWilliams met and fell in love
with Stephen Michael.Blair, a 30-year-old free
lance writer. After a month, they moved in
Hershey was exiting a
together.
relationship and needed
“I think we chose to be a couple,” Blair
desperately to find an
says, “because we shared a zany sense of humor
apartm ent in the city.
and we both felt very safe together.”
Enter Oxley.
McWilliams adds, “We both felt at home
“[Lynnae] had some
with
one another right from the start.”
rooms for rent in a house
T he couple attribute the success of their
and needed a housemate,”
relationship
to such qualities as constant com
says Hershey. “We met,
munication, humor and acceptance of each
talked. Things worked
/
other
as they are. “If one of us is in a tight
out, and 1 decided to rent
spot,” says Blair, "we make sure to talk about
one of the rooms.”
the issue right away so that it dexisn’t fester for
Oxley jokes: “(Molly)
—
Lvnnae
Oxlev
too long and become unmanageable.”
apparently was courting
McWilliams and Blair were vacationing in
me for a while before I
Palm Springs, Calif., when they read the news
realized what was happening. T he whole late-
that marriage licenses were being issued to
blcximer thing, I suppose. Anyway, we hit it off,
same-sex couples back home. “I was very happy
had a lot in common and both decided to stop
that the option of marriage was open for those
playing the field, so to speak.”
who wanted it,” says Blair, “but 1 didn’t feel
Hershey says their relationship has been
especially jazzed about getting married.”
“kinda like in the fairy tales, with a couple of
After discussing the issue and recognizing
twists." T he best way she can find to describe
“how
glad we were that this was becoming an
their relationship is: “It’s always seemed that
Molly H ershey (left) and Lynnae Oxley are waiting until same-sex marriage is legal statewide
option for gay people in our community," the
our relationship was just meant to be and we
couple came to the heart of their vision of
Drew McWilliams, a 48-year-old mental
happened to be there to let it happen.”
other hand, we do have a tendency to overthink
their relationship.
things, and that can damper any spontaneity. We
health administrator, has been there and done
N either woman grew up dreaming of mar
that. He admits that in spite of a second-grade
“My decision to be Drew’s partner,” says
just wanted to protect ourselves and each other.”
riage. A nd as lesbians, neither thought it would
Blair, “is a lifelong commitment to love and
“crush on President John F. Kennedy” and on
he much of a possibility anyway.
By March 7, their plans had begun to come
“fellow classmates,” he learned to hide his
together. They could enlist their minister
care for Drew. 1 don’t think that getting mar
“I never pictured myself in thè white wed
impulses. “I firmly had ingrained (in me] that
ding dress and all of that stuff,” Hershey says.
friend to conduct the ceremony. They had two
ried would constitute a greater commitment
“But at the same time, I never mled out falling
witnesses at the ready. They could plan the
than the one I already have.”
the only way I was going to have a partner,
in love and being in a long-term, committed
reception with friends and family for summer
children and be accepted was to hope to love
" McWilliams adds: “Com m itm ent is truly
relationship with someone."
and marry a woman.”
time. All they had to do was go get the license.
not enhanced or ensured by a legal marriage
Oxley agrees. “I’ve always thought of mar
But something caught them up short. A t
ritual. Having ways to celebrate and participate
So, shortly after college, that’s precisely what
riage as something so far off. So to he honest, I
with others around our com
the 11th hour, they decided not to do it.
he did. “I did get married briefly
never really dreamed about it. I’ve always
mitment are what seem
“We asked ourselves if we wanted (xjr rela
to a female co-worker who was
thought, if confronted with the situation of
tionship to he thrown into the political, legal
essential to me.”
accepting enough of the limited
marriage with someone I loved, it would he
In the end, they chose
and financial storm that would arise from issuing
details 1 shared about my
then that I would figure it out.”
marriage licenses to gay couples," says Hershey.
homt>sexual struggles.”
not to get married. Perhaps
T h at tim e has come, m uch to the couple’s
for McWilliams, the ghosts
And the answer was not a resounding yes.
It didn’t last long, and
surprise, and “figuring it o u t” has proved
“We were both honestly tom," Hershey says.
with the dissolution of his
of marriage past are strong
com plicated.
The cixiple decided they were not willing to
marriage went the dream of
enough examples of the
Hershey remembers reading the newspaper
risk the precautions they had already taken to
ever being married again.
institution to affect the need
March 3: “At first I was in sh(x:k, like I was in
protect their relationship— the deed to their
for it in his own life. Perhaps
“Over the years I have both
some limbo land, and I kept reading the words to
house, their wills, their powers of attorney.
accepted this loss of a mar
he simply feels marriage is
be sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. I was
“I wanted to find out if this legalness of
simply redundant. “I feel as
riage option and have learned
very excited about the prospect of being able to
same-sex marriage was going to stick,” says
to not see it as the only way
fully committed to Stephen
— Drew McWilliams as I could possibly imagine,”
get married and having our relationship— which,
of designating a committed
Oxley. “I think that until we can go down, get
in my mind, is already a marriage— becoming
love relationship."
a license to marry, get married and have it rec
he says.
something legalized and not only symbolic."
ognized by everyone, the two of us will wait it
McWilliams fought the demons of marriage
For Blair, the instinct to avoid marriage
The couple spent the rest of the week dis
out and protect each other with other means.”
past almost from the beginning. “My parents’
g<x:s deeper. In high schixd, before coming out,
cussing their feelings and deciding what they
marriage ended in divorce when I was an
he recognized that the act of declaring his sex
wanted to do. Oxley says it was not as easy as
infant,” he says. Through tense and difficult
ual orientation would exclude him from certain
t
W
e
J
o
n
just jumping in the car and going for it.
mandatory visits and watching his parents ver
rites of passage.
“O n one hand, Molly and 1 didn’t want to get
bally spar, he learned to distrust marriage. “The
“I resented the fact that I was excluded from
caught up in the emotional, romantic wave of
primary effect this had on me was not knowing
hether or not Oregon decides to rec
these traditions, such as marriage,” Blair
getting married only to sober up and find out
what a day-to-day love relationship could be
ognize the marriage licenses it issued,
explains. “Over time this resentment developed
that it wasn’t recognized anywhere except two
. / not all queer couples are anxious to
like. Marriage had the negative connotation of
into feelings of aversion toward the marriage
places outside of Portland," says Oxley. “O n the
a frustrating divorce.”
get to the courthouse.
ritual. It boiled down to a simple conclusion: If
Continued from Page 25
thought, i f
confronted with
the situation o f
marriage with
someone l loved,
it would he then
that would
figure it out"
“H aving ways to
celebrate and
participate with
others around
our commitment
are what seem
essentia/ to me"
/
V isualize Y our
inner Beaat^
• Personal Image Design
• Hair & Wig Styling
• Specializing in Trans-Formation
• Professional Makeup
• Exp. with feature film & TV
• Friendly Private Salon
(M C lSTinO S
Aut/oentio
C reations
503
2 8 6 -7 0 0 0
Artistic Indoor Gardening
Bring your garden inside
Unique Gifts
Houseplants
Pots
Vases
Suncatchers
Art
Nature Accessories
503-280-5660
2755 NE BROADWAY •PORTUND
When one of a
kind is important.
.CROWN,
M emorial C enter • C remation a B urial
cC?uu/iXuf^m
“Family ” Owned and Operated
On-Site Crematory
Lowest Cost
We \re Here to Help!
JinDailifigSmac.com
http://hDmepagemac.com/jimdalling/
8974 SW Tualatin Sherw ood Road
Tualatin, OK 97062
( 503 )
885-7800
www.ANewTradition.com