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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 5, 2003)
december 5.2003 • Ju s t o « t 23 Little queer labels o one seriously thinks that people’s per- finalities can he summed up with Type A, Type B .... So why should we seriously believe that people’s sexuality can he summed up hy gay, straight and hi?” says Williams. “I luman personality and sexuality are too com plex for labels. Leave the labels for the psychia trists, who use them to make generalizations hut who know better than to believe they are real, closed systems.” Daly agrees it’s dangerous to categorize peo ple. “T he queer community runs the risk of cleaving too strongly to the categories that have been imposed on us— we don’t need to divide ourselves against ourselves.” She adds: "1 feel very muddled about the whole ‘tag’ thing. Honestly, I think what it feels like is like what I felt hack in 1997 [when Daly fell in love with her partner, Scott)— that I’m a lesbian who is in love with a man. I’m not try ing to make a political statement hy saying that; I’m trying to just he very honest about some very delicate feelings.” Not only did she feel then that she was dri ving a wedge between she and her lesbian friends, hut she also hated the sigh of relief from particular relatives when she retracted her les bian identity and came out as hi. And she says she suffered from internalized hiphobia, a very real condition for many gays and lesbians. “For me,” Daly says, “evolving into being bisexual has coincided with a general sense of wanting to move beyond external definitions of myself.” The problem with categories, says Williams, is “one can feel threatened hy those outside the categories. Straight people feel threatened by the idea of queerness. Queers feel threatened hy the idea of mutable sexuality. American culture is obsessed w ith.. .either you’re straight or you’re queer. Either you’re male or you’re female. Either you’re for us or you’re against us.... It’s absurd.” Parker believes that instead of doing away with categories, it may he time to find new ones within the sexual minorities community to alle- viate some of the burden that bisexuals carry, When many young people experiment with same-sex attraction and in turn flee when they get in over their heads, they hurt a lot of gays and lesbians in their path of self-exploration. ' “Perhaps these experiences leave a mark that— as we get older—doesn’t really mature. It happened to me on more than one occasion," says Parker. “Perhaps a new label should be developed for these individuals— how about.. .youngbian.. .or considersexual.” Parker jests, but her quip suggests some peo ple may use the term tix> lixisely, giving bisexu als a had name. cult for some to imagine that perhaps they have figured it o u t...and ‘it’ is bisexuality as a sexual orientation.” ! Laury Weiss is organizer of Portland’s Bisexual Community Forum— an all-age, gender-inclusive hi interest group for people of all orientations Her hi partner, Gina James, remarks: “1 can’t tell you how many dykes I’ve met that believe bisexuality is just straight girls screwing around and breaking the hearts of their sis ters.... Many gays and lesbians resent someone laying claim to their subculture when that someone is in [the queer community) only because they happen not to he in a heterosex ual relationship at the time.” ] The myths attempt to dip my toe in the water to gauge [my friends’) reaction to the idea that 1 may be attracted to men. 1 continued to pursue women, but 1 was also able to begin being more comfortable and open about my same- sex attraction." Daly concurs that, for some, coming to terms with one’s sexuality is no Point A to Point B journey. “Some of the anger and mis perceptions come from the fact that coining M\t/i: A relationship with a bisexual is doomed to failure. When Parker first began dating James, she was guarded. This was somewhat due to the pain she felt in the deterioration of her prior rela tionship, but also in part to how gays and les bians view bisexuals. “I certainly didn’t want to risk so much again,” admits Parker. “I wanted someone who knew who they were, sexually and other wise. I didn’t want to be an experiment for a young girl’s sexual boundaries. So, I was up front about all of that when 1 met G in a, and although she was bisexual, she was done experimenting. I think that makes all of the difference.” Dillinger explains: “People who date bisexuals run the risk, just as anyone else dt>es, of having their relationship fail. Unfor tunately, when relationships tail, one of the first things we tend to do is kx>k for a place to lay blame. W hen dating a bisexual, a failed relationship sets up the perfect opportunity to be hurt and/or upset about an e x ’s bisexuality! But the reality is that the relationship will almost never fail because Partner A is bisex ual. If anything, the relationship will fail because Partner B does not understand Part ner A s bisexuality.” Myth: Bisexuals lack sexual control and are uninterested in monogamy. “Polyamory is definitely more common in the bisexual community,” Weiss acknowledges. But, he adds, it doesn’t reflect the entire bisex ual community. Many straight cmiples enjoy polyamorous relation ships, and open rela tionships in the gay male community seem more prevalent than exclusively mono — Gina James gamous ones. Bisexuals are just as interested and capable of monogamy as everyone else. uMany gays and lesbians resent someone laying claim to their subculture when that someone Is in (the queer community) only because they happen not to be In a heterosexual relationship at the time" Myth. Bisexuality is only a rest stop on the way to G ay ville. “I think that we’re sometimes perceived hy Igays and lesbians] as being fence-sitters, being indeci { sive and unable to come out fully j in our gay identity," says Laury Weiss, organizer of Portland’s Bisexual Community Forum, who has had significant relationships with both men and women. Fie says the truth is “we have our own identity— which includes loving people of the same gender.” T he myth that bisexuality is not a destina tion in and of itself is reinforced by some gays and lesbians who use bisexuality as a step- pingstone on the path to coming out as a homosexual. Weiss says: "Many gay and les bian people, myself included, have identified as bisexual at one time or anoth er...in an D a v id W . O w e n s P . C . & strung A the community S S O since C 1975 I A T E S out is a process. It’s not like we all spring forth from the proverbial closet as fully formed les bians and gay men. Many people go through a time of confusion or exploration where the lines are all blurry," she says. Many gays and lesbians have a hard time understanding how bisexuals “can’t just make up their mind," says Dillinger. “People strug gle to understand and therefore find it easier to just pass judgment and form an opinion that ‘those darn bisexuals...they just need to work through it and figure it ou t!’ It is diffi W estover H eights C L I N I C A ttorneys at L aw Myth: Bisexuals can't he trusted because they sleep with the enemy. Dillinger believes sexual identity is immater ial when it comes to trusting someone in a rela tionship. Fie says: “It is important to distinguish tmst issues from our own feelings and opinions about human sexuality. 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